Xander walked as if he were in a daze. He didn't know what to make of the night. It had started out so normally. Well, normal for Sunnydale at any rate. Things weren't different from any other night at any rate. Now, everything was different.
He was glad Spike was with him too, which was a change. Normally, he wouldn't be too happy being stuck with the bleached blonde vampire, but tonight he was grateful. He doubted he would be able to make it home alive. He wasn't paying any attention to his surroundings, which was a sure way to lose all your blood or some other vitally functioning bit of one's body.
But at the same time, he was a little uncomfortable being around the chipped vamp. He'd seen Spike's whole life. He'd seen the things he'd gone through before becoming a vampire. He'd seen his turning, being a fledgling Childe under Angelus. He'd experienced his feelings of loss at Angel gaining his soul, and the numerous times Druscilla had left him, his time with the Initiative, his feelings at being 'chipped'. He'd seen everything, including Spike's feelings for him.
That's one of the main things that were blowing Xander's mind currently. He'd felt it just as if they were his feelings. Spike loved him. As unbelievable as it seemed to be, Xander couldn't deny them. He'd FELT them coming from Spike. Could feel it now as Spike held on to his elbow to lead him through the streets of Sunnydale.
And he felt bad. He didn't know exactly how he felt for the vampire. He'd always just brushed him off as a side effect of the Hellmouth. Just one more way that it had infringed on his life. More recently, he'd started to see Spike as a person, a comrade of sorts. Another soldier, albeit reluctantly, fighting for the Light. Just another member of the growing Scooby Gang. Then he'd started to consider him a friend. They'd hung out on occasion. Shared sob stories over lost loves, battle stories of demons and victories. Actually a lot of Xander's 'lost loves' were demons and kind of fell into the same stories as the victorious battles. Xander frowned.
And now a vampire, soulless vampire, was in love with him. And he could literally feel that. His life just kept getting weirder and weirder. He really needed to get away from the Hellmouth before he grew tentacles or something.
"We're here, pet." Spike said, opening the front door to Xander's apartment building.
Spike's voice was so soft, and concerned. Very concerned. Xander figured his out of character behavior was the cause for the concern and he felt really bad about that, but he didn't know how to act like he usually did right now. Not with other people's feelings bouncing around in his head.
He figured that would probably stop if he stepped away from Spike, stopped the physical contact, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. It wasn't often he got the opportunity to be the focus of someone's affections. Which made him feel dirty. He equated it to mind raping someone, though he wasn't really doing it intentionally. He prayed to every god he had ever heard of that the rest of the gang found an answer soon, and fixed him.
Slowly, and reluctantly, Xander pulled his arm from Spike's grasp as they walked up the two flights of stairs to Xander's apartment. He just couldn't bring himself to continue feeling Spike's feelings, especially when the vampire didn't know he was feeling them. He had to tell him. It was the only right thing to do.
"Something wrong Xander?" Spike asked, having stopped when Xander had moved away from him.
And there was Xander's perfect opening. "I just�I mean." Xander sighed. He didn't know how to explain that he knew. He didn't know how Spike would react to that. "Can we talk about it once we're inside?" Xander asked hopefully. It would be easier if they weren't in the open.
"Of course. Let's get you inside and comfortable." Spike said, moving to take Xander's arm again. Xander moved out of his reach, and started walking ahead of Spike.
Spike furrowed his brow in confusion and hurt. Shrugging it off, he followed Xander up the stairs, stopping behind him as he opened the door.
"Come on in, Spike." Xander said, giving the vampire the ability to enter his apartment. "I've got some blood in the fridge, I think. Anya said to keep some around in case you stopped by. She was really big on the hospitality thing. Should be good. Not fresh but good." Xander said, babbling. He knew he was babbling, and it felt nice to be acting normal or as close to it as he ever came, but he felt alone too.
He hadn't noticed it on the walk home or at Giles', but with Spike touching him, he was able to feel what Spike felt. It was nice to know someone cared for him. It made him feel less alone. Now, without that contact, he felt empty.
Xander stood in the middle of his living room, not exactly sure what to do. Spike saw this and felt bad for the boy. He wasn't even comfortable in his own house anymore. Didn't even know what to do with himself. Spike knew part of it was him, the reason that Xander had pulled away from him in the hall. But he knew that wasn't all that was bugging him. Not that he blamed the kid much. He wasn't exactly sure how to deal with the night's events himself, and it didn't even happen to him directly. He couldn't imagine how Xander was dealing with it.
"Why don't you go sit down pet. I'll make some hot chocolate if you have any." Spike said, moving into the kitchen, where he found the expected hot chocolate in the cupboard. Quickly, he went about mixing two cups of the sweet drink, adding a little blood to his for nutritional purposes. He walked back into the living room to find an exhausted looking Xander sitting on his sofa, looking more like the guest in Spike's home instead of the other way around. Spike handed him the steaming cup and sat beside him.
"What's wrong Xander? You can talk to me, ya know. I'm not a complete asshole all the time. It's been a rough night, and I'm sure you've got some stuff on your mind that you need to talk out." Spike said, sipping his drink. He stared at the boy, watching him fidget with the mug, staring into its chocolatey depths.
"It's weird, ya know? I mean, some strange stuff has happened to me in my lifetime, but this has to be the weirdest." Xander said, giving a small, forced laugh.
"I can only try to imagine pet. But we're going to find out what happened. You've got to believe that. They're not going to leave you out there to hang in the wind." Spike said, trying to be reassuring. "Besides, the Pouf would probably brood himself to death."
Xander did chuckle at that. "He's already dead, Spike. And you're dead. I saw that you know. I meant it when I said I saw everything. I saw every second of your life, like a fast playing movie running through my head. I don't remember most of it, but I remember some things." Xander said, his voice lowering to almost a whisper as he spoke, his tone getting sadder as he went.
Spike winced. He didn't even like to relive most of his life and unlife, and it barely effected him emotionally anymore. He couldn't even begin to imagine what that had to have been like for Xander. He was such a caring mortal. His emotions were so fragile. "I'm sorry Xander. I wish you hadn't seen that. Any of it. There's no reason for you to live it through me." Spike said, his head down, looking at the picture on the mug he was holding.
"That's not all. I felt what you felt. Whenever you touched me, I could feel what you were feeling. That's why I pulled away from you in the hall. When I figured out what it was I was feeling, I couldn't keep doing it. It's not right. It's not fair to you for me to be able to feel your feelings and thoughts. It's like, the ultimate rape. And I can't even stop it if someone touches me." Xander shut his eyes, hating what he was going through. Hating that he wanted to touch Spike, to see what he was feeling right now.
Spike sat silent. Xander had felt what he felt. Had known what he was feeling. Known his emotions. What did that mean? "You felt�everything I was feeling?" Spike asked, not wanting to know that answer. Scared not to know.
"Yeah, I know how you feel." Xander said, knowing Spike would know he exactly what he was talking about. "That's not why I pulled away though. Not because of what you were feeling, but because�it's not right for me to know those things. It's wrong to be able to know those things. I don't want to know those things, not like that." Xander explained.
Spike hesitated before speaking again. "So�it's ok what I was feeling? You don't mind?"
"No I don't mind. I'm not sure how I feel, but I don't mind you feeling that at all." Xander assured him.
They sat in silence for several minutes, each lost in their own thoughts. The silence was broken by a loud yawn from a very tired Xander.
"Tired pet?" Spike asked, then cursed himself. "Of course you're tired. It's been a long day. I'm sure this has taken a lot out of you."
"Yeah, more than I though." Xander said, slumping back in the cushions of the couch. "You're welcome to stay the day. It's gonna be dawn soon. I don't want you trying to get back across town this late. You might not make it. I kinda like having you around."
"Thanks pet. Why don't you get some sleep? I'll be here to watch over you. No more bad dreams tonight." Spike said, as Xander got up and headed into his bedroom. Spike got up to take the mugs into the kitchen.
Xander stopped at his bedroom door and looked back at the vampire. "Spike?"
"Yeah Xander?"
"Thanks. You know, for being there."
"Anytime, Pet. Anytime."