"Mamma?! Mamma, oh God, I thought I would never get to talk to you again. I miss you and Daddy so much Mamma. I really do. How are you, and Stacy and Ford and the baby?" Lance asked quickly openly crying. He'd locked himself in the bathroom because he hadn't wanted his friends to see him cry like this and know that he and his family hadn't talked in over a year. He couldn't be happier at this moment, well he could, but he wouldn't allow himself to think about that now. He had his mamma and family back now.
"We're all find down here, James." Diane said, spitting her son's name out like a curse. Her use of his given name, instead of what used to be either Jimmy or Lance, and her cold tone, wasn't missed by Lance.
"Mamma, what's wrong? You sound mad. What's happened?" Lance asked, his voice squeaking, his mind running through things that his mother would have called him for.
"I am mad. I'm furious!" Diane screeched into the phone. Lance cringed from it. "I'm enraged that YOUR friend called MY house to tell me about YOUR BOYFRIEND, and reminding me of WHY I have no son. I'm furious that you, the dirty faggot that you are, would dare, in ANY way, contact me, through friends are not. I do not want your corruption in my house. I will not have it. You are not my son. My son was a nice boy, a nice Christian boy who feared God, and not the abomination that you are. I won't be reminded that my son isn't alive anymore, that my son is dead to me. YOU are dead to me." Diane was ranting into the phone now, her voice loud and piercing.
Lance listened, unable to pull the phone from his ear and hang it up. Tears poured down his face, as his mother berated him, disowning him all over again. This time was different though. This time, he felt dead. He was dead, on the inside.
When he'd heard his mother's voice, he'd prayed that he had someone left in this world now that Josh had left him. But he didn't. He had no one to love, and no one to love him. He was alone, and that knife twisted in his heart all over again. His sobs couldn't be controlled. He knew his mother heard them through her ranting. That his friends could hear them outside the door. He couldn't help it. He was choking on his pain, gasping for breath that he didn't want, didn't deserve. Choking on the pieces of his heart that were lodged in his throat, after being torn to shreds repeatedly.
"Mamma, please," he pleaded, "I need you, Mamma. I need you so much right now. Please?" Lance was begging and he knew it but didn't care.
"No, you chose this, now live with it. This is what happens when you go against God." And with that, Lance was met with a dial tone.
Holding the phone desperately clutched to his chest, Lance folded himself into the smallest ball he could, and cried. He didn't pay attention to Joey and Chris yelling at him through the door to open it and let them in. He ignored their inquiries to whether or not he was ok. He ignored the sounds of Joey talking on the phone to whoever was on the other end. He just cried for all he'd lost.
~*~
"Briteny, what's going on over there?" JC demanded. He was pacing back and forth, wringing his hands together as Briteny talked to Joey. He'd heard her whispered 'Oh God' But she hadn't answered any questions of yet, always holding up her finger to hear what was going on in the other house.
Justin wasn't much better, walking around the living room frantically, berating himself for calling Lance's mother. Beating himself up for causing this new turn of events. This would have never happened had he not called Lance's mom.
"You didn't know, Justin." JC said soothingly, wrapping his arms around Justin. Justin jumped, so far into thought that he hadn't realized that JC was in front of him. He hadn't voice his thoughts but JC just knew what he was thinking.
"I'm so sorry, JC. I thought I was doing something to help." Justin said, holding JC tighter. Briteny's voice broke into their shared moment of comfort.
"What's going on over there?" Justin asked, releasing his hold on JC and turning towards his girlfriend.
"Joey said he'd call me back when something happens. It was Lance's mom on the phone. We didn't get to Joey in time to stop it. Lance has locked himself in the bathroom. He won't come out and he won't stop crying. They don't know what happened." Briteny informed them, her voice small and worried.
JC pushed himself away from his friends and ran to the hall closet. Grabbing his jacket from the peg on the door and his keys from the hall table he headed to the door quickly.
"JC where are you going?" Justin asked, him and Briteny following closely behind.
"I'm going to Lance's. Either tell me where it is, or get in the car and give me directions. I really don't care which." JC called over his shoulder, already out the door and getting into his car. Justin and Briteny weren't far behind.
~*~
Joey was sitting across the hall from the bathroom door while Chris and all his nervous energy, paced up and down the short hall, biting on his thumbnail. Joey's normally semi-spiked hair was disheveled, after his hand had been running through it for nearly an hour now. Chris's didn't look much better.
"How long has it been?" Chris asked, stopping only momentarily to wait for Joey's answer.
"Nearly twenty minutes." Joey told him. Their voices tight with worry.
"What is he doing in there?" Chris wondered aloud.
"I only wish I knew." Joey responded, running his hand once again through his long locks
"Joey? Chris?" Justin's voice floated in from the living area of the small apartment. Joey quickly got to his feet and followed Chris down the hallway. Before them in the doorway stood Briteny, Justin, and JC, all with worried looks on their faces.
"Guys, oh man am I glad you're here." Chris said, a sigh of relief coming from his lips, chapped from being worried between his teeth. Maybe now they could get something done.
"What's been going on? What's he doing?" JC asked, moving around Justin to look at his two friends.
"We have no damn clue. He locked himself in there when his mom called. He started crying. He started crying harder. And we haven't heard anything from him in over twenty minutes. Not a sniffle, or crying, or anything. Nothing." Joey said, glancing back at the closed bathroom door.
JC moved around his two disheveled friends and made his way down the hall to the bathroom. Knocking gently he put his ear to the door. He didn't hear anything. No response. He knocked again. "Lancey? Baby? Are you ok?" JC asked, his voice soft, the way he always talked to Lance.
~*~
Lance had been in the same position for the longest time. He knew his legs were probably aching from the angle they were at, but he didn't feel it. He didn't feel anything. He stared blankly at the wall in front of him, phone still clutched to his chest. He wasn't thinking, he wasn't blinking, he wasn't moving. He was barely breathing, but tears, silent now, still coursed down his cheeks to pool on the floor. He was numb. Again.
He didn't know how long he'd been in there. He didn't know how long he'd been in that same position. He was barely aware of his friends' muffled voices outside the door, or the addition of new voices. He was barely aware of anything, until he heard the soft rapping on the door, and then that angelic voice he'd missed so much over the past week.
"Lancey? Baby? Are you ok?" he heard JC's voice through the door. His eyes shifted in that direction, his brow furrowing. What was Josh doing there?
"Josh." Lance whispered, barely audible enough for himself to hear.
"Lance, talk to me please. I want to know if you're ok." Josh called through the door. Lance listened to his voice, that voice he'd woken up for every day for the past two years. That voice he still heard in his dreams. That voice that he'd watched old interview footage to hear. Lance heard Josh sigh on the other side of the door.
~*~
JC signed on his side of the door. Resting his head against the wood, his eyes filled with tears. He hadn't noticed when everyone else had moved away, into the living room, to give them some privacy.
He didn't know how to get through to Lance. For once in his life, he didn't know what to do to ease his love's pain. He wasn't used to this helpless feeling. Before, before he'd ruined everything, he'd hold Lance, kiss him, smooth his hair and just hold him close, chasing the pain away with his love. He couldn't do that anymore, and that was his entire fault.
JC turned his back to the door and leaned against it, sliding down until he was sitting against it. Knees drawn up to his chest elbows braced against his knees, head resting in his hand, fingers threaded through his hair, JC sighed again.
"Lance, do you remember when we were in Germany? You'd get so homesick. You kept complaining that you just wanted a pizza. A real pizza. Not that Greek concoction that they had in most of the European restaurants. I remember those times." JC said with a laugh. He had no idea what he was talking about, or why he was bringing this up, he just felt the need to connect with Lance, in some way.
"And that time, when Justin threw a fit outside that club, because he couldn't get in. And he was trying to convince the bouncer that he was 18, when he was only sixteen. You took him to Chucky Cheese instead. You guys had a blast, playing with the kids. Do you remember that?" JC smiled, remembering that time. Justin had been so upset that he hadn't been able to get into that club with them, but Lance was there for him, just like he has always been there for everyone, no matter what. He'd taken him out to Chucky Cheese. They'd stayed until the place closed, playing with the kids there, singing "Happy Birthday" to a few of the party goers. They weren't famous at home yet.
"I remember the day of our first Disney Concert. You were so nervous. You nearly puked all over poor Lonnie." JC said with a chuckle. "But you made it through. We all did. It was great wasn't it? It changed our lives, for the better."
~*~
Lance listened to Josh's voice. Slowly, he'd inched towards the door, laying his head on the cool linoleum, just listening. Hearing Josh's voice was somehow soothing. He could lay there and pretend that nothing had changed. That he still had Josh. Lance rested his hand on the door, imagining he could feel Josh's strength, his heat through the thick door.. He closed his eyes and listened.
~*~
"Lance, say something. Anything. Just let me know you're ok in there." Josh requested, looking over his shoulder at the door separating him from the one person he loved more than life itself. He got nothing in reply.
~*~
Lance could hear the worry in Josh's voice. He'd heard it in his friends' voices earlier. He just couldn't bring himself to break the silence. Speaking would mean he was alive, in only minimally. Living meant thinking, remembering. He didn't want to remember his mother's harsh words. He didn't want to remember the pain. He just wanted to remember that voice. Always that voice.
~*~
"Do you remember our first kiss? I remember it like it was yesterday. We were on tour. I don't even know what city it was in. I just remember the dinner we had, and the park we went to afterwards, just so we could get away for a little while. Lonnie and Mark were so mad at us cause we lost them. Ditched out the back of the restaurant." JC remembered, laughing as he remembered the look on their guards' faces when they got back to the hotel. "We went to that park, and just sat there and talked under the stars for hours. You looked so wonderful> You looked like an angel. I remember thinking you were an angel. Then, before I knew what I was doing, I was kissing you, and you were kissing me back. I never wanted to stop. I never wanted that moment to end." JC said sadly.
~*~
Lance remembered that. He remembered that night so clearly. He'd replayed it so much in his mind over the past few days, it was almost as if he'd dreamed it, but it was much too vivid to be a dream.
Tears rolled down his face, remembering that night. They'd been so happy. So incredibly happy. H wanted that again. He wanted Josh to be his everything again, and for him to be Josh's everything.
Lance sat up, leaning his head against the wood door the closest he'd been to his lover in too long.
~*~
JC leaned his head back against the door. He'd yet to hear anything from the other side and was seriously starting to worry. He didn't know what Lance was doing or what he'd already done, and that scared him. He had no clue what was going through Lance's mind, or why he wasn't talking to anyone. Not knowing how to get through to Lance on the other side of the door, JC did the one thing he did know how to do. He sang.
"You shelter me from harm�kept me warm, you kept me warm�and ya gave my life to me,�ya set me free, you set e free�.the finest years I ever knew�for all the years I had with you�and I would give everything I own�I'd give up my life my heart my home�and I would give everything I own�just to have you back again�you taught me how to laugh�what a time, what a time�ya never said too much but still ya showed ya cared�and I knew from watching you�and nobody else could ever know�the part of me that can't let go." JC sang with all the soul and heart he had in him, meaning every word of it.
"Is there someone you know, loving them so and taking them all for granted�you may lose them someday�someone takes them away, and they don't hear the words you long to say�"
"Ya know baby, my love for you will always stay true, that's right. Cause there is no me, without you." Came a weak, water bass voice from the other side of the door. JC cried as he sang the rest of the song.
~*~ Lance listened to Josh sing to him. Sing a song they had all sung a hundred times or more. A song that mean the world to him. He knew by the soulful way Josh sang, and the emotion in his voice, that he was in fact singing to Lance, not just singing to sing. Lance knew that it was his way of saying he was sorry. Of trying to mend what he had broken.
He heard the song come to an end, and Josh's held breath as he waited for more from Lance. Sighing, lance stood He went to the sink and ran the cold water, splashing it on his face. After drying the excess water, he turned to the door, sighed, and unlocked