Lance took a deep breath. Now that he had agreed to talk, he knew he couldn’t back out. The guys wouldn’t let him. But he knew he wanted to. He wanted to back out. He didn’t know what they would say. He didn’t know what he was going to say.
“What’s bothering you, Lansten?” Joey prodded.
“Guys, I don’t know what to say or where to even start.” Lance said, spreading his hands out in front of him. Justin and JC both surprised him by taking one of his hands; Justin on his right and JC on his left. He smiled at them, squeezed their hands, then retracted his.
‘James, you don’t want to do this. Can you imagine what they’re going to think?’
‘You’re right. I don’t want to do this. But I’ve got no choice. I have to.’
“Why don’t you start with last night?” Chris suggested.
Lance nodded, swallowing with difficulty. “Ok. Guys, I’m really sorry about last night. I was just thinking. My head was so full of things that had nowhere to go. And they built up until I broke. That’s the only way that I know to describe it.” Lance looked around to see how well they would accept that. He should have known better.
“Well, what’s been on you mind? If you talk about it, maybe it won’t build up again.” Chris pushed. Lance should have known they would try to dig deeper.
“That’s personal, and I don’t want to talk about it.” Lance said, dropping his eyes from theirs. He couldn’t tell them he felt unneeded, unwanted, unimportant, and superficial. He just couldn’t bring himself to say that to them. Even if his mind was right, and they couldn’t care less about him, he cared a great deal for them and didn’t want to make them feel guilty.
‘Even though they should.’ His little subconscious friend whispered.
“Ok, then what about this junk with Nicole? Why that?” JC asked from beside him.
“Oh man,” Lance groaned. His headache seemed to get a little worse. “I don’t’ even know. I really and truly don’t know what I was thinking.”
“She’s a great girl.” Joey said.
“I know.” This was whispered. With each question and throb in his head, Lance was losing his nerve to do this.
“She loves you too.” Chris told him as if that wasn’t a knife already in Lance’s heart.
“I know.” Came his reply, stronger this time than the last.
“She would have never cheated on you, Lance.” Justin voiced from his right.
“I know!” Lance said, a little louder and harsher than he had meant to. He looked over at Justin’s hurt expression. “ Justin, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”
“It’s ok.” Justin said quietly.
“Are you going to call your mom anytime soon?” JC asked him. “She’s worried, confused and just a little bit mad at you.”
“I know. I just don’t feel like talking to her for a little while. A person can only take so much nagging. Last time I talked to her after a live show, she critiqued everything I said, did, wore, ad thought. I can’t handle that anymore for right now.” Lance explained.
“But you really should call her, Lance.” Joey said quietly from his corner of the room.
Lance raised his head and glared at him. “I don’t get it. I really don’t.” lance said through a dry laugh. Everyone looked at him, not understanding. “I mean, since this group started, all I’ve heard is how much of a momma’s boy I am, and now I’m getting shit cause I haven’t talked to her. Make up your minds people.”
“She’s worried Lance, and it isn’t like you to cut your mom off like this.” JC said, putting his hand on Lance’s shoulder. It was shrugged off.
‘That’s my business, not yours.”
“Lance, we want you to see a doctor. Johnny’s ser up an appointment for you day after tomorrow in New York.” Chris told him, meeting Lance’s eyes.
Lance was silent, shocked. He didn’t believe Chris just said that. “Excuse me?”
“We’re worried. Something like last night, it shouldn’t be happening. We’ve cancelled the remainder of the tour and most of our appearances for the next two months. The plan is for you to start in New York with a therapist. Then, in a couple of weeks, we’re going home. You can start seeing a doctor there.” Chris explained the whole operation as if it were an everyday occurrence.
Lance didn’t think it was as peaches and cream as Chris made it sound. “I don’t want to see a doctor. I won’t see a doctor.” Lance was yelling by now. His eyes had turned a deep green, almost like liquid fire. He stood quickly and started to leave.
“Lance, we want to know what’s bothering you? We want to know what’s doing this to you.” Justin said, standing in front of him, blocking his exit.
That was all Lance could handle.
“You want to now what’s wrong, what’s bothering me?” Lance asked vehemently. Justin nodded. Lance turned to face the group watching him. “You’re doing this to me. All of you. The crew. Management. Everyone!” Lance shouted, shaking with the force of his words.
“Us? How are we doing this to you?” Joey wanted to know. Lance looked at him. He had that deer in headlights look, like he’d been caught doing something wrong, but wasn’t quite sure what.
“You and your stupid pranks. Chris and his jabs at everything I do. JC and his perfect musical talent. Justin and his ever-present ego. All I hear is, Lance you suck at this. Lance you look stupid. Lance, you can’t dance. Lance, you have no life. You’re a momma’s boy. I worked my as off last year for you guys, and no one even noticed until I ended up in the hospital. You guys don’t talk with me. No one does. They talk to me or at me, but never with me. I know all of your secrets. Everything. You guys tell me everything. I’ve always been there for you. But the only time you involved me was if it was scheduling or business. I feel like I’m on the outside of this, looking in.” Lance said, his energy running down as the tears started to form.
“Lance, we always invite you to go out with us and hang with us.” Joey said, still trying to process the whole thing.
“Yeah, but you go clubbing every night. If I wanted to site alone and drink, I could do that at home.” Lance said, controlling his tears, keeping them from falling.
“I’m sorry if you thought we weren’t listening to you before, or that we weren’t including you. Maybe we weren’t. But we’re here now and we are listening. We want to talk with you James.” JC said standing.
Lance looked around at the pitying expressions on their faces. “Well, now it’s just too little too late. Now, I don’t’ want to talk. Now, I don’t want to be included. I just want to do my job and have everyone leave me alone.” Lance knew he was giving into that little voice, and he couldn’t help it. He actually took some satisfaction in their shocked faces.
Chris was the first to recover. “We still want you to go to the therapist.”
“I’m not going.” Lance said firmly.
Chris stood, matching Lance’s tone and glare. “It’s not a request. Either you go, or you’re out of the group.” Chris had given his ultimatum, though his voice did crack as it was given. “Either you agree to go to that appointment, or your stuff is out of the bus and you’re booked for a flight home by tomorrow night.”