FUSHIGI YUUGI VARIETY HOUR! *jazzy theme plays*

(The scene: A crowded TV auditorium complete with stage, spotlights, and cheesy cardboard scenery. The seats are packed with chattering fangirls and anime characters looking for a good time, and a faint murmuring fills the theater. After a few moments, however, a spotlight snaps onto the stage. The audience quiets...the curtains slide open.)

(Clad in a spiffy little bowtie and tux, Tama-neko steps forward to the edge of the stage, places a hand before his furry little chest, and eyes the audience. When he speaks, his voice is proper, dignified, and very, very British)

TAMA: Greetings and hello, my dear audience, and welcome to the Fushigi Yuugi variety hour! Sonny and Cher had one, the Simpsons had one...now it's our turn, wot? (clears his throat, smiling broadly) Tonight, my friends, we have a splendid, splendid show for you, with lots of singing, dancing, and, of course, the Fushigi Yuugi chorus line! (Tama waves a paw--a long line of bubbly-looking girls dressed in Japanese schoolgirl outfits dance across the stage, vanish off the other side.)

AUDIENCE: *cheering and clapping*

TAMA: You're in for a smashing good time! Now...on with the show!

AUDIENCE: *more cheering and clapping*

(Spotlight switches off. Tama steps back. Curtains swish closed.)

~ ~ ~

(Curtains slide open. Spotlight flashes on, illuminating a single figure standing at the very back of the stage. Slowly, the figure steps forward, stops at the edge of the stage, and grants the audience a soft smile--as he moves, a soft tinkle of piano music starts up, a low...mournful tune...but a familiar one...hmm... The man holds a microphone, brings it to his lips and...just as the music reaches a rolling hold-note...begins to sing.)

-----
(Record player screech)

(Screen goes black. Author steps forward, holds up a sign:

[FY VARIETY SHOW SONG #1. MONEYGRUBBER RHAPSODY
To the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody, performed by Queen.
Moneygrubber Rhapsody performed by Tamahome, edited from original version for sake of Weekend at Bernie's moment.]

(Author nods once, walks off)
-----
(Music begins once more)

(Return to auditorium)

(Piano hits slow, careful notes...and Tamahome begins to sing...)

TAMAHOME: Miakaaaaa...just killed a man. Bopped him right up on his head, stole his money, now he's dead. Miakaaaaa...I was almossst rich! But, now you've gone and stol'n it allllll away... Miaka...oooooh...don't know why you had to buy...all that food now I've got nothing leffftt...you just eeeat...aaand eaaat...and none-a-my money mattttterrrrrs...

(Piano music swells...Tamahome sways slightly back and forth, looking morose)

TAMAHOME: Too late, my check has come. Sends shivers down my spine, my penny jar's empty all the time. Goodbye, my dear Miko...you've GOT to go...gotta get you out of here before I go broke. Miaka...oooooh...you're the reason why...I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all...

(Music swells...spiffy guitar chimes in

SPIFFY GUITAR: Nyerrrrr...nyer nyerrr nyerrrrrr.... (etc) (etc) (etc)

!...suddenly...!

PIANO: Dunt! Dunt! Dunt! Dunt!

(Nuriko, Hotohori, and Chichiri skip out from behind the curtain, run to stand just behind Tamahome in choir fashion.)

TAMAHOME: I see a little golden coin for my wall-et...

NURIKO, HOTOHORI, & CHICHIRI: Suzaku, Suzaku, will you spend it on Miaka!

ALL: Looks like her belt's tightening, very, very frightening, EEEEK!

NURIKO: Shichiseishi!

TAMAHOME: Shichiseishi!

NURIKO: Shichiseishi!

TAMAHOME: Shichiseishi! Shichiseishi suzaku.

ALL: What a great showwwwwww!

TAMAHOME: I'm just a poor boy, Suboshi killed my family.

NURIKO, HOTOHORI, CHICHIRI: He's just a poor boy, yoyos killed his family! Spare him his life from this bankrupt-ah-ceeee!

TAMAHOME: Easy come, easy go, will you spare some change?

NURIKO, HOTOHORI, & CHICHIRI: Ogre-boy, NO! We will not spare some change!

CHICHIRI: Spare some change (no da)!

NURIKO & HOTOHORI: Good-god-man, NO! We will not spare some change!

CHICHIRI: Spare some change (no da)!

NURIKO & HOTOHORI: You-baka, NO! We will not spare some change!

TAMAHOME: Spare some change!

NURIKO, HOTOHORI, & CHICHIRI: Will not spare some change!

TAMAHOME: (the ogre symbol begins to glow a fiery red) SPARE SOME CHANGE!

NURIKO, HOTOHORI, & CHICHIRI: Will not spare some change!

TAMAHOME: SPARE SOME CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGE!

NURIKO, HOTOHORI, & CHICHIRI: (screaming) Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

TAMAHOME: Oh, Miaka, oh, Miaka! Oh, Miaka where's my cash??

NURIKO, HOTOHORI, & CHICHIRI: Oh, Taitsu-kun has a spiffy little gift for meee...for meeee. For meeeeeeee! (Chichiri hits falsetto note) ^_^

(Tamahome, breaking out of the song for a moment as the guitar swells, turns and begins to shriek)

TAMAHOME: (shouting) Not fair! I deserve a gift too! I suffered just as much as the rest of you did! Maybe more! MORE! I got stabbed!! I almost died! Doesn't that count? IT SHOULD COUNT FOR SOMETHING, SHOULDN'T I--

NURIKO: (smacks Tamahome on the top of the head, flattening him to the floor) Cut it out, baka...the song's not over yet...

(Nuriko grimaces down at the dark-haired seishi, noticing the large lump forming on the top of the ogre-boy's head...)

CHICHIRI: (whispering) You killed him no da!

HOTOHORI: (grimacing) Miaka's not going to be happy with you, Nuriko...

(Nuriko, in pure Weekend at Bernie's fashion, grabs onto the unconscious Tamahome, props him up, and begins to sway him back and forth as the music slows and the piano chimes in once more)

NURIKO: (whispering) Give me a hand, wouldya?

(Chichiri and Hotohori move forward, grab onto Tamahome's arms, and move them in semi-lifelike motions.)

NURIKO, TASUKI, CHICHIRI: Nothing really matters, anyone can see. Nothing really maaaaaaaaaaaaaaatters... Nothing really matters...

(Tamahome, looking woozy, raises his head and, weakly, chimes in for the last note)

TAMAHOME: But...moneyyyyyyyyyyy...

(All the seishi sway back and forth as the music comes to a close)

ALL: (softly) Tama's got a broken nose...

(Music stops. The four seishi bow, Chichiri, Nuriko, and Hotohori still holding a dizzy-looking Tamahome up)

AUDIENCE: *cheering, clapping, and whistling*

(The spotlights wink out. Tamahome, suddenly finding himself no longer supported by the other seishi, drops noisily to the floor and somehow manages to drag himself back offstage)

~~~~

End part I. Coming soon: The Fushigi Yuugi Dancers! Fushigi Yuugi Top Ten! Ashitare's Song and/or Interpretive Dance! And, much! Much! MOOOORE!

(Jazzy theme plays)

(Fade to black)

~~~~

NOTES: For the record, nothing is more difficult than to say the word "Shichiseishi" several times in a row, followed almost immeidately by the word "Suzaku." *cries*