DISCLAIMER:
Haven't we been through this before? -.-;;
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm tired and in need of a break...so, I've decided to let the
seishi do the writing for me. Arrigato, minna! Do a good job, ne? I'm counting
on you! *firm nod* *author slinks off to relax, enjoy a fresh glass of iced
tea, and offer fervent prayers to Suzaku that fanfiction dot net will live
again soon*
~ ~ ~
The Somewhat-Twisted Tale of Suzaku no Miko
by Hotohori, Tasuki, Chichiri, Nuriko, Tamahome, Chiriko, Mitsukake, and Suzaku
only knows who else
---
[Hotohori]
The story of Suzaku no Miko begins long ago, in the beautiful and springlike
land of Konan. In this great land, the people were united and happy, there was
very little poverty or despair, and a graceful, beautiful, intelligent,
elegant, glorious man of legendary poise and stature and strength ruled over
them all. He was a kind man, a giving man, a loving, caring, wondrous man. A
man of legends, really. A man all would strain to imitate...but, none would
ever, ever succeed in rivalling for looks, intellect, or kindness. For, you
see, this man was one of a kind. This man was generous, self-sacrificing,
always willing to lend a hand to those in need. He was a gifted ruler, a
splendid swordsman, a man well worthy of the love of Suzaku no Miko...well
worthy of the love of ANY woman...or man. Yes! This young emperor was so
beautiful, so glorious and full of grace, that even men were known to adore
him! Yet, the young, beautiful emperor had eyes only for Suzaku no Miko...and,
were it not for a terrible spell cast over the young girl upon her arrival to
the wondrous land of Konan, she would've surely returned his love and lived
happily with him as an empress.
[Tamahome]
Actually, there was no spell over Suzaku no Miko...but, the ratty-haired
emperor was tricked into thinking there was by the evil sorceress Taiitsu-kun,
who was well-known for capturing young children, sucking out their souls, and
then changing them into mindless, squeaking, blue-haired trolls. Actually,
Suzaku no Miko fell in love with a handsome, wonderful young man named
Tamahome. Tamahome wasn't the emperor...but, he was handsome and kind and
generous, always ready to lend a hand to girls in trouble when self-absorbed
emperors were too busy staring at themselves in the mirror to care that those
girls were nearly being sold off at slave auctions and killed!!
[Chiriko]
More impressive than the palace of Konan or the emperor himself was the
library. In it were volumes and volumes of precious tomes and
[Hotohori]
ACTUALLY, those emperors weren't being self-absorbed, they were trying to run a
COUNTRY, which takes effort and grace and a lot more intelligence than it does
to simply rescue a girl from hoodlums.
The young emperor, actually, was very experienced at rescuing people...and
would save the life of Suzaku no Miko herself many, many times throughout the
course of their time together. In fact, at one point, he would dive
fully-clothed into a murky, darkened pond and would, through the sheer force of
his will and strength and love, rescue Suzaku no Miko from a watery death...not
to mention look unimaginably dashing while doing it!
[Chiriko]
The emperor had obviously never visited the library...but, it was there. It
spanned floors and floors of
[Tamahome]
The shichiseishi Tamahome, HOWEVER, rescued Suzaku no Miko A GREAT MANY TIMES
more than the emperor did, and thus had a much, much larger role in the story
itself...PLUS, he selflessly let himself be skewered by the emperor's sword so
that he would overcome the power of kodoku and be able to return to his love,
Suzaku no Miko.
[Chiriko]
The library was
[Hotohori]
The shichiseishi Tamahome was quite obviously DELUSIONAL as well as
uninformed...particularly since it was very, very obvious that the young
emperor defeated him through force of will and strength...not because the young
seishi "let" himself be defeated.
And, anyway...not only had the dashing young emperor rescued the life of the
young Miko multiple times, but he had also saved the life of the shichiseishi
Tamahome, as well, along with a great many others! And, due to his great,
selfless heart, the young emperor knew that he could not accompany his love on
her trek across the land...no. He would, instead, remain in the palace and keep
watch over the land, as only a good, honest emperor could...and pray that the
other seishi would somehow make up for his absence and keep Suzaku on Miko
safe.
However...his trust would inevitably be betrayed...because, unbeknownst to the
gentle young emperor, a terrible plan was in the making! Yes! A hideous, awful
plan to tear his love, Suzaku no Miko, away and into the arms of another man!
[Chiriko]
There was a beautiful library in Konan! Come onnnnnnnnn, doesn't ANYONE wanna
hear about it? Please? Ohh, Tamahome, please don't take the keyboard awa
[Tamahome]
There was a big beautiful library in Konan, blah blah...happy, Chiriko?
*ahem*
There was no plot...at least not on Tamahome's end. As a matter of fact, the
baka emperor was once again being manipulated by the evil sorceress
Taiitsu-kun. In actuality, Suzaku no Miko had fallen helplessly in love with
the dashing, handsome young seishi, Tamahome, to whom she pledged her undying
love several times a day. In fact, just for this exceptional young man, Suzaku
no Miko agreed to try to deal with her eating problems, and to begin a
fundraiser for the heroic young man's starving family, who were the victims of
the evil emperor's horrible, selfish policies.
[Hotohori]
Or at least, Suzaku no Miko THOUGHT she was giving up all these things for her
love...but, actually, she had been tricked into thinking she was in love with
Tamahome--it was actually the gorgeous, magnanimous young emperor, not
Tamahome, who was her true love. After all, who else would the priestess of
Suzaku fall madly in love with but the most beautiful, giving, caring man in
Konan? Ah, but Suzaku no Miko was trapped beneath the spell of Tamahome's and
Taiitsu-kun's evil magic, and so she didn't realize that her love was right in
front of her the entire time! The young emperor was heartbroken, of
course...but, he believed in himself and the love he and Suzaku no Miko shared,
and so he decided to wait patiently, not interfere, and wait for her to come to
her senses. Unfortunately, the very next morning, while looking for the other
seishi, Tamahome managed to lure Suzaku no Miko into a gazebo just as it was
about to collapse...then, to take suspicion away from himself, he leapt into
the rubble himself, and made a show of trying to save the Miko from
death...when, ACTUALLY, it was really all his fault in the first place.
[Nuriko]
LUCKILY...just when everything was getting out of hand and Suzaku no Miko was
about to be killed, a stunningly-beautiful young woman with long, silken violet
hair and a tiny beauty mark beneath her left eye swept in and--using her
unbelieeeeevable strength and mercy--lifted the rubble from around the Miko and
saved her life...AND the life of the ungrateful man she was with. This
beautiful young woman was Nuriko, the third shichiseishi. And despite the fact
that the Miko was very, very unkind to her and tried--through manipulating and
lying and seducing--to take the young emperor away from her...she quickly
forgave her, and always, always protected her from danger.
[Tasuki]
Soon, tho, the Miko got pretty damn tired of just runnin around and gettin
saved by the baka seishi, so she decided to go out an look for the rest of em.
Okay, damnit, that's all I'm writin. This fic sucks.
[Tamahome]
Poor, poor Tamahome was stuck with two delusional seishi to accompany him and
Miko across the country.
Ah, but he didn't let it bother him--he knew that both of them were probably
good people underneath their strange, freakish exteriors, and that because
Suzaku no Miko loved him and he loved Suzaku no Miko, somehow everything would
turn out right in the end.
[Nuriko]
Actually, Tamahome was the delusional one--he had a horrible fever, which he'd
caught from Suzaku no Miko while he was trying to rape her in her sleep just
before the seishi left on their journey.
[Hotohori]
Luckily, however, the suave young emperor swept in at the last moment and saved
Suzaku no Miko before the evil man could harm her. He would've killed Tamahome
for such a horrible offense against the Miko...but, he knew that all seven
seishi were needed to call Suzaku, and thus he would be forced to keep the
traitorous, evil boy alive. Ah, but he would always keep a close watch over the
man, and make sure that he never, ever caused Suzaku no Miko harm. Because of
this, he knew he would be forced to leave the needs of his country unanswered
for awhile--even though it pained him--and travel along on the journey to find
the other seishi.
[Chichiri]
All three seishi were slightly delusional no da. While they were busy arguing,
a terrible evil rose up from the ground and was preparing to kill Suzaku no
Miko...but, luckily no da, a young monk happened to be watching out for the
Miko at the time, and saved her from being killed na no da.
[Hotohori]
The monk had been called in by the young emperor, who was worried for Suzaku no
Miko's safety and wanted to make sure she was protected...even if he himself
was busy keeping the evil seishi Tamahome from resorting to more of his
terrible, fiendish tricks.
[Nuriko]
After Suzaku no Miko was safe and sound and the weird monk had introduced
himself to everyone, Nuriko--being a lovely young creature in need of constant
cleanliness--decided to take a bath in a nearby pond. By this time, and because
of the annoyingly loose lips of Suzaku no Miko, all the seishi had discovered
the beautiful, feminine Nuriko was actually a man...but, of course, it didn't
trouble them at all...because, Nuriko was kind and gentle and beautiful and an
excellent person, and so they quickly put all thoughts of his gender and/or
sexuality out of their minds...because it just wasn't important.
Anyway. Nuriko walked down to the pond, leaving the others to fight over Miaka
or do whatever the hell they wanted to...then knelt on the soft grass and began
to undress. While he was doing this, Hotohori-sama just happened to be passing
by, and couldn't help but notice how beautiful Nuriko looked, silhouetted
against the water...
[Hotohori]
Hotohori quickly came to his senses, however, and remembered that he was in
love with Suzako no Miko and--gomen, Nuriko--a straight, woman-loving man.
[Nuriko]
But, as he was turning, he heard the splash of Nuriko plunging into the cool
water...and, turned back, suddenly mesmerized by the silken violet hair, the
pale, smooth skin...the beauty that rivalled even his own. He realized,
suddenly, that even though he'd thought he was in love with Suzaku no
Miko...even though he'd thought he would never be able to come to love a
man...it had happened! Yes! He loved Nuriko! He would make Nuriko his
empress...because, it didn't matter to him what Nuriko was...it was about WHO
he was and how he acted, not what gender he was! Hotohori-sama dashed forward
through the brush and
[Hotohori]
and came to a sudden halt at the edge of the forest. He nodded slightly,
recognizing that the evil sorceress Taiitsu-kun was, again, trying to influence
his thoughts, make him believe something that was obviously not true. He loved
Suzaku no Miko. And, even though Nuriko WAS quite beautiful and WAS a very kind
person...he knew that the Miko would always, always have his heart.
[Nuriko]
Ne? Beautiful? You really think so, Hotohori-sama???
[Hotohori]
Uhhh...
[Tamahome]
Even if there WAS a spell on him (which I really doubt there was), Hotohori eventually
had to face the fact that he couldn't deny how he felt anymore. He was GAY.
Hai. Gay gay gay. Gayer even than Nuriko. Chasing after Suzaku no Miko had just
been a fantasy he created to try to convince himself that he was
straight...but, it was a lie, and now he knew it. "Nuriko!" he cried,
running to the edge of the water. "Nuriko, marry me!" "I
will!" Nuriko replied immediately, and Hotohori ran forward into the water
and swept Nuriko up into his arms and
[Hotohori]
and WOKE UP, VERY SUDDENLY, from what had OBVIOUSLY been a DREAM!
[Nuriko]
As he sat up in bed, though, he noticed someone lying beside him...and
remembered, suddenly, that the dream had been nothing more than a memory of
what had happened several days earlier. He smiled and, laying gently back down
onto the bed, wrapped an arm around Nuriko's slim waist and drifted off into
sleep again.
[Tamahome]
Hotohori-sama woke up the next morning to find that he'd been stripped of his
position as emperor because he was just too okama to run a country. He and
Nuriko moved to the mountains and opened up a little inn. They lived happily
ever after.
[Hotohori]
Aaaaaaaaahhhh...help me, someone! Please!
[Chichiri]
Ano...hai, Hotohori-sama.
It was several days before Hotohori realized that the entire thing had been an
illusion of the Seiryuu seishi Tomo's no da. When he realized this, he broke
free of the illusion...and returned to his duties at court no da.
[Hotohori]
Phew. Arrigato.
[Nuriko]
NE! Chichiri! Who's side are you on??!
[Tasuki]
Oi, I'm gettin @#(*&$ bored of this thing.
[Hotohori]
Silence! This fic does not end until Miaka and I are together!
[Tamahome]
Then, this fic is never going to end, Hotohori-sama, because *I* end up with
Miaka in this story!
[Chiriko]
There was a dog in the meadow named Rooster. Rooster liked to run and play and
jump and chase chickens.
[Hotohori]
Ah! I know!
Actually, the man they knew as Tamahome was, indeed, a SEIRYUU IMPOSTER, sent
to destroy the Miko and her seishi before they had a chance to summon Suzaku!
[Nuriko]
Naaaaaaaani?
[Chichiri]
That's not very original no da...
[Tamahome]
Yes, it was true! Tamahome was a Seiryuu imposter!..........or, at least,
that's what Hotohori tried to CONVINCE everyone of. ACTUALLY, it was HOTOHORI
who was the imposter!
[Chiriko]
The cow in the meadow goes moo. The cow in the meadow goes moo...
[Chichiri]
Ano...I think Chiriko needs our help no da...
[Hotohori]
See to him, Chichiri. I have...other business to attend to!
[Tamahome]
Like your wedding to Nuriko!
[Nuriko]
Wai! Wai!
[Hotohori]
Nuriko, please. You know this can't happen...I am an emperor. I must take an
empress and conceive an HEIR.
[Nuriko]
Ahhhh, but forbidden love is so romaaaaaantic!
[Tamahome]
Because Tamahome knew that Hotohori wasn't a Suzaku shichiseishi and was merely
pretending to be one, he faced him in battle. With the love of Suzaku no Miko
on his side, Tamahome quickly defeated the Seiryuu seishi and managed to kill
[Nuriko]
Hold it RIGHT THERE! You are NOT killing off Hotohori-sama in this story!
[Hotohori]
Nuriko is right. It would be a great injustice to destroy one so beautiful and
elegant so early on in the story...
[Tamahome]
Oh, fine, fine.
Tamahome quickly defeated the Seiryuu seishi and--rather than killing
him--asked Chichiri to use his magic to send the man back to Kutou. There,
happy now? Damn okamas...
[Tasuki]
Wit the emperor outta the way and nothin left to do but whine and be annoying,
Miko went to look for the other seishi. The next 1 she found was a real
@*#$&$ cool guy called Tasuki.
[Tamahome]
Tasuki was afraid of water and the biggest okama of them all. In fact, he and
Koji
[Tasuki]
DAMMIT NO MORE ABOUT ME AN KOJI YOU @(#*$&@#$*(&@# (*@#$(*&@#$
@#$&@(*#$!!!!
[Tamahome]
He and Koji did things that would make even Nuriko blush. ^_^;;
[Nuriko]
o.O Taaaama!
[Tasuki]
Grrr. Tasuki was way 2 cool for the other baka seishi, so he took out his
tessen and LEKKA SHIENed em all to death. The end.
[Hotohori]
Tasuki! You can't do that!
[Nuriko]
Yeah! What the hell's wrong with you??
[Chichiri]
I'll take care of it no da.
Tasuki awoke a few minutes later no da...and realized that it had all been a
terrible dream
[Chiriko]
caused by too much beef.
[Chichiri]
Ano...okay no da... Caused by too much beef na no da.
[Tasuki]
Still, Tasuki thought the stuff in the dream was a pretty damn cool idea, so he
went and got his tessen and
[Hotohori]
and locked it away in a deep safe, so as to never be tempted to use it against
his fellow shichiseishi.
[Nuriko]
Nice save, Hotohori-sama.
[Hotohori]
Arrigato. ^_^.
[Nuriko]
Ne! Hotohori-sama! That's my emoticon!!
[Hotohori]
Nani?
[Nuriko]
The mole! The mole! ^_^. <--See the mole?? Ohhhh, Hotohori-sama! You added
the mole just for meeee! I'm so haaaaappy!
[Hotohori]
Ano...that was a period, Nuriko...
[Tamahome]
Hehehe. Suuuuuure it was, Hotohori-sama.
[Mitsukake]
When do I get to make my entrance?
[Tasuki]
You don't cuz I killed all the seishi already, remember?
[Mitsukake]
Hrrmph. All right, then, I'll just have to take care of this myself. Tasuki
went insane and--before anyone knew what he was doing--burned the other seishi
with his tessen
[Nuriko]
Nani?
[Hotohori]
Mitsukake! I'm so disappointed in you...
[Tasuki]
Nehehehehehehehehehe! Oi, Mits--didn't think ya had it in ya!
[Mitsukake]
I wasn't finished. -.-;;
Tasuki went insane and burned the other seishi with his tessen..but, just then,
a tall, good-looking man arrived and cured them all with his healing power.
Tasuki, who was mentally deranged and beyond saving, was locked in a low palace
dungeon and left to rot.
[Tasuki]
Oi! That ain't fair, Mitsukake!
[Hotohori]
And, attempting to burn my hauntingly-beautiful skin was?
[Tamahome]
Actually, Hotohori-sama...if you'll remember, you're off in Kutou...'cause
you're the Seiryuu imposter...remember?
[Hotohori]
Urgh. I'd forgtten...
[Nuriko]
Don't worry, Hotohori-sama...I'll fix it for you. ^_^.
[Hotohori]
Uhh...Nuriko...
[Nuriko]
As it turned out, the man the seishi thought was Hotohori actually HAD been a
Seiryuu imposter...and Chichiri's magic sent him back to Kutou where he
belonged.
[Hotohori]
Ano...how does that make it better, Nuriko?
[Nuriko]
Ne, I'm not FINISHED yet.
Chichiri's magic sent him back to Kutou where he belonged. HOWEVER...the REAL
Hotohori was found the very next day by Nuriko. Nuriko was walking through the
palace dungeons on his way to give that insane pyro Tasuki some food, and he
found Hotohori in one of the nearby cells. The imposter had put him there when
he arrived...but, Hotohori was unharmed and just as beautiful as ever. He was
so happy to be rescued, in fact, that he leaped out of the cell and wrapped his
arms around Nuriko and
[Hotohori]
Uhh...that's quite enough, Nuriko.
[Nuriko]
Oh, come on, Hotohori-sama! I don't think it's asking for that much, to be
allowed to have just ONNNNE moment in the arms of the most beaaaaaaautiful man
in Konan...
[Hotohori]
Well...ahem. Since you put it that way...I suppose it isn't THAT large a
request...very well...
[Nuriko]
Honto ni? O.O Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh! Teehee. Arrigato, Hotohori-sama!
[Tamahome]
Oh, for Suzaku's sake...
While the two okamas were busy doing whatever it was they were
doing...ick...Tasuki somehow managed to get his tessen back and fried a hole
right through the bars of his cell.
[Tasuki]
Yeaaah! All riiiiiight!
[Tamahome]
Tasuki knew that it would be a terrible thing if anyone saw that Hotohori was
actually a flaming okama, so he decided to be kind and kill him with the tessen
before anyone could realize it and take advantage of the weakness.
[Nuriko]
Oh...no...you...DON'T, Tama-chan!
Just as Tasuki was about to send the fire flying at Hotohori-sama, though,
Tamahome came running down the stairs, tripped, and fell right on top of
Tasuki. They were both knocked out cold...and the romantic moment between
Nuriko and Hotohori-sama could finally continue. ^_~.
[Tasuki]
Okay, that's @(*#$&$ IT. I'm @(*#$&$ done with this @(#*$&$ fic!
It's just some damn excuse for okama love scenes and its drivin me @#*$&$
crazy!!
[Miaka]
Ahhhh, Hotohori! Nuriko! Kaaaaawaaaiiiiiiiiii!!!
[Hotohori]
Miaka!?! W...w...when did you get here?? You...uh...you didn't read that
part...did you? O.O!
[Nuriko]
Heh heh heh. Good to see you, Miaka!
[Miaka]
Arrigato, Nuriko! Ne...you two make a kawaaaaaaaii couple!! Teeheeeee.
[Tamahome]
Awwwww, Hotohori-sama. Kawaaaaaaaii...hehehehehee.
[Hotohori]
Chichiri?? Heeeeelp!
[Chichiri]
Uuhhh...gomen ne no da, Hotohori-sama...there isn't really anything I can do na
no da...except maybe...
[Hotohori]
What? Anything! Onegai, Chichiri!!
[Chichiri]
Hai no da...Hotohori-sama.
While chaos was unfolding no da...Chichiri stepped forward and cast a very
advanced spell no da. That spell had the power to bring everything back to
normal no da...and finally, finally, put an end to the ill-fated fanfiction
before any more impressionable young minds were injured na no da.
[Hotohori]
Ahh, Chichiri!!! Arrigato! Arrigato!!
[Nuriko]
Dooooooooooshite, Chichiri!?! Things were FIIIINALLY going my waaay!
[Chichiri]
Uh...gomen, Nuriko. Demo...it had to end na no da.
[Nuriko]
Then, uhh...why is it still...going...? o.O
[Chichiri]
Ah...right no da. Someone has to say "the end."
[Tasuki]
My pleasure! THE @#(*$&@#(*$& END!!!!
[Miaka]
Nani? But...but, we didn't even get to the part where my hair flies around my
face and there's that cool red light and I look all heroic and
[Tamahome]
Shhhhh, Miaka. Let it end.
[Miaka]
Ahhh, but Tamahooooome!
[Tamahome]
The end.
[Nuriko]
Siiiiiigh. I'll never get that close again! -.-;;
---
~end.~
---
*author sweatdrops*