Warnings: Tasuki language.

Notes: Okayyyy…before someone shoves me in a padded cell, this idea arose from a conversation with Ryuen…umm…okay, I shall try to explain.

THE EXPLANATION: There is a song sung by Sakamoto Chika called No Brand Heroes. It is the theme song of an anime called Koko wa Greenwood. **nodnod** And people are playing trumpets in the background, and we once joked that it was Hotohori playing the trumpet in the background, because, well…have you ever tried to picture Hotohori playing the trumpet?? It’s funny as hell!! Anyway. Weeks later, I was listening to Hotohori’s song Dengon, and realized that there, too, there is a trumpet in the background. So, the big question was, if Hotohori’s singing the song, who the heck is playing the trumpet?? And Ryu-chan came up with an interesting solution.

Ryuen: He’s playing it with his nose.

So. This led to the whole Hotohori-In-A-One-Man-Band idea, which is why he is playing Bert in the following frightening fic endeavor. **nodnod** And that is The Explanation. Ehehe.

 

NURI POPPINS

As narrated by Mitsukake

 

Mitsukake: Hello, and welcome to Fushigi Theater’s production of ‘Mary Poppins.’ As I have been denied a role in the retelling of this classic tale, I have been declared the narrator.

Hotohori: …Wait a moment, wait a moment.

Mits: ?

Hotohori: I’m sorry, Mitsukake-kun, ahaha. However, as I am playing the lighthearted Cockney chimney sweep, I believe I am the narrator of the story.

Mits: Give me a break, heika. I get little enough screen time as it is.

Hotohori: Well, all right. I suppose I can make this sacrifice.

Mits: Thank you for your benevolence. --;; Anyway. We will skip the scene in which Hotohori-sama’s character dances around banging on his drum.

Hotohori: Thank you. I don’t like to overly exert myself.

Mits: Not a problem. And so, we come to the home of Mr and Mrs Banks…

Tamahome: **charges in in a suit** Where the heck are the kids???

Miaka: Beats me, but I gotta run! I’m late for my suffragette meeting.

Tamahome: Mehh?? What’s that??

Miaka: **shrug** Iunno, but maybe they’ll have snacks there!

Mits: The suffragette movement took place in the early years of the 20th century. During this period, British women campaigned for the vote, sometimes using militant tactics such as blowing up mailboxes, sometimes simply chaining themselves to fences in protest. Upon their arrests, many of these women underwent hunger strikes to stand up for their cause, but many ignored them and believed they were but a nuisance to the workings of Parliament. It was not until the end of the Great War that women earned the vote, and ironically, this was due to their hard work during the war, and not to their pre-war picketing.

All: **blinkblink**

Mits: **grumbles** Mouse-chan made me say it.

Miaka: Yeahhhh, soooo, anywayyyy…gotta go!

Mits: Mrs. Banks was about to leave when suddenly, a policeman appeared at their front door with the two missing children.

Tamahome: Ahhh, Jane and Michael! Thank goodness; now I don’t have to waste money on a private investigator.

Miaka: Michael, dear! Are you all right?

Chiriko: Yes, mother, I am perfectly well. Thank you for inquiring after my present state of health.

Miaka: …

Tamahome: …Jane!! My lovely daughter! You’re okay, too?

[pause]

Tamahome: Uhh…Jane? You’re here, right?

Chichiri: **off stage** Come on, no da!! It’s your part! You have to go on, na no da!

Tasuki: **off stage** Why the fuck do you people always fuckin do this to me??!?!! What, like there were no fuckin guy parts available??!?!

Nuriko: **off stage** Tasukiiiiiiii, get out there or I’ll make you into a wall angel!!

Tasuki: **still off stage** I’m not fuckin goin out there, you fuckin psychotic gender-bending…

[CRASH!! SPLAT!!! BOOM!!!]

Tasuki: **flies across the stage, splats into the opposite wall**

Tamahome: ^^;;; Ahahaha, Jane!! Don’t…damage the house, will you? With all the walls you’ve broken, we’re nearly in debt…

Tasuki: **picks himself up and glowers**

Tamahome: Well, anyway, I must be off to the bank! And your mother is off to blow up mailboxes! So we’re going to leave you with your nanny, and…

Miboshi: **floating downstairs** I QUIT!!!

All: **GASP!!**

Miaka: ^_^() Who the heck cast this production??

Tamahome: Ahhhhh…but…no! You can’t quit!!

Tasuki: That thing’s our nanny? No wonder us kids’re so fucked up!

Chiriko: SHH!!

Miboshi: Too bad, I’m leaving! I cannot stay a minute longer in this house!! It’s stifling me, I tell you…STIFLING ME!!! **sob** Your children are taking away my basic liberties, and so…Sooooo…I must leave you! Farewell!!!

[scattered applause]

[Tomo appears briefly to present Miboshi with an Oscar, then they both leave]

Mitsukake: This was quite a blow for Mr and Mrs Banks. They now had no one to take care of their children.

Tamahome: I know! Let’s just lock them up in a cage in the cellar!

Miaka: TAMAHOME!!!! **whaps him**

Mitsukake: They wanted to get a new nanny…

Tamahome: Someone with a leash! Or magical immobilizing powers!

Miaka: Yeah! And someone who can cook well!

Mitsukake: However, their children had different ideas.

Tasuki: Yeah, see, we think your choice of nannies SUCKS.

Mits: But their parents didn’t really care.

Miaka and Tamahome: So?

Mits: They put out an add for nannies in the local paper, and soon, the street was lined with applicants. They did not know how they would deal with them all. But suddenly, as they watched, the women were hurled off the sidewalk one by one, as something small and purple plowed through the crowd and popped up at the door.

Nuriko: Whazzaaaap?!?!?!

Miaka and Tamahome: **blinkblink**

Nuriko: Hi! I’m Nuri Poppins! Hire me as your new nanny, okie dokie?

Tamahome: Uhhh…

Nuriko: Thanks! See ya later!! C’mon, kids, let’s go play upstairs!!

Mits: Nuri Poppins led Jane and Michael upstairs to their bedroom, leaving their gaping parents behind them.

Chiriko: You’re very pretty, Nuri Poppins.

Nuriko: Awww, why thanks.

Tasuki: **still sulking** You’re a fuckin man, Nuri Poppins.

Nuriko: Ahhh, details…so, anyway, whatcha guys wanna do? Play a board game? Ahhh, I know! Let’s play dress-up!!! ^___^

Tasuki and Chiriko: …

Nuriko: C’mon! It’ll be fun!! **starts taking clothes from the closet**

[sings, to the tune of Spoonful of Sugar]

What fun is it to play a game
If you are constantly the same?
It’s fun to play a game of make believe!

Just take a ribbon and a dress,
And in an hour or less,
Fulfill your dreams!
Less psycho than it seems!

For a short round of dress-up
Shows the crossdresser inside!
The crossdresser insiiiide,
Crossdresser inside!

Just a short round of dress-up
Shows the crossdresser inside!
In the most delightful way!!

Tasuki: What the FUCK!??!?!!

Nuriko: Whaaaat, you don’t wanna play??

Tasuki: HELL, no!! That’s messed up!!

Nuriko: **sweetly** This from a mountain bandit dressed as a little English girl?

Tasuki: HEYY!! They MADE me do it!!

Nuriko: Right, right.

Tasuki: Now, look, Nuri-chan…

Mits: **interrupts quickly** Yesss, indeed, the days of Jane and Michael under the care of their new nanny were filled with fun and…new…experiences.

Nuriko: Okay, now, I have five shades of lipstick…

Tasuki: GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MEEE!!!!

Mits: -_-;; One fine day, they took a walk in the park and ran into their old friend, Bert the Chimney Sweep.

Hotohori: Hello. I am a handsome yet humble chimney sweep who sometimes plays in a one-man band and draws hallucinatory chalk pictures on the pavement.

Nuriko: *_*

Hotohori: I can also play the trumpet with my nose.

Nuriko: Eeeehehehehehehehehehe!!! ^___^n

Tasuki: Ahhh, fuck. Here we go again.

Nuriko: So. "Bert." Ahahahha. Ya single?

Hotohori: **flustered** Ummm…

Mits: **stage whisper** Nuriko. Nuri Poppins does not fall in love with Bert.

Nuriko: Mehhh?? Whaaat? Why not??

Mits: Because…it isn’t in the story.

Nuriko: Well, they made Tasuki a girl!! Why can’t they change this, too??

Tasuki: --;;;

Hotohori: Errr, Nuriko…I…

Nuriko: **grabs his arm** You love me, Hotohori-sama!! Don’t you?? Ne ne ne ne ne???

Hotohori: ^^;;; Nuriko. This is…just a role. It isn’t real. Let it be.

Nuriko: But…but…

Hotohori: Nuriko.

Nuriko: **hangs his head** Okayyyyy.

Mits: Very well, then. On with the plot. Now, on this fine day…

Nuriko: **sniffffffle**

Mits: …

Chiriko: Nuri Poppins? Are you okay?

Tasuki: **grumbles** Shit. Fer cryin out loud…

Nuriko: H-hai…I’m…I’m okay…**wipes at eyes**

Hotohori: ^^;; Anoooo…Mitsukake-kun…

Mits: All right, all right…just…tell him you love him and get on with it.

Hotohori: Nuriko…

Nuriko: **glomps him** I knowww, Hotohori-samaaa!! I love you, too!!!

All: **sweatdrop**

Nuriko: Very well. On with the story. Weren’t we supposed to go visit that freaky laughing guy?

Mits: --;; That fine day, the two children and their nanny and friend went to visit the freaky laughing guy for tea.

Chichiri: Waaahahahahoooo, no daaa!!

Tasuki: What the fuck?? He’s floatin on the fuckin ceiling!!

Chiriko: This is a physical impossibility! I must take blood samples!!

Chichiri: Wooohoohoooo, na no da!!

Hotohori: ^^;; Ehh…Nuri Poppins, can we leave soon?

Nuriko: Excuse me…Freaky Laughing Guy? Are you okay up there?

Chichiri: Just fine, no da! Wahaha!

Tasuki: Okay, this dude’s freakin me out.

Nuriko: They don’t call him Freaky Laughing Guy for nothing. If he didn’t freak people out, he’d just be…Laughing Guy.

Tasuki: --;;

Hotohori: Let’s go.

Chiriko: But…but…I have diagrams to draw!! **he is dragged off by his companions**

Mits: They returned to the park, where they were immediately sucked into one of Bert’s hallucinatory chalk pictures.

All: Waaahhh!!

Tasuki: Whaaaat the hell??!! We’re in the middle of a cartoon!!

Nuriko: Whose drugged-up idea was this??!

Mits: After a number of songs and a frightening encounter with tap-dancing penguins, Jane, Michael, Bert, and Nuri Poppins returned home.

Tamahome: Ahh, children! How was your first day with your new nanny??

Tasuki: Nuri Poppins needs psychotherapy.

Tamahome: Well, it’s a good thing she’s cheap, then!

Tasuki: He’s also a guy.

Tamahome: Well…! It’s a good thing he’s cheap!

Tasuki: Freak.

Miaka: Now, go upstairs, everyone! It’s time for bed.

Tasuki: Bed?!?!?

Mits: The children were then taken up to their bedroom, whereupon Nuri Poppins kindly tucked them in.

Tasuki: Watch where yer tuckin, there, Nuri.

Nuriko: **rolls eyes** Haai, hai…whatever.

Chiriko: Nuri Poppins, won’t you please serenade us with a gentle tune before we slip into the realm of unconsiousness?

Nuriko & Tasuki: …

Chiriko: --;; Sing us a song, Nuri Poppins.

Nuriko: Haaai, hai, of course!! Hmm…I’ll sing you one my mother used to sing to me when I was young.

[sings, to the tune of Feed the Birds]

Early each day in the land of Kutou,
The shogun named Nakago comes
He’s Seiryuu no seishi, as we all should know
And hoping that Konan succumbs.

Nakago’s creepy and Nakago’s mean,
To visions of power he clings
And lately he follows a psycho routine,
And ev-e-ry morning he sings:

"Squish the birds, tuppence a squeeze,
Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a squeeze.
Squish the birds," that’s what he cries;
He’s really nuts, we soon realize…

Chiriko: I wish I could squish the birds!

Nuriko: Maybe some day you will, Michael.

Tasuki: What kinda fuckin drug-induced lullaby was that??!

Nuriko: What, Jane, you didn’t like it?

Tasuki: HELL, no!!! It’s a song about a guy squishin birds!!!

Nuriko: Very well, then, sweetie; I have a better way to make you go to sleep. **whacks Tasuki over the head; Tasuki falls onto his pillow, unconscious**

Chiriko: Wow, you’re smart, Nuri Poppins!

Nuriko: Why, thank you, dear. Go to bed, now. Tomorrow we can all go squish the birds!

Chiriko: Hurrayyyy!!

Mits: The next day, Nuri Poppins and the children wanted to go track down Nakago and squish the birds. However, Mr. Banks insisted that Michael invest his money in the bank.

Tamahome: What, are you crazy??! You’re gonna waste your money on that??

Chiriko: It’s a scientific experiment.

Tamahome: Ehehehe…why don’t you give me your money…son???!

Miaka: Tamahomeeee…

Chiriko: No, Father. I believe you love money more than you love me.

Tamahome: Well, now that you mention it…

Miaka: TAMAHOME!!!

Tamahome: WHAAAT??!?

Nuriko: Hey! Now’s the part where you stop being a miser and pledge to spend more time with your family!!

Tamahome: Huh??

Mits: Yes, quite right. It says so right here. **points to script**

Tamahome: Euhhh…okay! Kids, I’m going to stop being a miser, and I pledge that I will spend more time with you!

Miaka: Aww, honey!!

Tasuki and Chiriko: Aww, Dad!!

**group hug**

Nuriko: Well, my work here is done! I will now float off into the sky!

Tasuki: Thank god.

Nuriko: **punches him into the wall** Take care, guys! Ja neee!! **floats up into the sky** **changes mind** **floats back down, snags Hotohori, floats back up again**

Mits: And everyone lived happily ever after, I suppose.

THE END

Disclaimer: No birds were squished during the writing of this fic.

Hotohori: I had far too small a role in this story. I must protest.