Disclaimer:
The characters from Fushigi Yuugi are the creations and property of Yuu Watase
and related enterprises. The characters from Inu-Yasha are the creations and
property of Rumiko Takahashi and related enterprises. I do not own them and do
not make any profit from this fiction except for my own enjoyment in spending
time with them.
On the other hand, the original characters Mom and Dad are
my original creations and they belong to me. As do other assorted family
members. As for the reviewers and fanfic authors in this fic - they belong to
themselves! But I get to “borrow” them for the duration of this fic - a fact
that they will regret very, very much in this chapter. (evil, gleeful cackle)
Warning: Implied sexual situations, implied shounen ai, implied
shoujo ai, implied good taste when it’s actually bad...
Musical selection: “19-2000” by the Gorillaz on their compilation CD
"Gorillaz", copyright 2002 EMI Records, Ltd.
**************************************************************************************************
Chapter 8. Pride and Plagiarism
Part A. The Poster Girl for the Anti-Exercise Campaign
Roku and her
sisters stand transfixed in horror, staring at their onstage doppelgangers.
Meanwhile, Tasuki is moving his hands up and down his new body, then
tentatively stops at the front of his jeans.
Tasuki: (in a desolate wail) Ohhhhhhhhhh, noooooooooooo!!
This causes Hotohori to finally lose it, and he bursts into tears. To add
injury to insult, The Slipper comes winging out of the darkness and raps Tasuki
across his knuckles.
Tasuki: Ouch! Fuck!! Owwwwwwww!!
Mom: (shaking a finger at him) You itsa not touch yourself there!!
I not raise my daughters to act like that!!
Tasuki: (pissed) I ain’t your fuckin’ daughter, got it?
Mom: (shocked, drawing in a long deep breath) Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Roku finally snaps out of her state of shock, recognizing the precursor to the
Armageddon Slipper Attack of Utter Annihilation.
Roku: (screaming into her headset) Kryssa!! Hic!! Drop the curtain,
DROP THE CURTAIN!!! HIC!!
The curtain comes sailing down, its bottom edge descending just in time to
deflect five Slippers, all ballistically aimed at Tasuki. Roku nearly
collapses in relief, knowing that this would have taken out her lead actor for
the rest of the play - and possibly the rest of the year.
Kryssa: (over the radio headset) Damn!! Where did she get five
of them??!! I thought slippers only came in pairs!
Roku: Hic! Trust me, Kris - she has an infinite supply of
Slippers. I gave up -hic- on trying to figure out the limitations of her
Slipper supply while I was still a kid! Hic! By the way, I owe ya one!
Kryssa: Yeah, well, just keep that in mind the next time you get the urge
to play with my magician!
Roku: (tapping her headset) Sorry - you’re breaking up, Kris,
hic!... I couldn’t quite catch, hic, what you said there...
Kryssa: (pissed) Wench!! Just you wait!!
Roku grins, then strides onstage, Chichiri’s Girl and the Vampire Princess
accompanying her. While Roku joins Mitsukake to exchange ideas (and take a
closer look at “herself”), Chichiri’s Girl pushes past her and strides up to her
double, grabbing him and giving him a good shake.
Chichiri's Girl: Thanks one fuckin’ hell of a lot for that
one, Fang-Boy!! Now I’m in serious shit with my mother, thanks to you
and your fuckin’ Madonna imitations!!
Tasuki: (pulling out of her grasp) Fuck off! You woulda done the
same thing if you just lost your three best friends!
Vampire Princess: (smug) You know, CG, I’m getting this weird
feeling of satisfaction at seeing you get in trouble because of somebody
else’s stunts - it always worked the other way around when we were kids.
Chichiri's Girl: Screw you, wench!
Tasuki gets bored with the sisterly spat and wanders towards the throne to see
how Hotohori's doing - and to deliberately avoid Miaka, who has been waiting in
the wings with Chiriko for their entrance at the end of the "Apology"
scene.
Vampire Princess: (smirking at the sight of the two seishi
together) Hah, wench! Take a look at that! You always used to make fun of my
butt, but now look at you - yours is every bit as big as mine!! (chanting)
Destiny, Destiny… There's no escaping Destiny!!
Chichiri's Girl: Fuck you, wench! At least I don't have the rippled
version!!
Hotohori: (looking behind himself in horror) Rippled??!!!
Chichiri's Girl: Yeah - 'cause you'd see pigs fly before you ever
catch her doing any exercise!!
Vampire Princess: What the fuck are you talking about? You
haven't exactly been Miss Health-and-Fitness since you moved down South! All
you do is drink sweet tea and lay around the racquet club pool!!
Tasuki: Hey!! If I'm getting stuck with this body, it's going to be
working out big time for sure! And the first thing I'm gonna do is get a better
bra!!
Chichiri's Girl: (glaring at her alter-ego) Fuck you, too!
Tasuki: In your dreams! I thought you were hot for Chichiri,
anyway…
Chichiri's Girl: Don't flatter yourself, Fang-Boy - I got no
interest in you!
Vampire Princess: Oh, yeah? Then how come all you do at the Racquet
club pool is check out the teenage Tasuki-look-alike as he goes off the high
dive with his little pack of bandit boys?!
Chichiri's Girl: (blushing) That's… that's just to help out Roku,
in case she wants to re-cast this play!!
Tasuki: Hey!!! She's got me, she don't need no wussy little baby
boy!
Chichiri's Girl: Well, from what I can tell, he has more balls than
you, little girrrrllllll.
Tasuki: Fuck you, wench! This condition's only temporary, right,
Roku??!!
He looks anxiously at the Director, who is holding her hands up to her
forehead. Next to her, her look-alike is doing the same thing.
Roku: Do you think that we could stop the hair-pulling for ONE
MINUTE, hic! and give me the space I need to correct this situation??!!
HIC!!
Mitsukake: (sarcastic) Yes, if it wouldn't be too terribly hard on
you people, would you SHUT UP and let her think this through??!!
Tasuki: This is eerie - I never noticed before how much those two
really are alike! (looks at his emperor, who is weeping softly on his throne)
Hey, Hotohori - don't take it so bad. Roku's gonna fix everything. And if she
can't, I'll take ya to this health club, and we'll both get rid of this excess
poundage!
Chichiri's Girl and Vampire Princess: Hey!!!
Chichiri's Girl: Anyway, that body will keel over dead of shock if
you try to get it to walk through the health club doors.
Hotohori bursts into a fresh round of tears.
Hotohori: I never thought I'd say this, but - (wails) I wish I was
still a kitsune!!!
Vampire Princess: You know, CG, you got no room to talk! Who was
the one that Mom bought the house dress for, hmmmm?
Chichiri's Girl: Shut up! I don't have any control over what she
buys for me!
Tasuki: (incredulous) You mean that your mother still dresses you
at your age?!
All three sisters mutter and kick at the floor.
Tasuki: Well, at least that finally explains Roku's wardrobe…
Roku: Hey, hic!! I can still kick your ass, Fang-boy -hic! -
especially now, since CG can tell you that I kick hers on a regular basis!
Vampire Princess: That's the truth. But you see, Roku works out at
least four times a week.
Chichiri's Girl: Then how come she has the biggest ass of all of
us?!
Roku and Mitsukake: Hey!!!!
Chichiri's Girl: Yeah, she could be the poster girl for the
Anti-Exercise campaign!! (assumes a deep serious tone) Yes, ladies - you can do
martial arts, Nordic Trak, weight lifting, and neighborhood jogging - and still
be unable to get rid of an ass the size of Minnesota. So don't bother, ladies -
exercise won't help!
Roku: (enraged) That's it!!!
She jumps at her sister, who runs around behind Tasuki. Roku gets confused, so
she jumps both of them, and soon there is a shrieking pile composed of one Roku
and two Chichiri's Girls rolling around the stage. As the violence increases,
the noise level brings the rest of the seishi running.
Tamahome: (confused) What the hell is going on here??!!
He looks out from the wings and sees two versions of each sister onstage.
Tamahome: (turning pale) Oh my God - they're multiplying!!
Chichiri comes up beside him and places a comforting hand on his shoulder.
Chichiri: No, I suspect that this is the work of Shin again. We'd
better sort this out. Go out there and break it up, Tamahome.
Tamahome: Uh-uh, no way. I'm not going out there - you go
out there!!
Chichiri: I'm not going - there are two CGs out
there! You go!!!
Tamahome: No, you!!
Chichiri: No, you!!
Tamahome: No, you!!
Chichiri: No, you!!
Nuriko: (wearily) Maaaa-taku. I'll go out there, all right, you
sissy boys?
He strides out to the brawl and begins pulling the combatants apart, tossing
each one to a separate corner of the stage. They get to their feet angrily but
back down when he powers up his gauntlets and flexes his arms.
Nuriko: I can take you all on, all at once if you want! So you can
either settle down - or come here to get your ass kicked!
He turns to Mitsukake.
Nuriko: So, Roku-chan, tell me what happened here.
Mitsukake: I'm not Roku - I'm Mitsukake.
Nuriko: (staring at him in shock) Damn! This is one hell of a
come-down for you, eh, Mits?!
Mitsukake: Tell me about it! Now I've got a munchkin's-eye view of
the world - and I don't much care for it!
Roku: (from her corner) Hey!!!
Mitsukake: At least I'm a lot less traumatized than Hotohori - just
look at him!
Nuriko: (sucking in his breath) Hotohori-samaaaaaaaa…
He walks over to his lover, who is huddled on his throne, refusing to meet
Nuriko's eyes. Nuriko sighs, then moves up and takes Hotohori's hand.
Nuriko: (very gently) Now, Hotohori-sama, we've been through all
this already. You know that it makes no difference to me how you look - so stop
being so sad.
Hotohori finally raises his eyes to Nuriko's and gives him a tremulous smile.
Hotohori: But I've changed sex this time…
Nuriko: Like I've always said - love shouldn't be restricted by
gender roles. And my love for you will never change, no matter how much your
appearance may alter…
The rest of the onstage cast and crew: Awwwwwwwwwwww…
Nuriko and Hotohori flush in embarrassment. Nuriko then takes his lover's arm.
Nuriko: Let's go somewhere a little more private. (calling out to
Roku-chan) Okay if we take five?
Roku: Yeah, hic. Makes no difference until I -hic- solve this
problem. (raising her voice) Everybody take five, okay? But stay within
shouting distance, hic!!
Nuriko and Hotohori leave the stage, while the other seishi hang around,
chatting quietly with each other. Roku-chan sits down on the floor, disconsolately
cradling her chin in her hand while hiccuping softly. Chichiri and Tamahome
approach her.
Chichiri: (softly) Are you all right, Roku?
Roku: Yeah… hic. (sighing) It's just that I hafta keep bringing the
curtain down, and I don't know how much longer the audience is gonna put up
with this before they walk out. (hiccups glumly) And then the play will be a
flop, and good-bye, life savings… Hic!! (smiles up at the guys) Let's just hope
that the fangirls hang in there in hopes of seeing more of their favorite
bishies!
Tamahome: (slamming his fist into his hand) That's it!!
Chichiri and Roku jump.
Tamahome: Sorry, guys. But I just got the most brilliant idea
of how to keep most of the audience members entertained - and raise some
serious okane at the same time!
Roku-chan raises her eyebrows at Chichiri, who shakes his head imperceptibly.
She sighs again.
Roku: Thanks, Tama-sweetheart. Hic! But after the popcorn fiasco,
I'm not anxious -hic- to put you in harm's way again…
Tamahome: (still enthusiastic) Don't worry, Roku-chan! This is a
"Can't Fail" business venture! (smiles ingratiatingly) But I'll need
Chichiri's help…
Roku: (perking up) Well, as long as Chichiri's with you, you should
be able to avoid personal injury, hic…
She turns puppy eyes on the magician, who is looking frankly skeptical.
Tamahome does the puppy eyes, too, and finally Chichiri gives in.
Chichiri: (wearily) Daaaaaaa, no da.
Roku: So are you gonna -hic- fill me in on the big plan, Boy Blue?
Tamahome: (smirking happily) Nope! It's a surprise! You'll just
have to wait and see! (frowns a moment) Ummmm, I have to take care of some…
personal concerns first. But I'll meet up with you in the lobby in a couple of
minutes, okay, 'Chiri? (runs off)
Chichiri: Fine. (turns as he's walking out, and looks back at
Roku-chan) If this blows up in my face, you're going to owe me big time!
Roku: (blowing him a kiss) Just name your price! Hic!!
Chichiri laughs and walks out.
***************************************************************************************************
Part B. Another case of mistaken identity…
Shortly thereafter, Tasuki walks off into the stage left wings - and comes
face-to-face with Miaka. He flushes uncomfortably.
Miaka: (hesitant) It’s you, right?
Tasuki: (looking down) Yeah...
He suddenly assumes a cocky grin - but can’t hide the pain in his eyes.
Tasuki: (with false cheeriness) Hey, I just keep gettin’
better-lookin’ all the time! Don’t know how the girls can resist me!
Miaka: (softly) I know I can’t...
Tasuki: (suddenly bitter) Oh yes, you can... I mean, I'm hardly your
first choice, am I?
Miaka: (eyes filling with tears) Tasuki, listen...
Tasuki: Ya know somethin’? I gotta go to the can. See ya around.
He strides off towards the men’s room, leaving her blinking back her tears. He
pushes through the door angrily - and almost runs straight into Tamahome, just
rezipping his jeans.
Tamahome: (shocked) CG!! You’re not supposed to be in here!
Tasuki: (pushing past him into a stall) I ain’t CG, remember, Rocket
Scientist? (sound of jeans unzipping) Goddammit!! How the fuck do girls aim,
anyway?
Tamahome: I don’t think they do. You’ve got to sit down, Tasuki.
Tasuki: (from behind the door) Oh, all right! Fuck!
Tamahome: Listen, Tasuki, I’ve got a question to ask you...
Tasuki: You can fuckin’ forget it! I got no intention of exploring
this female anatomy - I’m just takin’ a piss, then gettin’ the fuck outta here,
touchin’ as little as possible!!
Tamahome: No, no, no... it’s not about that.
The toilet flushes, and Tasuki strides past him to the sink. He looks into the
mirror while washing his hands - and catches Tamahome frowning at the floor.
Tasuki: (suddenly realizing that Tamahome is out of sorts) You okay,
Obake-chan? You don’t seem like yourself... (frowns) For one thing, you ain’t
makin’ fun of me, pissin' me off...
Tamahome: (sighing) Does Miaka seem... different to you tonight?
Tasuki: (brown eyes widening) Different?! In what way?!
Tamahome: I don’t know... distracted, as if she’s not really here. (sighs
again)
Tasuki: (stammering) Welllllll, she’s pretty focused on the play -
hell, we all are. Especially with all the shit that Roku’s subconscious keeps
throwin’ at us... (indicates his new female form)
Tamahome: Yeah, that’s probably it. (looks down at Tasuki, who is
now about nine inches shorter than him) Come to think of it, you don’t seem
like yourself, either...
Tasuki: (snorting) No shit, Sherlock - give the genius a
prize. (finger-combing his dark hair, trying to pull the unruly waves into some
kind of order)
Tamahome: No, I mean that you seem kind of moody, withdrawn… for
you, anyway.
Tasuki: (guiltily) Just got a headache - all this shape-changin' or
somethin'…
Tamahome: (gloomily) Yeah, that's what Miaka said before…
Tasuki: (perking up) Before?
Tamahome: Yeah… We went back to my room after your big fight with
Inu-Yasha… but she said that she didn’t feel well…
Tasuki: (surprised and pleased) That's great!
Tamahome fixes him with a shocked stare.
Tamahome: Great?!!
Tasuki: (stammering) I mean… now you know what's wrong with her.
She feels sick! (trying to achieve a flippant tone) Probably this damn bug
that's going around - everybody I know is either sniffling or coughing…
Tamahome: (visibly relaxing) You're probably right, Tasuki. I think
I read too much into stuff. (punching him in the arm affectionately) You're a
real pal, you know that? (grins and strolls out of the bathroom)
Tasuki stands dumbfounded for a moment… then turns and stares into the mirror.
Tasuki: (glaring at his unfamiliar reflection) Fuckin' emotional
roller coaster. First I feel like shit… then I feel great… now I feel like shit
again… (sighs and leaves the bathroom)
He walks to the stage wings, hoping to find Miaka - or maybe talk with
Roku-chan. He's partially in luck - Miaka is nowhere in sight, but Roku-chan is
there - two of her, in fact, along with his own double, Chichiri's Girl.
There's only one Vampire Princess, though, since her double went back to
Nuriko's dressing room to rest and soothe his nerves. Sorceress is also part of
the crew… and Kei-chan arrives almost at the same time, grinning cheerily.
Roku: (happily) Kei-chan!! Hic!! Any news?
Kei-chan: Sorry, Roku… I'm pretty sure that Tomo told me everything
he knows about Shin, but he's really stumped about this situation.
Roku: Damn! Hic…
Chichiri's Girl: This is bad!! So why are you grinning, Kei-chan?
(suddenly smirking) Didja have fun getting the info outta him?
Kei-chan: (raising her eyebrows innocently) What do you mean? I
didn't hurt him… (grins) …much.
Chichiri's Girl: Whoo-hoo! (high-fives Kei-chan)
Tasuki: (shuddering) You two are scarin' me. Not that I don't think
that asshole deserves whatever shit ya dish out - but the way you girls are
enjoyin' this creeps me out!
Chichiri's Girl: (sympathetically) Must be rough to have no balls,
eh, Tasuki?
Tasuki: (pissed off) Fuck you!!
Vampire Princess: Come on, you two. Roku doesn't need another
catfight right now.
Mitsukake: You know, Roku, maybe we're approaching this situation
the wrong way. When I have a patient with an unexplained fever and I can't
determine the cause, I still go ahead and treat the symptoms…
Roku: (brightening) You're right, Mits, hic! Why didn't I think of
that? I'm supposed to be the -hic- researcher around here!
Tasuki: What are ya talkin' about?
Sorceress: I think they mean to try to stop the illusions - by
treating the hiccups! (nods as they glance at her) Yes, I know - Go get some
water, Sorceress! I'm going already!
Roku: (guiltily) You know, I do make her do all the -hic-
grunt work.
Sorceress returns with the glass of water. Everyone gathers around Roku-chan.
Kei-chan: I think you're supposed to take one big swallow, then
hold your breath till your ears pop.
Chichiri's Girl: No, I think she's supposed to shove a spoonful of
sugar in her mouth, then wash it down with the water.
Sorceress: Isn't she supposed to take nine small swallows while
holding her breath?
Tasuki: Yeah, but she's supposed to take the sips upside down…
Everyone: Upside down?
Chichiri's Girl: How the fuck are we gonna hold the glass upside
down without spilling the water?
Tasuki: No, we turn Roku upside down and make her drink it that
way.
Roku: Now wait a minute, here - hic!
Mitsukake: (musing) Well, as long as it exerts pressure on her
diaphragm, it should work…
Roku: (pissed) Ain't nobody turning me upside down, hic!, while
talking about my diaphragm - Whoop!
She shouts in alarm as Tasuki and Mitsukake grab her and flip her upside down.
The Vampire Princess crouches near her with the glass.
Vampire Princess: Now open up and try to drink.
Roku: No!! Hic!
Vampire Princess: Okay, act like a baby, and I'm going to treat you
like a baby. (pinches her nose shut)
Roku: (dropping her mouth open) Gaaahhhhh!!
The Vampire Princess pours the water into her mouth. Roku immediately begins
choking.
Vampire Princess: Now swallow!
Roku tries to swallow while upside down - and nearly succeeds in drowning
herself. She gives some gargling chokes, then goes limp. Mitsukake becomes
alarmed.
Mitsukake: Bring her up, Tasuki!
They flip her over - and Roku immediately becomes the Human Fountain, spraying
water all over Tasuki and company.
Tasuki: (brushing disgustedly at his green breeches) Fuck!! I'm all
wet! (suddenly notices that he's in his original clothes - and form) Hey!! It
worked!!
Roku: (gasping) Fucking wonderful! Listen, next time, why dontcha
just take me out in the alley and shoot me? I bet that'd get rid of the
illusions, too!
Chichiri's Girl: Oh, quit whining and get back to work! It's time
we brought the curtain back up!
Tasuki: (pissed) Well, I'm not goin' out there with wet pants!
Roku: Tasuki, that's your only pair of green breeches. Tell you
what - we'll dry you real quick with a blow dryer. Do you have one?
Tasuki: Yeah, in my dressing room.
Roku: Sorcie, could you...? No, CG, you go get it instead!
Chichiri's Girl: That's right, push around the little sister, as
always!
Roku: Just shut up and go! We're running outta time.
Chichiri's Girl takes off grumbling to the dressing rooms. She successfully
retrieves Tasuki's blow dryer and is just leaving his dressing room when she
runs into Miaka.
Chichiri's Girl: (startled) Oh, hi! I was just leaving…
Miaka: (determined) No, wait a minute. I have to talk to you.
Miaka pushes her back into the room and closes the door.
Chichiri's Girl: (confused) Well, okay - but make it quick, 'cause
they're waitin' for me backstage.
Miaka: (looks hurt) I guess I deserved that. Fine, then I'll make
it quick. I want to explain about me and Tamahome…
Chichiri's Girl: (jittering) Do we have to talk about this now?
Anyway, I don't think it's any of my business what you and Tamahome do…
Miaka: (flinching) Yes, it is. (puts her hand on CG's arm) I know
that I hurt you before and I'm sorry…
Chichiri's Girl: (completely confused) Look, I don't know what
you're talking about...
Miaka: You don't need to put on this act with me. (swallows) You
may think that I don't care, that you're just a convenience to me…
Chichiri's Girl: (getting nervous) Look, it's getting a little hot
in here. Why don't we talk while we walk? (tries to edge towards the door.)
Miaka: (blocking her way) No, I'm not letting you run away from
this. It took all of my courage to face you, and I'm going to say what I came
here to say! (getting herself back under control) I'm sorry that I sound so…
confused, but the thing is that… well, I'm just as confused as I sound. But the
one thing I'm certain of is that I have feelings for you… and I think I've felt
this way for a long time. I just didn't want to face it before.
Chichiri's Girl: (turning pale) Do you mean… romantic feelings?!
Miaka: (looking down) Of course.
Chichiri's Girl: (at a loss) Uhhhhhhhhhh… (flustered, but trying to
be kind) Look, Miaka, you're a beautiful, kind and wonderful woman - and I'm highly
flattered, but… (in a rush) you see, I'm interested in someone else.
Miaka: (pales) Someone else?
Chichiri's Girl: Yeah. (gets dreamy-eyed) Someone tall, blue and
handsome! With magic to spare!
Miaka: You can't be serious! I thought that… that those were just
stupid rumors people made up about you!
Chichiri's Girl: No, it's the God's honest truth. I can't get enough
of my magic man!
Miaka: Then everything between you and me was just…?
Chichiri's Girl: (completely confused) There never was anything
between you and me, Miaka. (feeling guilty) Except for friendship - I hope that
this doesn't ruin our friendship…
Miaka's eyes fill with tears, and the young woman turns and rushes out of the
dressing room - only to run smack into Tasuki. Tasuki catches her by the
shoulders and sees that she's been crying.
Tasuki: (angry) What the fuck??! (glares at Chichiri's Girl in his
room) What the fuck did you do to her?!
Miaka: (staring at him in shock) Tasuki!! You're… you
again!!
Tasuki: Of course, I'm me! I just came back to see what's takin' CG
so fuckin' long to get the blow dryer, and…
Miaka and Chichiri's Girl stare at each other as they realize their mistakes…
and burst out laughing.
Miaka, Chichiri's Girl: Bwahahahahahahaha!!!
Tasuki: What the fuck is so funny?
Miaka: (gasping in mirth as she remembers their crossed wires)
Stupid rumors!!
Chichiri's Girl: (on the same track) Magic man!!
They wail until they're both nearly crying, holding onto each other.
Tasuki: (pissed) Women! I'll never understand 'em!!
*******************************************************************************************************
Part C. How to appease Chichiri fangirls…
Meanwhile, in the lobby, a long line of women winds throughout the open area,
circling around the grotesque statues, going past the men's room… and also,
surprisingly, bypassing the ladies' room. The women in line murmur excitedly as
they approach their destination. A familiar voice rings out.
Tamahome: Now, ladies, have your money ready - the quicker you pay
me, the quicker you get to him! Ten dollars, please - and no pushing!!
He is sitting beneath a hastily scrawled sign that advertises "Chichiri
Kissing Booth - Kiss the Monk! Only $10 per Buss!!" Next to him is seated
the magician for sale, glumly applying chapstick between each customer.
Tamahome: All right, next in line, please! (looks up at Chibigreen
Tanuki) Hmmmmmm, you seem a little young for kissing. How about a glomp
instead?
Chibigreen Tanuki: Done!! But do I have to pay full price, then?
Tamahome: (kindly) No, five dollars will do. But we take only
silver or gold… no phony paper money!
She gives him five dimes. He stashes it away happily, then pushes her towards
Chichiri.
Chichiri: (frowning) Errrr, Tamahome…
Tamahome: Yeah, another underage one. Glomp only, 'Chiri.
Chichiri: I know that! What I meant to tell you was… (gets cut off
in midsentence as Chibigreen glomps him hard, forcing the air out of him in a
big whoosh)
Chibigreen: (starry-eyed) Wow! (heads back to the end of the line
again)
Chichiri gasps for breath as Tamahome takes another customer. This one is also
underage - and pays him five quarters. But when she faces Chichiri, she hangs
back shyly.
Shadow Priestess: Ummmmmm, errrrrrrrrrr…
Chichiri takes pity on her and smiles at her. He takes her hand gently, then
leans forward and kisses her on the cheek.
Shadow Priestess: (swirly eyes) Eeeeeeeeeekkkkk! (runs off
shrieking happily)
More women step up, grabbing the monk, kissing him hard or soft according to
their preference until he can barely breathe. Finally, he signals a time-out to
Tamahome, who is happily counting quarters, nickels and dimes.
Tamahome: Okay, ladies, there will be a one-minute recess before we
resume.
The women groan in protest as Chichiri drags Tamahome to the side.
Tamahome: Heyyyyyy, check out all the okane, 'Chiri!
Chichiri: (angry) Listen up, Tamahome. If you're going to pimp me
out, then for Suzaku's sake, do it right!! This money is worth almost nothing!
From now on, you're taking paper money, got it??!!
Tamahome: But 'Chiri…
Chichiri; (roaring) Just DO IT!!
Tamahome: (grumbling) Fine, fine, have it your way. (under his
breath) Yeah, make somebody into a star, and the next thing you know, they go
all prima donna on you…
The murmuring of the women has grown louder, so they move back to their designated
positions. To their shock, Nakago now stands at the head of the line.
Chichiri: (turning pale) This is a joke, right?
The shogun smirks evilly and tosses a one-hundred dollar bill in front of
Tamahome. Tamahome picks it up, staring at it in disbelief.
Tamahome: (awestruck) Does this say one hundred dollars??!!
Chichiri: Now, wait just one minute here, Tamahome. There's no
way…!!
Tamahome: (eyes all sparkly) Do it for Roku, Chichiri. Just close
your eyes and think of Konan…
He demonstrates by closing his own eyes. Seizing his opening, Nakago grabs
Tamahome and plants a big one on him, thrusting his tongue down Tamahome's
throat. The midnight-haired seishi flails his arms to no avail. After several
seconds pass, Nakago releases Tamahome, shoving him back into his seat hard.
Nakago: (evil smirk) Keep the change. (moves off)
Tamahome: (wiping his mouth with his sleeve) Gack!! Aaacck!!
Yucckkkk!! (gasping) Why didn't you help me, Chichiri??!!
Chichiri: (dryly) I figured that you deserved that one. So did you
think of Konan?
The two seishi glare at each other. The murmuring of the women grows louder, so
they break off their staring contest and return to work. A few minutes later,
Kryssa wanders into the lobby on the way to the bathroom. She stares at the
line… and the sign.
Kryssa: Now wait just one minute here!
She pushes her way to the front of the line - and goes pale.
Kryssa: So it's true!! (grabs Chichiri by his kesa) First
Roku-chan… and now this!! Well, there's only one thing I have to say about
that!!
She rises up on her toes, then gently catches Chichiri's mouth with hers. She
moves her lips softly against his, coaxing him until he responds, opening his
mouth slightly. They gently touch tongues… and then they're lost in their own
universe. Chichiri wraps his arms around her, pulling her closer, as Kryssa
cups his face in her hands, then runs her fingers through his bangs.
Tamahome taps his foot impatiently.
Tamahome: Ahem. Hey, you two - there are other customers here, you
know… Paying customers!!
Without breaking the kiss, Kryssa reaches her hand into her pocket and shoves
her credit card at Tamahome.
Tamahome: What am I supposed to do with this stupid picture
card??!! (gets mad) All right, that's enough now! I'm trying to run a business
here!
He steps in and pulls the two apart. Kryssa staggers back swirly-eyed, while
Chichiri drops into his seat in a daze. Tamahome has to support Kryssa by
gripping her shoulders. Thankfully, he spots Kaze-chan entering the lobby.
Tamahome: (shoving Kryssa at Kaze-chan) Here! Take your partner
back to the booth! She's disrupting my business! (indicates the equally dazed
Chichiri) And when she wakes up, tell her that she owes me ten dollars! (thinks
a moment) Paper money!! (grins proudly)
Kaze-chan just shakes her head and leads her fellow tech back to the booth.
The line of women continues, but Chichiri is still nonresponsive, staring off
into space. Tamahome is irritated by the dissatisfaction of his customers.
Tamahome: Dammit! See, Chichiri, the line is almost gone. When are
you going to wake up?!
He looks up to see the last woman in line. Chichiri's Girl grins back at him,
having left the dressing room area just minutes before. She is clutching her
tantric sex manual under her arm.
Chichiri's Girl: Don't worry, Tama - I'll wake him up! (shoves a
wad of bills at him) Now be a good boy and go away.
She leaps on Chichiri, and they fall under the table. The monk indeed wakes up,
uttering muffled cries. Tamahome peeks around the table at them, then winces.
Tamahome: Oooh! Owww! Ugh! That looks like… ouch!!
Chichiri's Girl laughs wildly. The monk's muffled protests suddenly turn into
moans. Tamahome peeks one more time - then hastily averts his eyes.
Tamahome: (backing away) Tell you what, Chichiri - I'll meet you
later in the greenroom, okay? Okay?!
Grabbing the money, he hastily runs out of the lobby. He fails to notice a
small figure in the shadows quietly videotaping the under-the-table action.
Chiriko: (in a hushed, reverent tone) So that's what tantric sex
looks like…
***************************************************************************************
Part D. …while taking a little side trip into the Land of
Plagiarism…
Roku-chan glances out at the audience filtering back into their seats. They
seem content, which makes her very happy - since she's unaware of the price
being paid by her magician friend.
Roku: Wow - whatever Tama's plan was, it seems to have worked!
(claps her hands together) Well, let's get the rest of the "Apology"
scene underway, so that we can move on to "Flight."
She looks up as Chiriko skids into the backstage area, just in time to make his
onstage entrance with Miaka.
Roku: (smiling fondly) Little Chiri-chan! Always so busy with his
"secret projects!"
As the actors repeat the last part of the scene, Roku stretches in contentment.
Roku: I think that things may actually start going right for once.
Sorceress: Yes, we’re back on track. And to your credit, your weird
little digressions seem to be holding the crowd’s attention. But here’s the
thing - we’re not even halfway through the play yet, and we keep falling
farther behind! The real question is whether or not the audience will still be
as attentive two hours from now!! That’s another story!!
Roku: (getting tense again) Yeah, it’s another story, all right...
Suddenly she is seized by a violent fit of hiccups, coming so hard and fast
that she can hardly catch her breath. Roku-chan turns her eyes to Sorceress in
panic as she struggles for breath.
Roku: Hic!! Hic!! Hic!! Hic!! Hic!! Hic!! Hic!!
Sorceress runs to the stage to get Mitsukake to help Roku-chan - but he and the
rest of the cast have vanished into thin air. Sorceress looks around in panic
and suddenly hears the roar of a motor. To her considerable shock, a full-sized
mauve van skids out onto the stage. The Gorillaz tune 19-2000 is blaring from
the van speakers. The audience is riveted by this newest anachronistic
development.
Roku-chan has fallen to her knees - but mercifully, the hiccups have backed
down to normal levels and she can breathe again. She looks up, blinking back
tears of panic, and focuses on the van onstage.
Roku: Oh, dear God - It’s Another Story!!!
Meanwhile, out in the audience, Ryuen and Purple Mouse have their jaws hanging
open in shock. Ryuen is the first to regain control, shutting her mouth with an
audible click.
Ryuen: Errrrrrrr, Mouse-chan... does something about this seem, uh,
Iunno, a little familiar to you?
Purple Mouse: Ehehehehehehe. Ummmmm, maybe just a leeetle bit...
Ehehe.
Ryuen: (confused) Did Roku-chan tell you that she was going to
incorporate parts of your fic into “White Stones?”
Purple Mouse: Not that I remember. (kindly) Of course, I may have
missed that e-mail...
Ryuen: (shaking her head) Doesn’t seem right, somehow. (pales) Not
that I mean that Roku plagiarized you or anything!! I just meant that this
doesn’t seem to fit into the “White Stones” timeline!
Purple Mouse: No! No, of course you didn’t mean that! She would
never do anything like that... (turns a worried glance towards Ryuen) ...would
she?
Ryuen: (frowning) There’s got to be some logical explanation for
this. (sighs) I guess we just have to wait and see, huh?
The two young women turn their eyes to the stage. Not much is happening at the
moment - but suddenly, the van engine is turned off, and there is an audible
click as the doors unlock.
Miaka and six of her seven seishi pile out, all dressed in modern day
"college casual" - Tasuki's version invoking images of Pigpen from
"Charlie Brown." They mill around confused for a moment - especially
Tamahome, who had been counting money in his dressing room and trying not to
think of what was happening to Chichiri.
Tamahome: What? Where are we?
Miaka: Did the play change?
Mitsukake: (bemused) It's getting harder and harder to keep track
of my lines - since either the cast or the play keeps changing!
Nuriko: (looking down at his gray sweatshirt and baggy pants) Hey,
I know this!! (grins and links his arm through Hotohori's) This is
"Another Story!"
Chiriko: (now appearing to be around sixteen years old)
"Another Story?"
Nuriko: (giggling happily) Yes! By Mouse-chan - one of my girls!!
(grins and waves at Purple Mouse in the audience)
Purple Mouse waves back enthusiastically.
Purple Mouse, Nuriko: Ehehehehehehehehehe!!!
Tasuki has been pulling disgustedly at his torn, dirty jeans and filthy
t-shirt, but looks up at Nuriko's happy shriek. He stomps up to the downstage
apron and glares at Purple Mouse and Ryuen, waving a hand angrily at his
clothes.
Tasuki: Just look at this shit!! What the fuck ever made you think
that I would choose to wear crap like this? Was I such a scumball in the
ShiJinTenChiSho that you think I would dress like this as a college
student in the new millennium?!
Purple Mouse: Ehehehehehe. Errrrrrr...
Tasuki: Give me a fuckin’ break! Ain’t nobody dressed better than
me in the fuckin’ book, not even His Highness, the Prince of Fuckin’ Ducky
Shoes!!
Hotohori: (frowning) Now listen...
Tasuki: No, you listen!! I don’t see you wearin’ curly-toed ducky
shoes around campus. Oh, noooooooooo - you’re in cool designer suits, bein’ all
fuckin’ styyyyy-lish! But me - I’m lucky if Mouse lets me attend to
basic personal hygiene!!
Tamahome: (smirking at Mouse-chan) I think you offended his “thenth
of fath-ion!”
Tasuki: (really pissed off) Fuck you, Obake-chan!
Purple Mouse: (trying to be diplomatic) Well, you see, I kinda see you as
being a rebel, Tasuki. So Genrou defies the system by wearing, ya know...
grungy clothes.
Tasuki: (crossing his arms) I got news for you, Mouse... Grunge is
OUT! So not only am I filthy - I’m unfashionably filthy!! And speaking
of filth - how come I’m the only one who never gets to take a shower?! (does a
passable imitation of Inu-Yasha’s “bitchy” tone) Ohhhhhh, we put Ryuuen in the
shower for fuckin’ hours... and then it’s Sai’s turn to condition
his hair... and we even give fuckin’ Nakago a full hour to clean
himself up!! But do I get even a five-minute rendevous with soap and water? -
Noooooooooo! Lemme tell ya somethin’ - if I were really that unhygienic, I
wouldn’t be allowed in the fuckin’ VAN, brother seishi or not!! They’d be
hauling my ass in a damn U-haul behind the van!!
Tamahome: (enjoying this hugely) Tell you what, Tasuki - I’ll talk
Mouse into letting you into the shower with Nakago. That way, you’ll get a
full-hour shower, too! Just make sure that you don’t drop the soap!!
Tasuki: (enraged) Fuck YOU!!!
Tamahome: (grinning) Well, actually...
Roku jumps in, seeing the night’s biggest brawl about to commence.
Roku: Tasuki, hic!, you did get to brush your teeth with
Miaka just recently in “Yet Another Story.” Hic! (smiles) I love that scene -
the seishi and miko brushing teeth together... hic! It’s so cute!
Tasuki is not mollified.
Tasuki: (still pissed) That’s the one thing I don’t need to clean -
my TEETH - since I never use ‘em!! I just swallow all my food fuckin’ WHOLE!!
Purple Mouse: (sinking down in her seat) Um, err... ehehehehe.
Tasuki: Yeah, like a fuckin’ pig! Or a snake! Maybe a
pig-snake!! (continuing to rant) And it’s no wonder that I don’t wanna taste
the stuff, since it’s the worst cheap-shit junk food in the world! And
filled with so many preservatives that I’m gonna live to be fuckin’ FIVE
HUNDRED years old - if I don’t choke to death first!!
Seeing Purple Mouse sink even lower in her seat, Ryuen (with one “u”) jumps in
to defend her friend.
Ryuen: Now reeeeeaaally, Tasuki - be fair to Mouse-chan. She does
give you most of the best lines in both her stories... (nods twice)
She has succeeded in diverting Tasuki’s attention to herself.
Tasuki: (suddenly dangerously quiet) Oh, and you, Ryuen... All
those wunnnnnn-erful stories about Nuriko and Hotohori, being all heroic
and dramatic and sympathetic, and now, even a Chichiri-centered
story... Well, you finally decided to turn your talents to a story that’s
centered on me. (gets quieter) But I’m not even gonna talk about (suddenly
shouting) WHAT’S HAPPENED TO ME IN THAT STORY!!! (panting, trying to get
himself back under control) No, I can’t even bring myself to say it - except to
say that I’m so goddam flattered that you devoted an entire chapter
to describing my close encounter with a CHAMBER POT!!
Ryuen: (joining Purple Mouse in sinking down in her seat)
Eheheheheh.
Tasuki whirls around at the sound of a muffled giggle behind him. Roku tries
unsuccessfully to look innocent.
Roku: cough* Hic! cough* (gasping) Sorry, Tasuki , hic! - it’s just
my hiccups, hic! acting up... cough*
Tasuki narrows his eyes at her suspiciously - and Roku loses it.
Roku: Bwahahahahaha-HIC!! (wailing) I can’t help it - I just love
that story, hic!! It’s a scream!!!
Tasuki: (glaring at her) Traitor!!
Roku: (defensively) Well, at least I dress you in nice clean guy
clothes -hic- in my stories… oops! (grins guiltily and apologetically at Mouse
and Ryuen, upon whom Tasuki's wrath is redirected)
Tasuki: (snarling) Yeah, that's right! If you two don't have me
wallowing in filth - ya got me flouncing around in goddamned BALL GOWNS!! What
the FUCK??!! I ain't no fuckin' Cinderella here - I don't have to dress
in either rags or sequined gowns!!! There's a whole spectrum of nice, clean,
MALE clothes that I could be wearin' in your stories - but you two don't seem
ta get the fact that I ain't the okama here!!! Why don't you put Nuriko
in those fuckin' dresses - he'd enjoy it!!
Purple Mouse: Ehehehehe. Ummmm, that's the point, Tasuki. You HATE
being in drag - that's what makes it so funny. (wilts under his glare) Funny,
like in comedy, you know?… eheheheheh.
Tasuki: (glaring) Comedy?! (pulls out the tessen) How funny would
it be if I let out a humorous stream of fire in your direction, eh?!
At this point, Nuriko intervenes, striding up and plucking the tessen from
Tasuki’s grip with a quick twist of his wrist.
Tasuki: Ouch! Fuck!
Nuriko: Now, you know I’m not going to allow you to do anything to
my girls, Gen-chan, so you may as well lighten up!
Tasuki: Easy for you to say, sissy boy! They ain’t humiliating you
in their stories!
Nuriko: Ahhhh, you’re just being over-sensitive. And you’ve got to
admit - Mouse-chan did give you the best singing voice out of us all.
Tasuki: (finally appeased) Yeah, there is that, I guess...
They are startled by a roar of yet another engine. A dune buggy skids onto the
stage, pulling up next to the van. Four two-dimensional figures slouch out of
the buggy towards the downstage apron - then suddenly leap off the stage and
disappear. Moments later, the orchestra pit floor rises up into view, along
with the animated musical act of Murdoc, Noodle, 2D and Russel. They begin
driving out the funky/whimsical beat of 19-2000. A hand mike suddenly appears
in Tasuki’s fist. Taking his cue, he begins singing the lyrics, with Tamahome,
Mitsukake, and Hotohori providing the back-up "Dayyyyy doo-doo-doo bop!”
Tasuki: The world is spinnin' too fast
I'm buyin' lead Nike shoes
To keep myself tethered
To the days I try to lose
Tamahome, Mitsukake, Hotohori: (in the background) Dayyyyyy doo-doo-doo
Bop!!
Tasuki: My mama said to slow down
You must make your own shoes
Start dancin' to the music
Of Gorillaz in a happy mood
Tamahome, Mitsukake, Hotohori: (grooving) Dayyyyyy doo-doo-doo
Bop!!
Nuriko, Miaka and Chiriko chime in on the chorus.
Miaka:
There you go!
Nuriko, Miaka,
Chiriko: Get the cool!
Get the cool shoeshine!
Get the cool!
Get the cool shoeshine!....
As the seishi and miko continue singing, the Director stares at the scene, her
eyes wide.
Roku: (completely bemused) Hic. Hic.
Kryssa'a voice comes over the radio headset. She is back to consciousness - and
thoroughly pleased with herself after the earlier Chichiri kiss.
Kryssa: You’ve got some weeeeeiird subconscious issues here,
girl!
Roku: (defensively) Not my idea, hic! - you can blame Mouse-chan
for this one! (grimaces in embarrassment) Of course, that’s because -hic- I’m
ripping her off.... eheheheHIC!!
Meanwhile, the surprisingly adaptable audience is grooving along to the music -
including the “ripped-off” author and her spiritual sister.
Ryuen: See, Mouse-chan? It is ‘Get the cool
shoeshine,’ not ‘Got the cool shoeshine!’
Purple Mouse: (bopping in her seat) Yeah, I guess... eheheheheheheh.
Back a few rows, Sagara Sanosuke is waving a bottle of sake in time to the
music.
Sano: Yeah, I always wanted to see this scene live!! (frowns
foggily) But what’s the name of this play again? - More Stones in the Story?
Another Story in the Moonlight? (takes another swig) Ahhhhhh, as long as the
music’s good, who cares?
Tasuki has pushed through the “back-up” singers and started the second verse.
Tasuki: There's a monkey in the jungle
Watchin' a vapour trail
Caught up in the conflict
Between his brain and his tail
Tamahome, Mitsukake, Hotohori: Oh, yeah! Dayyyyyy doo-doo-doo Bop!!
Tasuki: And if time's elimination
Then we got nothin' to lose
Please repeat the message
It's the music that we choose
Roku: (starry-eyed) I just love his singing voice, hic! -
that slightly raspy edge is just sooooooo -hic- sexy!
Kryssa: (over the radio headset) Oh, just admit it, Roku! You’d
find him sexy if he was standing on his head reciting the Gettysburg address!
Roku: (eyes widening in panic) No! No, don’t put any images like
that in my head right now, hic! He’ll kiiiilllllllll me!! Hic!
Nuriko comes back in with Miaka and Chiriko.
Nuriko: Okayyy, break it down, y'all! We comin' back out!
Nuriko, Miaka, Chiriko: Get the cool!
Get the cool shoeshine!
Get the cool!
Get the cool shoeshine!....
Kryssa: (evilly) Oh, ho, ho! So the All-Powerful Director is susceptible
to suggestion now, is she? Lemme see, what would be the best revenge on you for
playing with my Chichiri?
Roku: (panic-stricken, pulling at her headset which is tangled in
her hair) La la la, hic!... I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you...
Kryssa: (loudly) Now what would be my heart’s desire...?
Roku: (squeezing her eyes shut) Heart’s desire - no! Hic!! No, not Heart’s
Desire!!
At that moment, Aikido-chan walks into view, checking out the onstage
pandemonium. She taps on the Director’s shoulder.
Aikido: What’s all this about Heart’s Desire?
The Director stares at her blankly - then feels the hiccups intensifying.
Roku: Hic!! No!! Hic!! Oh, God!! Hic!!
There is suddenly a roar of outrage onstage from a deep masculine voice. There
are screams from the audience - many of delight as well as shock. At the same
time, there is a scream in Roku’s headphones.
Kaze-chan: No!! I can’t look!! What have you done to my Nii-chan, you
wench?!
At that moment, a very tall, totally unclothed man rushes offstage in a panic.
He runs straight into Aikido-chan, knocking her down and falling on top of her.
Aikido: (dazed, looking up into Mitsukake’s face) This is a dream, right?
Mitsukake: (red with embarrassment, but unable to stop being a doctor) I’m
sorry!! Did I hurt you?!
He starts to move off her, anxious to make sure she’s okay.
Aikido: (gasping) Wait! Don’t move!!
Mitsukake: (freezing in place) Oh, no! You are injured,
aren’t you?
Aikido: No! (smiles loopily) I just decided that this IS a dream,
so it’s okay to do this! (glomps him)
Roku: Oh, God, hic! Aikido-chan’s Heart’s Desire! A naked -hic-
Mitsukake!
She runs to the backstage screen and finds someone’s discarded robe, then runs
back and throws it over Mitsukake. He carefully detaches himself from
Aikido-chan’s grip and pulls on the robe - which is, of course, somewhat too
small for him. Aikido-chan is still staring at the ceiling in a dazed, bemused
fashion.
Mitsukake: I’m afraid that she may have hit her head on the floor. A
slight concussion would explain her (blushes) strange behavior. I’m going to
take her back to my room and examine her to make sure she’s all right.
Roku: (under her breath) Heart’s desire, indeed... hic! (helps him
to pull Aikido-chan to her feet)
Mitsukake pulls Aikido-chan’s arm across his shoulder, supporting her. He
frowns at Roku-chan.
Mitsukake: I’m afraid that you and I will have to have a talk
later, Roku-chan, about exactly what role I play in your subconscious... and
why you see me unclothed. I truly hope to avert what may be the beginning of an
unhealthy obsession with a man who is already in a committed relationship...
Roku: (flushing) No, hic! You’ve got it wrong! I have no
desire -hic- to see you naked. (suddenly realizes that her words may be taken
as an insult) I mean, no more than I want to see any of you seishi
naked! (musing) Which is all of you guys, of course - except for
Chiriko! I ain't -hic- into that! But, no, I'm not interested in your body in particular…
(reconsiders her words and realizes that she is digging herself into a deep
hole) Ummmm, I mean - not that there’s anything wrong with the way you
look naked, hic! In fact, you look very fine - very, um, hot!
Mitsukake raises his eyebrows and begins backing away from her slowly.
Mitsukake: (in a very reasonable, “clinical” tone) Like I said... we’ll
talk later. Right now, I have to look after Aikido-chan. (turns around, gently
leading Aikido-chan away)
Roku: (grasping her head in frustration)
Gaaahhhhhhhhh!!!
She looks up and sees Aikido-chan’s eyes suddenly clear as she is “carried
off.” She meets Roku’s gaze - and gives her a wink.
Roku: (grumbling) At least somebody’s happy here! Hic!
Kryssa: (over the radio headset, gleefully) Re-re-re-re-venge!!!
Oh, it’s just as sweet as they say!! Unhealthy obsession with Mits! Hah!!
Roku: (darkly) Just remember, wench - two can play at -hic- revenge!!
Hic!!
She is interrupted by the sound of applause. 19-2000 has just ended, and the
Gorillaz have gotten back into their dune buggy.
Murdoc: Fuckin’ freak gig...
Noodle: Noodle!!
They roar off upstage - then disappear into thin air. The seishi and miko pile
back into the mauve van, roar off towards the wings - and also disappear. At
this point, Chichiri suddenly runs onstage, having finally escaped from
Chichiri's Girl. He is clad in modern clothes - including, shockingly, a bright
purple shirt that clashes badly with his silvery blue hair.
Chichiri: (slamming his shakujou on the stage in frustration)
Damn!! This is the third time I missed the road trip in the van!!
He catches sight of his strange wardrobe at last. He startles, then strides
downstage.
Chichiri: (glaring at Mouse-chan) Purple??!!
Purple Mouse: (sinking down in her seat again) Ehehehehe...
***********************************************************************************************
Part E. … but then go right back to infuriating them again…
The Director calls in to the tech booth.
Roku: Kris, hic. May as well lower the curtain until I find out where my
cast -hic- disappeared to. We’ve got to set up for “Flight,” anyway.
There is a sudden sharp explosion next to her ear, and she jumps, letting out a
shriek. She whirls around - and encounters the smirking countenance of her
little sister.
Chichiri’s Girl: (triumphantly brandishing a paper bag blown out at the
seams) No need to thank me - just send money!
Roku: (grabbing her by the throat) Thank you for what?! Giving me a
goddam heart-attack?!!
Chichiri’s Girl: Nope! For getting rid of your hiccups. Age-old remedy,
ya know.
Roku: (eyes widening) Hey, I think it worked! The hiccups are gone!
(sighs) For the moment, anyway... (frowns at her chipper little sister) What
are you so happy about, anyway?
Chichiri’s Girl: (grinning) Oh, let’s just say that this is turning out
to be a very satisfying evening!
Tasuki and company re-enter the backstage area in their original White Stones
outfits, shaking their heads and yawning to get their ears to pop. Nuriko is
still humming the tune of 19-2000 happily.
Nuriko: (still in his exuberant Another Story persona) Hey, that
was major fun, guys! Especially with the Gorillaz playing back-up for us!
Tasuki: (in a low voice to Nuriko) Still, ya gotta wonder about
Roku-chan and the shit that goes on in her mind. I mean, think about it - a
grown woman who fills her subconscious with two-dimensional cartoon characters.
Kinda pathetic in a way…
Nuriko: (shuddering) I didn't think about it that way! You know, it
is kinda weird…
Roku: (standing right behind them, glaring) Well, if you good
friends are thinking about sending me for some serious psychiatric
intervention, you're gonna have to wait in line behind Mitsukake. In fact, I
think he's dialing up an appointment for me even as we speak.
Tasuki: That's right! I forgot about what you did to him! (in a
concerned voice) You know, Roku, it's not healthy to be obsessed with a man
who's in a committed relationship…
Roku: (aggravated) Oh, shut up!! (stomps off)
Sorceress catches up to her.
Sorceress: Why don’t you take five, Roku? You already checked the wires
for “Flight” earlier - I’ll just recheck them and get the cast ready, then let
you know when it’s time to go.
Roku: (grateful) Thanks, girlfriend - you’re a godsend!
She walks over to the greenroom couch and flings herself down for a nice
self-indulgent pout session. An equally sullen figure flings himself down next
to her. She peeks sideways at her partner-in-sulk.
Roku: (softly) Hey, ‘Chiri... how did everything go?
Chichiri: (glum) Don’t ask!
Roku-chan leans forward and touches his swollen lips lightly.
Roku: (concerned) Looks like you got hurt in Tama’s scheme. Poor
baby - tell me all about it.
Chichiri: (still pouting) Don’t want to. (glancing back at her) Remember
what I said about you owing me?
Roku nods.
Chichiri: (sighing) Well, whatever you’ve got, it’s not enough. Nothing
is enough for what I went through!
Roku: (suddenly grinning) Don’t underestimate me, sweetheart. I
think I may have exactly what you need!
Chichiri: (interested in spite of himself) Oh, yes? What are you
talking about?
Roku: (humming) Oh, just a little TLC - a little sugar, a
little spice... LOTS of everything nice!
Chichiri: (sitting up and straightening his kesa) All right, I’m
game. Time to pay up, Madam Director.
Roku: Okay, I’ll meet you behind Tasuki’s screen in two minutes.
But I need you to bring some stuff. (whispers in his ear)
His eyebrows go up and his eye widens.
Chichiri: (hesitantly) Yes, I think I could conjure that up. But
what...?
Roku: (interrupting) Just be there with bells on, and you’ll soon
find out!
She ducks behind Tasuki’s screen, grinning to herself. True to his word,
Chichiri follows her two minutes later, bearing a brown paper bag. From behind
the screen, their voices can be heard.
Roku: Oh, good, you brought all the stuff! (takes a deep breath)
And is this for me?!
Chichiri: Yes, ma’am. Only for you.
Roku: (gleeful) It’s perfect! (sighs happily) It’s hard. I love it
hard!
Chichiri: (dryly) What a surprise...
Roku: Oh, you are a wicked, wicked man!!
There is the sound of the bag crackling, a few muttered apologies as they
jostle for elbow room behind the screen - and then, a short period of silence.
Roku: Okay - we’re ready, I think. Now just relax, close your
eyes... and try this!
A moment of silence, then a gasp from Chichiri.
Chichiri: It’s... wonderful!! I can’t believe it!!
Roku: (purring) Told you I would make it all better.
Chichiri: (groaning softly) They said you were the best....
Roku: And they were right!!
At this point, Kryssa storms backstage in a rage.
Kryssa: Where is that wench?!! Obviously, she forgot to remove her
headphones!! I’m gonna kiiiiillllllll her!!!
Chichiri’s Girl wanders up to her side.
Chichiri’s Girl: What’s up, Kris?
Kryssa: (fumimg) That wench of a sister of yours is playing with our
magician again!! (points at Tasuki’s screen) Back there!!
Chichiri’s Girl: (also pissed) Why didn’t you go back there and put
a stop to it?!
Kryssa: (blushing) I couldn’t...!! I’m afraid to see...!!
Chichiri’s Girl: Well, I’m not!!
She stomps up to the screen and pulls it aside. Chichiri and Roku look up
startled from the floor - where they are seated cross-legged, a large dish of
ice cream between them. Various toppings and a banana peel lay beside them.
Roku: (frowning) What’s the matter? Is it time to start the next
scene already?
Chichiri’s Girl: Just what exactly are the two of you doing back here?!
Chichiri: (confused) Sharing a banana split. (smiles at Roku) I heard
that your sister was the best at making them...
Kryssa: (stammering) So what was all that talk about... (stops and
blushes) ummm, “it” being... ummm, (whispers) hard?
Roku: (eyes widening at she stares at Kris) My, that’s some mind you’ve
got there, young lady!! (indicates the banana peel) We were talking about the
banana - I like them a little underripe instead of soft and mushy...
Kryssa retreats, thoroughly embarrassed - but Chichiri’s Girl is not as easily
cowed.
Chichiri’s Girl: So if all you two were doing was eating ice cream, why did you
need to go behind Tasuki’s screen?!
Roku: Because we didn’t have enough for everybody. You know what
Mom taught us, CG - it’s not nice to eat in front of everybody if you don’t
have enough to go around...
Chichiri’s Girl: (finally blushing) Oh!!
Roku: (kindly) But here - you two can have my portion if you want
it. (mumbling to herself) It’s not like I need the calories...
Chichiri: No, they can take mine. I insist!
Kryssa: (completely scarlet) No - no thanks. We’ll just leave now.
(grabs CG’s arm and begins walking away rapidly)
Roku: (calling after them) Are you suuuuure that you don’t
want any?
Kryssa, Chichiri’s Girl: (in the distance) Quite sure, quite
sure...
Roku turns to Chichiri - then breaks into a grin.
Roku: Good - I’m glad they left!! (smirks) ‘Cause I don’t feel like
sharing!! (smiles at Chichiri - then winks)
**************************************************************************************
**************************************************************************************
Dialogue credits:
“Destiny, Destiny! There’s no escaping Destiny!” From the movie
“Young Frankenstein,” 1974, screenwriter: Gene Wilder
Oh, and the lyrics for 19-2000 - I obtained most of them from the Gorillaz.com
website - but I also listened closely to the tune (about twenty times) and did
some adjustments according to what I heard. See - Roku, the research nut. No
matter how trivial the subject, I am compulsively driven to get it right!! So
if you disagree with any of the lyrics to 19-2000, blame me, not Gorillaz.com!
Author’s notes: (11-6-02)) (grooving) Get the cool... get the cool
shoeshine! Get the cool... get the cool shoeshine!! Yeah, baby, whoo! Thanks to
Mouse-chan, who turned on this somewhat, ahem, over-college-aged person to the
wonder of the Gorillaz!! And so, to pay her back - I rewarded her with a bout
of rampant plagiarism - all the fault of Shin, of course!! I am completely
innocent in all this, I swear it!! Of course, I had to abuse Ryuen, too - and
then have some fun with the Chichiri fangirls! See - I do have a death wish!!
Has it really been two months since I last updated “Casting Stones”?!!
Gahhhhhhh, time flies!! Hopefully, I’m back on track, with new chapters of
“Bridge” and “CS” on alternating weeks. But listen - I’m approaching the time
when I must begin posting chapters of “Hidden Paths on a Cloud-Cast
Night,” the “White Stones” sequel. Since this is a more serious story,
and “Bridge” is very serious, “Casting Stones” will also become more serious by
association. So no more giddy fun....
Psych!!!
You couldn’t possibly have believed that!! Yes, if you can picture it,
things are just going to go further down the road of insanity, skating
dangerously close to “We must have this author locked away and treated with
therapeutic electrotherapy!” After all, I need to blow off steam
somewhere!!
I have just one warning for you - beware of dangerous akugis ahead!!
Ja ne!!
Roku-chan
***********************************************************************************************
Okay, the author's notes are done. I have now included an akugi - but I am
setting up a warning to Chichiri fangirls, Tasuki fangirls, and Anyone Who
Values Good Taste - DO NOT GO HERE!!!
Okay, I'm still warnin' ya - you're not gonna like this one bit!! SCROLL NO
FURTHER!!!
Last Chance to Bail Out Now!!! Exceedingly Bad Taste Scenario Ahead!!!
I give up!!! Just remember - I warned ya!!!
Part F. …and finish by provoking them into a murderous frenzy!!
Akugi: Set in no particular time point in the staging of
"Casting Stones"… since this is an akugi, it doesn't really happen,
right? Here we go…
Roku and Chichiri watch the figures of Kryssa and Chichiri's Girl retreat
into the distance, Roku still holding the rapidly melting banana split.
Roku: Are they gone? - I mean, totally out of here?
Chichiri: (squinting as he sends out his ki to check) Yes, they've
really left.
Roku: (exuberant) Great!!! (smirking) That thick-headed wench of a
sister of mine forgot that I don't like ice cream!! (laughs triumphantly as
Chichiri pulls her behind the screen again.)
Chichiri: (behind the screen) Here, let me get rid of that for you.
Roku: (behind the screen) Mmmmmmmm, wait - don't toss out the
whipped cream. I think we can use that…
Chichiri: You are a very naughty girl, no da!
Roku: (laughing again) You know you love it!
Suddenly, there is the sound of someone whistling, and Tasuki strolls into
view. Roku pops her head out from behind the screen.
Tasuki: (startled) What the hell are you doin' back there?
Roku: (grinning) Wouldn't you like to know?! (turns back to the
screen) 'Chiri, sweetheart, would you mind if Tasuki joined us?
Chichiri: (behind the screen) I guess not - after all, he's a
brother seishi, isn't he?
Tasuki: (skips over to the screen) Great! I owe ya one, buddy!
(disappears behind the screen)
There is a hiss of aerosol accompanied by a wet, “foamy” sound, and Roku
giggles again.
Roku: Here, guys, try this - it's chocolate!
Tasuki: (suspicious) Chocolate whipped cream?
Roku: Come onnn - it's good. Not too sweet…
Chichiri: Here, I'll try some - after all, faint heart ne'er won
fair maiden…
Roku: Oooh, keep it up with the compliments, and you're gonna win a
hell of a lot more than just 'fair maiden'!
Tasuki: All right then, I'll try it, too!
Roku: Hey, watch the fingers! Those fangs are sharp!!
Silence for a moment.
Tasuki: Wow, that's really good!
Chichiri: Daaaa, no da!
Roku: (purring) Have I ever told you that I find men who like
chocolate to be almost unbearably sexy?
Guys: More chocolate, more chocolate!!
At this point, Aikido-chan stomps into view and starts shouting at the screen.
Aikido: For the record, I'd like you to know that this whole thing
strains credulity and the bounds of good taste!!
Three heads pop out from behind the screen.
Aikido: I mean, occasionally kissing Chichiri is okay - but getting
it on with Tasuki is just too much! This is a completely cheesy Mary-Sue
scenario!! (stomps off)
Roku: (bursting into tears) I did it again! I exceeded the
bounds of good taste again!!
Tasuki: (angrily shouting after Aikido-chan) Maybe you'd be happier
if you removed that yardstick once in a while!!… Ouch!
Chichiri: (waving his shakujou) Hush! Behave, Tasuki!
Tasuki: (scowling) Well, she made Roku cry! (in an undertone) Not
to mention, totally destroyed the mood…
Roku: (sniffling) No, it's all right, guys. It's just
that…(wailing) I intended this to be believable! And I always
strive to be in good taste!!!
Tasuki: (still fuming) Why is getting it on with Chichiri okay, but
with me, it's bad taste?!
Roku: No, no, no, she didn't mean it that way. It's that with
Chichiri, it's a funny joke, but when I'm serious with you, it's bad
taste.
Tasuki: (even more pissed) So seriously getting it on with
me is in even worse taste?!
Roku: Yeah, that's it, sorta… (bursts into tears again) But my
life's ambition has always been to exhibit Good Taste, to wear Cool Clothes,
and to project a Sense of Dignity!!!
Chichiri: (trying to be kind) Ummm, errrrr, Roku-chan, perhaps you should think
about setting your sights a bit lower in this lifetime - perhaps to something a
little more attainable, no da…
Tasuki: Yeah, like being an All-Star Player in the NBA!!
Roku: Waaahhhhhhhhhh!!!
Chichiri: Tasuki, you're not helping here, no da! (to Roku, gently)
Anyway, I don't remember you saying that your life's ambition was to be Cool
and Dignified. I thought your life philosophy was that Girls Just Wanna Have
Fun!
Roku: (perking up) You're right, 'Chiri!! That is my
philosophy!! (smirking again) Okay, where were we? Who's got the whipped
cream?!
The three disappear behind the screen again. There is another hiss of aerosol
accompanied by a wet, foamy sound.
Tasuki: (whoops in alarm) Watch it there!! That stuff packs a
punch!!
Chichiri: Daaaa, no da!!
Roku: Whooooooo-hoooooooooo!!!
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Additional Author's Note: All death threats may be directed to me
on my review page!! ^__________^