Disclaimer: The characters from Fushigi Yuugi are the creations and property of Yuu Watase and related enterprises. The characters from Inu-Yasha are the creations and property of Rumiko Takahashi and related enterprises. The characters from Rurouni Kenshin are the creations and property of Watsuki Nobuhiro and related enterprises. I do not own them and do not make any profit from this fiction except for my own enjoyment in spending time with them.

On the other hand, the original characters Mom and Dad are my original creations and they belong to me, as do other assorted family members. So do the original plotline and plot devices. As for the reviewers and fanfic authors in this fic - they belong to themselves! But I get to "borrow" them for the duration of this fic.

Musical selections: "Some Enchanted Evening" from the musical "South Pacific," music by Richard Rodgers, lyrics by Oscar Hammerstein II, 1949.

"Cursum Perficio" by Enya from her CD "Watermark," Reprise Records, 1989.

Theme from "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" by Ennio Morricone, 1966.

Warnings: Extreme abuse of fanfic author Kaze-chan by flagrant use of Mary-Sue-ism;  depiction of some of the unpleasant consequences of ethanol misuse; adult references to swinging basket chairs; and excessive violence and heavy weaponry in the hands of normally religious role models. :P
 

 
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Chapter 13.    Confrontational Behavior

 

Part A.    Twin dilemma

 

In the quiet backstage area, two blondish-brown heads of hair appear from behind a pile of props, where their owners have been skulking since the last chapter. Suboshi and Amiboshi release a breath of relief, believing themselves to be alone…and fail to notice faint signs of activity to their left. Tasuki's dressing screen stands at offstage left, vibrating every so often with the movements of those concealed behind it. Finally, voices issue from behind its panels.

 

Sorceress' voice: All right! I don't usually go around patting myself on the back, but I have to say that this is a masterful job! Here, Roku, take a look!

Roku's voice: (sullen) I don' wanna.

Sorceress's voice: Oh, stop being such a baby. I'm telling you that you're totally convincing--you look exactly like Taiitsukun!

Roku's voice: Explain which part of that statement is supposed to make me feel better?!

Sorceress' voice: Come onnnnnnn…you're starting to hurt my feelings.

Roku's voice: Hey, don't think that these maternal guilt trips are gonna work on me. Oh, all right! Hand me the mirror.

 

There is a moment of silence, and then…

 

Roku's voice: GYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Sorceress' voice: (pleased) See? I told you I did a good job! Now get out there and check over the set so that "Confrontation" can start.

Roku's voice: (trembling) I'm not goin' out there. No way. I quit right now.

Sorceress: No, you can't. I'm stand-in director while you're being lead actress, so I'm telling you to get out there NOW!

 

There is a sound of a shove, and Roku comes catapulting into sight. At least, we assume that it's Roku. Her long brown hair has been sprayed white and tied up around her head in Taiitsukun's characteristic rolls and loops. She wears filmy layers of satin robes above which hover four long trailing ribbons attached to guide wires, currently tangled up with her rolled-up cargo pants. Sorceress has done her best work yet on Roku's makeup, and suffice it to say:

 

Roku: (coming face-to-face with the twins) Yipe!

Suboshi, Amiboshi: (screaming) Sunakake-babaaaaaaa!

 

Yes, Roku makes a convincing Taiitsukun, a fact that fails to please her. She leaps forward and grabs the fleeing twins.

 

Roku: (snarling) Okay, you little shits, explain what you're doing backstage! Did Nakago send you here to cause trouble?

Amiboshi: Oh, almighty Taiitsukun, we swear that we mean no harm!

Suboshi: (averting his eyes) Great Oracle, we were merely escaping from our brother warriors for a while…but we'll go right back if you want us to!

Roku: (exasperated) Listen, dipfucks, I ain't Taiitsukun! (Her eyes narrow as she pushes her frightening features close to theirs.) I'm something much, much worse--the Director of this play and your worst nightmare!

 

The twins whimper and huddle together in terror. Roku shakes them by their collars.

 

Roku: So you two sit tight until I figure out what to do with you.

 

At that moment, Kaze-chan and Kryssa enter the wings from the onstage area. They're somewhat damp from working with the fountains but appear triumphant.

 

Kryssa: Hey, Roku, we heard your voice back here, and we want you to see what we've done with the sets!

Kaze-chan: Plus I've rigged the wires, and I want to test them out on you before we start the scene…

 

Both girls stop in shock at the sight of the apparition terrorizing the twins. There is another second of silence before…

 

Kaze-chan, Kryssa: (pointing at Roku) Bwaaaaaa-hahahahahahahaaaaaa!

Roku: (pissed) Shut up! This wasn't my idea, remember?

Kryssa: (struggling to regain control) But it was a brilliant idea, Roku! You look…you look…

Kaze-chan: Bee-yoo-ti-fuuuuuul!

 

The girls go off on another laughing jag. The twins relax slightly, realizing that it's not an all-powerful deity detaining them but rather a very pissed-off human.

 

Amiboshi: (hesitantly) Well, since we seem to be in the way around here, we'll just be going…

Roku: (barking) Stop right there!

 

The twins freeze in place. Roku stalks up to her hysterical tech crew and grabs Kryssa by one arm.

 

Roku: Since you're having such fun back here, Kris, I think I'll live up to my promise from last chapter and keep you here! (evilly) I'm in desperate need of some Nyan-nyans, and I think that you'll fit the bill perfectly. You and your identical friends here.

 

Roku collars the twins once more, as Kris' laughter abruptly dies off.

 

Roku: (hollering) Sorceress! I need your talents right now!

 

Sorceress appears from behind Tasuki's screen, where she has been putting away her makeup kit.

 

Sorceress: You bellowed, Herr Director?

Roku: (silkily) Yessss. I have three young people who need their hair dyed blue. Don't forget their dresses, either.

Suboshi: (paling in horror) I have to wear a dress?!

Amiboshi: (under his breath) Actually, I don't mind that part…

Kryssa: Hey, wait a minute! Don't I get a say in this?

Roku: You already had a say, remember? I have it on record: you wanted more time out of the tech booth. Just to show you what a nice gal I am, I'm even giving you some time with Chichiri. Onstage, that is.

Kryssa: (muttering) Wench!

Suboshi: (being led off by Sorceress, sobbing) I told you that horrible things would happen if we came here, Aniki!

 

Roku turns back to Kaze-chan, who is still grinning unrepentantly.

 

Roku: (business-like) Okay, show me the sets, then you're going to have to get three more wires rigged. I want those three to be one behind the other so that they look like one person when they're lined up…but I need their wires on pulley systems so that the Nyans can separate and come back together.

Kaze-chan: (saluting briskly) Aye, aye, sir! I mean Ma'am! I mean…whatever it is you are!

 

She runs back towards the stage, snorting with laughter. Roku follows more slowly, tripping over her ribbons and glaring at Kaze's retreating form.

 

Roku: (softly) Yeah, laugh now, Kaze-chan…. I haven't forgotten about the strike. Just remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold…

 

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Part B.     The diuretic effects of serenity

 

The Confrontation chapter is finally underway, much to the relief of the audience, which has learned to dread the strange occurrences that happen during every delay. Chichiri stands in the downstage third of the stage, wrapped in a heavy hooded cloak, standing in a snowy white area representing the "disguised" summit of Mount Taikyoku. The backdrop hides the upstage two-thirds of the stage behind its convincingly three-dimensional scenery of mountain peaks receding into the distance, purpled by twilight. Above the backdrop, black netted material holds tiny twinkling lights shining at different intensity levels to suggest the depth of a starlit sky. Occasionally, streams of glittering snowflakes swirl around the lone figure as if blown by a mystical wind…which is exactly what is taking place. Chichiri's multi-tasking ability enables him to act and perform simple special effects at the same time.

Kaze-chan, back in the tech booth running both lights and music while Kryssa tries out her thespian abilities, shines dim blue beams down upon the magician's shivering form. She increases the volume on the sound effect of the wind whistling desolately around the mountaintop. Chichiri moves stiffly, as if his limbs are nearly frozen, his body occasionally seized by a sharp shudder. His actions make the setting so realistic that many audience members shiver in sympathy with him.

He blows on his hands, then lifts the shakujou to eye level, peering through its ornate head towards the artificial stars. He flips the staff around and fits a finial onto its tip, then, lifting the staff high with both hands, he plunges the tip into a stage snowdrift. Almost immediately, the backdrop is obscured by a swirling vortex of black light.

Meanwhile, Roku stands at offstage left beside Sorceress, who is now Director for this scene, and Aikido-chan and Chichiri's Girl.

 

Roku: (gaping at the vortex) Damn, that's impressive! God, I'm glad that I got to see that!

Sorceress: Okay, time to direct! CG, Aikido, duck behind the vortex and pull the backdrop offstage. But be careful not to get too close, since we don't want to disrupt Chichiri's spell.

Chichiri's Girl: (grumbling) Not to mention having your two stage hands sucked into another dimension!

 

The girls do as ordered, swiftly pulling apart the backdrop. The vortex now conceals the garden set outside the Shrine of Seiryuu. The girls make a few adjustments to the shrine entrance and silk plants, then dart behind the stone walls of the Shrine.

Chichiri steps into the vortex, causing the audience to gasp as his form appears to stretch and swirl as it is caught up in the spinning portal. The howling wind sound cuts off at the exact moment that the vortex disappears…and Chichiri is seen once again whole and intact as he stands in a garden before the imposing stone entrance to the Temple of Seiryuu.

Kaze-chan has brought up the "summer sounds" emulating crickets and frogs chirping softly in the garden. Chichiri removes his hooded cloak and sets it aside, then steps up to the temple entrance…and the two techs, hidden behind the walls, pull the walls apart and move them into the wings, revealing the interior of the Temple of Seiryuu.

The audience gasps in admiration. The fountains are large and multi-tiered, reaching nearly to the stage catwalk. Clear sheets of water spill smoothly over each tier…and Kaze-chan's and Kryssa's skillful design has successfully hidden all of the water tubing, piping and drains beneath ridges or silk plants. Above the central fountain looms a giant gold statue of Seiryuu, his dragon form twisting sinuously above the water, his sapphire eyes glowing with electric light.

Chichiri advances upstage, deeper into the temple. He hesitantly approaches the statue of Seiryuu, reaching out a hand to touch the incense burner suspended before the dragon-god.

 

Chichiri: (softly) Cold…the ashes are cold.

 

He raises his fingers toward his face and sniffs gently. For some reason, he begins shifting his weight subtly from foot-to-foot.

 

Chichiri: No scent of ozone, either. No sign of communication between Taiitsukun and Seiryuu. Nevertheless, she might at least have apologized!

 

Seiryuu's eyes flash blue. Chichiri looks up and suddenly turns away, walking downstage quickly.

 

Roku: (softly) Too fast! Why is he rushing this scene?

Sorceress: I'm the Director now, remember? Try not to worry about stage stuff. You just get to the catwalk and put on your wires; it's almost time for your entrance.

Roku: (sarcastically) Yas'm. Right away, ma'am!

Sorceress: (poking her) And don't call me Ma'am!

 

As Chichiri walks downstage, Kaze-chan drops sucessive curtains behind him, backdrops painted with garden scenes. Meanwhile, Aikido-chan and Chichiri's Girl move and shift the Shrine of Seiryuu set, wheeling away Seiryuu's statue and replacing it with a raised dais. They swiftly disconnect most of the fountains and drop thick, draped curtains before them to hide them. Only one low serenity fountain remains, murmuring softly as water spills over its edges.

The girls push golden oil lamps onto the set and smaller statues of all four gods to flank the dais. Upon Sorceress' command, Kaze-chan changes the lighting from blues and greens to orange and gold. Thus, in less than two minutes, the Shrine of Seiryuu has been converted into the Taiitsukun's Shrine.

Chichiri turns and walks back upstage, the curtains rising before him until he stands in Taiitsukun's Shrine. Kaze-chan brings up the special effects soundtrack. A low, rumbling growl echoes through the Shrine. The audience shivers in anticipation.

The sound of the serenity fountain's musical trickle contrasts against the menacing growl. Suddenly, a giant shape oozes out from behind the dais. It's a giant silver panther, its fur rippling over heavily muscled shoulders and haunches. The audience gasps in fear and admiration.

Chichiri doesn't flinch away, although he appears somewhat nervous or at least uncomfortable, his shifting increasing in frequency.

Meanwhile, Roku crouches on the stage catwalk, gingerly testing the wires to make sure that they're holding her weight. Aikido-chan is beside her to help out, while Sorceress keeps a director's eye on the action from the stage wings. She calls in an order to Chichiri's Girl, which Roku picks up on her radio headset, which she has not yet surrendered to Aikido-chan.

 

Sorceress: Okay, CG, once Chichiri says, "Hello, Nyan," hit the switch to set off the smoke bombs, then lower Kryssa and the twins onto the set behind the smokescreen. Make sure that Kryssa is aligned with the boys so that she blocks the audience's view of the twins. I'll instruct you when to split them apart, okay?

Chichiri's Girl: Check!

Roku: (horrified, to Aikido-chan) I can't believe that Sorceress is using CG as the wire tech! Didn't she see what my sister did to Tasuki with the revolving stage?!

Aikido: Well, who else is there? Kaze-chan's working both lights and sound, and you've got Kryssa tied up as Nyan-nyan. (waves a hand towards Kryssa and the twins, who are crouched on the perpendicular leg of the catwalk ahead.)

Roku: (desperately) What about you?!

Aikido: No stage tech experience, remember?

Roku: (grumbling) At least you can tell your left from your right!

Aikido: Well, it's too late to change anything, because the next part is starting now.

 

Sure enough, the giant silver panther has split into multiple panthers, all growling and switching their tails as they surround Chichiri. The monk is definitely shifting his weight from foot-to-foot, and the illusions are shifting as well, at times rippling as if seen from underwater.

 

Roku: (hissing) What the hell is wrong with Chichiri? It's not like him to mess up his own illusions; he's more of a perfectionist than I am! And why won't he stand still?!

Aikido: (frowning at the shifting figure of the magician) Maybe he's just trying to appear nervous.

Roku: That's not the subtext for this scene. He's supposed to be calm, facing down the panthers--but he looks downright jittery!

 

Nevertheless, Chichiri continues with the scene, addressing the lead panther.

 

Chichiri: (sounding strained) Hello…Nyan.

 

Right on cue, the smoke bombs go off, and Kryssa and the twins are lowered to upstage center by their wires. The audience draws in a delighted breath at the mystical appearance of Nyan-nyan, blue-haired, floating, clad in a diaphanous dress.

 

Kryssa: (delighted squeal) Chichiri-sama!

Sorceress: Okay, CG, start cranking the pulleys and separate the Nyans.

 

Chichiri's Girl does as ordered--very hard and rapid, and the twins suddenly appear from behind Kryssa as if they just popped into existence.

 

Roku: (hissing in dismay) Too fast, too fast! Slow it down, CG!

 

Sorceress is barking out the same warning to Chichiri's Girl--but it's too late.

 

Amiboshi: (cheerily swinging outward) Chichiri-sama's back!

Suboshi: (sullenly swinging in the opposite direction) Chichiri-sama's here…(under his breath) Big effin deal…

Kryssa: (happily) Chichiri-sama frightened Nyan--OOF!

 

The two boys crash into Kryssa on the opposite trajectory, sending the Nyans spinning crazily together. The crowd gasps in dismay, while Chichiri runs a shaking hand through his hair, still anxiously shifting his feet.

 

Chichiri's Girl: Oops. Uhhhh...heheheheheh.

Sorceress: (cursing into her headset) Damn, damn, damn it! Move the pulleys apart, CG!

 

But the wires for the Nyans are hopelessly entangled, and Kryssa and the twins begin tipping over as CG activates the pulleys. The three Nyan-nyans start grabbing at one another for support, making the whole group into one struggling, twisting mess, as their dresses yield to the force of gravity.

 

Chichiri's Girl: (snickering) Hey, one of the twins is a tighty-whitey boy…but wait! Who's wearing the thong?!

Sorceress: (hissing into her headset) CG, quit fooling around and get them upright again! Turn the controls to the right!

Roku: Oh, shit, don't say that, Sorcie! Remember that CG can't tell her right from her…

 

But it's too late. Chichiri's Girl has cranked the pulley control to the left, and now the pulleys are pulling apart and snapping together repeatedly, causing the Nyans to spin and hit into one another.

 

Roku: (leaning over the catwalk, shouting) Abort, CG! Pull 'em up, pull 'em UP!

 

Chichiri's Girl leaps to obey the voice of command thundering down from above, and the tangled bundle of Nyan-nyans rises jerkily towards the ceiling. Roku and Aikido-chan lean anxiously out from the catwalk to pull the cursing, groaning trio to safety. Suboshi reaches out and gets a foothold on the catwalk, but his hand is jerked out of Aikido-chan's by the weight of the other two.

 

Suboshi: (snarling) Damnit, I can't carry you all by myself! You two have to help! Grab something!

 

Amiboshi and Kryssa obediently grasp frantically at anything on the catwalk. Roku leans out, desperately trying to catch Kryssa's hand…but Kryssa has the longer reach and grabs Roku's wires, pulling herself up onto the catwalk. She hooks her legs over the rails and drags at Amiboshi, who is also struggling to get a firm foothold on the catwalk with Suboshi pulling on his other hand.

 

Kryssa: (shouting) Everybody heave!

 

There is a concerted, spasmodic heaving motion…and the Nyan-nyan group surges safely onto the catwalk. Kryssa flings her arms out for balance--and knocks Roku, wires and all, over the rail.

 

Roku: (falling toward the stage) Kyaaaaahhhhhh!

Kryssa: Oops! Uh, sorry!

 

Luckily, the wires catch and hold, jerking Roku up and flipping her over in the best bungee style. The audience shrieks in dismay at Taiitsukun's violent entrance, as the figure of the Oracle bounces menacingly above her dais, shrieking and cursing and rotating.

 

Chichiri's Girl: (holding her hand before her eyes) Ooh! Not a pretty picture!

Sorceress: Damnit, CG, stop her rotations! Turn the controls to the left…no, wait, I mean right!

 

Too late again. Roku begins spinning like a game show wheel, and her radio microphone flies off and lands near the serenity fountain. Chichiri raises his hand before his face, about to intervene with a rescue spell…when suddenly, the theatre is filled with the sound of running water, the trickling of the serenity fountain being transmitted and amplified through Roku's radio mike.

 

Chichiri: (hopping from foot-to-foot) Daaaaaaaaaaaaaa, no da!

 

He turns and bolts offstage, abandoning Roku to her fate.

 

Roku: Hey-hic! Stop-hic! Somebody help me, HIC! SORCIE-HIC!

 

But for some reason, nearly everyone has disappeared. The catwalk is empty of Nyans and Aikido-chan, the Stand-In Director and Stage Hand have mysteriously abandoned their posts…and Roku twists to catch glimpses of the curiously abandoned theatre as her rotations continue, only gradually slowing due to the decay of momentum.

 

Roku: Damnit! Hic! What's going on, hic? Oh, fuck, the hiccups--and Shin--are back! Hic!

 

Suddenly, Roku…Has…Had…Enough!

 

Roku: (snarling) That's IT! Listen up, Shin, you piece of subversive shit, if that idiot Tomo can control you, then so can I! (flings her arm up in the best "magical-girl" style) Fusege!

 

To her complete shock, her command works, and she stops spinning. After her head takes a minute to stop spinning, she is finally able to focus on her surroundings--and is flabbergasted to see that there are only a couple of figures scattered here and there in the audience. All of her crew, the rest of the cast and almost all of the audience is missing.

 

Roku: Where is everybody? Hic! Damnit, Shin, I swear to Suzaku that if you've done anything to them, I'll…

 

Suddenly a voice echoes through the nearly empty auditorium from the tech booth. It's Kaze-chan, using the P.A. system to talk to Roku, since Roku has lost her radio mike.

 

Kaze-chan: (amused) Relax, Roku. For once, you can't blame Shin. This is all your doing.

Roku: Kaze-chan! Thank God--hic--someone is still around! But what do you mean, my doing, hic?!

Kaze-chan: This is the fault of your sets. All that running water in the Shrine of Seiryuu and in Taiitsukun's serenity fountain…what did you think that would do to your audience? Poor Chichiri--he fought the good fight, but being that he was right onstage with the water…well, let's just hope he made it to the men's room in time.

Roku: (daylight breaking into her brain) Ohhhhhhhh…

 

Meanwhile, back at the aforementioned men's room, the unfortunate monk did manage to reach the facilities in time, being that he was the first to bolt offstage, but too many of his compatriots are about to lose out.

Subaru leads a contingent of frantic women into the men's room, shocking the men lined up to use the urinals.

 

Subaru: Out of our way, guys! We're sick of waiting in those stupid lines in the ladies' room, so get the hell away from those stalls! In fact, get out of here altogether!

 

To their dismay, the men are shoved unceremoniously out of their own restroom by the Byakko seishi. This occurs throughout the theater, as desperate women invade the men's rooms in search of relief.

 

Sagara Sanosuke: Now what the hell are we supposed to do?!

Himura Kenshin: (jittering nervously) This unworthy one can't wait much longer, de gozaru!

 

As usual, wherever there is a genuine human need, there is always an enterprising businessman to take advantage of it.

 

Tamahome: Right this way, gentlemen! This door leads to the emergency men's toilets…however, there's a fee of two dollars for the use of these facilities! (pauses a moment) Paper money, please! (grins in self-satisfaction)

Sagara Sanosuke: What the hell do you mean, two dollars? Do you think this is France or something?!

Tamahome: (smug) If this price is too high for you, you're always free to do some comparison shopping; that, or wait in line with the women.

 

At that, the men lined up behind Sanosuke let out a roar of frustration and shove past him, throwing dollar bills at Tamahome. Tamahome catches them expertly and slams the door shut behind each man. Sanosuke turns pale.

 

Sanosuke:  Hey, Kenshin, kin ya loan me two bucks? I'll pay ya back tomorrow!

Himura Kenshin: (under his breath) This unworthy one believes that he has heard that line before, de gozaru!

 

Nevertheless, Kenshin is essentially kind-hearted, so he pays the fee for both of them. Tamahome opens the door, and the two warriors stumble through into the darkness--into the back alley of the theatre, where dozens of men are relieving themselves.

 

Sagara Sanosuke:  (staring in disbelief) Can ya believe that we just paid two bucks for a damn wall?!

Himura Kenshin:  (fumbling with his hakama) Good enough!

Sagara Sanosuke:  But I can barely see where to….Oh, good, those flashing red and blue lights are brightening things up a lot.

Himura Kenshin:   Oro?

 

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Part C.    A Dish Best Served Cold

 

Unaware of the developing disaster outside the theatre, Roku continues to chat with Kaze-chan.

 

Roku: So why haven't you--hic--joined the exodus to the restrooms, Kaze?

Kaze-chan: (snorting) Like you haven't sent me to the bathroom about five hundred times already. I'm as dry as the Sahara by now!

Voice from the audience: Likewise myself, lovely lady. I can assure you that my bladder has the staying power of my other, ahem, organs in that region.

 

Roku looks out and sees Tokaki lounging with his boots up on the chair in front of him, smirking. His long white bangs stand out against his tanned face, along with those startling golden eyes tilted up in mischief. He's wearing his usual gold hoop earrings and a loose white silk shirt, deep blue breeches and boots. He looks like a devastatingly sexy pirate prince…and Roku is never immune to a hot-looking man, no matter how much of a lech he might be. Inspiration--evil inspiration--suddenly hits.

 

Roku: (under her breath) Something tells me that the Moment For Revenge has arrived! Hic! Let's see what I can get Shin to do. (audibly, as she does her "magical girl" point again) Shin, bring back my headset, hic!

 

Once again, Shin obeys Roku and retrieves her headset from its spot beside the serenity fountain, depositing it neatly on her loopy hair. The sound of running water is finally cut off.

 

Kaze-chan: (impressed) Wow, pretty neat! Since when have you been able to control Shin?

Roku: (slyly) Just watch, my girl. Hic! (pointing at the tech booth) Shin, lock the door!

 

The lock clicks, alerting Kaze-chan to trouble.

 

Kaze-chan: Hey, what're you up to…?

Roku: Now, hic, for the lights and music!

 

The stage lights dim to a romantic candle-like glow, and the introduction to "Some Enchanted Evening" starts playing.

 

Roku: And finally--the Man Himself, hic!

 

She points a finger at Tokaki. His golden eyes widen…then narrow in an appreciative leer as he rises from his seat with lazy grace and approaches the stage. The voice of Giorgio Tozzi comes in, singing in the background.

 

Some enchanted evening

You may see a stranger

You may see a stranger

Across a crowded room

And somehow you know

You know even then

That somewhere you'll see her again and again

 

Tokaki: Your name is Roku, right? What a lovely name…mysterious, exciting!

Kaze-chan: (shrieking in the booth) WHAT?!
 
 
 
Roku simpers and hiccups, modestly twisting a finger through the white hair that is straggling out of her Taiitsukun hairdo. Tokaki leaps gracefully onto the stage, then kneels before the suspended, still-slightly-bouncing Director.

 

Tokaki: Your beauty overwhelms me. I offer myself as your humblest slave.

Roku: (batting her eyelashes) Would that be "body-slave," by any chance, hic?

Kaze-chan: This is Wrong! This is INSANE! Let me OUTTA HERE! (rattles the doorknob frantically)

 

Roku beams, her lighting tech's screams music to her ears. Tokaki seizes her hand and kisses it, incidentally assisting Roku in halting the bounces.

 

Some enchanted evening

Someone may be laughing

You may hear her laughing

Across a crowded room

And night after night

As strange as it seems

The sound of her laughter will sing in your dreams

 

Tokaki: (passionately) How can I resist that smile? And those hiccups--absolutely adorable!

 

He grasps both Roku's hands and pulls her close, his gentle motion necessary due to the fact that Roku is still attached to her suspension wires. They begin swaying in a slow dance, cheek-to-cheek, their faces tilted out towards the auditorium in the best "Broadway duet" style. The voice of Giorgio Tozzi vanishes, although the music continues so that Tokaki can take over.
 
 
 
Tokaki: (singing vibrantly)   Who can explain it

                                                  Who can tell you why

 
Roku: (joining him)               Fools give you reasons

                                                 Wise men never try

 
Kaze-chan: (screaming) There IS no reason! This is obscene! She looks like TAIITSUKUN, for God's sake!

Tokaki: (grinning at Roku) Well, I've always had a weakness for white hair!

Kaze-chan: (beating on the glass) White hair?! Your wife, SUBARU, has white hair! And unlike the frog princess there, Subaru is beautifuuuuuul!

Roku: (sniffling, with tears in her eyes) She's right, hic. I'm unworthy of you, Tokaki! Hic!

Tokaki: Never say that, my Beloved!

 

He begins singing again. The music swells passionately behind him.

 

Tokaki:                       Some enchanted evening

                                    When you find your true love

                                    When you feel her call you

                                    Across a crowded room

                                    Then fly to her side

                                    And make her your own

                                    Or all through your life you may dream all alone

 

Roku: (joining in again)           Once you have found her

                                                     Never let her go

 

Tokaki, Roku: (tenderly)          Once you have found her

                                                     Ne-ver let… her… go…

 

Kaze-chan: (flinging herself against the door, sobbing) Stop it! Stooooooooop iiiiiiiiiiiiit!

Roku: Oh, all right, hic! I guess that's enough tech torture for now. Shin, hic, release him!

 

She jerks her chin at Tokaki--but he fails to release her, instead pulling her closer and cupping her face in his hands. He leans in for a kiss, his long trailing bangs tickling Roku's overly made-up nose.

 

Roku: (confused) Hey, wait, hic! I released you from Shin's power!

Tokaki: (eyes glowing passionately) Shin has nothing to do with us! I want you on my own! In fact, I've been hungering for you since you first dropped into sight!

Kaze-chan: (pounding on the tech booth glass, wailing) ROKUUUUUUU! I'm going to KIIIIIIIIIIILL YOUUUUUUU! 

But her screams are in vain. Tokaki catches Roku's lips with his own, and her eyes widen at his passionately thrusting tongue--and other parts of his body--until he is suddenly yanked back.

 

Tokaki:   Ow, ow, ow, ow, OWWWWW!

Subaru:   (yanking on his ear) All right, that's enough, Lover-boy! If you ever want to see my naked butt again, you'll get back to your seat right NOW!

 

Tokaki teleports back to his seat and ducks behind the audience members who are filtering slowly back into the auditorium. Subaru turns back to Roku, who flails helplessly in her wires for a few moments before accepting that there is no escape. She hunches up before the beautiful white-haired magician and resigns herself to her fate, squeezing her eyes shut as she waits for a blast of Byakko Power.

Nothing happens, so she risks opening one eye. Subaru stands before her, the expression in her blue-grey eyes patient and not particularly angry. In fact, she looks slightly abashed.

 

Subaru:    Look, I'd like to apologize for Tokaki's behavior.

Roku:    I…you…apologize…ME?!!

Subaru:    Yes. (blushes) Can I tell you something, just between us girls?

Roku:    (stammering in relief) Oh, sure, hic! Yeah, of course!

 

Subaru leans in, speaking softly so as to avoid being overheard. The noise of the returning audience members grants her the privacy she seeks.

 

Subaru:   Well, uh, this is kind of embarrassing. You see, Tokaki has always had a…

Roku:   (interested) A what, hic?

Subaru:   An obsession with Taiitsukun!

Roku:   (shocked) Get OUT!

Subaru:    No, it's true! I don't know how or why…but it grew so bad during our quest to summon Byakko that Taiitsukun couldn't even materialize without Tokaki going crazy and trying to teleport all over her!

Roku:   (wincing at that mental image)  Ugh!

Subaru:   (sadly) Yes, by the end of our mission, she had to send all messages by Nyan-nyan only.

Roku:   But, Subaru, didn't that behavior, hic, hurt your feelings?

Subaru:    Well, it would have if he had been obsessed with someone, you know, a little less…amphibian-like. But this had gone on long before I met him, and I recognized it for what it was: a weird little brain-glitch.

Roku:   All I have to say is that you're one understanding wife! Hic!

Subaru:   (blushing again) Well, it's not all forbearance and martyrdom for me. You see, every time Tokaki even sees Taiitsukun, afterwards he gets very, er, frisky with me.

Roku:   (eyes lighting up) Really? More than usual?

Subaru:    Oh, yes! He's…well, he's unbelievable! He goes for hours! Days, even! That's really the reason we came to see the play! He was looking forward to seeing Taiitsukun, and I was looking forward to the…aftereffects. (drops her voice) Can I trust you with some, um, intimate secrets?

Roku:   (holding up two fingers in a Girl Scout gesture) Oh, hic, absolutely! I swear!

Subaru:    I believe that the key to a happy marriage is to, well, indulge your husband's fantasies…as long as they don't involve, you know, other parties or sick things.

Roku:   (to herself) An obsession with Taiitsukun isn't sick?

Subaru:   So sometimes, I, uh, dress up for him.

Roku:    (numbly) Dress up. Hic.

Subaru:    Yes, a few floating ribbons, some hair loops, some cotton pads in my cheeks, and…a swinging basket chair.

Roku:   (wide-eyed) You mean like from those couples' resorts?

Subaru:   Yes. You see, although my powers allow me to levitate, it's difficult to sustain it for such…long periods of time. Not to mention that the, uh, movements tend to distract me.

Roku:   Whoo-hooooo! You are, to quote your husband, One Hot Mama, girl-chick! Hic!

Subaru:   (laughing) Oh, he knows it, Roku! Believe me, he knows!

Roku:   Well, thanks for not killing me…aaaaand for the confidences. Hey listen, hic, as soon as I'm done with this gig…

Subaru:   Yes?

Roku:   Consider this costume yours. I'll even get Sorceress to throw in, hic, her makeup skills!

Subaru:    Oh, I was hoping you would say that, Roku!

Roku:  Hey, we girlfriends gotta hang tight, right?

 

Subaru happily knocks fists with Roku, then returns to her seat. The Director looks up to the tech booth. The windows are all steamed up from the screaming, but she can vaguely make out a figure slumped across the console in despair. Roku taps on her headset and calls up to the booth.

 

Roku:   Uh, wake up in there, Kaze. I think you might be drooling over the light board, hic.

Kaze-chan:   (dully) Make out your will, Roku, and bid your loved ones goodbye, because you are one Dead Woman!!

Roku:   (kindly) Don't take it so hard, Kaze-chan. When you play in the big leagues against the Queen of Mean, hic, you're bound to get burned!

Kaze-chan:   On top of everything else, would you please stop mixing metaphors?!

Roku:   (cheerfully) Anything for you, sweetheart. Hic. Well, it's time we rounded up the troops and got back to work.

Kaze-chan:   What makes you think that I'll just go back to working the tech booth instead of organizing another strike against you?!

Roku:   Because you're one of the smartest students in this entire country, and you don't need to be taught the same lesson twice. Hic. You can't win as long as we're in my arena, Kaze-chan. (soothingly) Besides, there are much worse fates out there, hic. I can always come up with even weirder sexual proclivities for Tokaki and Subaru, orrrrrrr… I could have you take my place as Taiitsukun while I work the lights and sound.

Kaze-chan:   You wouldn't dare! It would never work! No one's going to believe that I'm that horrid old woman!

Roku:   (sighing) Insulting demi-gods and Directors is never a good idea, chiisai. It's true that you have flawless porcelain skin and long, lush, wavy hair…but makeup and hair dye can work wonders. Hic.

Kaze-chan:   (defeated) Fine. I won't do anything for now. But don't consider yourself forgiven--this is more like an armed truce.

Roku:   (serenely) Fair enough! Well, hic, let's hope that the rest of the tech crew returns before all of the audience is back.

 

At that moment, a burly figure clad in official dark blue strides out onto the stage.

 

Policeman:   (in a thick South-Side accent) Ay! Are you da woman in charge of dis-here play?

Roku:  (startled) Yes, hic, that's me, Officer. Is there a problem?

Policeman:   (under his breath) Nuttin' as bad as your face. (raising his voice and holding out a strip of paper in triplicate) Well, yeah. Dis here's a citation for public indecency and the damage of public property.

Roku:   (nervously) What…what do you mean, Officer?! I run a clean business here, hic!

Policeman:  Well, me an' my partner, here we are patrollin' da back alleys of dis theatre districk, and we come across 'bout fifty guys relievin' themselves in da back a dis place. So we axe 'em what they tink dere doin,' and dey says dat you got people here tellin' 'em dat dis alley is a pay toilet for men! And we tells 'em, no, it's a public alley an' city property, so dey send us to some schmoe who's collectin' money ta use da alley, an' he tells me dat yer da one in charge.

Roku: (under her breath) Collecting money? Tamahomeeeeeee!

Policeman:   So's anyways, here's yer ticket, an' (kindly points out a scribble in a box) dis here's yer court date. In about t'ree weeks. See ya den.

 

The policeman exits, whistling cheerfully, while Roku sways in despair.

 

Roku:   Gaaaaahhhhhh! This is gonna -hic- cost me a freakin' hundred dollars. Per man!

Kaze-chan: (serenely) You know, it's almost frightening how quickly the karmic scales balance against you. I'd say that I'm sorry for you…but I'm NOT!

Roku:   (in a black mood) Look, I'm in no mood for jousting right now, Kaze-chan. Hic! Let's just get this damn chapter over with, so that I can get down from here and find one blue-haired boy and wrap my hands around his throat! Call in and see if you can find Sorceress …while I see, hic, about getting that Method actor back onstage. It's time for his Badass Clint Eastwood scene.

 

Suddenly, Roku's hiccups escalate.

 

Roku:    Hic!! Hic!! Hic!! Hic!! Oh, goddammit, stop already, Hic!!

 

To her relief, the hiccups do stop--but she fails to notice a faint blue ball of energy that escaped from her throat with the hiccups. The sapphire blue energy ball sails swiftly offstage, through the greenroom, then makes its way along the corridor towards the actors' dressing rooms. It stops at one particular door…then goes completely transparent and sails through.

Chichiri stands before his dressing mirror, adjusting his kesa preparatory to leaving for the stage. The energy ball glows faint blue, and the monk turns his head slightly, sensing something in the room with him. The ball suddenly shoots forward, strikes Chichiri between the shoulder blades and disappears. He jerks forward from the impact but quickly regains his balance.

 

Chichiri: (softly) Shin…

 

He turns to face the mirror once again…but this time his eye is glowing with a faint Seiryuu-blue light.

 

Chichiri: So, Method acting, huh?

 

He suddenly twists his kesa around so that it falls across his shoulders in a poncho-type style. With a snap of his fingers, he summons up a dusty black, flat-brimmed Western hat and a thin cigar. He places the hat on his head and the cigar between his teeth and leans in towards the mirror.

 

Chichiri: So what I wanna know is, Do ya feel lucky, punk? Do ya?!

 

###############################################################################################################################

 

Part D.      Baiting the Trap

 

At the same time, Tamahome is wandering past the dressing rooms, counting his money and only briefly worrying about the law officer he sent to Roku.

 

Tamahome: It's probably no big deal. Roku only has to pay him off like we do in Konan.

 

He passes Tasuki's dressing room and continues on his way to his own, but turns when he hears the door click open. To his shock, he sees Miaka exit Tasuki's room, smoothing down her hair and smiling to herself. She turns to go to her own room--and stops in shock at the sight of Tamahome.

 

Miaka: (faintly) Tama-home…

Tamahome: (eyes narrowed) I was just about to look for you, Miaka. So…what have you been up to?

Miaka: (stammering) I…I…I found Tasuki's script lying under the backstage prop table, and I decided to return it to him. We ran some lines, and now…now I have to get ready for Chapter Fourteen!

Tamahome: (approaching her) As far as I know, we're not even through with Chapter Eleven, so what's your hurry?

 

Miaka places a hand on his arm and smiles nervously.

 

Miaka:   You know me--I'm starving! Why don't you come with me, and we'll find someplace to grab a quick bite?

Tamahome:   No…no thanks. You go on without me, and I'll catch up with you later. I've got some business to take care of first.

 

He opens his hand and shows her the money. Miaka smiles in relief.

 

Miaka:   (fondly) Tamahome…you never change, do you?

 

She rises up on her toes and kisses him on the cheek, then runs off to her dressing room. Tamahome watches her until she disappears from sight, then turns and fixes Tasuki's door with a hard stare.

 

Tamahome: (darkly) Maybe I don't change…but I'm getting the feeling that things are changing around me.
 
 
 
 
He steps up and raps smartly on the door. After only a few seconds, Tasuki opens the door, fastening his tessen belts over his green tunic.

 

Tasuki: (startled) Hey, Obake-chan. Time for me to get backstage already?

Tamahome: No, we have plenty of time for that.

 

He pushes past Tasuki and enters his dressing room, flopping down on the couch and looking around.

 

Tasuki:   (sarcastically) Why dontcha come in an' make yerself at home?

Tamahome:   I didn't think you'd mind. After all, you seem to get a lot of traffic through here anyway. I just ran into Miaka leaving your room.

Tasuki:  (shifting his eyes away) Yeah, she found my script lying around and returned it to me. We decided that since she was here, we might as well run some lines.

Tamahome:  Good story.

Tasuki:   (frowning) Whaddaya mean?

Tamahome: (waving an expansive hand) The play…the script. It's a good story. Deserves your extra work.

Tasuki: Yeah, it does. (takes a breath) Look, Obake-chan, this is big fun and I hate ta end it, but if there's nothin' else you want…

Tamahome: Actually, there is. (smiles his most charming and ingratiating smile) You know, Tasuki, we used to hang out together all the time. But now…I feel like we've barely talked tonight at all.

Tasuki: (crossing his arms) Maybe that's because the last time we "talked," you tried ta kiss me.

Tamahome: (shrugging) You know that I was just horsing around. Seems like you can't take a joke anymore. (looks sad) In fact, if I didn't know better, I'd almost say that you were avoiding me.

Tasuki:   Avoidin' you? Why?

Tamahome:   That's what I keep asking myself. Why would Tasuki suddenly want to avoid me? Is it something I did…or something he did?

Tasuki: (scowling) Now yer talkin' a load of bullshit. I ain't avoidin' ya, and I ain't…

Tamahome:  (standing up) Good, that's settled. So then you'll have no problem meeting me back in my room for some friendly guy talk.

Tasuki:   Uh, er…

Tamahome:   (cheerfully) I'll even make some popcorn--you love popcorn, I know. See you in about five, okay?

 

Tamahome gets up and leaves Tasuki's room, waving cheerfully without turning around. Tasuki sits down on his couch and rakes his hand through his hair.

 

Tasuki: Goddamnit, I know I promised Roku that I'd stay away from Tama, but if I don't show up at his room, he's gonna know that somethin's up! Better go…and watch my step, that's all.

 

He gets up and runs a brush through his hair, then finishes fastening his belts.

Meanwhile, all of the tech crew have returned to their original stations, and the curtain is about to go up on Confrontation again, this time starting at Taiitsukun's entrance into her shrine. Roku stands on the edge of the catwalk, wired and re-made up, waiting to be lowered onto the stage in a more controlled manner than the last time. Sorceress pushes a weary hand through her red curls, hoping that the scene will go as written for once. However, her lead actor has not yet shown up in the wings.

 

Sorceress: (fretting) Damnit, where is he?!

 

Suddenly a shadow falls across Sorceress. She shivers at an inexplicable chill feeling…then looks up into the cold blue gaze of the man she has been waiting for.

 

Sorceress:   Thank Suzaku you're here, Chichiri! Get onstage and then we'll raise the curtain…Wait, what's with the poncho and the hat--and the cigar?!

 

Chichiri doesn't reply, merely fixing her with a long, cool look.

 

Sorceress:   Well, that's not part of the scene, so lose all that extra stuff and straighten your kesa.

Chichiri:   (very cool) The hat stays.

Sorceress:   (getting angry) What is with you?! If you mess with this scene, you're going to have to answer to Roku as well as me--and I'm telling you that she's one scary lady right now!

 

Chichiri just fixes her with another long stare.

 

Sorceress:  (getting nervous) Fine, be that way! At least get rid of the cigar!

Chichiri:   (through his teeth) The cigar stays.

Sorceress:   Aaaarrrrgggghhh! I don't need this grief right now! Fine, the hat and the cigar stay…and you get to put your ass on the line with Roku! I wash my hands of you!

Chichiri:   (touching his hat brim respectfully) Ma'am.

 

He shoulders his shakujou and leaves to make his entrance onstage.

 

Sorceress:   (thoroughly pissed off)  And don't call me Ma'am!

 

Jumping back to Tamahome's dressing room, the midnight-haired seishi is making some quick preparations for Tasuki's visit. First he grabs a bottle of Gatorade and dumps half of it down his sink, replacing the volume with Absolut vodka. He then pours out most of a liter bottle of sparkling mineral water and replaces it with high-octane gin. The popcorn has finished popping in his microwave, so he dumps it into a bowl and pours salt heavily over it, following it up with a liberal dose of sharp white cheddar powder. Just as he's taking out another bottle of sparkling mineral water, there is a knock at the door.

 

Tamahome: Just a sec!

 

He wipes his hands and opens the door. Tasuki stands there, his expression caught halfway between annoyance and forbearance.

 

Tamahome: Damn, you look like you just swallowed a thistle. What's wrong?

 

Tasuki realizes that he's giving away his reluctance to be anywhere near Tamahome.

 

Tasuki:   (attempting a cheerful grin) Nothin.' Guess I'm jus' hungry; must be Miaka rubbin' off on me. (stops as he realizes what he just said) I mean, hangin' around with her--onstage, ya know. (desperately) Is that popcorn I smell?!

Tamahome:  (brightly) Sure is! I'm trying out a new recipe; tell me what you think!

 

He pushes Tasuki onto his couch and places the huge bowl of popcorn on his lap. Tasuki grabs up a handful and pops it into his mouth--then starts choking.

 

Tasuki:   Goddamnit, how much salt didja put on here? I need some water!

Tamahome:   (looking crushed) Don't you like it? I was trying out a new white cheddar powder. It might make the popcorn a little salty, but if you don't like it, I can throw it out and start over.

 

Tasuki realizes that this means a longer stay in Tamahome's dressing room, so he swallows the popcorn with difficulty and smiles weakly.

 

Tasuki:   Nah, it's okay. I guess I wasn't expecting the cheese powder. So do ya have any water or anythin'?

Tamahome:   Just mineral water, I'm afraid. But that should do the trick.

 

He hands Tasuki the gin-spiked mineral water and takes the new bottle for himself.

 

Tamahome:   (clinking bottles with Tasuki) Cheers!

 

Tasuki takes a big gulp of water…and starts choking again.

 

Tasuki:   Damnit, what the hell's in this stuff?! Tastes like evergreen needles or somethin'!

Tamahome:   (examining his bottle label) Well, it says that it comes from some mineral spring in Colorado--maybe the spring is near some evergreen trees.

Tasuki:   Fuckin' weird-tastin' water, that's all I gotta say!

Tamahome:   Here, have some more popcorn--that should cut the taste.

 

Tasuki reluctantly takes another handful of popcorn…and the party is underway.

 

Onstage, the curtain has gone up and Chichiri sits alone, waiting for Taiitsukun's entrance. The audience stares at the normally reserved monk sprawled comfortably on his side with one knee drawn up, his head tilted back as he blows smoke rings at the ceiling.

 

Ryuen: (whispering) Somehow that doesn't look like a standard Zen posture!

Purple Mouse: And what's with the hat?!

 

The figure of Taiitsukun descends more or less smoothly into the shrine, only gaining a little speed at the end, causing the wires to snap back with a quick jerk and a muffled "oof!" from the actress. Kaze-chan brings up the music to "Cursum Perficio," the ominous, rising tension of the song adding to the developing onstage tension.

Roku resists the impulse to glare at her offstage sister and instead continues with her first line.

 

Roku: Chichiri! Explain yourself! How dare you disturb my rest…? (catching sight of his strange wardrobe and attitude) What the fuck?!

Mom: (standing up) You itsa watch you mouth, Taiitsukun!

Roku: (waving a distracted hand toward the first row) Sorry, Mom, I was just surprised by…

Mom: (furious) You itsa not call me "Mom!" You itsa two thousand years older than me!

 

The Slipper comes winging across the stage and whaps "Taiitsukun" across her behind.

 

Roku: (jerking on her wires) Ouch! Owwww! Fu…uh…ooey! Phooey! Stop that, Mom…er, Lady! (grumbling to herself) So much for a mother always recognizing her young!

 

Chichiri rises gracefully to his feet, straightening his hat and taking command of the situation. In spite of his strange outfit, he remains powerfully in character.

 

Chichiri: (thick with sarcasm) How dare I disturb your rest? Is that what you were doing, resting?! I wondered why I hadn’t heard from you in over a week. In fact, we haven’t communicated since the failed summoning of Suzaku. Don’t you want to know why we haven’t yet left to seek out the Shinzaho? (growing harsher) Aren’t you the least bit curious as to what the Suzaku shichiseishi are doing? Or does that magic mirror of yours tell you more than you want to know?!

 

Roku gets caught up in Chichiri's realistic rendering of the scene, and finally snaps into character herself.

 

Roku: (enraged) How dare you speak so to me?! Watashi wa sensei desu! Anata wa seito desu! What gives you the right to invade my home without my permission and speak to me with such disrespect?!

Chichiri: (hissing in fury) What gives me the right?! I’ll tell you what gives me the right!

 

He steps back so that his profile is clearly visible to the audience. His tone remains infuriated, but now there is another note running through his words, a grief so intense that it nearly chokes off his words.

 

Chichiri: (quieter, grief-stricken) Holding the broken body of that boy in my arms as he wept with pain and humiliation. Looking into the face of his attacker, and seeing a wish for death in the eyes of one so young that he had only just begun to live. (growing in intensity) Feeling the heartbreak…(pauses and swallows) …the heartbreak of all those who love them, as they struggle to understand…why.

 

Chichiri looks down at his hand grasping his shakujou in a white-knuckled grip. A few soft sobs are heard from the audience members.

Suddenly, Chichiri's head snaps up, and he fixes Taiitsukun with a look so fierce that had Roku not been suspended from the wires, she would have fled the stage.

 

Chichiri: (howling in rage as he points his shakujou at Taiitsukun) THIS is what gives me the right to call you to account for what your stupidity has wrought! You ask how I dare?! I ask how YOU dare face Suzaku after nearly destroying his chosen ones more effectively than anything Nakago could do! Or is it Seiryuu that you answer to?!

 

Roku fights to stay in character instead of fleeing in terror. She represses her shudders, making herself react in anger instead of fear.

 

Roku: (shouting) You go too far, Suzaku no Chichiri!

 

The audience holds their breath, caught up in the escalating confrontation between Chichiri and Taiitsukun.

Meanwhile, things are escalating in Tamahome's dressing room as well.

 

Tasuki:   (holding his head) I dunno…my head hurts. Think I better go back ta my room an' take a quick shower or somethin.'

Tamahome:   No, that won't help. I think that drinking all that mineral water depleted your electrolytes. Here, have some Gatorade; it'll make you feel better.

 

Tasuki frowns. He knows that something in that statement sounds wrong, but he's unable to put his finger on it due to the fuzziness in his brain. He shrugs and accepts a glass of the light green liquid from Tamahome.

 

Tasuki:   So what were we talkin' 'bout again, Tama?

Tamahome:   (eyes narrowed) Women.

Tasuki:   Ah, fuck, I don' wanna talk 'bout women no more! I hate 'em!

Tamahome:   Do you really? All of them?

Tasuki:   Nah, not all of 'em. I don't hate my mom. (stops as a thought strikes him) Hey, did I ever say that to my mom? (tears well up in his eyes) Did I ever tell 'er that I loved 'er?

Tamahome:   (aggravated) Would you stop going on about your mom?! We're not talking about her!

Tasuki:   We're not?

Tamahome:   No!

Tasuki:   (leaning back on the couch and staring at the ceiling) Good, 'cause I hate 'er!

 

Tamahome blows out an angry breath as Tasuki continues to address the ceiling.

 

Tasuki:   Always yellin' at me, always puttin' me down. "Oh, ya think yer the big smart shichiseishi, but ya don't even make yer bed th' right way! Oh, ya think yer Mister Big-Shot fer summoning Suzaku, but yer always forgettin' ta take out the garbage! So ya mighta saved our world from destruction, but when was th' last time ya brought home an A on yer report card?!"

Tamahome:   (shouting) Would you shut up about your mother already?! Just drink your Gatorade and shut UP!

Tasuki:   (staring at Tamahome in wonder) I'll be damned if ya didn't sound jus' like 'er, Tama!

 

Tamahome places his head in his hands.

 

Tamahome:   Now my head is hurting.

Tasuki:    (kindly proffering his glass) Here, have some Gatorade. It'll make ya feel better.

 

###############################################################################################################################

 

Part E.     The Big Bang

 

"Confrontation" has progressed to the scene in Taiitsukun's shrine where Taiitsukun and Chichiri join forces to exorcise the oni from Chiriko's scroll. Kryssa, as Nyan, has joined them onstage from her own wire, her descent nearly flawless except for one brief bash into "Taiitsukun," who managed to keep herself from cursing out loud. The twins are gone, having fled back to their seats after the "diuresis" intermission.

Roku, holding the crystal shakujou, floats near Chichiri, who is also pointing his shakujou at an ornate gold scroll lying within a circle drawn with luminescent paint. Kryssa hovers behind them, bobbing and clasping her hands anxiously.

 

Roku, Chichiri: (commanding) Come out!

 

The scroll vibrates and levitates briefly before falling back into the circle. The strains of "Cursum Perficio" continue to add to the tension of the scene. Chichiri sways back and forth, eyes narrowed in concentration as he gently twists the shakujou.

 

Roku: (triumphant) We've got it!

 

The air is thick with tension and anticipation, and the audience holds its collective breath as they wait for the appearance of the disembodied oni, the Big Bad of the entire play. A hissing sound and some special effects smoke issue from the wildly vibrating scroll, and there is a sudden flash of light and a puff of stage smoke. The smoke clears slowly, and the audience sucks in its breath as the True Form of the Oni is revealed at last.

 

Roku: (breaking character, outraged) You have got to be shitting me!

 

The Oni appears to be a common garden-variety volleyball, painted black with goofy green glow-in-the-dark eyes and black crepe streamers that are supposed to represent tentacles.

 

Kryssa: (grabbing Roku's arm and hissing in her ear) Get back in character, Taiitsukun! You're ruining your own play!

Roku: (hissing back at her) But what the fuck is this shit?! Is this the best you could do to create a body-snatching demonic force?!

Kryssa: You didn't leave us much money for special effects, Roku! We did what we could!

 

Meanwhile, Kaze-chan has brought up the taped "voice" of the oni. The oily seductiveness of its tones contrasts with the bland amiability of the volleyball shape.

 

Oni: So we meet again, little monk! Did you…miss me?

Chichiri: (remaining admirably in character) So, Taiitsukun, what will become of this…thing?

Roku: (blinking) Uhh, I will…(fights back the urge to say "spike it over the net!" and continues with the scripted line)…I will send it back into the deepest depths of Hell to burn for all eternity!

Chichiri: (prowling around the enchanted circle like a predatory cat) But it’s possible that one day, it could escape again; it’s possible that it could get free.

Oni: (gleefully) Oh yes, little monk! And then I’ll come looking for you...and we’ll dance! Perhaps we’ll even invite your friend Tasuki to join us; I am so very fond of him, too!

 

Chichiri stops and stiffens as if struck. Despite the ridiculous figure of the oni, Chichiri's realistic reactions are drawing the audience back under the spell. The tension begins rising in the theatre again.

 

Roku: (back in character, scowling) The chances of such a thing happening again are very small, almost nonexistent!

Chichiri: (very cold) Almost isn’t good enough.

 

Suddenly, "Cursum Perficio" cuts out, and is replaced by a sixteenth note warble played on a wood whistle, followed by the rest of the instantly recognizable, eerie Western theme.

 

Roku: (to herself, her eyes wide) "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly"?! Where the hell did that come from?!

 

Sorceress, directing from the wings, is equally as flummoxed. She calls in to Kaze-chan.

 

Sorceress: Errrr, Kaze…?

Kaze-chan: Not my doing! I have nothing to do with this music!

Sorceress: (sighing to herself) Guess all I can do is brace myself and hang tight. Now I know how it feels to be Roku!

 

She doesn't have long to wait. To her shock, a dry desert wind blows across the stage, sending several tumbleweeds rolling through the shrine. Chichiri strikes a match against his boot and relights his cigar, which is still clenched between his teeth. He pulls his hat lower on his brow and gives Roku a long, cool look.

 

Chichiri: Step aside, Taiitsukun. You, too, Nyan.

Roku: (stunned) Uh, er… What do you intend? I won’t allow...!

Chichiri: (icily) Step aside, I said.

 

Taking her cue, CG activates the pulleys, dragging Roku and Kryssa back upstage to the dais. Roku grabs Kryssa and leans in to hiss in her ear.

 

Roku: (whispering frantically) What's going on?! Where did he get the boots and spurs--and since when is his eye blue?!

Kryssa: (wide-eyed) No idea…but man, does this ever remind me of one of those spaghetti Westerns!

Roku: (paling in shock) Westerns? Oh, no--Clint Eastwood! The Man With No Name! Seiryuu-blue eye?! Shit! Shin must be behind this! But the thing is that I don't have the hiccups. Anymore, that is…

Kryssa: (meeting Roku's gaze) Anymore? You don't suppose…?

 

Meanwhile, Mitsukake bolts out of his dressing room, nearly running down Nuriko in the corridor.

 

Nuriko: Hey, where's the fire, Mits?

Mitsukake: (breathless) Violence! I can sense it! (turns to run)

Nuriko: (grabbing his arm) Where?!

Mitsukake: Onstage!

Nuriko: (deadly serious) I'll come with you. We'll put a stop to it!

Mitsukake: (surprised) Stop it? I want to watch it!

 

He bolts toward the stage. After a moment, Nuriko turns and knocks on Tamahome's door.

 

Nuriko: Hey, Tama-chan, I think something's happening onstage!

Tamahome's voice: Go away! Tasuki and I are busy!

Nuriko: (to himself) Tasuki?! And Tamahome?

 

He lifts a hand to knock again…then shrugs and takes off after Mitsukake.

Onstage, Roku realizes that Chichiri is waiting patiently for his cue.

 

Roku: (trying to sound fierce) Chichiri! These are sacred precincts! I forbid you to...

Chichiri: (snarling) Shut up! You have no power over me!

Oni: (chortling) Oh, yessss, lovely! You excite me, little monk! What darkness lies within you! I want you to be mine forever!

 

Chichiri turns and stands over the volleyball, his posture exuding deadly threat.

 

Chichiri: (hissing in rage) There is no more forever for you, you crawling abomination! It all ends for you tonight - right here, right now!

 

Suddenly he throws aside his shakujou and uncoils a whip from its position on his hip. Roku gapes, while Sorceress watches helplessly from the wings.

 

Sorceress: (despairing) Oh, God, what is he up to now?!

 

Mitsukake skids into the wings, nearly hitting into Sorceress. He is followed shortly by Nuriko.

 

Mitsukake: Am I too late?! Has it started yet?!

Sorceress: Oh, thank God, Mits! Do you have any way to put a stop to this?!

Mitsukake: (looking scandalized) Stop this? And ruin the best damn chapter in the whole play?!

 

He realizes that Sorceress is staring at him in shock and disapproval.

 

Mitsukake: Uh, I mean…(assumes his classic monotone) Oh-no-there-is-noth-ing-I-can-do. What-a-shame-I-feel-so-bad. Let's-hope-every-one-stays-heal-thy.

 

Sorceress glares at him, while Nuriko suppresses a snicker.

Onstage, the Oni Destruction scene has begun. Chichiri snaps the whip around the magic circle. Eerie violet light shines down on the scene.

 

Chichiri: (snarling) This is for Nuriko’s tears!

 

The whip strikes out rapidly--one-two-three-four-five times--cracking violently against the volleyball, causing it to rise up and spin wildly in the air before smacking back down into the magic circle again. Realistic screams issue from the speakers, as if the oni were in agony.

 

Oni: Please! Please stop!

Sorceress: (murmuring in her headset) Good work, Kaze-chan.

Kaze-chan: (grimly) It's not me. I was too slow on the controls, and now the soundtrack is running itself!

Sorceress: Well, errrr…then just try to keep up with the lights!

 

Chichiri coils the whip rapidly and jams it into his belt. He then reaches into his poncho/kesa and pulls something out.

 

Kryssa: Holy Crap!

Roku: Good God, that's a…

Mitsukake: (joyfully) .357 Magnum!!

 

Sure enough, Chichiri is now holding a handgun the size of a small cannon. He points it at the oni. Blue light shines down around him, giving the stage a mystical glow.

 

Chichiri: (teeth clamped around his cigar) This... is for Tamahome’s suffering!

Roku: (nervously) That's a prop, right? He wouldn't really…

 

Suddenly Chichiri slams the trigger six times in succession. The gun goes off like the cannon it resembles, roaring as the bullets blast into the volleyball and ricochet around the stage. Roku and Kryssa struggle desperately to get offstage, bouncing around on their wires like deranged marionettes.

 

Sorceress: (pale) Oh, dear God!

Mitsukake: Yes! Yes, yes, YES!! (intercepting Sorceress' glare) I mean…yes-it's-good-that-no-one-got-hurt.

Nuriko: (wide-eyed) That monk is totally out of control!

Sorceress: CG, something's wrong with Chichiri!

Chichiri's Girl: (on the headset) Ya think?!

Sorceress: Can you get the girls offstage?!

Chichiri's Girl: Sorry, no can do. Those wires only go upstage and downstage a bit, not sideways to the wings.

Oni's voice: (whimpering) Please…please don't hurt me anymore…

 

All eyes are fixed on the figure of the cowboy-monk as he stalks over to the volleyball, which is hissing softly as it deflates.

 

Chichiri: (softly) I wonder...I wonder how many times you’ve heard those same words over the centuries. Can you remember?

Roku: (moaning) Oh man, I think this is going to be baaaaaad…

Kryssa: (grousing) Quit whining! You're the one who wrote it that way!

Chichiri: (silkily) Do you remember the last time you heard those same pleas for mercy? Was it perhaps just...last...WEEK?! (thundering in rage) Mercy shall be given to you! The very same mercy you showed my brother!

 

With a tremendous heave, the magician suddenly hoists something onto his shoulder. Red, orange and yellow light flashes and leaps around him like the flames of the tessen.

 

Kryssa: (squeezing her eyes shut) This is it, we're toast.

Roku: (wailing) It's a goddamn missile launcher! (screaming) Chichiri, NO! DON'T DO IT!

Mitsukake: (ecstatically) I've got to get out there!

 

He bolts onto the stage just as Chichiri screams his last line.

 

Chichiri: (roaring) And THIS…is for TASUKI!!

 

The missile launcher goes off with a whistling shriek and a roar, blasting the stage boards where the volleyball once rested. A huge mushroom cloud of smoke rolls over the decimated stage and out into the audience, most of whom are sitting shocked and mute in their seats. For some reason, the fire alarm and sprinkler sytems fail to go off, so the smoke clears slowly.

The first figure that comes back into view is Mitsukake, knocked onto his butt by the percussive force of the explosion but sitting with a beatific smile on his face. Chichiri's form soon becomes visible through the smoke. He is still standing with the missile launcher on his shoulder, but his face is blackened with the ignition powder, and the end of his cigar is frayed. Finally the figures of Kryssa and Roku come into view, hanging haphazardly off their wires as they cling to one another, groaning, their faces also blackened with ignition powder.

Chichiri lowers the missile launcher and takes the ruined cigar out of his mouth, surveying it critically.

 

Chichiri:  Damn. Waste of a good cigar.

 

Meanwhile, Sorceress calls in to Kaze-chan to lower the curtain over the scene of destruction. She, Chichiri's Girl, and Aikido-chan rush onto the stage and release Roku and Kryssa from their wires. Kryssa relaxes into the arms of her fellow crew members, but Roku pushes angrily to her feet and stomps over to confront Chichiri.

 

Roku:   (snarling) Would you care to explain what the hell just happened?!

Chichiri:    (focusing on her and blinking owlishly) What's wrong? Didn't the scene go well?

Roku:    (squinting at him) Hey, your eye's not blue anymore. (tapping her fingers against her chin as she thinks) Did something happen with you and Shin?

Chichiri:   (frowning) Oh, yes, Shin. I seem to recall feeling its presence in my dressing room before the second half of Confrontation.

Roku:   (smacking her fist into her palm) That's it! Shin's power must have somehow escaped me and transferred to you! That's the reason for your Method Acting!

 

Her mouth drops open as another memory comes back to her.

 

Roku:    That's right! I was just telling Kaze-chan that you reminded me of Clint Eastwood in this scene, when I suddenly got a severe hiccup attack! That's when Shin must have gotten to you!

Chichiri:    If you say so. Listen, Roku, if you'll excuse me, I have to get cleaned up for the next scene.

 

The magician turns and strolls offstage at stage left. Roku watches absently as he removes his hat and runs a casual hand through his bangs, then picks up one boot and playfully spins the spur on his heel.

 

Roku:    (snapping to alertness) Wait one damn minute here!

 

She runs offstage and catches up with Chichiri, grabbing him by the elbow and turning him around. He grins down at her, a mischievous look on his powder-blackened face.

 

Roku:     (pissed) I'm thinking that you lied to me when you said that Shin took you over! I'm thinking that you're way too powerful of a magician to let a two-bit magical object take control of you!

Chichiri:    (serenely) I didn't lie to you. I never said that Shin had taken me over. All I said was that I sensed Shin in my room…and that was the truth. You were the one who came up with the possession scenario.

Roku:    (outraged) So you did all that shit on stage for fun?! You scared the crap out of the audience and Kryssa and ME just for shits and giggles?! Where the hell are your ethics?! You're supposed to be a monk!

 

Chichiri:   (nodding agreeably)   That's true. However...

 

He turns away, replaces his hat on his head, then looks back over his shoulder so that his right profile is visible to Roku.

 

Chichiri:    I never claimed to be a saint.
 
 
 
He starts walking away again but pauses, politely touching the brim of his hat.
 
 
 
Chichiri:     Ma'am.

 

 

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 Glossary of Japanese Terms:

 

Sunakake-babaa - A term referring to a sand-throwing youkaai or demon which takes the form of an incredibly ugly woman. In the FY anime, this is what Tamahome always screams when he first sees Taiitsukun.

Fusege! - Stop!

de gozaru - an old-fashioned Japanese phrase, a form of "to be"; Kenshin always uses it for emphasis, just like Chichiri uses "no da"

oro - Kenshin's own original word; he uses it when he is flustered or confused

chiisai - little one

"Watashi wa sensei desu! Anata wa seito desu!" - "I am the teacher! You are the student!"

 

 

Author's note: (6-16-04) Whooooo-hoooooo! This was one HELL of a fun chapter to write! It took me a while to get out from under my (not unexpected) depressive spell, but the Casting Stones looniness came back into my life with a vengeance this weekend! The only thing that bummed me out was that I missed the two-year anniversary of the debut of CS, which was June 10, last Thursday. However, here I am, only six days late, so no more whining from me.

It's hard to believe that this giddy fic has been out on FF.net for two whole years now. I started writing it almost immediately after finishing "White Stones," and I thought that it would be a brief little summer farce. Ah well, the joke's on me, I guess.

Anyway, I can't go any further without acknowledging my influences on this chapter. First and foremost is Aikido-chan, whose statement to me almost two years ago ("Serenity fountains make me have to pee!") provoked the first (literally) running gag in this chapter. Then, of course, there's Kaze-chan and her threats to dismember me should I ever dare to play with her Tokaki the way I play with Kryssa's Chichiri. Ah, Kaze-chan, Kaze-chan…you should know that I can't resist a challenge! :P Finally, there's Kryssa and her constant demands to be near the stage and near Chichiri…so I made it as traumatic an experience for her as possible!

So where does Casting Stones go next? Poor Tasuki is still stuck in Tamahome's dressing room, drunk as a skunk and at his mercy; the Director is still stuck in Taiitsukun makeup; the tech crew is still traumatized by the missile launcher…but yes, they shall all return in yet another deranged chapter of CS. The thing is…I won't be back here for a while. Sorry, CS fans, but it's time for me to go back to Bridge Over the Abyss--and I'm hoping to stay there until I definitively finish that fic. It's time that I rescued Chichiri, Joss, and the Doctor from their cliffhanger which has lasted several months already...and I really, really want to get away from having three fanfics running simultaneously. It's just too hard for me to keep up with them all on a regular basis! After Bridge is finished, I'll be down to two…and there's not a heck of a lot left to CS, either.

Well, here is where I sign off from comedy for a while and return to angsty drama…except for one thing. I've been hanging around with Purple Mouse too much lately and reading her stuff--and the end result is that I have saddled this chapter with two Mouse-chan-like akugis. Skip them if you like or read them if you dare.

Ja ne!

Roku

 

 

AKUGI 1.

Suddenly, "Cursum Perficio" cuts out, and is replaced by a sixteenth note warble played on a wood whistle, followed by the rest of the instantly recognizable, eerie Western theme.

Roku: "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly"?! Where the hell did that come from?!

Kryssa: Well, he's the Good (pointing at Chichiri), and that's the Bad (pointing at the Oni volleyball), so that must make you…

Roku: Hey!!

 

AKUGI 2.

With a tremendous heave, the magician suddenly hoists something onto his shoulder. Red, orange and yellow lights flash and leap around him like the flames of the tessen.

Chichiri:  (roaring) And THIS…is for TASUKI!!

The missile launcher goes off with a whistling shriek and a roar, blasting the stage boards where the volleyball is deflating. A huge mushroom cloud of smoke rolls over the decimated stage and out into the audience, most of whom are sitting shocked and mute in their seats.

Except for one.

A man who bears a striking resemblance to Forrest Gump, except for the fact that he is thinner and clad only in a ragged loincloth, leaps up from his seat. He has long, wild sun-bleached hair and a ratty, untrimmed beard.

Man:  (wailing)  Wilson! Wiiiiiiiiillll-soooooonn!

Roku:   Somebody get that nut outta here. And give him a shave and a haircut!

Tamahome:   Are you asking me to be rhythmic?

Roku:  (sigh)

Tasuki:   Hic!!

 

Okay, anyone who can explain the movie reference from Akugi 2 wins extra Roku points! :P :P