Disclaimer:
Mouse-chan
and Ryu-chan do not own Fushigi Yuugi, Regeneration, Hamlet, or any war
poets. Mouse-chan does own Freddie, though. So don't take
him. *nod*
Authors' Note: One sunny
day, Mouse-chan and I were horrendously bored and, as it happened, both on the
computer at the same time. After some aimless internet-wandering, we at
last decided to play a game, in which we would write a story in our Instant
Messages, alternating sentences. What came of that is...this. 3-D
glasses and Mountain Dew may enhance the experience.
Authors' Note 2: Throughout
the text, you'll find bold numbers in brackets—footnotes, in other
words. These, friends, will lead you down to the bottom of the page,
where we've listed all inside jokes, obscure references, and general insanity
that will aid you in your understanding of this frightening, frightening little
fic. In an ideal world, it would be possible for us to make these numbers
clickable, so one could easily navigate back and forth,
but unfortunately, it's not possible through ff.net at this juncture. So,
either endure a great deal of scrolling, read and
memorize all the inside jokes ahead of time...or, well, just wait until the end
to peek. ^_~.
Cheese and the Meaning of Life:
A Not-So-Round Robin Story
by Purple Mouse and Ryuen
~*~
Ryuen: Nuriko blinked.
Mouse-chan: Suddenly, it
seemed, all his socks had turned into cheese. [1]
Ryuen: "Oh,
nooooo!!" Nuriko shrieked. "It seems all my socks have turned
into cheese!"
Mouse-chan: (That's,
like, THREE sentences :P)
Ryuen: (It's one. :P)
Mouse-chan: (See the
period after shrieked? :P)
Ryuen: "Oh,
noooo!" Nuriko shrieked, "it seems all my
socks have turned into cheese!" ( :P:P:P:P:P )
Mouse-chan: ( :P )
Mouse-chan: He decided to
call Wilfred Owen [2] about the problem, for Wilfred Owen was very skilled
where it came to cheese and cheese knowledge.
Ryuen: Wil, who just
happened to be visiting Hotohori to compose a poem concerning the young
emperor's timeless beauty, answered the phone on the first ring.
Mouse-chan:
"Hello," he said, "Who's this?"
Ryuen: "Oh,
dear," said Ryu-chan, "'who' shouldn't be capitalized when you have
it coming after a comma, Mouse-chan." [3]
Mouse-chan: And Mouse-chan
said, "I know, I've noticed, and was hoping you'd ignore it."
Ryuen: "Oh," said
Ryu-chan, and the story could continue.
Mouse-chan:
"...Eek," said Nuriko, puzzled, "how the hell did I know to call
Hotohori's house when I was looking for freaking Wilfred Owen??"
Ryuen: "Well,
obviously it's because you knew to call my CELL phone," Wilfred
explained.
Mouse-chan: "Oh,"
said Nuriko, "okay."
Ryuen: "Well,
then," said Wil, playing with his mustache, "what do you need, eh,
wot?"
Mouse-chan: "Something
terrible has happened, my socks have all turned to
cheese!" Nuriko wailed, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.
Ryuen: Hotohori, who
had ears like some sort of bloodhound, immediately rushed to Wilfred's side
upon hearing the wail.
Mouse-chan: Grabbing the
phone, much to the dismay of the rather annoyed war poet, he demanded, "Nuriko,
what's the matter, are you in need of a hug???"
Ryuen: Nuriko
immediately melted, finding his legs suddenly the consistency of cheese, and
managed, "Hotohori-samaaaaaa, I-I couldn't ask you to come alllllllll the
way over here just to give me a hug...even though I could really use one...and
I never get any from anyone but Miaka in the series..."
Mouse-chan: "I'll be
right there," said Hotohori seriously, and handed the phone back to
Wilfred Owen.
Ryuen:
"Thanks," said Wilfred Owen.
Mouse-chan: Hotohori quickly
dashed for his coat, grabbed his keys, ran to the palace garage, and leaped
into the Sai Mobile.
Ryuen: The Sai Mobile,
which had been denied a very pleasant safety rating given that the entire
interior was composed of mirrored glass, sped along down the road towards
Nuriko's house; special belts, fastened carefully over Hotohori's hair,
prevented it from being blown out of place as he sped along.
Mouse-chan: Meanwhile,
Nuriko had hung up the phone with a shaking hand and slumped against the wall
to the ground, sniffling and staring in horror at his poor cheezy socks.
Ryuen: He was just
considering opening up a fondue-themed restaurant when the door swung
dramatically open..............................and Tasuki stomped in, feeling
slighted at being ignored when even dead poets were being invited into the fic.
Mouse-chan: "Hey,
now," said Wilfred Owen, biting his ink-stained thumb at Ryu-chan,
"don't mock the Society."
Ryuen: "Well,
golly, I meant no offense," Ryu-chan assured him, "and well, it isn't
as if I'M mocking the Society; it's Taaaaaaaasuki--bite your thumb at
him."
Mouse-chan: So, Wilfred Owen
bit his thumb at Tasuki.
Ryuen: And Tasuki was
greatly peeved.
Ryuen: (After Nuriko
explained to him what it meant.) *nod*
Mouse-chan: "#*&(@#)!&*%()^#*!@()&$*#()!@(*^*$#()&*()!!!!"
[4] he said.
Ryuen: "O.O;;" said Wilfred.
Mouse-chan: "Tasuki, go
away," Nuriko begged, "I'm waiting for Hotohori to swing by and
comfort me, after which a romantic moment will no doubt ensue!"
Ryuen: "Awww, @#(*$," Tasuki growled, "@$*&$ prince
charming's comin' over here?--and WHY THE HELL'RE ALL YOUR SOCKS
CHEESE???"
Mouse-chan: "I don't
KNOWWWWW!!!!!!!" wailed Nuriko, and immediately started crying again, as
Mouse-chan apparently is in a rather Blackbird [5] mood.
Ryuen: Myojuan, sensing
that his famed fic had been mentioned, burst in through the door, Wilfred Owen
(who really gets around--but not THAT way :P) and
Freddie [6] tagging along for fun and because they're cool and British.
Mouse-chan: "I AM NOT
MITSUKAKE!!!" Myojuan cried, tearing out his hair, and promptly collapsed
in a faint; the others remained staring at him, rather startled.
Ryuen: Tasuki,
exercising true quick-thinking under pressure, grabbed up one of Nuriko's socks
and waved it under Myojuan's nose, hoping it might revive him.
Mouse-chan: "STOP
IT," Myojuan growled firmly, but made no effort to awaken, obviously in
need of a nap.
Ryuen: Wilfred Owen,
having been inspired by the sight of so much cheese where once there had been
socks, thought it would be a splendid metaphor for something deep and
meaningful, and curled up in the corner to write.
Mouse-chan: And in walked
Sigfried Sassoon [7] to make him rewrite it again.
Ryuen: Freddie, having
been tragically ignored up to this point in the story, slipped out the door to
try to track down Hotohori, who surely should've arrived already.
Mouse-chan: However, he was
distracted by a Hamlet movie poster [8], and remained staring up at it
for days, pondering the meaning of life.
Ryuen: Meanwhile,
Hotohori had finally arrived, having stopped off on the way for a quick
manicure; he took the stairs to wherever it was that Nuriko lived two at a
time, filled with urgency, and moments later had skidded to a halt just outside
the door, where Freddie stood talking calmly to a movie poster.
Mouse-chan: "Er...are you all right?" Hotohori asked, momentarily
slipping in his concern for Nuriko when confronted by a clear case of insanity.
Ryuen: Freddie,
still clad in his Blackbird-esque psychiatrist's coat, gave the emperor a brief
glance, a smile, and a nod, before returning his attention to the movie
poster.
Mouse-chan: Hotohori
shrugged, and burst through the door into Nuriko's apartment.
Ryuen: ...and stopped,
stunned, as the following scene came into view in front of him: Tasuki
was currently assaulting Myojuan, who lay on the floor, with a hunk of cheese,
Nuriko was wailing in the corner, and Wilfred Owen and Siegfried Sassoon were
munching on crumpets and discussing how tragic it truly was that their
friendship received so little screentime in "Behind the Lines." [9]
Mouse-chan: "Dear
me," thought Hotohori, and sighed at this perfect example of the
deterioration of modern society.
Ryuen: Wilfred Owen
thought this was a fine line, and decided to interject it somehow into his
cheese poem.
Mouse-chan: Whereupon Siggie
ordered him to spell "cheese" with a Z, and a great ruckus ensued.
Ryuen: Ignoring
the ruckus, Hotohori made his way across the room to where Nuriko stood wailing
and, sparkling with all his might, took the smaller seishi gently by the
shoulders.
Mouse-chan:
"Hotohori-samaaaaaaaa!" Nuriko sobbed, seeing a squiggly emperor
through his tears, "my socks are cheeeeeeeese!"
Ryuen:
"Uhhhhh," Hotohori said eloquently, "i-indeed they are."
Mouse-chan: "I don't
know how this haaaaaappeeeeeened!" Nuriko continued, beginning to flood
the kitchen.
Ryuen: Deciding that
this was a job beyond even the power of the Sparkles, Hotohori instead opted
for the never-yet-failed hugging tactic; the flood already beginning to creep
up towards his expensive imperial robes, Hotohori wrapped his arms around
Nuriko and pulled him close, smoothing the hair back from his forehead and
murmuring soothing words.
Mouse-chan: "It's okay," he said, "I'll get you new socks;
don't cry, Nuriko, for I am here!"
Ryuen: Tears still
glistening in his eyes, Nuriko pulled back from Hotohori and stared up into his
face, hoping that whoever's turn it was to write the next sentence might favor
him with a nice chaste Hotohori kiss.
Mouse-chan: Since Mouse-chan
and Ryu-chan were both staring at him with murderous eyes, Hotohori thought it
would be best to honor their request, and kissed Nuriko, whom he actually loved
anyway.
Ryuen: Nuriko, drunk
with power, next prayed that one of the authoresses might grace him with two
plane tickets to Holland [10], as well as a white tuxedo and purple tie.
Mouse-chan: And it was done.
Ryuen: And because
Ryu-chan's brother was demanding that she remove herself from the computer as
quickly as possible, the following occurred: Nuriko and Hotohori were
married in a beautiful Dan/Greggish ceremony [11] in Holland, and all in
attendance clapped and cheered etc., except for Wil and Siggie, who were
writing furiously, having been inspired by the cool light-up tables.
Mouse-chan: Waaai!
Ryuen: ^___^. The end.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A Guide To Inside Jokes and British War Poet References:
1. Cheese
– No excuse or explanation for this. Mouse-chan is simply one seishi
short of a Summoning Ceremony, if ya get my drift. ^__~. Love ya,
Mouse-chan!! Aren'tcha glad ya let ME do this part??
2. Wilfred
Owen – A famous British poet who fought
during the Great War. Will abandoned the path of love for the sake of his
poetry, and was extremely obsessive about becoming famous. To check out
some of his poems, goooooo here:
http://www.geocities.com/~bblair/owenidx.htm (Wilfred may or may
not be skilled in the area of cheese and cheese knowledge. It remains one
of History's Mysteries.)
3. Capitalization
After A Comma – It's true!! "Who" shouldn't be capitalized. It's only capitalized if it's starting a
new sentence, and given that there's a comma, thus CONTINUING the sentence, ya
keep it lowercase. .......what? :P
4. #*&(@#)!&*%()^#*!@()&$*#()!@(*^*$#()&*() -
Unfortunately, there is no literal translation for this. The gist of it,
however, is as follows: "Oh, dear me, I'm terribly insulted; you are
remarkably rude." *nod*
5. Blackbird – In this, one
of Mouse-chan's many lovely fics, Ryuuen tends to cry and be hugged a lot—but
dear God, he's suffered so greatly that he neeeeeeeeds to cry and be
hugged!! Incidentally, Blackbird also stars Myojuan Yamada
(e.g., Mits) as a sarcastic and compassionate psychiatrist, who is rather
deeply in denial concerning his state of reincarnation.
6. Freddie – Another
character from Blackbird, Freddie is an entertaining English chap who
also happens to be a psychiatrist. He's wicked cool. ^_~.
7.
Siegfried Sasson – Yet another famous British poet who fought during the Great
War. Aside from his sarcastic war poetry, Siggie is famous for making a
declaration against the war which landed him in a hospital for shell
shock. There, he met Wilfred Owen, who greatly admired Siggie and
eventually got him to help him write his own poems. The friendship of these two men is documented
in the book Regeneration, by Pat Barker, and the subsequent film version
of the book, Behind the Lines.
(Historical
Note: While many believe Wilfred Owen to have been homosexual, Mouse-chan
pleads otherwise. The poor guy simply chose not to pursue any kind of
love in favor of concentrating on his work. Just because he did not
pursue women does not make him gay, because there is no evidence that he
pursued men, either. So really, we don't know for sure. And we all
know Mouse-chan is not biased when it comes to this sort of thing. ^_~)
(Second Note:
Siggie really was gay, though. Eheh.)
8. Freddie
& Hamlet: Whaaaat's the Connection? – Both
are mentioned in this fic.
..........................w-why're you looking at me like that?? That's
all it is!! Really! <.<;; >.>;;;
9. Behind
the Lines – [See #7, Siegfried Sassson, for details.]
10. Holland
– As
Another Story teaches us, Holland is a place where gay people can get
married! Legally! Woo! ^___^.
11.
"Dan/Greggish Ceremony" - Did
anybody else but us watch Gay Weddings when it was on Bravo a few weeks
ago?? Eeheee. Anyway, the basic premise of
the show was that the camera crew followed around four gay couples intending on
getting married, and the show ended when all of them were wedddd. Out of
all the ceremonies, the one of Dan and Gregg (who were
suuuuuch a sweet couple, by the way, and leaaaagues more in love than the OTHER
male couple, cough. cough.) was the one we liked the best. Verrrrry beautiful. *nod* The
reception was held in a huge hall, and the tables were glassy and lit up—hence
the illuminated tables reference. *nod*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~