Weeks8

Well, I did it again! Skipped a week!

Ya' know Time is a very funny thing, I don't understand how 2 weeks can fly by so quickly without me simply updating my journal, but at the same time.....it seems like time is standing still and this pregnancy is already taking forever! I cannot believe I am only 9 weeks along. I feel like I should be half way there already! I guess that's what happens when you have baby thoughts in your head 24/7. Thoughts of the new baby and thoughts of the baby that is supposed to be with me right now.

New Years has come and gone and I can only pray that this year's pregnancy will end in a much different way than last year's. I had a difficult time saying goodbye to 2001, which really surprised me because all I could do for weeks was wish it to be over and think about how much better it will be just to be in a new year.

December 31st came and all of a sudden this depression came over me. I felt like I was saying goodbye to more than just 2001, I was saying another goodbye to Faith and felt as though I was leaving her behind. Time and Life will keep on moving forward but the moment we had with our little girl will forever be in the past and we will never be in "her year" again.

The only thing I could think to do was go to the cemetary. So I did and once again had a long talk with Faith and let myself have a good cry. Then I went home and we had the quietest New Years we've had in a long time. I was asleep by 10pm and Jim had to wake me up at 11:59 to see the ball drop on TV in NYC. It was OK though because I was still trying to get over my cold and neither one of us was in a celebrating mood.

This week our new little one gave us quite a scare. And I thought that the worst had happened. I went to the bathroom one night and when I looked at the toilet paper there was red blood all over it. I started screaming, "I'M BLEEDING! I'M BLEEDING!", and Jim came running into the bathroom. I got up and we both looked in the toilet and there is was...a bunch of red blood. I totally lost my mind and started frantically saying, "We have to go to the hospital!", and then it turned into "This isn't happening! This can't happen again!".

Once I wasn't so hysterical we called the doctor's office only to find out that my doctor wasn't on call and the doctor that was Jim and I really don't care for. So, I called my doctor at home, (She gave me her home number once and I am sure she will now regret it!!) but she wasn't home. So I called the office back and left a message for the doctor on call to call me back and I also left a message at my doctor's house to call me when she got in. After speaking with boht of them we opted not to go to the hospital but rather to go in for an ultrasound the next morning. I wasn't bleeding anymore and my doctor seemed to think it may have just been a blood vessel that broke.

We went in for an ultrasoud the next morning and luckily the tech was very nice. He did both a regular ultra sound and a transvaginal ultra sound. We were asking him so many questions but he had no problems answering them all. The baby was so so small. It was like a little gray blob on the screen. At one point the tech said that he saw the heartbeat and we thought he was crazy. Right when he said it Jim saw it but I couldn't so he magnified it for me a few times and sure enough there it was! I couldn't believe it! It was so tiny. Picture the period at the end of one of my sentences falshing on the screen, that is what it was like. But it was there and that was all that mattered to us!! The baby's nickname is now "Flicker" because the heartbeat was like a little flicker on the screen.

At the end of the ultrasound he did measurements and we found out that the baby was measuring 1 week and 1 day behind where it should have been. This terrifed me and the tech seemed concerned about it Jim was a litle more confident then I was but I had pretty much convinced myself that the bleeding must have been cause the baby stopped growing and we were going to lose the baby. The only thing we could really do was wait.

Four days later, on 1/8, I went to the doctor for what was supposed to be my inital OB but was now also a follow up from my ultrasound. We went in and I gave my name to the receptionist. She looked at her schedule and it was taking her a minute and I could see I wasn't on there. So finally she asked me what my name was again and why I was there. So I told her and then she looked at me and said, "Didn't you miscarry?". My heart dropped to the
floor! I said, "No! Not unless I don't know something about my ultrasound!". So she told me to hold on and that the doc was still there but that she was supposed to have left 15 minutes ago and she had to figure out what to do. I couldn't believe it!! Now all I could think was that we were there for some awful news that they didn't want to tell us over the phone or something.

It turns out that the receptionist thought she had overheard someone say that I had miscarried the day I went in for my ultrasound, so she cancelled my appointment. Not knowing that it was my appointment that was cancelled, my doctor then made an appointment for her self that afternoon and was supposed to have already left for it when we had gotten there. Luckily, she is wonderful and she cancelled her appointment even though she had already cancelled it several times before so that she could keep our apointment.

She did another ultrasound and even though it was just 4 days later, the baby looked bigger on the screen. It is still to early to make out any features but the gray "blob" was bigger. I also saw the heartbeat on the screen as soon as it came up! After she measured the baby it turns out that the baby was still behind but it had grown quite a bit since our last ultrasound and he seemed to think that everything looked good. Just what I needed to hear!!

I have since been taking it easy and it isn't hard to do seeing as this baby is determined to keep me nauseas all day, everyday!! I was joking with Jim the other day and told him that it must be a boy this time because a little girl wouldn't do this to her Mommy!!! But if being sick for 9 months is what it's gonna take to hold our healthy baby in our arms at the end, then I am perfectly prepared for it! Bring it on!