Well, I did just what I promised myself I wouldn't.....skipped a week of writing this journal.....Unfortunately, between the holidays and the cold/flu I have been fighting, I just didn't have it in me....So I will catch up on week 6 & 7 now....
The non-existant symptoms of week 5, decided to kick into high gear lately, I have had a lot of nausea, dizziness, and upset stomach. But as awful as it makes my feel, I am not complaining because it almost brings a sense that this must mean all is ok. Whether that is true or not, I don't know but anything to ease my mind is more than welcome.
I had a small scare when one morning I noticed a tiny spec of pink blood when I went to the bathroom. It was very very small, and had I not been analyzing the toilet paper like I do everytime I use the bathroom these days, I never would have seen it. I spent the rest of the day in and out of the bathroom looking for more signs that something tragic was about to happen and did have 2 more tiny specs but that was all it turned out to be. I went to every pregnancy book I have, which is about 6, and read up on spotting. It seems sometimes due to the increased blood supply to your cervix during pregnancy, sometimes tiny blood vessels can break and it is very harmless. So that's what I am guessing may have happened. There have been no other scares since.
We had decided that we would tell our family about the pregnancy on Christmas. It seemed like a perfect day to share happy and hopeful news about a new baby but.......
We just couldn't do it......when Christmas came, the more I thought about it, the time just wasn't right. We talked about it and both felt that we would be cheating Faith if we shared the news on the holiday. This Christmas was supposed to be hers with us and it was about her, not a new baby. If we told everyone, it would be taking away from the fact that she was supposed to be with us and that we were missing her this Christmas. We didn't want everyone to get all excited and think that the meaning of this Christmas without Faith was forgotten and that everything was ok again just because we are pregnant again.
So it looks like we will wait til after our 1st doctor's appointment January 8th, and then tell. My doc did call me right before Christmas just to make sure I was feeling ok and we talked for a bit so it felt good just to hear her say that everything sounds good.
Christmas afternoon, I could feel that I was getting sick. You know that tingling feeling you get in your nose and then my throat and by the end of the night my chest was sore. It is the worst being ill when you are pregnant, especially this time, because I am extra extra scared of taking any medication for it. Jim made a call to the doctor's office for me and it looks like regular Tyenol and Robitussin are OK, but so far I have been dealing without. It makes me too nervous and although there is probably not a risk there, I just don't feel that it is worth it. I would worry more about the meds I took than the cold itself. So I am trying to make it through and get lots of rest.
Finances are not the best right now since I left my job managing a Baby Store after we lost Faith and took a big paycut to take a less stressful job, in a "healthier" environment emotionally. So I have been working while I have been sick, but finally today it caught up with me and I just had to call out.
At 9am, I found myself flipping the TV station to TLC, to watch "A Baby Story", a show I watched faithfully while I was pregnant with Faith. I have not watched it since we lost her, nor any other show having to do with pregnancy, birth, or babies for that matter. It is just too painful to even think about it. I don't know how I did it, but today I made it through 2 whole 1/2 hr episodes! I have to admit I am very proud of myself and see it as a big step,not just in healing from our loss, but also as a sign that I am starting to "feel" and believe I am pregnant. I really surprised myself. The only difficult thing was while they were in the hospital and they would show the fetal heartbeat monitor, it brought me back to the 2 days I was in the hospital beofre they opted to do my c-section. They were trying to induce labor so I would deliver Faith and I was in a labor and delivery room....They had a screen up where you could see all of the heart monitors of all of the women in labor on the floor. Each of them had 2 lines, one for the mom and one for baby and you could see changes when they would have contractions and go through their birth. I just remember how sad and distraught I was because my monitor was the only one on the screen with only 1 line, it was a constant reminder of why I was there and that my little one was gone. It's weird how sometimes certain memories can hurt so badly and it can so vividly seem like you are reliving them over again.
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