I suddenly realized at my doctor's appointment a few days after my ultra-sound that I am really going to be 20 weeks this week.... half way there! I cannot believe it... I have so many mixed emotions about it... I am so thrilled to be half way there and that the little one is doing so well...but then my fears kick in and I think well Faith was always doing wonderfully until the week we lost her...
I have now hit the stillbirth phase... 20 weeks is the cut off between what is considered a mis-carriage and stillbirth... no matter what happens I will be delivering this baby. As hard as the first half of this pregnancy was... I am realizing that I am going into the harder part.... I don't know how I am going to get through my 26 - 27th weeks (when we lost Faith)...... It feels surreal that that time is creeping up on us again already.
When I go to the cemetary, I have thought about how we would deal with Faith's brother or sister being there with her... what if that happened to us again and I am visiting 2 children at the cemetary!!! But then I force myself to snap out of it... It is just hard to truly be excited about all of these milestones when my last child was perfectly normal and healthy and she just had an accident with her cord!
It scares me to think about my little one doing circles in there. What if this one does it too... sigh.... I keep invisioning walking around my block late this summer with our little one in the carriage... and after we lost Faith I kept having day dreams and visions about this summer and walking to the cemetary to show Faith her new sibling and thank her... so I guess that is a good sign of things to come....
Also, I went snooping on the Pregnancy December Due Dates board (the internet board I used to go on when I was pregnant with Faith) to see what the doins were over there and discovered.... that the time has come!! Somebody has my due date (with Faith) of 12/7... I always have kind of dreaded this day and always thought that the site of the December board filling up again would throw me into a deep depression but to my surprise it has done just the opposite.
It has given me another opportunity for closure... no longer does that date hang over my head and now it is for somebody else's dream... I guess the thought of that board no longer being "the board I used to be on" and we are on to a new year brought me some relief...
When I saw the date 12/7 with an unfamiliar name next to it... I just sighed and then actually smiled...
Once again my little girl is watching out for me! |
