Have a Little Faith
Chapter 42

Notes on songs used: Since Yesterday  by Strawberry Switchblade
The Way by Fastball
Paint it Black by the Rolling Stones

It was back to the bed for the next few days.  Lindsey went to Cordelia’s side, hugged the pillow, took in her scent and stayed there.

Doyle stood by the door that allowed the only light into the room.  The shades were down again.  He watched them.  He had gotten worried about them.  Faith and Lindsey were dwelling to much in the death.  It had been several days with them showing any signs of improvement.

Faith had put on the radio.  It was on low so Doyle could barely hear the song.

And as we sit here alone,
Looking for a reason to go on
It’s so clear that all we have now
Are our thoughts of yesterday.

“I’m gonna stay here, tonight, again, okay?” he said, not sure why else he could say.  He guessed all he could do was be here for them.  There was nothing he could do to snap them out this rut.  He decided to let them have an entire week.  If they showed no sign on improving, he would have to get more aggressive.

“Sure,” Faith said.  She got into bed and laid on her back on the bed.  She closed her eyes and pretended to sleep.  “You stay here for as long as you want for all eternity if you like.”

“Call me if you need anything.” Doyle said, not liking Faith’s tone of voice.  She seemed uninterested in his concern.

“Good night, Doyle,” she said, with condescend in her voice.

“Good night, darling,” he said and closed the door.

“Good night Lindsey,” Faith whispered.  Lindsey did not respond.  He was not sleeping, but he was not listening either.

A loud thunderclap broke his sleep.  He had never gotten asleep fully.  He lingered on in that twilight stage.

“Cordelia?” he called out and tried to wrap his arm around her, but there was only empty space.  He was on her side of the bed and had reached out for empty air.  Lindsey got up.  He suddenly felt cold although the thunderstorm had made the apartment humid.  He looked to his side of the bed and saw Faith was sleeping there.  Everything that had happened in the past week seemed a blur.  He did not believe it was reality.  In a moment he would wake up back on his side of the bed, kiss his wife who would mumble that she wanted to sleep.

But he looked to his side of the bed.  He was not sleeping there.  The lightening revealed that that this was reality.  Faith was on his side of the bed.  He looked over Faith.  He touched the side of her dark brown hair.  She had been with him since the very beginning.  She had confidence in him and believed that he was not a monster.  Cordelia had thought so too.  How come they could not see the truth?

Faith opened her eyes and looked at him with concern. “Lindsey,” she said, her voice a whisper she sat up to meet him.  Lightening struck again and when the thunder sounded, he moved closer to her and kissed her on the lips.  Faith kissed him back.  This was all she ever wanted, but it was wrong, she knew it.  She pushed him away gently.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“No,” she said.  “Not this way.”

“Not what way?”

“Not while you’re in this condition.”

Lindsey looked down.  “But the pain—it’s so overwhelming.  I can’t bare it.  Faith, I need you.  I need something to make the pain go away.”

Faith touched his shoulder.  Lindsey pulled her close, but not to kiss again.  He hugged her tightly and started crying.

“Not like this.  Not this way now.  It will only make things worse.”  Lindsey pulled away from her abruptly.

“Hey,” she said.  “I’m sorry.  I— I’ve always wanted to, but I can’t.  I’m not her replacement.  You gotta be over her.”

“I’ll never be over her,” he said and wiped away his tears.  He needed to stop crying.  He did not deserve emotions.  He deserved to be the way he was while working with Wolfram and Hart, cold and calculating.

“We’re gonna make this better.”

“How?” he asked.  “We can’t bring them back and we still have to save that bastard.”

Faith jumped up.  Lightening flashed again. “You know how?  First I’m gonna take out the guy who killed them that’s how.  I’ll do that for you.  Torch him, stake him whatever it takes.  Fuck him.  Cordelia and Wesley are dead and he’s alive.  He shouldn’t be.”

“You can’t.”

“Fuck it, Lindsey.  I’ll take his place.  I’m stronger than he is.  We ain’t ever gonna give him back his soul.”

“I mean, you can’t do it alone,” he explained.  “I want to come with you.”

Faith sighed.  She wanted Lindsey out of danger.  “You can’t.  It’s to dangerous.”

“I don’t care.  Angelus has to die.”

Faith looked at the dresser. She saw the wedding photo.  She could never make Lindsey as happy as Cordelia did.

Lindsey got up out of the bed and walked over to her.  He touched her shoulders.

“I can’t lose you too,” she said, looking in the mirror.

“And I can’t go on without you.  We have to destroy him Faith.  He’s evil.  There are plenty of other vampires out there who might have been good people before they were turned.  Let one of them take Angelus’ place.  He’s going to go after the others next.  He’s not going to stop until we are all dead.”

“I know.”

“It’s going to be hard to go after Angelus,” Lindsey said.  “He’s strong and he’ll have Wolfram and Hart behind him.”

 Faith smiled.  “He wants to get us through our family.”

“I know.”

“Then let’s get him through his.”

Holland did not like that the big bosses kept wanting to see him.  This time it had been Nathan Reed, his direct superior.  Apparently the people upstairs were not to happy about the loss of information that would lead them to the seer children and that Angelus had not yet killed the slayer.

“Holland,” Nathan said and Holland could tell he was not happy.  “I thought Mr. Acrey was clear about this.”

“Sir,” Holland said and smiled.  “I assure you Angelus will kill Faith.  It’s only a matter of time.  He’s already killed her watcher and Lindsey’s wife.  He just wants them to suffer a little bit.”

Reed still did not look happy or convinced.  “The longer they are alive, the more trouble that they will be for us.”


“Holland, things are not looking good for you—“

“What?” Holland said, allowing shock to escape into his calm demeanor.

“You cannot control Angelus.  Lindsey McDonald was betraying us for months and you did not know about it.   You really want us to have the reputation that we allow our employees to leave under their own volition?”

“No sir.”

Reed stood up.  “I need this problem dealt with, Holland, sooner rather than later.  You do want that promotion to upstairs don’t you?”

“Yes, sir,” Holland said.

“In the meantime, I will assist you on this project.”

“Assist?” Holland did not like what that meant.  When supervisors took over a project, it often meant someone on the staff died.

Doyle was fast asleep and snoring on the couch when Faith and Lindsey sneaked passed him.  Both were dressed in black.  The thunderstorm had ended and dawn was approaching.

They planned to spend the morning and afternoon gathering information on the whereabouts of Angelus and at night they would stake him and all of his children.  Not only that, but they wanted to destroy Wolfram and Hart as well.

Doyle did not stir when they walked passed them or when the door opened with a creak or footsteps as they went downstairs.

When they got to the office, they did not pause to look at it.  They both headed downstairs to the training room to stock up on weaponry.

The downstairs room was eerie.  Faith had trained here almost everyday with Wesley.  She had not been in it for more than a week.  It was dark; neither of them had turned on the light.  The only light they had was from the approaching dawn.  It made the room look gray.

“Here,” Faith said, handing Lindsey a crossbow.  “I don’t want you to do any hand to hand combat.”

Lindsey nodded and took the crossbow and spare arrows.  He placed it in his knapsack.

“And some holy water and a cross,” she said, handing it to him.  “If we have to fight, I want you behind me, okay?”

Lindsey nodded again. He looked down.  Everything they were doing seemed unreal, but they had to get rid of Angelus; Angelus, who had killed Cordelia, and took his life away.  He could not let him get to the other important woman in his life and his friends.

Faith filled her bag with stakes, holy water and crosses.  She only planned to use the stakes.  She wanted to stake Drusilla first for stabbing Lindsey, then Penn, then Alonna before she ever had a chance to meet up with Gunn and then Lee.  She wondered if she should let Lindsey kill Lee.  Or maybe she should kill whomever she could find.  Why be calculating like Angelus?

She debated heading to Sunnydale and killing Spike, but Buffy had said Spike apparently had a chip in his head and could not kill humans.  Better to let him suffer like that.

After wards, she decided, she would try to hold Angelus down so Lindsey could stake him.  Maybe they would torment him first.

She looked over to Lindsey and smiled.  She wanted him so bad, to kiss him, to touch him, but not as a consolation prize.

The sun was peaking over the horizon when they got into Lindsey’s car.  He touched the door before he opened it.

“What’s wrong?”

“I was going to sell the car, get a new apartment.  She shouldn’t have been there.  She should have been somewhere safe.”

“No,” Faith said.  “Angelus shouldn’t have been in that apartment.  Blame him, it’s his fault.”

Lindsey did not reply.  He merely opened the door.  He unlocked the passenger door and Faith got in.

Lindsey started the car.  What was he doing?  His beloved wife had died more than a week ago.  He just put her in the ground four days ago.

His thoughts were interrupted by Faith turning on the radio.

They left before the sun came up that day
They just drove off and left it all behind ‘em
But where were they going without ever
Knowing the way?

Lindsey turned off the radio.

“Hey,” Faith complained.

“Please— I just want it to be quiet.”

Faith nodded.  She did not want to argue, not over anything.

“So where are we going?” Lindsey asked as he pulled the car out of the spot.  He didn’t look, causing a passing motorist to honk.

“How far could we get into Wolfram and Hart?” she asked, ignoring what she occurred and when Lindsey slammed on the brakes.  The car jerked to a stop.  The other car zoomed passed them with the driver screaming inaudible swears.

“Not that far once the security cameras and the mind readers pick us up. Remember the security when you broke into Winter’s office. It’s doubled in the Wolfram and Hart office.”

“Then we’ll have to kill them when they leave the office.  We’ll have to kill them all.”

“Vampires leave through a special exit.  I just happen to know where it is.  I hope they haven’t moved it.”

Faith smiled.  She wanted to get rid of all the vampires so they would never harm anyone again.

Cartias was still opened at 6am.  Faith assumed that it was opened 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  However it looked like they were beginning to close up.

It was the same bouncer as before. He gave a dirty look to Faith, but this time let her in without comment.

“Give me the stake,” was the only thing he said to Faith who reluctantly did.  They had left the rest of the weapons in the car.

The walked into the bar where a chaos demon was singing Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head.  The rest of the bar looked nearly empty.

Faith made a funny face.

“Do you see him?” Lindsey asked.

Faith looked around the bar, but there was no sign of Merl.  She shook her head.  “He has a particular smell,” she said.  “Not very pleasant.  I don’t smell it now.  Of course it is 6am.  He’s probably home sleeping.”

“So let’s leave,” he said.  “I have a few more contacts.”

They turned around to leave.  The Host was standing in front of them.

“Two people, dark and scary.  Suffered a great loss and not quite thinking right.  It’s kind of early and we’re closing, I know you don’t believe we close, but there is always time for a song.”

“We were just leaving.”  Faith said, grabbing Lindsey’s wrist.

“I’m sensing some trouble,” the host said, “and I’m not talking about the game.  Hum a few bars and I can help you.”  He smiled.  “That’s what I’m here for.”

Lindsey shook his head and began to head out, but Faith pulled him back.

“You can help us find what we are looking for?” Faith asked.

The host nodded.  “Just give me a little tune.  That’s all it takes.”


“Why do I have to be the one that sings?”

“Cause I’m embarrassed.”

The host got Lindsey a stool to sit on.

“That was a very interesting selection, esquire,” the host said.  “I’ve been thinking about cutting that one from the list.”

“Well now you don’t have to,” said and nabbed the mike from him.

The music started and he took the mike.  He hunched over the mike.  He took a deep breath as the music started.

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

Faith looked over Lindsey in the stage who was near tears.  He sounded terrible because he was choked up while he sang.  He flubbed the second stanza.

“Oh shit,” she mouthed to herself.

“You can say that again,” the host said.  “I’m glad that we’re closed.”

I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facin' up when your whole world is black

Lindsey was approaching tears as he reached the next stanza.  He did all he could to choke them down.

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the settin' sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin' comes

Lindsey started getting too choked up to finish the song.  He ran from the stage dropping the mike.  The background music continued.

Lindsey was at the door when the host and Faith approached him.

The host put his hand on him.  “I’m inclined to think that you and Faith have the same thoughts.”

Lindsey nodded.  He was anxious to leave.  He could not believe he cried in front of all those people.  Lindsey McDonald never cried.

“You can’t do it.  You’ve defied everything.  This path will only lead you to darkness.”

“And so we’re supposed to just sit around while Angelus picks us off one by one,” Faith said and sorted.

“No, you're supposed to have a little faith,” the host said.  “You’ve been through something horrible and traumatic.  You’ve lost two people who would not want you to do this.”

“I’m not sure about that,” Lindsey snapped.  “If I died, I’m sure Cordelia would want my killers brought to justice.”

“Justice and murder are two very distinct things,” he explained.  “For your sakes you need to stay with your original plans.  Vengeance is your downfall.  You will regret it for the rest of your life if you kill Angelus before his task is done.”

“I’m so upset,” Lindsey said sarcastic with a little anger in his voice. “After I stake him, I’ll cry for him all night, alone in my bed.  Boohoo.”

“Lindsey—“ this came from Faith.

“You said you can help us, find us a way to get to Angelus without going through the security of Wolfram and Hart,” Faith commented.

“I can’t do that.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Sweetie, it’s the wrong path.”

“Tell me!” Faith said, nearly shouting.

“I can only tell you is that they don’t think you are a real threat and that Angelus thinks he can easily kill you.  He’s toying with you.  And in this state he will be easily be able to kill the both of you.  My advice is to go home, let your friends help you and mourn those you lost.  Stay on your path.”

“I have,” Faith said “and look what it’s done.”

Doyle woke up to use the bathroom at about 9.  He decided to check on Lindsey and Faith before he went back to sleep.

He looked over the empty bed for a long time.  They had gone to sleep around 2am.  He had gone to sleep around four and some time between 4 and now, they had both taken off.

Doyle sighed.  He hoped they had gone somewhere safe, like the cemetery.

Continued to Part 43


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