Oops
These are the things I have said or have heard people say that didn't quite come across the way they were meant to.
"Jack off today?"--Customer, asking if the store manager Jack was at work.
"I need a dog of bag food."--Customer to me.
"These are my jugs."--Customer, informing me that she had already paid for the bottles she had used for the bulk filtered water you can buy in the produce department.
"I have a photogenic memory!"--Me, during a discussion with a friend.
"Where are your nuts?"--Customer to my manager at work.
"Can someone please tell me where to stick this?"--Me, while doing shop back at work when I couldn't find where to put one of the items.
"I'll wear a long skirt or nothing at all!"--High school girl, adamantly proclaiming her views on modesty. (Hey, it was Catholic school, after all.)
"Were you a candy stripper?"--My sister to my other sister, when she saw a picture of her wearing a pink-and-white outfit.
"Isn't that a Catholic hymn?"--Guy after Bible study, when he heard a girl singing "It's a Small World."
"I'd like two decent-sized breasts."--Customer asking for deli chicken.
"Do you have any meaty breasts?"--Another customer asking for deli chicken.
"Let's get you all undressed."--Choir director, telling us to change out of our costumes into our regular clothes.
"David is a nice name. My middle name is Daniel." (pause) "Which has nothing to do with the name David."--Old college friend, during a discussion about names.
"Hi, you look just like Greg!"--Me, to Greg when I didn't quite recognize him (he's my friend's husband and he usually wears a baseball cap, but wasn't that day).
"These taste funny, and that's why I'm laughing."--Girl, eating Jolly Ranchers.
"I eat them like they're candy."--Same girl.
"I think we should hand out free Red Bull to students during finals week."--Committee member with a game plan.
"Hey, where's my rubber?"--Girl, asking for an eraser. She came from South Africa where that's what they call erasers.
"Since I work at Rainbow, can I say that we DON'T poison our food?"--Melissa, talking about her work.
"Yank it!" --Me, to my friend when he was opening the door.
"He had a baby over the summer!"--A guy in choir, motioning to another guy whose wife had a baby two weeks before class started.
"Paper or plaster?"--Girl, bagging groceries for a customer (she meant to say paper or plastic).
"Touch my nuts and die!"--My sister, warning my brother not to eat any of her cinnamon sugar almonds.
The night before my friend got married, we stopped at Wal-Mart to pick up some last minute items. Passing through the lingerie department, I pointed to a display of cute panties in different styles, and told my friend to pick out a pair she liked and I would get them for her, sort of a pre-wedding present. Her fiance was right across the aisle, and she called out to him, "Do you like this pair? They're boy shorts!" Right afterwards, I noticed a guy further away giving us a weird look and mentioned this to my friend. She looked around and asked, "Which guy?" I tried to point him out and she still couldn't see him, and at this point he was walking toward us. I told her it was the guy that was coming our way, which he overheard and said, "Yeah, it's me. I like boy shorts too!"
"We play polio every Sunday! We randomly inject people. Everyone who dies loses."--Comment at Applebee's restaurant after someone misread a sign that said "Polo Every Sunday."
One day at work, I was trying to replace the paper in the credit card maching and couldn't seem to get it, so I had to call up our manager, who fixed it without a problem. I told him, "Mark, you're a better man than I am." He laughed and said, "I'd hope so, because you're not a man!"
"I'm looking for this song I heard on the radio. It's about a girl, and a guy is singing it--do you know which one it is?"--Something my mom said.
Argument between my brother and sister:
My Sister: "Just go away and leave me ALONE!"
My Brother: "Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends?" (singing the Smashmouth song).
When I ran into a co-worker at McDonald's:
Me:"Hey Scott!"
Scott:"What are you doing here?"
Me:"Uh...getting something to eat?"
While ringing up a manager's groceries when he went on break:
Me: "Is that cereal good?"
Manager: (laughing at me) "No, it's terrible! I hate eating it!"
Conversation on the bus:
Me:(joking, to two guy friends) "Wanna come to a Mary Kay party?"
Guy #1: "Ooooh, are there gonna be girls there?"
Guy #2: "No, Joe, it's just gonna be guys!"
After our choir concert, at a friend's house:
My Friend: (while playing a computer game)"Son of a bitch!"
My Other Friend: (almost falling asleep)"Huh?!?"
Me: laughing "Do you answer to that now?"
A phone call at work one day (in this account, all names have been changed to protect the, um...innocent):
Someone who answered the phone: "Bob, you have a phone call line 00 please, Bob line 00."
Bob: (picks up the phone) "Hello?....Oh, hi....I have no idea, why don't you look on the box?....Bye."
Me: "What in the world was that about?"
Bob: (Laughing) "That was [Jim, another guy from work]. He wanted to know if lava lamps are made with real lava. I told him I didn't know."
Me:"Why did he ask you?"
Bob: "Cause I think he's high."
Conversation at school:
Me: "You might wake up dead!"
Friend: "Yeah! And if you die I'll never speak to you again!" (
While talking to a friend:
Me: "When is your anniversary?"
My Friend: "The first."
Me: "What month?"
My Friend: "Every month.
At a friend's house:
A Friend:"One time I lent out my Shrek CD to a friend to bring to band camp, but I never got it back."
Me:"That's ok, if it went to band camp you probably don't want it back."
Phone call from a parent, wishing to speak to a student with the surname of Sexauer:
Parent: "Do you have a Sexauer there?"
Teacher: "Sex hour? We don't even get a coffee break!"
(Courtesy my friend Melissa.)
On the bus one day, during a discussion of religion, magic, and miracles:
Friend #1: "I'm Wiccan."
Me: "Is it true you guys practice spells?"
Friend #2:"Magic is pretty much the same as miracles. So when you do a spell, then you've committed a miracle."
Friend #1:"Well, yeah, kinda."
Me:"Performing! Not committing!"
At a committee meeting, where I needed to get names of all new members:
Me: "What's your name?"
New Member: "John Smith."
Me: "No, really, what's your name?"
New Member: (puzzled) "No, it really is John Smith!"
While talking about clothes:
Melissa: "Chris, brown shoes really don't go with black pants."
Chris: "Oh. I wore them because they match the ground."
I was almost done with my shift, and was in the office to count down. This was a hot day, last summer, and it was almost 9:00, and we were all tired. A coworker came into the office to buy some change for his drawer, and while the manager got it for him, he stood in the doorway and gave me a hard time. To apologize, he said to me, "I'm not this sarcastic to normal people." I replied, "Pardon me?" He started laughing and said, "I mean, I'm not normally this sarcastic to people!" Remember, we were all tired. Made the last few minutes of my day a little bit more fun.
My sister works as a shelver at our local library, and people often come up to her and ask where certain books are located. One day, a patron approached her and said, "Excuse me, do you have books about rattlesnakes?" My sister led her over to the area where books about all types of snakes are kept and said, "Here are all our books about snakes. Books about rattlesnakes will be mixed in with all the other ones." The patron looked at her, and said, "I said real estate, not rattlesnakes."
A coworker of mine was waiting on a customer, and while she was at work, her son came in to talk to her. When he left, my coworker meant to say "Thank you" to the customer and "I love you" to her son. Instead, she told her son good-bye, and then turned around and said "I love you" to the customer.
The customer replied, "It would be nice to at least know your name!"
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