School: Alex attended Kings all his life so it is no surprise that he is a raving homosexual.
Position: His sexuality is one of the reasons he enjoys being a hooker and packing down with the lads.
Most Embarrassing Moment: Cracking a fat at the first scrum on Saturday.
Form: Despite being bent throws the ball in straight remarkably well.
Comment: Take care in the showers lads when Alex drops the soap.
Drinking Form: Has been working on it in the off season so we are looking for an improvement this season.
It seems as though the only reason Ben is allowed to play for the Cougars is because his Dad is the coach. That's right! Daddy's little boy can do no wrong and hence he prances on to the field week in and week out.
He would try and make you believe that he can actually co-ordinate jumping and catching at number two, the shortest distance in the lineout. However it is the view of myself, and most of the team, that his grandmother would have more of a show trying to catch with her tits.
It's not that ironic then that another of his nicknames is "Tits" or "Titties".
How does this wash with the boys you ask? Well as long as his girlfriend's sister continues her support, they allow him to play.
As for how long, well that is the question.
2002 sees this once vigilant and aggressive tight forward lose all of his street cred as he cowardly retreats to the sanctuary of the wing.
Many have suggested that this is to emulate the feats of his favorite football hero- and near namesake- John Hoppowate. Others reckon that it is because he just wants to be close to the sideline contingent of tight black pants and crop tops.
The team doesn't seem to mind too much- as the sight of an ex-lock trying to gun it down the sideline is one of the funniest things in U85 rugby. You can clearly see Fraser reminding himself to attempt a sidestep as opposed to going with his instinct and trying to run over his opposite.
He has been quoted as saying that his main goal this season is to combine with Mr Macredie and Mr Muir to become 'the most feared back 3 combination in the Auckland U85 competition'.
Who says that rugby players don't have a sense of humour?
Position and Role: Tight forward, lock, jumps number 4 in the lineout. Being one of the heavier players in the team taking the hit-ups and staunch on defense. Locks in the new era of rugby are mobile around the paddock and can foot it with most players on the field no matter if they are a winger or a hooker.
Actual Gameplay: Being one of the fat bastards on the field, Petey never makes it to a breakdown in time. When he does get there he leans in the scrums, and he still expects the poor pricks, behind and in front, to lift him in the lineouts. In open play you will often catch him on the wing, not because he has the inside knowledge on cover defence, but because he cannot be fagged running to the rucks and mauls. On attack you may catch him seagulling on the wing bombing certain tries (Pakuranga 2001), or he could be running along the sideline blowing kisses to his adoring fans, or fan (Wink, wink, kiss kiss).
Brawling Ability: Locks are known through the rugby world to be fighters and nigglers, always putting the opposition forwards on the back foot with their constant niggle and talk.
Actual Ability: You might catch him fighting once in a while on the wing, but the only fight documented in the Cougar archives is a fight with a little 5ft, 45kg ginger guy from Grammar-Carlton. In that fight he got a smack in the ear and spent the next four months complaining of headaches and taking days off work. I think he even went to the extent of having a brain scan to make sure everything was alright (Robin Brooke would be proud of you Big Guy).
Drinking Ability: Hard man on the field = hard man on the piss.
Actual Ability: Drinks like a flower, bring a pillow if he ever, by some miracle, is player of the day, as he will probably finish it just in time for Wednesday night training. Two beers and that's his night, he will end up ballroom dancing all the way home.
Summary: Very important part of the team (I think), used to make up the numbers, who knows what will happen now that we have five locks.
"GOD LOVES A TRYER"
A man with serious issues. Dominic is often frustrated with his Saturday hair days and is a man to watch. It seems good hair doesn't come without a bit of criticism and Dom is often forced to defend those lovely blonde highlights.
As a team we recommend that Dominic's anger would be well calmed by a little less time in the salon and a little more time at training. Dominic, a hard hitting, smooth operating, tight forward with a desire to protect his hair's honour.
Nice one you big girlie blouse!
Rohan McKain, otherwise known as Rosie, really is an asset to the Cougar's side. Better known as the 'human cannonball' Rosie is sent out to scud missile any opposition player he can get near - inevitably headfirst.
Team mates have taken to wearing kidney guards to protect them in rucks from the rampaging Rosie, who seems to lose his ability to distinguish between colours as soon as he steps on the field. This uncompromising approach of Rosies has had unfortunate consequences for the man, who has been knocked out as many times as Jonty has left the field before half time. It seems to be a favorite pastime of his, even managing to knock himself out running into a tackle pad at training (with a bit of help from Horner). To stick up for the guy, he does have a little less to protect him on top, and has taken to wearing headgear to compensate.
All in all, when he's conscious, Rosie is a great team man. Ever reliable and committed, you can be assured of him turning up to at least two trainings a season. A foundation member of the Cougars, he's learned his rugby lessons the hard way. Pity that he struggles to remember them, which may have something to do with him flatting with Alex.
"They breed 'em hard in South Africa - YEAH RIGHT!!"
It has already become evident in these, the very early stages of the season, that although most of us only need a pair of boots and a ball to rustle up a game, our own hypochondriac "Jonty the Great" requires a little more than just this.
One would have thought that with the amount of curls covering the top of his "egg shell" head that it would at least give him half a game on the field. Yet, even after the shoulder pads, two pairs of headgear, special dentistry designed mouthguard and his two optically advanced colour-enhancing contact lenses being fitted carefully before taking to the field, Dr. Rivelland still somehow manages to get the call to the Emergency Room at some stage before half time to tend to himself.
"Phil", he says, "That guy just hit me from behind and I can't see the bottom left of my screen. The pixels have gone all blurry."
"Dad - Could you bring another set of contacts down for me? I can't see my peka."
To his credit, when he does manage to stay on the paddock, Jonty is a lean and mean straight-running machine, busting through the first line of defence on many an occasion, not stopping to see if Macca is alright after also taking him out on his way through. Then there's defence. If Trev coached the All Blacks, Jonty would be there on the fact that 'He's got the best tackle in the game' as is often brought to our attention as Jonty shows us "How it's done" on the tackle bags at training.
A bit more Kiwi mongrel and hard-nosed attitude might sort this pussy out and who knows, he might even make it to the second half one day.
(NOTE: Jonty, if you are having trouble reading this, adjust your pixels to 256 Colour mode - Your 32-bit digitally enhanced system may prove too superior for this level of technology.)
Position: Desperate Back, will play anywhere.
History: Arapere had his glory days at halfback for some 1st XV at a school no one has heard of because it's not Grammar, Kings or St Kents.
Current Form: After rupturing his hamstring in our warm-up game, Dan has been furiously working on his ball handling in front of a few "movies" in the weekend.
Prospects: At this rate it will be a good season for Dan to meet the lad's girlfriends on the sideline. Could see some game time at halfback if Reeves, Simon and Sang all get knocked out in the same game.
Position: Backline General, or midfield wuss! Capable of coming into position anywhere, still keeping his uniform spotlessly clean. Napi-san has nothing on Gazza.
General Playing Characteristics: Smooth running style of a Rolls Royce, a ridiculously big sidestep, and kicks like a mule. On his day, his hands are like greased lightening - which can be fatal for the receiver of the 'Ward 4' pass. This is all very good stuff, until the tackling side of his game becomes exposed. While he kicks like a mule, he tackles like one of Carla's kittens - isn't that cute? His first reaction is to look either side for someone else to do it. If that fails, he tried to hug and waltz the opposition player into submission.
After Match: After the game is where Gazza comes into his own. After hearing nothing from their backline General all game, his team mates are stunned by his volubility during the fines session afterwards, where everyone feels the lash of his tongue as he picks up the flaws in everyone elses game. Good stuff mate!!
Craig is one of the big men in the team, slightly overweight but we won't chuck him yet. As well as this, he has brought a few important connections to the team.
Craig has volunteered to host a team dinner at his Thai restaurant. This should be carnage, sorry Craig. Beware, as he is a cop, and so don't mess unless you want to be under arrest. With his experience on the beat, he is a team player and a fellow not to be messed with on the field.
Craig is an illusive player when he gets that arse moving, which can be quite scary for the opposition. His drinking credentials have plenty of room for improvement, and this is an aspect you can be assured the team will help with throughout the year. As one of the hundred locks in our team, he is starting to show he is a man not to tussle with, as a lineout forward and a defensive player. Running into Craig would be like running into a riot squad. However, like most players, there is room for improvement.
Craig remains a promising player as long as we don't meet up with the Flying Squad anytime soon. So 'WATCH' out or you will be flattened!
Roshan, a.k.a. Alfonso Ribeiro, has been a player of Hollywood far longer than for the Cougars. He grew up in and around the showbiz scene, and in landing the role as the geeky , rich boy, Carlton Banks on the hit television show, The Fresh Prince, Roshan was on the fast track to super stardom. For the first few seasons life could not be sweeter. He was comfortable with his role and audiences sympathised with him, in his losing battle alongside Will Smith. His personal life did not need any sympathy, as rumours spread over his sexual antics with every member of the shows cast. It was not until the sixth season that things boiled over for Roshan. His non-existant film career was constantly compared to the flourishing Will Smith, and when two engaged in a fist fight on the set, Mr. Smith toyed with Roshan's laughable reach and proceeded to beat the shit out of him. The downward spiral continued, and like most hotshot celebs on their way down, Roshan found solitude at the bottom of a bourbon bottle and the end of a rolled up twenty dollar bill.
While holidaying in Auckland, he again fell in with the wrong crowd. This time in the form of University Law Students. His instant popularity made him a certainty for the President of the Law Society, and his stoutness, often the bane of his existance, became the cornerstone of an impenitrible force; the Cougars scrum.
It has been a hell of a journey for Roshan. From the dizzying heights of television super stardom, to the depths of despair and back again. He is comfortable with his current situation, away from the limelight, and a complete facial reconstruction has rapidly decreased his, once uncontrollable, popularity with the ladies. He takes pleasure in the simple things; a solid workout, an aftermatch jug, and a court session with his teammates. The complexity of the man, with his charming off-field wit and undoubted proping ability, is what makes him a solid member of the Cougars' lineup.
Kerry is now enjoying his second season with the infamous Cougars. After turning up out of the blue last season, "The Mumbler", as he is now known, has near cemented his place within the Cougar back three.
Playing at either wing of fullback, Mumbles has shown that he has pace to burn and is solid as a rock on defence, but it appears that Kerry's goal kicking ability has brought him to prominence in recent weeks.
After teasing the team (& spectators) with a near flawless goal kicking display against Tamaki, Mumbles stepped up to the plate against the Daddy's Axes with all the confidence in the world, but unfortunately he was unable to deliver, bombing a near gift three pointer from out the front of the sticks.
In the past, Kerry has been a keen team member but his commitment this season has a few of the boys talking. It appears that Kerry has shown that he is a true South Islander by making a half-hearted attempt at coming out of the closet. It seems that the thrill of wearing tight little shorts and climbing onto another males back is more appealing to Kerry than rugby training!!!
His preference to Aussie Rules aside, The Mumbler is one of many beer drinking, rugby playing Cougars who will undoubtedly lead the Cougars to victory.
Position - Number 8
Joel has been an intrical part of the Cougars team for a few years now. However the last couple of seasons Joel has struggled to meet the cruel weight restriction of the 85kg class. At 5 foot 2 inches, Joel struggles to keep his weight under 90kg. This gives him the stature of a barrel and he is often seen rolling around the field. Some key reasons for weight gain can be identified. Joel is a Policeman, which means half price McDonalds and discounts off other fast food services such as BK and KFC. The managers at such establishments have told me that they see Joel so much that they would be happy to write him a reference if ever needed. Joel is like a hobbit, he must eat 5-7 times a day. And we are not talking about snacks, these are full meals that would make Jonah proud.
It has been identified that Joel has a rugby running style all to himself. He is the only player I have ever seen bend over and stare at the ground as he runs at the opposition. Last year Joel decided that he would kick the ball on occasions which made him look less than glamorous. I am happy to report that I have not seen Joel kick the ball once this year, which is a credit to him as a player. His hands however have been a little suspect. I believe this to be caused by his extremely short fingers. If you check them out you will quickly realise that they were made for computer console playing, not rugby. And boy have they taken a pounding. If you look closely you may even be able to see the playstation X imprinted into his thumb.
Joel's discipline has been impeccable this year. This can only mean one or two things a) he is getting soft in his old age or b) he may be getting sex every now and then (you decide). It's not just the opposition he used to piss off, it's the refs as well. I would like to bring your attention to a game last year where Joel put us on the wrong side of the ref before we had even started the game. We hadn't warmed up and he sought to tell the ref that we needed more time. The ref said "no" and Joel replied "well it will be on your head then if the players get injured."
In all seriousness Joel is a vital part of the team. He is known for his bustling runs, hard tackles and leadership. He's never afraid to get amongst it and his loyalty is second to none. It's great to have you on board for another year Donut Boy. Keep up the good work.
Position: Midfield Backs
Height: 5'10
Weight: Everyone hassles me for being over 100kgs but I think I'm about 95kg. (Ed note: keep dreaming buddy, that's on a good day)
Favorite Player: Justin Marshall, Ruben Thorne, Scott Robinson, actually I really love the whole Canterbury rugby team. (Ed note: on ya mate)
Favorite Food: KFC - 3 piece quarter pack. (Ed note: Macca still lives in hope that the 4-piece quarter pack will be invented)
Favorite Movie: Anything Michaela says is good, I've never been able to make my mind up so she always does it for me. (Ed note:???)
Hobbies: Starlight walks along the beach, when the sand runs through your toes and you can look up and see how beautiful the full moon is. (Ed note: that must be a Canterbury thing)
Career Ambition: To own my own franchise of KFC which has the added extra of being licenced so that you can have a can of lion red with your meal.
Drinking Form: Pretty good I think. (Ed note: I've seen him put away the odd 18 pack or two, but seems to save it only for special occasions these days, but the potential is still there)
Chances of lasting the season without blowing his knee out: The same as me ever making my mind up whether I'm going to go to Ireland or not. (Ed note: In other words sweet f**k all)
On-field Form: (From Ed) Is an important cog in the overall team with strong tackling and running. A true competitor and personifies the hard nosed never say die attitude of the Cougars. He definately brings up the average to the teams "smartest team in the league tag". Wears so much protective gear or bandages that it is difficult to tell what actual colour his skin is.