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What the End of Speech Means for Me: 1. I never have to file again. Very bien. 2. I never have to give another speech on Sleep Deprivation, Obesity, Vladimir Putin or ROBOTS IN SPACE! 3. Every speech I give from now on will require time signals and be approximately 5 to 7 minutes in length, with a 30 second grace period. 3.5. Every future speech will also include cited information from the Economist, regardless of whether or not it pertains to my speech, and some sort of weird analogy in my intro. 3.8. I never again have to count the words on my index card...though, undoubtedly, all my index cards will have exactly 50 words. 4. I will never again have to wait an hour and 35 minutes for Roashan in order to eat. 5. Wil will probably continue to call me multiple times whether or not I am standing right next to him. ("Get your____back here!") 6. I know Karpyn's full name. My life's work is accomplished. 7. I may have Lovesponge Syphilitiatitis. 8. Unless I am kidnapped, I will no longer be traveling in a white unmarked van while drinking magic juice. 9. I still owe Karpyn five bucks. 10. I have learned that heck is for people who don't believe in Gosh and that: (see below) 11. There are many many many things that are worse than finding a worm in your apple. 12. Gerald Ford could never be trusted with a pen. 13. Christopher Walken loves hot dogs. 14. Though there is a one in 43 million chance that your air bag will deploy, you can win a 50 dollar gift cer-tif-icate to Office Depot. 15. In recent history, God has been slacking on the smiting. 16. There is now a possibility that I will be able to hold my breath for more than three seconds. Take that. |