Hey there my name is Buddy and since your webpage has taken off as one of the more popular webpages out there I guess you could call me your one man fan-club, or in other words, YOUR STALKER!!!! I would do a maniacal laugh but my retainer stabs the roof of my mouth when I do. I love your webpage my dog, it wreaks of awesomeness and radical....um...ness...yeah!!! So your webpage kicks major fanny and so I've decided to follow around my dog cuz I'm a cool superhero too!!! I like to be called Darkness except when my mom is around changing my Ka-ka bag cuz there
is a problem with the shape of my anal cavity. So anyway I have found out where you live and I have kept a diary of your actions as one of my own personal favorites...you're so cool!!!!!! Okay I just wanted to show you what I have down so far in the three days that I have followed you around.
Day 1:
You went to the bathroom in the morning and didnt come out for about forty-five minutes and came out looking quite pleased with yourself. You then proceeded to write new material for your website, which involved lots of head scratching. You really should get something for that dandruff problem, I've got this really good cream that smells like fresh Snuggles... so anyway you then proceeded to put on your pajamas with the little Alfs on on em and turned on your night light while I watched over you taking occassional tugs out of my breathalizer.
Day 2:
You had breakfast, those little chocolate chip pancakes that your mom makes with the little smily faces made out of strawbeeries that I'm pretty sure my mom makes better because she makes them with LOVE YOU MOTHERFUCKER I'LL KILL YOUR ASS!!!!! YOU THINK YOU'RE ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY CUZ YOU GOTS YOSELF A WEBPAGE??!!!! FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!!! Sorry I've got ticks. they come now and then when I don't get my doody-bag cleaned. So anyway at this point I fell out of the tree and my wheelchair got stuck on a branch and fell on my head knocking me unconscious. When I woke up some bum was peeing in my mouth. And had stolen my glasses.I went home.
Day 3:
My mom thinks I went to my Phonics class but I'm sitting up here in the tree in my wheelchair with my makeshift glasses which I made out of shards of glass from the busted out windshield of a 1986 Dodge Camry. I can see pretty well. I'm pretty sure that's a gerbil running around in circles around you chanting something satanic. In the afternoon you sit in front of a glowing box screaming obscenities probably because you were sick of taking orders...um, I figured that myself. Then you proceeded to look in my direction and yell something which made a giant purple orange headed monster come outside and hit me with a broom till I fell out of the tree with my wheel chair and make me go home. He gave me some chocolate milk and said "Sorry about knockin you outta the tree kiddo" I told him I liked this milk and he told me it was Ovaltine and that it was your favorite drink. I'm allergic to ovaltine. The monster drove me home in a giant blueberry that smelled like tinkle and I went to my room and reviewed my notes while I vomited ovaltine.
Hope you liked my notes!!!! I'll write to you soon. Ok, dont worry, I'll be
outside watching you. Although I think that branch is wearing down.
YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!!!!
Eugene "Darkness" Iminyerashamos
P.S.
ZAMBOS!!!!!!!!
Well, Eugene, contrary to popular belief, I am out of my Zambo-saying phase, but thanx for the effort!!!
Hey Mr.Exploshidad!!!! I just want to tell you how much i love your site dood!!! I think about you wherever I go, I can't get you out of my mind! I put a poster of you up on my wall next to Ricky Martin, my other favorite person!! I think he is mad kewl too, but she cant compare to u! But dood, i hafta ask ya the question that everyone wants to know: R u availiable? I mean shit man, i saw the picture of your eye and i thought, "damn hes a sexy bitch!!!" Those rippling muscles, handsome stature and long eyelash folicles drive me wild!!! So dewd, let me know if u can handle it- i got plenty o' astro glide......tee hee! Buh Bye Mr.Exploshidad, i shall now proceed to skip off into the sunset like the little fag that i am...la la lalalaaa......
Love, Mr. Lumps
HOLY SHIT, DUDE!!! What the hell is your problem?!?! Astro Glide??? How would you like a fat lamppost up yer ass?!?!?!?! Thanks for writing!
Dear Mr. Exploshidad,
This is your biggest fan writing to you because you haven't answered back you gayhole. I called your house 57 times and left twelve messages on your machine. I even hand delivered a Doody bag to your front door when your dad opened it and said "Hey kid, who's this for?" I just gave him the finger and wheeled off in my brand new wheelchair. It's magic cuz it runs on electricity. I betcha didnt know that. Anyway I know your home cuz I mistakenly ran my wheelchair through your front door and saw you sitting there on the floor eating a bowl of rice crispies and watching Lifetime on cable. Gimme a call or stop by my house so we can be kool together and play pogs. I'll let you see my retainer collection, not the bloody ones cuz I still use those. I ran over my dog Skippy and ate his dead carcass.
Your biggest fan,
Eugene "Darkness" Iminyerashamos
Eugene, this is your second letter, and, frankly, I think you're really "kool." Please stop by again. There will be a nice present outside for you. Just drink the nice cup of magic water (clorox with bleach) and all your troubles will be over. :)