EXPAT JOKES > SPORTING > FOOTBALL
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It was a capacity crowd at the cup final, a chap finds his seat, and notices the seat beside him is empty, he leans over it to the next chap and asks if he knows why the seat is empty, 'Yes, I bought a ticket for my wife, but she died suddenly.' 'Oh I am sorry, but couldn't you have found a friend or relative to use it?' 'I tried but they've all gone to her funeral!'
Alex Ferguson is the one of the guests of honour at the Miss World Beauty pageant. During the interval all the guests and contestants are mingling over drinks. Sir Alex is besieged by 3 of
the most beautiful women in the world.
Miss Venezuela pops the first question :- Sir Alex, I admire your management skills and all you have achieved and the trophies you have won. Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then
lowers the left strap of her dress and reveals her left breast and says ........ "Can you autograph my left breast please ?" Sir Alex now bemused, duly obliges....
Miss Croatia pops the second question :- Sir Alex, I admire the way you play psychological games with your opponents even before you play them. Sir Alex again acknowledges her flattering remark, but
she then lowers the right strap of her dress and reveals her right breast and says..... "Can you autograph my right breast please ?" Sir Alex again bemused, duly obliges....
Miss Argentina pops the third question :- Sir Alex, I admire the way you motivate your players and shield them like they were your own sons. Sir Alex again acknowledges her flattering remark, but she
then lifts up her dress and reveals the fact she is wearing no underwear at all, and says......."Can you please autograph this please"
Sir Alex totally gob smacked by now says "Hang on a minute love, no. no. no..!! .. last time I signed an Argentinean cunt....it cost me £28 million!
A man desperate at England's current situation decides to top himself. In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full
England kit as his last statement. A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police.
On arrival, the police quickly remove the Jersey and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why.
The policeman simply replies, "It's to avoid embarrassing your family."
Becks
Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed. Posh told
her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in
one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Posh . "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to
me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh. The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow."
Posh and Becks are hounded out of the UK and set off to California to buy a ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
Years of designer clothes and Brooklyn’s drug habit have taken their toll and In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own
stock. Posh looks at the bank balance then takes their last $600 out and heads west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells David "When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and bring it home."
Posh arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send
David a telegram to tell him the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to David Beckham telling him that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need him to hitch the trailer to our pick-up
truck and drive out here so we can take it home." The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the
bull, Posh only has $1left. She realises that she’ll only be able to send David one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send him the word, ‘comfortable’."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is he ever going to know that you want him to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you
send him the word, comfortable’?" Posh explains, "David’s stupid. He’ll read it slow."
THE Manchester United players are in the dressing room on Saturday. Just before the game, when Roy Keane walks in. "Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless
I get a cortisone injection."
"Hey," says Becks. "If he's having a new car, so am I."
DAVID Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in The kitchen department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks.
"A Thermos flask," replies the assistant.
"What does it do?" asks Becks.
The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next Training session.
"Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask."
The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask.
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," says David.
"And what have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane.
"Two cups of coffee and a choc ice," replies David.
POSH takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed. The garage man, knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world, decides to play a joke on her.
"You don't need me to take those dents out," he says. "Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place."
So she takes the car home and tries it. David spots her from the house, opens a window and shouts: "You daft girl! You have to wind the windows up first!"
DAVID Beckham is celebrating: "57 days, 57 days!" he shouts happily.
Posh asks him why he is celebrating.
He answers: "Well, I've done this jigsaw in only 57 days."
"Is that good?" asks Posh.
"You bet," says David. "It says 3 to 5 years on the box."
DAVID Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he went riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and down out of control. He tried with all his might
to hang on but it was no good. With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell headfirst to the ground. His head continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even slow down.
Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworths' manager came along and unplugged it.
Posh and Becks are traveling back from Heathrow Airport to Central London.
"Where have you been?" asks the cabbie.
"New York," says Beckham. "We saw a show and did some shopping."
"Did you have any nice meals?" asks the cabbie.
"Yes, one really great one."
"What was the name of the restaurant?" asks the cabbie.
"Dunno. I can't remember. Name some big railway stations in London," says Beckham.
The cabbie begins: "Waterloo, Paddington, Victoria..."
Beckham interrupts excitedly: "That's it! Victoria, what was the name of that restaurant we went to?"
Q: What do you do if David Beckham throws a pin at you?
A: Run for your life... he's got a grenade in his mouth.
Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he were a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice.
Q: What would England achieve with 11 David Beckhams?
A: An average IQ.
Q: What is the difference between David Beckham and a supermarket trolley?
A: A supermarket trolley has got a mind of its own.
POSH and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching The six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge onto the busy road below.
Posh turns to Becks and says: "David, I bet you £5,000 that he jumps!" to which Beckham replies "£5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't."
So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching.
Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes £5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh.
But she refuses.
"I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."
"No, babe," says David. "That money is yours fair and square. I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again.
David Beckham, Alex Ferguson and Roy Keane are in a top floor room of a hotel, which, unfortunately, is on fire.
The fire brigade has arrived, and with the canvas jump sheet ready they shout for Alex Ferguson to jump. Down he plummets, but the firemen, who are Manchester City fans, whip the canvas away at the
last minute.
SPLAT goes Ferguson onto the concrete - to the cheers of the firemen.
"You next" they shout to Roy Keane. "No way" says Roy. "We won't do it again, honest, we like you"
Somewhat reluctantly Roy Keane jumps. "Ole" shout the firemen whipping away the canvas. SPLAT goes the ex Manchester United captain, now deceased.
"You next" they shout to Becks. "You must think I'm stupid" says Becks, "you'll pull the canvas away again"
"No we won't" shout the firemen, gleefully. "Jump"
"You will" shouts Becks, "Just put the canvas on the ground and move well away, then I"ll jump"
Rumours that David Beckham was seen successfully seducing a young woman in a Brussels nightclub with a one-liner have been completely refuted by the English FA.
Adam Crozier, chief publicity officer stated: "I find it totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a successful pass to or at anyone."
The Seven Dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "England are good enough to win Euro 2000."
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
A City fan dies on match day and goes to heaven still wearing his team’s colours. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a United top.
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no City fans in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no City fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the City supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St. Peter, "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now fuck off".
The Rangers team are having a meeting on the eve of an Aberdeen game, and Mr. Murray says to the bears. "look lads, I know they are absolutely shite, and we don"t want to play them, but we have to, or face the wrath of the SFA."
Jorg Albertz peps up, "I"ve got an idea. Why don"t youse all go down to the pub and let me play them on my own, after all I've played in most positions this season, and remember they are totally pish!!?"
"Brilliant idea Jorg" says the Mint, "let's do that!"
On the day of the game, the bears are in the pub playing pool when Fergie remembers the match is on, he flicks the teletext on and up comes the score,
ABERDEEN 0 RANGERS 1
(ALBERTZ,10 MIN)
The lads cheer and get the drinks in, at about 4: 50 p.m. they go to the teletext again and up comes the score:
ABERDEEN 1 RANGERS 1
(JESS, 93 MIN) (ALBERTZ, 10 MIN)
"Oh fuck !" Cries Advocaat, "what the fuck went wrong?"
They all leave the bar and jump into taxis and head back to Ibrox. They rush in to find big Albertz sitting in the dressing room with his head in his hands.
"Well Jorg, what the fuck happened!!" Screams Amoruso, the club captain..
Jorg protests "it was all going well and I had the game under control, then that bastard Hugh Dallas sent me off in the 12th minute !!!!"
LATEST NEWS
World Cup Squads Announced
The following squads have just been announced for the 2002 World Cup: -
BRAZILIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2002
Pinnochio
Libero
Vimto Memento Borneo Tango
Cheerio Subbuteo
Scenario Fellatio
Portfolio
SUBS:
Placebo
Porno
Polio
Banjo
Brasso
Stereo ( L )
Stereo ( R )
Hydrochlorofluoro
Aristotle
YUGOSLAVIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2002
Itch
Annoyingitch Hardtoreachitch Scratchanitch
Hic Sic Spic Pric
Digaditch Fallinaditch
Horseraditch
SUBS:
Mowapitch
Letsgetrich
Shagabitch
RUSSIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2002
Whodyanicabolicov
Ticlycov Chesticov Nasticov
Slalomsky Downhillsky
Risky Swedishshev Mastershev
Fuckov Taykitov
SUBS:
Rubitov
Gechakitov
Sodov
Pastryshev
Najinsky
Desert Orchid
ROMANIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2002
Chatanoogaciouciou
Atishiou Blessiou Thankyiou
Busqueue Snookercu
Pennyciou Twoapennyciou Fourapennyciou
I'llgetciou Youandwhosarmi
SUBS:
U
NonU
ManU
Stuffyiou
Lee Kwan Yu
DANISH SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2002
Toomanigoalssen
Tryandstopussen Crapdefenssen Haveagossen
Firstsson Seccondsson
Thirdsson
Legshurtssen Notroubleseeingussen
Wherestheballssen Getthebeerssen
SUBS:
Howmanygoalsisthatssen
Finallygaveupcountinssen
Hurryupandblowthewhistlessen
Yourelatedtoalexfergusonssen
ITALIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2002
Baloni
Potbelli Beerbelli Giveitsumwelli
Wotsontelli Toonsgotkenni Onetoomani
Legslikejelli Havabenni
Wobblijelli Spendapenni
SUBS:
Cantthinkofani!!!
Buggermi
MEXICAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2002
San Francisco
Costa Brava Hopelez Juan Andonly Manuel Gearbox
Don Criformi-Argentina Bodegas Luis Canon Sombrero
Chihuahua Jose
SUBS:
Jesus Maria Don Key
Burrito
Speedy Gonzalez
Tequila
Caramba
DUTCH SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2002
Kenning van Hire
Van Diemansland Van der Valk Van Gard Van Erealdizeez
Ad van Tagus Hertz van Rental Transit van Dors
Van Coova Van Sprokendown Aye van Hoe
SUBS:
Van Iller
Van Ishincreme
Van Morrison
News reaches us that Brazilian striker Fellatio no longer has a limp. This could prove to be a major blow.
Two players who are not included are Russian hard-man Sendimov, who will be serving a three-month suspension, and the hard working Mexican midfielder, Manuel Labor.
There is no place in the Dutch squad for sweeper, Dick van Dyke.
The young Dutch star Per Vert has been excluded from the squad, after he was discovered in the back streets of Amsterdam with his finger in a dyke.
FOOTBALL YEAR PREDICTIONS
JANUARY: Actress Elizabeth Hurley tells a shocked world that the father of her unborn child is Ipswich Town’s manager, and that the tot will be given the surname Hurley-Burley.
Dance music magazine Mixmag reveals the result of their search for the person who has attended the greatest number of different clubs in the past 12 months. The winner is Steve Bruce
FEBRUARY: Bolton’s slide down the Premiership table is explained when it is discovered that opposing defenders have been taking Vitamin D tablets to counteract the effects of Ricketts...
Disappointing ticket sales for the Spice Girls’ reunion tour begin to soar when it is announced that, in tribute to her husband, Victoria Beckham will start the concert on the bench
MARCH: Paul Ince is arrested for leaving the scene of an accident after Arsene Wenger catches the Middlesbrough captain crashing into his 2CV, causing damage to the front bumper. However the
case collapses when, in court, Wenger admits: I did not see the Incey dent.
The search for Osama Bin Laden switches to Craven Cottage amid rumours that the Al-Qaeda leader is trying to make contact with the sinister Al-Fayeda network...
APRIL: Elizabeth Hurley gives birth to a baby daughter whose head is covered in ringlets. She is christened Curly Girly Hurley-Burley.
In another shock example of footballers behaving badly, the man who adds up the attendance figures at Anfield is assaulted by Liverpool stars. Says proud Phil Thompson: "My lads are the best
counter-attacking side in football"...
MAY: Blaming Leicester’s relegation on a musclebound striker who doesn’t score any goals, Dave Bassett finally sells Ade Akinbiyi. He immediately pays £10m to take Emile Heskey back from Liverpool... Arsenal win the title but at least Teddy Sheringham and Les Ferdinand book Tottenham’s place in Europe. They’ll be going on a cheese-tasting coach trip round Belgium with Saga.
JUNE: Following three straight defeats by Cameroon, Germany and Saudi Arabia, distraught Ireland boss Mick McCarthy flies home straight after the World Cup’s first round. Impressed, the
Scottish FA immediately offer him Craig Brown’s old job.
Englands campaign ends in farce, all 23 players ruled out with food poisoning after Kieron Dyer persuades them to visit a South Korean restaurant. I heard there were some tasty old dogs there, he
sheepishly explains.
JULY: In the annual pre-season spending spree, Arsenal chairman David Dein raids Inter Milan for Ronaldo, Liverpool chairman David Moores raids Real Madrid for Roberto Carlos and Aston Villa
chairman Doug Ellis raids Burnley for some second-hand kit so he wont have to fork out for a new set
Middlesbroughs manager returns to Old Trafford as Manchester Uniteds new boss after Sir Alex Ferguson is overheard saying hes looking forward to spending a lot more time with McClaren. A red faced
Fergie later admits what he’d actually said was I’m looking forward to spending a lot more time with ma claret
AUGUST: The new season begins with Liverpool kicking off in front of a capacity crowd at Anfield, Manchester United kicking off in front of an expectant Old Trafford and Leeds United kicking
off in front of the Majestyk nightclub’
The Queen Mother celebrates her 102nd birthday with a telemessage from Bobby Robson.
SEPTEMBER: The hunt for Bin Laden appears over when the FBI arrests a much-disliked bearded man who achieved infamy for wrecking the twin towers. Sadly, Ken Bates is later released without
charge.
Dennis Wise joins Fulham, then refuses to play anywhere other than up front. This gives the Cottagers a forward line of Steve Marlet and Cockney Rebel.
OCTOBER: Just six weeks into the season, newly-promoted Manchester City are losing each game by an average score of 7-4. Shellshocked boss Kevin Keegan reveals he is considering tinkering
with his revolutionary 0-0-10 formation or, as a compromise, asking Shaun Goater to play as a fly goalie.
Ariel Sharon names Dwight Yorke as Israel’s new defence minister after his successful incursions into Jordan.
NOVEMBER: The Queen Mother dies and as a mark of respect, Chelsea players on a drinking session lower their trousers to half-mast.
Walter Smith leaves Everton, saying he needs more job security. He immediately becomes CEO of a leading internet company.
DECEMBER: As Christmas approaches, kindly Robbie Savage promises he’ll try his best to make sure that everyone who tackles him gets a card, though whether it turns out to be yellow or red
will depend on how gullible the referee is.
A police report reveals a huge increase in drunk and disorderly arrests at Upton Park. Glenn Roeder says West Ham will try to hold their Xmas party elsewhere next year.