EXPAT JOKES > SPORTING (OTHER SPORTS)

Cricket in Heaven?
Two old guys, Fred and George, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking cricket, like they do every day. Fred turns to George and says, "Do you think they have cricket in heaven?"
Fred thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's cricket in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Fred passes on.
One day, George is sitting in the park feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "George... George..." George responds, "Fred! Is that you?" "Yes it is, George," whispers Fred's ghost.
George, still amazed, asks, "So, do they have cricket in heaven?"
"Well," says Fred, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Give me the good news first," says George.
Fred says, "Well... Yes, they have cricket in heaven."
George says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Fred sighs and whispers, "You're playing on Friday."

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsmen putting on sunscreen.

Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all-rounder.

Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest bowler on tour?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What's the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. Why don't English fielders need pre-tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the England touring party?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. What advantage do Nasser Hussain, Mark Ramprakash, Dean Headley, Alex Tudor and Graham Hick have over the rest of their team mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. Why are English batsmen looking forward to the new millennium?
A. So they can at least say they passed a century.

Q. Who spent the most time at the crease of anyone in the English world cup squad?
A. The lady who ironed the cricket whites.

Q. Why are English cricketers more clever than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.

Q. What does Gough put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and Graeme Hick?
A. Cinderella made it to the ball.

Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by the England midfielders?
A. The walk back to the dressing room.

THE RACING GAME

STARTING PRICE

DOUBTFUL START

EVENS

ODDS

HARD GOING

DOUBLE EACH WAY

WIN BY A LENGTH

POINT TO POINT

BOOKIES STAND

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence. With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.
The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine". The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.
This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"

The Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play: one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. Course owners may request that balls be cleaned before beginning play.
7. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses on which they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
10. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
11. If a player frequently misses the hole and lands in the surrounding rough, it is quite acceptable to ask the course owner for guidance.
12. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time.
13. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
14. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
15. Players should take care when playing water hazards, as course owners often don't appreciate wet spots on the course.
16. In contrast to outdoor golf, very few players find hitting balls hard to be very satisfying.
17. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
18. It is unusual for a course owner to allow foursomes to play, and when they do, the players usually don't tee off at the same time.
19. Players assume all risk when playing on courses that charge green fees.
20. If an avid player is unable to locate a course upon which to play, it is OK for him to practice his stroke by himself.

Have you heard the one about the man shipwrecked for six years?
'Suddenly, out of the sea, a beautiful girl in a wetsuit appeared She asked the man: 'When was the last time you had a smoke?'
He replied 'Not for six years I’ve been alone on this island', so she undid her wetsuit a bit and produced a pack of fags.
Then she asked 'When was the last time you had a drink?' and when he replied six years, she unzipped the suit a little more and produced a bottle of whisky.
Then she undid the wetsuit some more and asked 'When was the last time you played around?'
'Six years ago,' the man replied. 'Now you’re not going to tell me you have a set of golf clubs in there?'

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" She asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole".

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the pin. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky Frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and by the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room"

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do", he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster???"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie," he asked?
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie says.
So he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks
....... Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you, the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch bic?"

Two guys were playing golf when the first one said, "I really need to take a crap..."
The second replied, "Well there's a tree, go behind it and do your stuff." The first guy looks over at the tree and comments, "But I don't have any toilet paper."
Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, "You have five pounds on you, don't you? Just use it to wipe yourself." Reluctantly, the first guy goes and does his stuff.
Minutes later he comes back with crap all over him. The second asks, "Damn, what happened? Didn't you use the five pounds?" "Hell yes, but have you ever tried to wipe your arse with four pound coins and two 50pences?"

SPORTS QUOTES
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them - Oh my God, what have I just said?" (USTV commentator)
This is is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker - Formula 1 motor racing commentator)
"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!" (RTE"s George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville,1992)
"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense." Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991).
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in a foreign country: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush - ex Liverpool and Wales footballer)
"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator" (John Arlott -- cricket commentator)
"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play" (Peter Lorenzo - football "pundit")
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised" (Ian McNail - footballer)
"I"ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body" (Winston Bennett)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker - qv.)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman - golfer)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter - boxer)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball" (John Francombe - jockey)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables - ex England football team manager)
"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival" (Noel O" Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich)
"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better" (Ron Atkinson - football pundit)
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces." (Ron Atkinson - qv.)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Ron Atkinson - qv.)
"It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up." (Ian Wright - commenting on his teammate's alcoholism)
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
"Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists." (David Vine - BBC commentator)
"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times at 1500 metres." (David Coleman - athletics commentator)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro Radio)
" ....and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs .." (Sue Barker - sports commentator).
"Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of." (David Coleman - qv.)
Dennis Pennis (interviewer): "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?" Chris Eubank (boxer) : "On what?"
"Sex is an anti-climax after that !" (Grand National winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald.)
"Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that" (Desmond Lynam - (then) BBC commentator)
"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch." (Ruud Gullit - Holland football team manager)
"Well , either side could win it, or it could be a draw." Ron Atkinson - qv.)
"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip" (John Motson - qv.)...the all time classic...!
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air even longer." (David Acfield - footballer)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona" (Mark Draper - Aston Villa footballer)
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class" (David Coleman - qv. - at The Montreal Olympics)
"And for those of you who watched the last programme (Fanny and JohnnyCraddock), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's" (David Coleman - qv. - at the start of Match of The Day)
"...and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion" (John Arlott - qv.)
"These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them" (Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta)
"Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" (David Coleman - qv.)

Last summer, down on the Lake, a woman, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she made her way over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine was fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
One of the marina guys jumped into the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!!!!
You mean you're supposed to take it off?

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