EXPAT JOKES > SONG BOOK
I WILL SURVIVE REMIX What Gloria Gaynor really meant to sing......
MALE VERSION
First I was afraid I was petrified
At the ugly slapper that was lying by my side
I would've drunk a little less,
I would've tried to keep my head.
If I'd known for just one second you'd
Assault me in your bed.
I tried to go, walk out the door
But you've been sitting on my legs and
I Can't feel them anymore
And now you're sitting on my face,
my nose has vanished - not a trace,
I only hope that you're big knickers aren't
Made of liquorice lace
I want to go, I've got to leave
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave
Only hope that no one saw me walking home
With such a slut.
God the things that you get up to
when you're half cut.
Please let me go, I'm getting scared
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly
Breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what
Made me want to court her?
With tits that look like Tesco bags I've just
Filled up with water
It's time to go, run out the door
She's started hinting she wants sex on her
Dirty lino floor
I don't think there's anything worse
Than the al-co-hol-ics curse.
I WILL SURVIVE !
FEMALE VERSION
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly wanker that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've
Tried to keep my head,
If I'd know for just one second I'd be in
Your crusty bed...
I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that
I've fallen on the floor.
Your butts a pimply mess, it's just a broken-out
disgrace,
But I'd rather look at that, than at your
Fucking ugly face...!
I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes
Me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking
Spirts and the beer
Coz when I looked at you last night, you
Looked just like Richard Gere !
Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you're
An ugly prick
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate,
At least he's got a lovely flat
But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm
Stuck with you, you twat.
It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm going
To have no stupid fun
Coz waking up beside your mug, just makes me
Want to be a nun !
I WILL SURVIVE!!
ERNIE
You could hear his knackers pound as he raced across the ground
The clatter of his prick as it swung round and round
As he galloped into Market Street, he had no coat or vest
His name was Ernie, and he had the biggest chopper in the west
Now Ernie fucked a widow, a lady known as Sue,
She said she’d like to try it, he said "I’ll bet you do!"
They said he was too big for her, for she was so small and trim,
But Ernie thrust his chopper up her dripping little quim.
His name was Ernie, and he had the biggest chopper in the west!
Now Ernie had a rival, an evil fucking man,
Called One-Ball-Ted from Teddington, who drove a Durex van,
He tempted her with his featherlite, till he got his end away,
And all Ernie had to offer her was her oats three times a day.
Poor Ernie, and he had the biggest chopper in the west!
One day Ted saw Ernie’s cart parked outside Sue’s door,
It drove him mad to find the twat, still there at half past four,
Poor Ted, he could not stand it, it made the bastard sick,
So he smashed all Ernie’s windows in, with a fucking great big brick.
So Ernie ran outside, his eyes fixed on that brick,
They stood there face to face, and Ted went for his brick,
But Ernie was too fast for him, things didn’t go the way Ted planned,
And a hairy sweaty bollock sent it spinning from his hand.
Sue, she ran between them, and tried to keep them apart,
But Ernie said, "Fuck off, you silly fucking tart",
Then Sue, she looked across to him, and his eyes a filled with lust,
And a size ten spunk ball made him fall, and Ernie hit the dust.
Ernie was only twenty-two, he didn’t want to die,
But now he’s fucking women in the brothel in the sky,
Where ladies are all naughty, and the pricks are big and grand,
And a woman feels unlucky if thrice daily she’s not banged.
But a woman’s needs are many fold, so Sue she slept with Ted,
But strange things happened in the night, as they fucked upon their bed,
Was that trees a rustling? Or maybe even more,
'Twas Ernie’s chopper, a knocking on the door.
They won’t forget Ernie, cause he had the biggest chopper in the west.
RED FLAG
The working class
Can kiss my arse
I've got the foreman's job at last.
I'm out Of work
And on the dole
You can stuff the red flag Up your hole.
'Twas on Gibraltar's rock, so fair,
I saw a maiden lying there
And as she lay in sweet repose,
A puff of wind blew up her clothes,
A sailor who was passing by
Tipped his hat and winked his, eye.
And then he saw to his despair
She had the red flag flying there.
DID YOU EVER SEE
Oh. I got an Aunty Sissy,
And she's only got one titty,
But it's very long and pointed
And the nipple's double jointed.
Chorus:
Did you ever see,
Did you ever see,
Did you ever see,
Such a funny thing before.
I've got a cousin Daniel,
And he's got a cocker spaniel,
If you tickled 'im in the middle
He would lift his leg and piddle.
Oh, I've got a cousin Rupert,
He plays outside halt for Newport.
They think so much about him
That they always play without him.
Oh, I've got a cousin Anna,
And she's got a grand piana,
And she ram aram arama,
Till the neighbours say "God Damn Her."
THE SEXUAL LIFE OF THE CAMEL
The sexual life of the camel
Is stranger than anyone thinks,
At the height of the mating season
He tries to bugger the sphinx,
But the sphinx's posterior sphincter
Is all clogged by the sands of the Nile,
Which accounts for the hump on the camel
And the sphinx's inscrutable smile.
In the process of syphilisation
From the anthropoid ape down to man
It is generally held that the Navy
Has buggered whatever it can,
Yet recent extensive researches
By Darwin and Huxley and Hall
Conclusively prove that the hedgehog
Has never been buggered at all.
We therefore believe our conclusion
Is incontrovertibly shown
That comparative safety on shipboard
Is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone.
Why haven't they done it at Spithead,
As they've done it at Harvard and Yale
And also at Oxford and Cambridge
By shaving the spines off its tall.
THE ENGINEER'S DREAM
An engineer told me before he died
And I've no reason to believe he lied
He knew a woman with a fanny so wide
That she was never satisfied.
So he built a prick of steel
Driven by a bloody great wheel
Two brass balls he filled with cream
And the whole bloody issue was driven by steam.
Round and round
went the bloody great wheel
In and out went the balls of steel
'Till at last the maiden cried,
"Enough, enough, I'm satisfied."
Up and up went the level of steam
Down and down went the level of cream,
'Till again the maiden cried,
"Enough, enough, I'm satisfied."
Now we come to the tragic bit
There was no way of stopping it
She was split from arse to tit.
And the whole bloody issue was covered in shit
SING US ANOTHER ONE DO
Chorus:
That was a jolly old song
Sing us another one do.
There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went for a walk with a builder
He knew that he could
And he should, and he would -
And he did - and he goddam near killed her!
The jolly old Bishop of Birmingham
He buggered three maids while confirming 'em.
As they knelt seeking God
He excited his rod
And pumped his Episcopal sperm in 'em.
There was a young couple named Kelly
Who were found stuck belly to belly,
Because in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.
There was a young lady of Cheam
Who crept into the vestry unseen
She pulled down her knickers
Likewise the vicar's
And said, "How about it, old bean?"
A chap down in Oklahoma
Had cock that could sing La Paloma,
But the sweetness of pitch
Couldn't put off the hitch
Of impotence, size and aroma.
There was a young fellow from Leeds
Who swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of grass
Sprouted out of his arse
And his balls were all covered with weeds.
There was a young girl of Detroit
Who at fucking was very adroit
She could squeeze her vagina
To a pin-point, or finer
Or open it out like a quoit.
A disgusting young man named McGill
Made his neighbours exceedingly ill
When they learned of his habits
Involving white rabbits
And a bird with a flexible bill.
There was a young man of St Johns
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
"Oh no," said the porter,
"You bugger my daughter,
Them swans is reserved for the Dons."
A handsome young monk in a wood
Told a girl she should cling to the good.
She obeyed him, and gladly;
He repulsed her, but sadly,
"My dear you have misunderstood."
There was a young maid from Mobile
Whose fanny was made of blue steel
She got her thrills
From pneumatic drills
And off-centred emery wheels.
There was a young lady of Crewe
Whose cherry a chap had got through
Which she told to her mother
Who fixed her another
Out of rubber and red ink and glue.
When a lecherous curate at Leeds
Was discovered, one day, in the weeds
Astride a young nun,
He said, "Christ this is fun,
Far better than telling one's beads!"
There was a young man from Cape Cod
Who put his own mother in pod.
His name? It was Tucker.
The Bugger, The fucker,
The Bleeder. The Bastard, The Sod.
There was a young lady of Twickenham,
Who regretted that men had no fuck in 'em.
On her knees every day,
To her God she would pray
To lengthen, and strengthen, and thicken 'em.
There was a young girl named McCall
Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
But the size of her anus
Was something quite heinous-
it could hold seven pricks and one ball
There was a young man from Lynn
Whose prick was the size of a pin.
Said his girl with a laugh
As she fondled his staff
This won't be much of a sin."
A broken down harlot named Tupps
Was heard to confess in her cups:
The height my folly
Was fucking a collie-
But I got a nice price for the pups."
There was a young man of high station
Who was found by a pious relation
Making love in a ditch
To-I won't say a bitch-
But a woman of no reputation.
There was a young German named Ringer
Who was screwing an opera singer.
Said he with a grin,
" Well, I've sure got it in!,,
Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
A young man -with passions quite gingery
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
He slapped her behind
And made up his mind
To add incest to insult and injury.
There was a young man of Belgravia,
Who cared neither for God nor his Saviour,
He walked down the Strand
With his cock in his hand,
And was had up for indecent behaviour.
There was a young nun from Siberia
Endowed with a virgin interior-
Until an old monk
jumped into her bunk
And now she's the Mother Superior.
There was a young Scot from Delray
Who buggered his father one day,
Saying like it rather
To stuff it up Father
He's clean and there's nothing to pay."
There was a young plumber of Lea
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said, "Stop your plumbing;
There's somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
There was a young girl of Devon
Who was raped in the garden by seven
High Anglican Priests-
The lascivious beasts-
Of such is the kingdom of Heaven.
When a woman in strapless attire
Found her breasts
working higher and higher,
A guest, with great feeling,
Exclaimed, "how 'appealing
Do you mind if I piss in the fire?"
There was a young lady of Trent
Who said that she knew what it meant
When he asked her to dine,
Private room, lots of wine
She knew, oh she knew - but she went!
There was a young lady named Hitchin
Who was scratching
her crotch in the kitchen.
Her mother, said, "Rose,
It's the crabs, I suppose."
She said, ".Yes, and the buggers are itchin'."
There was a young man of St,7ames
Who indulged in the jolliest games:
He lighted the rim
Of his grandmother's quim
And laughed as she pissed
through the flames.
A fellow whose surname was Hunt
Trained his prick to perform a slick stunt:
This versatile spout
Could be turned inside out
Like a glove, and be used as a cunt
There was a young lady from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too."'
An organist playing in York
Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
And between obbligatos
He'd munch at tomatoes
And keep up his strength while at work.
There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
There was never a sound
For miles around
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant's dong in her stew.
Said the waiter , "Don't shout.
And don't wave it about.
Or the others will all want one too."
A hermit who had an oasis
Thought it the best of all places;
He could pray and he calm
'Neath a pleasant date-palm
While the lice on his bollocks ran races.
There was a young fellow named Kimble
Whose cock was exceedingly nimble,
But fragile and slender.
And dainty and tender
So he kept it encased in a thimble.
The last time I dined with the King
He did quite a curious thing:
He sat on a stool
And took out his tool
And said, "If I play, will you sing?"
The gay young Duke of Buckingham
Stood on the bridge at Rockingham
Watching the stunts
Of the whores and the punts
And the tricks of the cock that were fucking 'em
A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Was four fifths of five-eighths fuck all.
There was a young student of Trinity
Pro shattered his sister's virginity
He buggered his brother
Had twins by his mother
And took double honour in Divinity.
There was a young fellow named Scott
Who took a girl out on his yacht-
But too lazy to rape her
He made darts of brown paper
Which he languidly tossed at her mott
There was a young lady of Exeter,
So pretty, that men craned their necks at her.
One went so far
As to wave from his car
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
Rosalina, a pretty young lass,
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink
As you possibly think-
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
WHOREDEAN SCHOOL
We are from Whoredean -
Whoredean girls are we,
We take no pride in our virginity,
We take precautions
And avoid abortions
For we are from Whoredean School
Chorus:
Up school, up school, bugger up the school,
La. la, la, la. la la la la la., hoi.
Our house mistress you cannot beat,
She lets us go walking in the street.
We sell our titties for three penny bitties
Right outside Whoredean School.
Our school doctor, she is a beaut,
Teaches us to swerve
when our boy friends shoot,
It saves many marriages
And forced miscarriages,
For we are from Whoredean School.
Our head prefect, her name is Jane,
She only likes it now and again,
And again and again,
And again and again,
And again and again and again.
We go to Whoredean, don't we have pluck
We go to bed without asking, a buck,
Try us sometime boys
You may be in luck
For we are from Whoredean school
Our sports mistress she is the best,
Teaches us to develop our chest,
So we wear tight sweaters,
And carry French letters,
For we are from Whoredean school
We are at Whoredean each Whitsun dance,
We don't wear bras
and we don't wear pants,
We like to give our boyfriends a chance,
For we are from Whoredean School.
Our school porter he is a fool,
He's only got a teeny weeny tool
It's all right for keyholes
And little girl's peeholes,
But not much good for Whoredean school
Our school gardener he makes us drool,
He's got a great big whopping, dirty tool
All right for tunnels
and Queen Mary funnels,
And for the girls of Whoredean school
We go to " Whoredean, don't we have fun,
We know exactly how it is done,
When we lie down we hole it in one,
For we are from Whoredean School.
We have a new girl, her name is Flo,
Nobody thought that she could have a go,
But she surprised the Vicar
By raising him quicker
Than any other girl at "Whoredean School.
These girls from Cheltenham,
They are just sissies,
They get worked up over one or two kisses,
It takes wax candles,
And long broom handles,
To rouse the bowels
of girls from Whoredean School.
We go to Whoredean, we can be had,
Don't take our word, boy,
Ask your old Dad,
He brings his friends
for breath-taking trends,
For we are from Whoredean School.
When we go down to the sea for a swim,
The people remark on the size of our quim
You can bet your bottom dollar,
It's big as a horse's collar,
For we are from Whoredean School.
THE BALL OF KERRYMUIR
Oh the Ball, the Ball of Kerrymuir,
Where your wife and my wife,
Were a-doing on the floor.
Chorus:
Balls to your partner,
Arse against the wall,
If you never get fucked on a Saturday night
You'll never be fucked at all.
Four and twenty virgins
Came down from Inverness,
And when the ball was over
There were four and twenty less.
Four and twenty prostitutes
Came up from Glockamore
And when the ball was over
They were all of them double bore.
The village plumber he was there
He felt an awful fool
He'd come eleven leagues or more
And forgot to bring his tool.
There was fucking in the hallways
And fucking in the ricks,
You couldn't hear the music
For the swishing of the pricks
There was fucking in the kitchen,
And fucking in the halls,
You couldn't hear the music
for the clanging of the balls
There was fucking in the ante-room,
And fucking on the stairs, .
You couldn't see the carpet
For the short and curly hairs.
Sandy McPherson he came along,
It was a bloody shame,
He fucked a lassie forty times
And wouldn't take her haim.
The parson's daughter she was there,
The cunning little runt,
With poison ivy up her ass
And thistles up her cunt.
The Vicar's wife, she was there,
A-sitting by the fire
Knitting rubber johnnies
Out of India rubber tyre.
The village idiot he was there.
Sitting on a pole,
He pulled his foreskin over his head
And whistled through the hole.
Mrs O'Maley she was there
She had the crowd in fits
A-jumping off the mantelpiece
And bouncing off her tits.
The bride was in the kitchen
Explaining to the groom
That the vagina not the rectum
Is the entrance to the womb.
The village magician he was there,
Up to his favourite trick,'
Pulling his arse hole over his head
And standing on his prick
The village smithy he was there,
Sitting, by the fire,
Doing abortions by the score
With apiece of red hot wire.
The blacksmith's brother he was there,
A mighty man was he,
He lined them up against the wall
And fucked them three by three.
Now farmer Giles he was there,
His sickle in his hand
And every time that he swung round
He circumcised the band.
The Vicar's wife she was there,
Back against the wall,
"Put your money on the table, boys,
I'm fit to do you all."
The Vicar and his wife
Were having lots of fun,
The parson had his finger
Up another lady's bum.
There was fucking on the highways,
And fucking in the lanes,
You couldn't hear the music
For the rattling of the stones.
The village doctor he was there,
He had his bag of tricks,
And in between the dances
He was sterilising pricks
The village cripple, he was there
He couldn't do very much
He line them up against the wall
And fucked them with his crutch
The village vicar, he was there,
He couldn't shout very loud
He climbed upon the chandelier
And pissed upon the crowd
There was fucking in the couches,
There was fucking in the cots,
And lying up against the wall
Were rows of grinning twats
Farmer Brown he was there.
A-jumping on his hat,
For half an acre of his corn
Was fairly fucking flat.
Giles he played a dirty trick,
We cannot let it pass,
He showed a lass his mighty prick
Then shoved it up her ass.
Eric had an even stroke,
His skill was much admired,
He gratified one pussy a time,
Until his skill expired.
The village bobby, he was there,
And he was in despair,
He couldn't get his willy through
The tangles in his hair.
The shepherd did his fucking
Right upon the moor,
It was, he thought, much better
Than fucking on the floor.
The lavatory cleaner, he was there,
A looking for a fuck
But every cunt was occupied
And he was out of luck.
???? ???? when he got there,
His prick was long and high,
But when he'd fucked her forty times
He was fucking mighty dry.
????, oh, yes, he was there,
His cock was long and broad,
And when he'd fucking the farmer's wife
She had to be rebored.
???? ????, he was there,
His prick was all alert,
But when half the night was done
'Twas dangling in the dirt.
The chimney sweep he was there,
They had to throw him out,
For every time he passed his wind
The room was filled with soot.
The doctor's daughter she was there,
She went to gather sticks,
She couldn't see a blade of grass
For whores and standing pricks
The village builder he was there,
He brought his bag of tricks,
He poured cement in all the holes,
And dented all the pricks
Little Jimmy he was there,
The leader of the choir,
He kicked the balls of all the boys,
To make their voices higher.
Now little Tommy he was there,
But he was only eight,
He couldn't fuck the women,
So he had to masturbate.
The village postman he was there,
The poor man had the pox,
He couldn't fuck the lassies
So he fucked the letterbox.
The village blind man he was there
A leaning on the gate,
He couldn't find a pussy
So he had to masturbate.
The blacksmith's father he was there,
A-roaring like a lion,
He'd cut his foreskin on the forge,
So he used a red-hot iron.
And when the ball was over
Everyone confessed,
They all enjoyed the dancing
But the fucking was the best.
And so the ball was over
They all went home to rest,
And the music had been exquisite,
But the fucking was the best.
DINAH
A rich girl has a limousine
A poor girl has a truck
But the only time that Dinah rides
is when she has a fuck
Chorus:
Dinah, Dinah, show us your leg,
show us your leg,
show us your leg,
Dinah, Dinah, show us your leg,
A yard above your knee.
A rich girl has a brassiere,
A poor girl uses string,
But Dinah uses nothing at all
She lets the bastards swing.
A rich girl has a ring of gold,
A poor girl has one of brass,
But the only ring that Dinah has
Is the one around her ass
A rich girl uses Vaseline,
A poor girl uses lard,
But Dinah uses axle-grease
Because her vagina is so hard.
A rich girl uses a sanitary towel,
A poor girl uses a sheet,
But Dinah uses nothing at all,
Leaves a trail along the street.
ESKIMO NELL
Gather round all you whorey
Gather round and hear this story.
When a man grows old
and his balls grow cold
And the tip of his prick turns blue,
And it bends in the middle
Like a one-string fiddle
he can tell you a tale or two.
So pull up a chair, and stand me a drink
And a tale to you I'll tell
Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete.
And a harlot called Eskimo Nell.
When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Go forth in search of fun
It's Dead-eye Dick that slings the prick
And Mexican Pete the gun.
When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Are sore, depressed and sad
It's always a cunt that bears the brunt
But the shooting ain't so bad.
Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Lived down by Dead Man's Creek
And such was their luck they'd had no fuck
For nigh on half a week.
Just a moose or two and a caribou,
And a bison cow or so,
And for Dead-eye Dick
With his kingly prick
This fucking was mighty slow.
So do or dare this horny pair
Set forth for the Rio Grande,
Dead-eye Dick with his mighty prick
And Pete with his gun in his hand.
And as they blazed their noisy trail
No man their path withstood,
And many a bride, her husband's pride
A pregnant widow stood.
They reached the strand of the Rio Grande
At the height of a blazing noon,
And to slake their thirst and do their worst
They sought Black Mike's Saloon.
And as they pushed the great doors wide
Both prick and gun flashed free.
"According to sex, you bleeding wrecks,
You drink or fuck with me."
They'd heard of the prick
called Dead-eye Dick,
From the Maine to Panama
And with scarcely worse
than a muttered curse
Those dagos sought the bar.
The girls too knew his playful ways
Down on the Rio Grande,
And forty whores
pulled down their drawers
At Dead-eye Dick's command.
They saw the fingers of Mexican Pete
Itch on the trigger grip
And they didn't wait, at fearful rate
Those whores began to strip.
Now Dead-eye Dick was breathing quick
With lecherous snorts and grunts
So forty bums were bared to view
And likewise forty cunts
Now forty bums and forty cunts
If you can use your wits,
And if you're slick at arithmetic,
Makes exactly eighty tits.
Now eighty tits are a gladsome sight
For a man with a raging stand
It may be rare in Berkeley Square
But not on the Rio Grande.
Now Dead-eye Dick had fucked a few
On the last preceding night,
This he had done just to show his fun
And to whet his appetite.
His phallic limb was in fucking trim,
As he backed and took a run
He made a dart at the nearest tart
And scored a hole in one.
He bore her to the sandy floor
And there he fucked her fine
And though she grinned
It put the wind up the other thirty-nine.
When Dead-eye Dick lets loose his prick
He's got no time to spare,
For speed and length
combined with strength
He fairly singes hair.
He made a dart at the next spare tart,
When into that Harlot's Hell
Strode a gentle maid who was unafraid,
And her name it was Eskimo Nell.
By this time Dick had got his prick
Well into number two
When Eskimo Nell let out a yell,
She bawled to him: "Hey you."
He gave a flick of his muscular prick
And the girl flew over his head,
And he wheeled about with an angry shout.
His face and his prick were red.
She glanced our hero up and down,
His looks she seemed to decry,
With utter scorn she glimpsed the horn
That rose from his hairy thigh.
She blew the smoke from her cigarette
Over his steaming knob
So utterly beat was Mexican Pete
He failed to do his job
.It was Eskimo Nell who broke the spell
In accents clear and cool:
"You cunt struck shrimp of a Yankee pimp.
You call that thing a tool?"
"If this here town can't take that down,
"She sneered to those cowering whores,
"There's one little cunt can do the stunt,
It's Eskimo Nell's, not yours."
She stripped her garments one by one
With an air of conscious pride
And as she stood in her womanhood
Thy saw the great divide.
She seated her self on a table top
Where someone had left his glass,
With a twitch of her tits she crushed it to bits
Between the cheeks of her ass
She flexed her knees with supple ease,
And spread her legs apart,
With a friendly nod to the mangy sod
She gave him the cue to start.
But Dead-eye Dick knew a trick or two,
He meant to take his time,
And a girl like this was fucking bliss
So he played the pantomime.
He flexed his prick to and fro
And made his balls inflate
Until they looked like granite knobs
On top of a garden gate.
He blew his anus inside out,
His balls increased in size,
His mighty prick grew twice as thick
Till it almost reached his eyes.
He polished it up with alcohol,
And made it steaming hot
To finish the job he sprinkled the knob
With a cayenne pepper pot.
Then neither did he take a run
Nor did he take a leap,
Nor did he stoop, but took a swoop
And a steady forward creep.
With piercing eye he took a sight
Along his mighty tool
And the steady grin as he pushed it in
Was calculatedly cool.
Have you seen the giant pistons
On the mighty C.P.R.,
With the driving force of a thousand horse
Well, you know what pistons are.
Or you think you do. But you've yet to learn
The ins and outs of the trick
Of the work that's done on a non-stop run
By a guy like Dead-eye Dick.
But Eskimo Nell was no infidel,
As good as a whole harem
With the strength of ten in her abdomen
And the rock of ages between.
Amid stops she could take the stream
Like the flush of a water closet,
And she gripped his cock
like a Chatswood Lock
On the National Safe Deposit.
But Dead-eye Dick could not come quick,
He meant to conserve his powers,
If he'd a mind he'd grind and grind
For a couple of solid hours.'
Nell lay for a while with a subtle smile,
The grip of her cunt grew keener,
With a squeeze of her thigh she sucked him dry
With the ease of a vacuum cleaner.
She performed this trick in a way so slick
As to set in complete defiance
The basic cause and primary laws
That govern sexual science.
She calmly rode through the phallic code
Which for years had stood the test,
And the ancient rules of the Classic schools
In a second or two went West.
And so my friends we come to the end
Of copulation's classic
The effect on Dick was sudden and quick
And akin to an anesthetic.
He fell to the floor and knew no more,
His passions extinct and dead,
And he did not shout as his prick fell out
Though 'twas stripped
right down to a thread.
Then Mexican Pete jumped to his feet
To avenge his pal's affront,
With jarring jolt of his blue-nosed Colt
He rammed it up her cunt
He rammed it up to the trigger grip
And fired three times three
But to his surprise she closed her eyes
And smiled in ecstasy.
She jumped to her feet with a smile so sweet
"Bully", she said, 'for you.
Though I might have guessed
that that was the best
That you two poor pricks could do.
"When next, my friend, that you intend
To sally forth for fun
Buy Dead-eyed Dick a sugar stick
And yourself an elephant gun."
"I'm going back to the frozen North,
Where the pricks are hard and strong
Back to the land of the frozen stand
Where the nights are six months long.
"It's hard as tin when they put it in
In the land where spunk is spunk
Not a trickling stream of lukewarm cream
But a solid frozen chunk.
"Back to the land where they understand
What it means to Fornicate
Where even the dead sleep two in a bed
And the babies masturbate.
"Back to the land of the grinding gland,
Where the walrus plays with his prong,
Where the polar bear wanks off in his lair
That's where they'll sing this song.
"They'll tell this tale on the Arctic trail
When the nights are sixty below,
where it's so damn cold that the johnnies are sold
Wrapped up in a ball of snow.
"In the valley of death with baited breath
That's where they'll sing it too,
Where the skeletons rattle in sexual battle,
And the rotting corpses screw.
"Back to the land where men are men,
Terra Bellicum.,
And there I'll spend my worthy end
For the North is calling: 'Come'."
So Dead-eye Dick and Mexico Pete
Slunk out of the Rio Grande,
Dead-eye Dick with his useless prick
And Pete with no gun in his hand.
A verse of appreciation:
When a man grows old
And his ball go cold
And the end of his prick turns blue
And the hole in the middle
Refuses to piddle,
I'd say he was fucked wouldn't you?
THE GOOD SHIP VENUS
'Twas on the good ship Venus,
My God you should have seen us,
The figurehead was a nude in bed
Sucking a red-hot penis
Chorus:
Frigging in the rigging,
Wanking on the planking,
Masturbating on the grating
There was fuck all else to do.
The captain's name was Slugger
He was a dirty bugger
He wasn't fit to shovel shit
On any bugger's lugger.
The first mate's name was Paul,
He only had one ball
But with that knacker he rolled his tobaccer
Around the cabin wall.
The second mate's name was Andy
His balls were long and bandy,
They filled his ass with molten brass
For pissing in the brandy.
The third mate's name was Morgan,
He was an ugly moron,
Three times a day he strummed away
Upon his sexual organ.
The captain's wife was Mabel
And whenever she was able
She gave the crew their Daily Screw
Upon the messroom table.
The Captain's randy daughter
Was swimming in the water,
Delighted squeals came as the eels
Entered her sexual quarter.
A cook whose name was Freeman.
He was a dirty demon,
He fed the crew on menstrual stew
And hymens fried in semen.
Another cook was O'Malley,
He didn't dilly dally,
He shot his bolt with such a jolt
He whitewashed half the galley.
The Boatswain's name was Lester,
He was a hymen tester,
Through hymens thick he shoved his prick
And left it there to fester.
The engineer was McTavish
And young girls he did ravish,
His missing ball's at Istanbul
He was a trifle lavish.
A homo was the Purser,
He couldn't have been worser,
With all the crew he had a screw,
Until they yelled: "Oh no sir."
Another one was Cropper
Oh Christ he had a whopper,
Twice round the deck, once round his neck
And up his bum for a stopper.
The cabin boy was Kipper,
A dirty little nipper,
They stuffed his ass with broken glass
And circumcised the skipper.
The ship's dog's name was Rover,
The whole crew did him over,
They ground and ground the faithful hound
From Singapore to Dover.
'Twas in the Adriatic
Where the water's almost static
The rise and fall of ass and ball
Was almost automatic.
The end of this narration
Came in jubilation,
For they sunk the junk in a sea of spunk,
Caused by masturbation.
So now we end this serial
Through sheer lack of material,
I wish you luck and freedom from
Diseases venereal
DO YOUR BALLS HANG LOW?
Do your balls hang low,
Do they dangle to and fro,
Can you tie them in a knot,
Can you tie them in a how,
Can you sling 'em o'er your shoulder
Like a continental soldier,
Do your balls hang low?
DARLING GRACE
Oh darling Grace
I love your face,
I love you in your nightie,
when the moonlight flits
Across your tits
Oh Jesus Christ Almighty.
DID YOU EVER SEE
Oh, I got an Aunt Sissy,
And she's only got one titty,
But it's very long and pointed
And the nipple's double jointed.
Chorus:
Did you ever see,
Did you ever see,
Did you ever see,
Such a funny thing before.
I've got a cousin Daniel,
And he's got a cocker spaniel,
If you tickled 'im in the middle
He would lift his leg and piddle.
Oh, I've got a cousin Rupert,
He plays outside half for Newport.
They think so much about him
That they always play without him.
Oh, I've got a cousin Anna
And she's got a grand piana.
And she ram aram aroma,
Till the neighbours say "God Damn Her."
THE TRAVELER
I came home on Saturday night
as drunk as I could be,
And there was a hat upon the rack
where my hat ought to be,
So I said to my wife, the curse of my life,
"Explain this thing to me,
Whose is that hat upon the rack
where my hat ought to be?"
"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool,
As drunk as drunk can be
That's not a hat upon the rack
But a chamber pot you see."
Well, I've traveled this wide world over,
ten thousand miles or more,
But a jerry with a hatband on
I never saw before.
I came home on Saturday night
as drunk as I could be.
And there was a horse in the stable
where my horse ought to be,
So I said to my wife, the curse of my life,
"Explain this thing to me,
Whose is this horse in the stable
where my horse ought to be?"
"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool,
As drunk as drunk can be
That's not a horse in the stable
But a milch cow you can see.
"Well, I've traveled this wide world over,
ten thousand miles or more,
But a milch cow with a saddle on
I never saw before.
I came home on Saturday night
as drunk as I could be,
And there were some breeks beside the bed
where my breeks ought to be,
So I said to my wife, the curse of my life,
"Explain this thing to me,
Whose are those breeks a-lying
where my breeks ought to be?"
"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool,
As drunk as drunk can be
Those aren't a pair of breeches
But a polishing cloth you see."
Well, I've traveled this wide world over,
a thousand miles or more,
But a polishing cloth with buttons on
I never saw before.
I came home on Saturday night
as drunk as I could be,
And there was a head on the pillow
where my head ought to be,
So I said to my wife, the curse of my life,
"Explain this thing to me,
Whose is this head a-lying there
where my head ought to be?"
"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool,
As drunk as drunk can be
That's not a head on the pillow,
But a mushmelon you see.
"Well, I've traveled this wide world over,
ten thousand miles or more,
But a mushmelon with a moustache
I never saw before.
I came home on Saturday night
as drunk as I could be
And there was a prick inside my bed
where my prick ought to be,
So I said to my wife, the curse of my life,
"Explain this thing to me,
Whose is this prick a-standing here
where my prick ought to be?"
"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool,
As drunk as drunk can be
That's not a prick a-standing there,
But a carrot that you see."
Well, I've traveled this wide world over,
ten thousand miles or more,
But a carrot with durex on
I never saw before.
I came home on Saturday night
as drunk as I could be.
There was a stain on the counterpane,
and it didn't come from me,
So I said to my wife, the curse of my life,
"Explain this thing to me,
What's this stain on the counterpane
which doesn't come from me?"
"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool,
As drunk as drunk can be
That's not a stain on the counterpane
But some baby's milk you see."
Well, I've traveled this wide world over,
ten thousand miles or more,
But baby's milk that smelt like cum
I've never smelt before.
THE ALPHABET
A is for arse holes all covered in hair,
Chorus:
Heigh Ho said Rolly.
B is the Bugger that wishes he were there,
Chorus:
With a rolly polly,
up 'em and stuff 'em,
Heigh Ho said Anthony Rolly.
C is for cunt all dripping with piss
D is the Drunkard who gave it a kiss.
E is for Eunuch with only one ball.
F is for fucking with no balls at all.
G is for Gonorrhea, Goiter and Gout,
H is for Harlot that spread it about.
I is Injection for clap, pox and itch.
J is for Jerk of a dog on a bitch.
K is for King who thought fucking a bore,
L is for Lesbian who came back for more.
M is for Maidenhead tattered and torn.
N is for Noble who died with a horn.
0 is for Orifice gently revealed.
P is for prick all Pranged up and Peeled.
Q is the Quaker who shat in his hat,
R is the Roger who rogered the cat.
S is the shit Pot all full to the brim.
T is the turds that are floating within.
U is the Usher who taught us at school.
V is the Virgin that played with his dick
W is the Wore who thought fucking a farce.
X, Y and Z you can stuff up your arse
ALL THE NICE GIRLS LOVE A CANDLE
All the nice girls love a candle,
All the nice girls love a wick,
For there's something about a candle
Which reminds them of a prick
Nice and greasy, slips in easy,
It's a girly's pride and joy,
It's been up our Lady Jane
And it's going up again,
Ship ahoy, ship ahoy.