EXPAT JOKES > SEXIST

ONE LINERS - (APOLOGIES IN ADVANCE)

• All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
• Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
• Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
• Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
• How can I get rid of some ugly fat? Send her home to mother.
• How can you tell a macho woman? She rolls her own tampons.
• How can you tell if a woman is wearing panty hose? Her ankles swell up when she farts.
• How can you tell if you are squeezing a woman the right way? You'll feel her crack.
• How can you tell if you eat pussy well? You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.
• How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up
• How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Phone her.
• How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There's a clock on the oven!
• How do you know god meant for men to eat pussy? Why else would he make it look like a taco.
• How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
• How do you make a woman scream for an hour after sex? Wipe your dick on the curtains.
• How do you make a woman scream twice? Fuck her in the ass, then wipe your dick on the curtains.
• How do you tell if your woman is sexually aroused? When you put your hand inside her panties it feels like a horse eating oats.
• How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!
• How does a man show he's planning for the Future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
• How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb? - None - let the bitch do it after she's done the dishes.
• How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner? Why the fuck should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing!
• How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you!
• If you are having sex with TWO women and ONE more woman walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings, most likely.
• If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
• Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...wedding cake
• What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Telewoman
• What are the three reasons that anal sex is better than vaginal sex? Its warmer, its tighter and its more degrading to the woman.
• What do you call a woman who can suck an orange through a water hose? Darling.
• What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
• What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant.
• What do you call pulling off a woman's panty hose? Foreplay
• What do you call the useless piece of skin around the fanny? A woman.
• What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Give her a kick.
• What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Fucking nothing, you've already told her twice !!!!
• What does a toilet and a woman have in common? Without the hole in the middle they aren't worth a shit
• What does an AIDS patient and the man you caught in bed with your wife have in common? Both have fucked into an early death
• What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is shagging her.
• What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
• What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
• What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it.
• What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb
• What's a wife? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
• What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down? Marriage.
• What's six Inches long, two Inches wide, and drives women wild? Money
• What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body except his own.
• What's the definition of a woman? A life support system for a pussy.
• What's the definition of the menstrual period? A bloody waste of fucking time.
• What's the definition of virginity? A big issue over a little tissue.
• What's the difference between a wife and a condom? Nothing! They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough on your dick.
• What's the difference between a woman and a coffin? You come in one and go out in the other.
• What's the difference between a woman and a computer? You only need to punch information into a computer once!
• What's the difference between a woman and a toilet? A toilet does not follow you around once you've used it.
• What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull? Lipstick.
• What's the difference between a woman's athletic team and a tribe of pygmies? The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts....
• What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak [whole week..!]
• What's the difference between P.M.S. and B.S.E? One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
• What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years, your job will still suck.
• What's the hardest part of a sex change operation? Removing half the brain.
• What's the most active muscle in woman? The penis.
• What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth? Albert Einstein's dick.
• What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
• Why are clams like women? When the red tide comes, you don’t eat them.
• Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away.
• Why are hurricanes called after women's names? What starts as a small blow ends up taking half your house away.
• Why are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
• Why are women like parking spaces? The best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
• Why are women like rocks? The flat ones are better to skip.
• Why are women like screen doors? Once they get banged a few times they loosen up.
• Why can't you trust women? How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and not die.
• Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair? Because they would fill up with dirt if you drag them around by the feet.
• Why did God create woman? Because sheep can't cook.
• Why did God create woman? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
• Why did god give women orgasms? So they can moan all night as well.
• Why did god make man first? Because he did not want a woman looking over his shoulder.
• Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf? They fought like animals and retained water for four days.
• Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
• Why do little girls carry gold fish in their pockets? To smell like big girls.
• Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
• Why do men fart more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
• Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
• Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.
• Why do women have belly buttons? To hold your gum on the way down.
• Why do women have legs? So they don't leave snail trails.
• Why do women have more trouble with haemorrhoids than men? Because God made man the perfect asshole.
• Why do women have periods? Because they deserve them.
• Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand nearer the sink.
• Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are 'stupid' but few are blind.
• Why do women skydivers wear tampons? So they don't whistle on the way down.
• Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? She knows she's given her last blow job.
• Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
• Why is a Launderette a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
• Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat? Both feel good but you wonder who was there before you,
• Why is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
• Why is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.
• Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Personal Ad Dictionary - Handy Dictionary to Decipher Personals Ads

WOMEN'S ADS
40-ish = 49
Adventurer = Slept with all your friends
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated = Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure = Medicated
Feminist = Fat ballbuster
Free spirit. = Junkie
Friendship first = Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun = Annoying
Gentle = Comatose
Good Listener = Borderline Autistic
New-Age = All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned = Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Poet = Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional = Certified Bitch
Redhead = Bad dye-job
Reubenesque = Grossly Fat
Romantic = Looks better by candle light
Social = Has been passed around like an hors doeuvres tray
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height = Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate = talker
Widow = Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart = Old bat

MEN'S ADS
40-ish = 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic = Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking = Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Free Spirit = Banging your sister
Friendship first = As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun = Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking =  = Arrogant
Very good looking = Dumb as a board
Honest = Pathological Liar
Huggable = Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Mature = Older than your father
Open-minded = Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit = Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet = Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive = Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive = Gay
Spiritual = Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable = Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful = Says "Excuse me" when he farts

Wine Analogies

Woman's Wine Quote: "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote: "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

DATING WOMEN

CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.

BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

LATIN WOMAN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car
Second Date: She is pregnant
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

POLISH WOMAN:
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.

CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex

Life and Maths / Man and Woman

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman =  pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. 
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. 
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. 
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION  SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. 
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. 
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY  INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. 
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. 
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE 
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. 
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY  SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN  STORAGE FACILITY 
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is RHYTHMICALLY CAUCASIAN 
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE  DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION 
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY  DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY  HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of  RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY  CHALLENGED 

DIFFERENCES IN THE MALE AND FEMALE ORGASM

There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.

The headquarters in the US calls:
"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the intercom screen." He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments later headquarters calls again:
"Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the intercom screen." He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment, trim the elevators and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen, trims the elevators and does the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again:
"Woman, please woman approach the screen." She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says.....

"I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, BUT don't touch anything."

SEVEN REASONS NOT TO GO TO THE GYM

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbours would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football on TV

Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

A man boards an aeroplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realises she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?". "Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states.
Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she is going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention? " "Lecturer" , she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains," one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent." Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says," I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".
"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos."

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Cindy Crawford are flying to a supermodels conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately! The three models start preparing for the worst.
Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What the hell are you doing fixing your face when we are about to crash!"
Claudia responds: I know for a fact that the rescue workers will search for and save first, the ones with the best looking faces, which is why I am putting on my make-up."
Cindy rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die?"
Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save the women with big beautiful breasts, which is why I am exposing my tits!"
Not hesitating, Naomi pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her "love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: Naomi, are you crazy? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"
Calmly, Naomi responds: "Please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for is the black box!"

The Perfect Woman

UGLY

• How can you tell if a woman is really ugly? A cannibal takes one look and orders salad.
• What in the definition of a virgin? An ugly third grader.
• What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About five drinks.
• Why is a woman like a dog turd? The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
• How can a woman tell she is ugly? Men only want to play dress poker with her.

FAT

• Why is a fat woman like a moped? They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on one.
• How do you know if a man has a really ugly wife? Her pet name is Spot.
• How can you tell if a woman is really fat? Her front door has stretch marks.
• How can you tell if a woman is really fat? She goes to Japan, and the sumo wrestlers cower in fear.
• What do you call a fat chick with a yeast infection? A Whopper with cheese
• How do you make love to a fat chick? Jerk off in your hand and throw it at her
• How does a woman know that she is overweight'? She's lying on a beach and the people from Greenpeace try to push her back into the sea.
• Did you hear about the woman who was so fat she couldn't get out of bed? She kept rocking herself back to steep.

BREASTS

• Why did god give women nipples? To make suckers out of men.
• Why do women have tits? So men will talk to them.
• How can you tell if a woman is flat chested? When she looks down the only bumps she sees are her knees.
• What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year-old does not? Her navel.
• What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for? It's Braille for "suck here"

ORAL SEX

• What does a man on a tightrope walking between two 10 story buildings and a man getting a blow job off a ninety year old, have in common. They both dare not look down.
• What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
• Why are cowgirls bowlegged? Because cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
• What do women and jelly have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.
• What do eating pussy and. the Mafia have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
• How do you tell if a woman likes oral sex? She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns.
• What's the difference between your pay cheque and your dick? You don't have to beg a woman to blow your pay cheque.
• Why do tampax have a string? So you can floss after you eat.
• Which of the following doesn't belong together? Meat, eggs. wife, or blowjob? A blowjob...because you can beat your meat, eggs. and wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.
• What’s the bad thing about the 69 Position? The view
• What's the best thing about a blow-job? Ten minutes of silence
• Why did god give men penises? So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

Here, Put Your Damn Glasses On

Examination Paper. SEXISM STUDIES

Time allowed 3 hrs. Attempt all questions.

Section A (50%)

Explain why the best women's cricket team in the world wouldn't stand a chance against you and ten of your mates. Include in your answer:

1. Why they throw the ball like spastics and catch crocodile style
2. What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the showers after the match.
3. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs.
4. Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for recreational purposes.
5. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful for it.
6. Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all Feminists are fat, ugly lesbians.
7. Compare and contrast video lesbians with those have encountered in real life.
8. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched at your mate’s house while his parents were away for the weekend. Include in your discussion a justification for such films to be considered "art-house" rather than pornographic.

• White Water Shafting
• Three Into One Will Go
• King Dong
• Speared by Zulu Lovers

Section B (50%)

1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart. What apparatus would you require?. What risks would you run in lighting a fart and what are the benefits?. Write a balanced chemical equation to describe the reaction that takes place when an eggy fart is lit in a pub with a match.
2. Name something a woman has invented.
3. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor granddad who worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he retired.
4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lamborghini Diablo and the Ferrari Testarossa without ever having seen, let alone driven, either.
5. Discuss the philosophical implications of this statement: "If a man speaks in a forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?"
6. Women drivers, eh? Discuss.

35 Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say

1. Do you think this dress makes me look too slim?
2. You take me out too much, can't we just stay in?
3. A fake one will do.
4. You look stressed out, let me give you a blowjob.
5. Have a night out with your mates, you deserve it.
6. That Pamela Anderson has a lovely body.
7. My mother is a real old bitch.
8. No, no, you buy me too much already.
9. Give it to me hard up the butt big boy, you know I love it.
10. What headache?
11. I'll swallow it all. I love the taste.
12. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
13. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
14. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
15. That was a great fart! Do another one!
16. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
17. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
18. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
19. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
20. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
21. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
22. I'll be out painting the house.
23. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
24. Honey, our new neighbour’s daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
25. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
26. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
27. Your mother is way better than mine.
28. Do me a favour, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
29. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
30. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
31. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
32. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
33. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
34. God. if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
35. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...

10 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say

1. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex.
2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all the fucking ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
3. You've got shit chance of me calling you.
4. No, I won't be gentle.
5. Of course you have to swallow.
6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
7. I hate your fucking friends.
8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.
9. I would rather watch a stick movie.
10. Eat it? It took me 10 beers to get up the courage to fuck it.

25 Reasons Why a Beer is Better than a Woman

1. A beer always goes down easy.
2. A beer doesn't care when you come.
3. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
4. A beer never has a headache.
5. A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer.
6. A frigid beer is a good beer.
7. Beer is always moist.
8. Beer is never late.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. Hangovers go away.
11. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.
12. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get a good head.
13. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
14. When you have finished with a beer the bottle is still worth 5 pence.
15. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
16. You always know when you're the first to pop a beer.
17. You can always share a beer with a few friends.
18. You can enjoy a beer anytime of the month.
19. You can have a beer in public.
20. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
21. You can share a beer with your friends.
22. You don't have to drive a beer home in the morning.
23. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
24. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
25. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.

Things you won't read on Hallmark cards

FRONT: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

FRONT: If I get only one thing for Christmas,
INSIDE: I hope it's your friend.

FRONT: Congratulations on your promotion.
INSIDE: Before you go though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

FRONT: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

FRONT: I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in Hell 'till I met you.

FRONT: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
INSIDE: What the fuck was I thinking?

FRONT: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

FRONT: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

FRONT: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

FRONT: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!

FRONT: We have been friends for a very long time,
INSIDE: let's say we call it quits.

FRONT: I'm so miserable without you,
INSIDE: it's almost like you're here.

FRONT: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: buy a dog.

FRONT: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.

Users guide to 'Drive-Through' cash-point machines.
Male Procedure
Drive up to cash machine
Wind down window
Insert card and enter PIN
Enter amount of cash to withdraw
Retrieve card, cash and receipt
Wind up window
Drive off

Female Procedure
Drive up to cash machine
Reverse back 1 metre to align window to machine
Stall engine
Wind down window
Enter handbag and remove make-up bag and locate card
Check make-up in rear view mirror
Attempt to insert card into machine
Open door to allow easier access to machine, due to distance from car to machine
Insert card
Re-enter handbag to find diary with note of PIN number
Insert PIN, press cancel and re-enter PIN
Enter amount of cash to withdraw
Check make-up and hair in rear view mirror
Retrieve cash and receipt
Locate purse and place cash inside
Locate cheque book to file receipt
Check make-up again
Restart engine and drive forward for 2 meters
Reverse back to cash machine
Stall car
Retrieve card
Locate cardholder in purse and enter card into slot
Recheck make-up
Restart engine and pull off
Drive for 3 miles
Release hand brake

The Sexes: Translations

Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly =You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important.
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.

Men's English:
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless, self-inflicted, psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = £50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you I am a deep person, maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER:
08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
08:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed OJ and croissants
09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and style
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 2 stones
13:00 3 Dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror
19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
22:00 Hot shower (alone)
22:30 Make love
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM:
06:00 Alarm
06:15 Blowjob
06:30 Massive shit while reading sports section of the national paper
07:00 Breakfast, filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
07:30 Limo arrives
07:45 Six pack of the finest brew enroute to the airport
08:15 Private chopper to championship golf course
09:45 Front nine (2 under the card)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 beers
12:15 Back nine (4 under the card)
14:15 Limo back to airport, more beers
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female topless crew
16:00 Land world record light tackle Marlin (1249lbs)
17:00 Lear jet back, massage & hand job by naked model
18:45 Shit, shower, shave
19:00 Watch newsflash: Howard resigns
19:30 Dinner, Lobster, appetizers, Grange (1963)
21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partages cigar
21:30 Sex with three women
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
23:45 Bed (alone)
23:50 12 second, 4 octave fart, dog leaves the room
23:55 Giggle yourself to sleep

It's Just One Fucking Thing After Another!

How To Shower Like a Man (Short version)

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend / wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs.
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again.
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
10. Wash your armpits.
11. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
12. Wash your arse.
13. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
14. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
15. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
16. Make a shampoo Mohican.
17. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
18. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
19. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
20. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
21. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend / wife, flash her.

How to shower like a woman (Long version: sorry, there is no short version with women)

1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning cos there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 33 degrees.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend / husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whinge even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Turn on the hot water only.
5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
6. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
7. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
9. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
10. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
12. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
13. Complain bitterly when you realise that your boyfriend / husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
15. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered, and anyway the hair helps keep you warm.
16. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.
17. Scream loudly when your boyfriend / husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.
18. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
19. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
20. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
21. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head If
22. You see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bedroom.

OIL CHANGING

Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a cheque for £50 for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off..
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floorboard in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands.
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step
40. Drive car.

The New Harley Davidson Model for Men:



The New Harley Davidson Model for Women

MENU : NEXT