DIANA and CHARLES
EXPAT JOKES > ROYALTY
ONE LINERS
The Queen Mum goes up to heaven and bumps into Princess Di and stops to chat. During the conversation she says to Di that she would like a halo as big as Di's. Diana replies "fuck off you cow ... this isn't a halo, its a fucking steering wheel !!!"
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven.
So she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".
Dolly is outraged, she screams, "What the hell was that all about? I show you two of God's most perfect creations and I am denied admission to Heaven, she performs a disgusting, hygiene act, and
gets in! I don't get it!"
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."
Sophie and the Queen were talking shortly before the wedding when the Queen said " Now Sophie, I think it's about time you and I talked about any problems you and Edward may have consummating the marriage" "Oh," said Sophie, "Everything's alright really, except ......" "Except what?" said the Queen, "don't be embarrassed, I've heard it all before". "Well, when I suck his dick and swallow, it tastes awful and gives me really bad heartburn." "Have you tried Andrews?" asked the Queen "Yes, but his tasted the same"
On the day of the royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic. Then her sister remembered
that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were agony.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they
expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.' 'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.' Then, to
their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said 'My God. That was even tighter.' 'That's my boy,' said the Duke.
'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'
The Queen and Princess Diana are going for a drive around Balmoral in their Range Rover, when they are approached by two muggers.
1st Mugger (To the queen). "Give us all your money!"
Queen. "I'm the richest woman in the world, I don't need to carry any money
2nd Mugger (To Diana). "Give us all your jewellery!"
Diana. "I don't need to wear jewellery, I'm the most beautiful woman in the world"
1st Mugger. "Well get out the car, we'll nick that"
The muggers drive away.
Diana. "I know when we left the castle you had at least a million pounds with you, what happened to that?"
Queen. "I saw the muggers coming and I stashed it in my fanny. Anyway I know when we left the castle you were dripping in diamonds and gold, what happened to them?"
Diana. " Well, I saw the muggers coming and I did the same"
Queen. "It's a shame Fergie wasn't with us, we could have saved the Range Rover!"
ROYAL WEDDING SOUVENIR
DIANA and CHARLES
King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
This is no good, Merlin!- the king exclaimed, -Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?-
Ah, sire, just observe.- said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. Merlin, you are a genius!- said the grateful monarch, -Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
Sir Galahad,- exclaimed King Arthur, the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!- But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless..