EXPAT JOKES > RELIGION

ONE LINERS

• What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

• What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness? Someone who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells you to sod off!

• What do AIDS and Jehovah's Witnesses have in common? They're both impossible to get rid of!

• Why did Moses wander the desert for forty years? He wouldn't ask for directions.

• What were the first words Adam spoke to Eve? Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.

• What do you give a pedophile who has everything? A bigger parish.

Jesus was up on the cross and he said "Peter, Peter."
Peter took one step forward and a Roman centurion hacked his right arm off
Jesus said "Peter, Peter."
Peter took another step forward and a Roman centurion hacked his left arm off
Jesus said "Peter, Peter."
Peter took another step forward and a Roman centurion hacked his right leg off
Jesus said "Peter, Peter."
Peter took a hop forward and a Roman centurion hacked his left leg off
Jesus said "Peter, Peter."
Peter rolled forward and a Roman centurion hacked his head off.
As Peter's head looked up at his master Jesus said,
"Peter Peter I can see your house from here"

Fred was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Fred  struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.
"We are a religious family, Fred, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"
Settling into the saddle, Fred said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Fred couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Fred reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...

The confession line was very long and the priest needed to use the bathroom badly.
He called in one of the alter boys and asked him to fill-in for a minute.
The priest gave him a list of sins & penance. Just match them up.
The first women confessed to giving the neighbor a blowjob and anal sex.
These weren't on the list, so the alter boy asked another alter boy,
"What does the father give for anal sex and a blowjob?"
"He usually gives me a bag of crisps and a can of coke."

A man goes into confessional, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned".
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
"I had sexual relations with my girlfriend"
"And how did you sin my son?"
"Well she was stretching up to the top shelf for a tin of baked beans, I was overcome with lust and we sinned"
"That's not too bad". says the priest
"Will I be banned from the church Father?"
The priest smiled and said "No my son, why do you ask ?"
"Well they banned us from Tescos".

A young lady goes into confessional, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

An elderly man goes into confessional, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?" responded the priest.
"Hell! I'm telling everybody!"

A drunk goes into confessional and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but the man still says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

An lady goes into confessional, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The lady says, "Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"That's not a sin" said the father, Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied the lady.
"What did he ask?"
The lady replies, "He said, 'Please, put down the gun..."

God thought It was about time Jesus got another job, so he called him over and said "I'm going to offer you two jobs, the first is on Earth paying £35,000, the second is on Venus paying £30,000.
Jesus thought for a minute and said "I'll take the one on Venus"
God said but it's only paying £30,000
Jesus said "yes but last time I was on earth I was hammered with tax"

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to curse at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I've been a minister for twenty-five years. I don't even remember how to curse."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya...

The Minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church. When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice. "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?" "Why reverend." the young thing replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts." "Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!" "Of course not reverend." she said. "You're not plugged in yet."

A Methodist Minister was seated next to a Catholic Priest on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The Catholic Priest asked for a whisky and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The attendant then asked the Minister if he would also like a drink.
The Minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The Catholic Priest then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

Lord, Save This Poor Sinner, But Only After She's Finished!

It was his wedding night and the minister had finished undressing in the bedroom. He was surprised to see that his bride had already slipped between the satin bed sheets.
"My dear," he said, "I thought I would find you on your knees."
She said, "Well darling, I can do it that way too, but it gives me hiccups!!"

BIBLE EXAM - Kids Answers

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off,
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is to humour thy father and mother.
The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, Man doth not live by sweat alone,'
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one wife, This is called monotony.

THE FOLLOWING ACTUALLY APPEARED IN CHURCH BULLETINS

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
The Ladies Literary Society will meet on Wednesday. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5.00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little Mothers please meet the minister in his study.
This being Easter Sunday we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water"... one of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join.
On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All wishing to do something on the carpet please come forward and get a piece of paper.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
This Friday at 7:00 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to Sin.

Guide to The Religions of the World......

Taoism: Shit Happens
Hare Krishna: Shit Happens Rama Rama Ding Dong
Hinduism: This Shit Happened Before
Islam: If Shit Happens, Take a Hostage
Zen: What is the Sound of Shit Happening?
Buddhism: When Shit Happens, Is it Really Shit?
7th Day Adventist; Shit Happens on Saturdays
Protestantism: Shit Won't Happen if I Work Harder
Catholicism: If Shit happens, I Deserve It
Jehovah's Witness: Knock, Knock, Shit Happens
Unitarian: What Is This Shit
Mormon: Shit Happens Again and Again and Again
Judaism: Why Does This Shit Always Happen To Me?
Rastafarianism: Let's Smoke This Shit.

THE POPE

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few, minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa, look at that fucker!"
Priest: "Uh please sir, can you mind your language?" Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a fucker!'
Priest: "Oh. I'm sorry - I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
Priest: "Look at this big fucker"
Bishop- "Please mind your language, this is a house of God. Priest "No, you don't understand that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it- and brings it to the head mother. Bishop: "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?"
Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No sister, that's what the fish is called - a fucker! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Head Mother: "Hmmmmm. Yes. I'll cook that fucker tonight."
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the fucker!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the fucker!"
Head Mother: "And I cooked the fucker!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a cigar, pours himself a large whiskey and says, "You know, you guys are all right

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Minooka got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from an evil incarnate.
Soon, everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused the Devil a bit, so he walked up to the man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
"Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
This time, the man said, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan was a little perturbed at this and asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tip of your penis. All of you males, take off your penis and hand it in with my sons. I will be sitting over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited.
"Quick!" he said, "get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window.
"Sorry, no land yet."
"Shit!" and out went Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"
"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!!"

A gentleman died and arrived in hell. He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder, gentler hell, each person is offered three choices of torture. The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1000 year cycles and you could pick which cycle in which to begin. So the Devil took the man to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains.
The man said he did not think that was where he wanted to start. They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a Cat-O-Nine Tails.
The man also declined this form of torture.
The third room had a man strapped to the wall naked and a very beautiful young leatherclad blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him. The man told the Devil that this was more like it, and this was the one he wanted.
The Devil said "Are you sure? It lasts for 1000 years!" The man assured him that this was the punishment he wanted. So the Devil walked over to the young woman and said, "Suzy, You can go now. I've found your replacement!"

After Adam ate the apple, he and Eve had "relations" for the first time. After it was over, God saw Adam smiling and asked him what he had been doing. Adam told him. "Where's Eve?" asked God. "At the river, washing herself." replied Adam. "Oh No!" exclaimed God, "I'll never get that smell out of the fish!"

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, and he heard a loud voice ask him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said "this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"
The answer was "an arm and a leg."
Adam then asked "What can I get for just a rib???"
The rest is history.

Adam says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," Adam says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

Eve, in the Garden on Eden, called out, "Lord, I have a problem." And the Lord said, "What's the matter, Eve?" I know you created me and this beautiful garden.
But I'm lonely and I'm sick of eating apples." "Well, in that case," replied the Almighty, "I'll create a man for you."
"What's a man?" she replied,
"He's a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, and enormous ego and an inability to listen.
But he's big and fast and muscular.
He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball and hunting animals and not too bad in the sack."
"Sounds great!" replied Eve "
There's one condition," added the Lord.
"You'll have to let him believe that I made HIM first"

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "When you preached, people slept; when he drove, people prayed."

One day, God and the devil decided to play 18 holes of golf. They toss a coin, and the devil tees off with a nice drive.
God tees off with an awful shot into the ruff. A squirrel running along grabs the ball in his mouth and scampers away. As the squirrel is scampering, an eagle comes out of the sky and snatches the squirrel, and flies high into the sky when it is hit by a bolt of lightning, frying it instantly. The golf ball falls to the ground and into the 1st hole.
The devil looks at God and says "Are you going to play golf, or fuck around all day?"

For Intellectuals - This was an "Actual Question" given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm.
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:- First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for temperature and the pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This givestwo possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until All Hell breaks loose.
2. Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in that area, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
This student got the only A.

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea; one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again". Christian replied, "No way man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked". Justin cried back "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed......... (wait for it, wait for it) ........................ I'm a prawn again Christian...!!!"

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.
The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced, for the answer.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply, Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"
The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it.

Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."
Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests."
Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else."
In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this."
Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you."
Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music."
Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 "Our Father's" and 5 "Hail Mary's" and you will be absolved of your sin.
A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the
church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."
"WHAT??!!" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement??"
Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously."

A missionary priest was sent to Teeside. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis.
With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"
The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice."
The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

Three nuns were assigned to paint a room in the convent. It was a very hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in their habits, so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked. Later they heard a knock at the door. "Who is it??".
The man replied, "I'm the blind man". The nuns decided to let him in as he could not see them. The nuns let him into the room The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said, "Nice tits sisters, where do you want the blinds??"

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered round the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

WAIT! WAIT! There's more . . .
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

THE GIRLS PRAYER

Our Cash
Which art on plastic
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag
In Harrods
As it is in Selfridges
Give us each day our Platinum Visa
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard
And lead us not into Next
And deliver us from Benneton
For thine is the Cartier, the Dior and the Armani
For Chanel No.5 and Eternity
Amex.

THE BOY'S PRAYER

Our beer
Which art in bottles
Hallowed be thy sport
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the pub
Give us each day our daily beverage
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into poofy wine tasting
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The chicks and the footy
Forever and ever
Barmen

Here is a prayer for the stressed, use it before bed every night

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.
And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the arse that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work:- 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday.
And remember... when I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my arm and smack the arsehole in the mouth

A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.
The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?" The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.
"May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.
"May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection. The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!" "Is that right" the nun replies? "Yes."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"

Two Nuns are stuck in a traffic jam, waiting for the lights to change, when a vampire lands on the windscreen.
"Oh sister what shall we do" the younger nun said.
"Don't panic" said the older nun. "Simply show it your cross".
The younger nun opened the window and shouted "FUCK OFF YOU LITTLE BASTARD".

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said that he'd get right on it.
The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone 'must' attend!"
"Of course, sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."
Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations in his heart and started to listen.
She said, "Hey, Pete! This is Maggie. Never mind!"

A bus full of nuns plummets off a cliff. They all die.
Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well, now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your holiness," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line,
"If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it!"

Man in barber shop just prior to going on his holiday.
Barber "Where you going for your hols?"
Customer "Rome!"
Barber "You won't like it there, your money'll go in a couple of days, the food is total rubbish and the people are rude, you've got no chance of seeing the pope".
Two week later, same customer same barber.
Customer "God what a holiday, I brought back most of my money had to buy an extra holdall to carry all the gifts we were given, as for the food I gained six pounds in weight, when we went to see the pope the people made a path for us right to the balcony and the pope even spoke to me."
Barber "What did he say?"
Customer "Who the fuckin' hell cuts your hair!"

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.
The first woman tells, her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.
" The second woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, 'Your Grace'.
" The third woman says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'.
" The fourth woman continued sipping her coffee in silence, so the first three women give her a subtle, "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied male stripper who's hung like a horse and shows it. When he walks into a room, people gasp, 'Oh, my God!' "

There were two evil brothers, they were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye.
They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true and the church started to swell in numbers.
A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.
The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."
The pastor gave his word and deposited the check. The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family."
After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,
"But compared to his brother, he was a saint...."

Jesus and Satan were having a major argument about who was the best on a computer.
They had been going at it for days, and God was getting tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours and at the end of the two hours I will judge who has done the better job."
So down sat Jesus and Satan at the keyboards, They typed, They moused, They did spreadsheets, They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job that could be done on a pc.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

There's a Christian who's hiking in the woods one day when he comes upon an angry bear.
The bear stood up on its hind legs and growled ferociously, clearly preparing to charge.
In panic, the Christian started to run, but the bear followed close on his heels.
Finally the hiker came to a cliff. So he dropped to his knees and asked God to please make this bear a good Christian bear.
To the hiker's amazement, the bear suddenly stopped growling, fell to his knees and folded his paws together in prayer!
"Thank you, Lord!" exclaimed the Christian.
"Thank you, Lord!" exclaimed the bear, "for this meal I'm about to receive!"

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh?
Who the hell are you?" "Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "
What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird answered: "Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus"

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