EXPAT JOKES > RECRUITMENT

Universal Situations Vacant Ads Translator

Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission. 
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law. 
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this. 
Fast learner: You will get no training from us. 
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours. 
Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing. 
Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme. 
Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory. 
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors. 
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work. 
Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements. 
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already. 
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters. 

Universal Reference Translator

Accepts new assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Alert to company developments: Unstoppable office gossip.
Tends to take things too easily: Kleptomaniac.
This is a well balanced candidate: Has a chip on each shoulder.
A man like him is hard to find: Chronic absentee.
Does not care how many hours he puts in: Poor timekeeper.
Active socially: Alcoholic.
He is at his best in the morning: Lunch time drinker.
He usually is loaded with work to do: Alcoholic.
We can assure you that no person would do the job better: Leave the position unfilled.
We urge you to waste no time in making this person an offer of employment: Don't waste your time employing him.
I cannot recommend this person too highly: If I did I'd be lying.
I cannot say too many good things about this person: If I did I'd be lying.
I feel his talent is wasted here: We haven't found anything he is capable of.
He was fired with enthusiasm: We were enthusiastic.
There is nothing you can teach this man: He's too stupid.
Her true ability was deceiving: Don't trust her!
Thank you for your recent application, I shall waste no time reading it: It's filed in the rubbish bin.

Universal Resume Translator

I know how to deal with stressful situations: I'm currently on long term Prozac treatments.
I am able to take the time to interact well: I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I have strong communication skills: I talk too much.
I'm proud of my organizational skills: I love to tell other people what to do.
I'm extremely adept at all manner of complex office organization: I've used Microsoft Office some.
I'm honest, hard-working and dependable: I only pilfer office supplies.
My pertinent work experience includes: To say nothing of all the McJobs I've had.
I take pride in my work: I blame others for my mistakes.
I'm balanced and centered: I keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
I have a good sense of humor: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and tell them badly.
I'm personable and interested in others: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'm willing to relocate: I've just been evicted again.
I have a stable personal life: Once I finish with this latest divorce, that is.
I'm extremely professional: I have a Day-Timer calendar thingee.
My background and skills match your requirements: At that piddling salary, you're lucky to get anyone.
I am adaptable: I've changed jobs a lot.
I am always on the go: I'm never at my desk.
I'm highly motivated to succeed: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.
I have formal training: My probation officer says I'm a natural student.
I interact well with all co-workers: All those sexual harassment charges were a sham.
I have a pleasant phone manner with lots of experience: I'm always making personal telephone calls.
I look forward to hearing from you soon: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Subject: Letter of Recommendation

While working with Mr. X, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment on time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. X should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be
sent away as soon as possible.

Branch Manager

P.S.

Mr. X WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THIS REPORT . KINDLY READ ONLY EVERY OTHER LINE (LINES 1,3,5,7,...) FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.

It's called take home pay because its too small to go home by itself.

Luckily - we've not received CV's quite as bad as these - yet!

• "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
• "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
• "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
• "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
• "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
• "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
• "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
• "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
• "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
• "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
• "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
• "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
• "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
• "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
• "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
• "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
• "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
• "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
• "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
• "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
• "Marital status: often. Children: various."
• "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
• "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
• "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
• "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

.....and at the interview

• Said he was so well-qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.
• Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
• Brought her large dog to the interview.
• Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles. Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.
• She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.
• Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.
• Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
• Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
• Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.
• Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.
• Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his body.
• Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
• Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
• When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
• Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
• Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
• Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.
• Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
• Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.
• Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
• While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
• During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
• A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
• An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.
• His attaché case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.
• He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.
• He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.
• Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
• He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
• Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.
• She threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened.
• Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.
• Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

EMPLOYEE REFERENCE

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

______________________has from_____________ to ____________ been employed as a technician on the commissioning team on the Zuluf Arabian Medium Wet Crude Facility Handling facility, Safaniya, Saudi Arabia.

During this time he was engaged principally in drinking coffee and / or tea in the commissioning office. Now and then (between cups of coffee) he did the odd (very odd) job on the two 45,000 BHP Pratt and Whitless GG4C gas turbines, and associated Nuovo Pignone compressors, he also worked on all aspects of overall process control and blue videos.

He has proved to be a useless cunt, unreliable and a right pain in the arse, with an enthusiastic approach to avoiding work.

He is an unfriendly morose twat, fitting in well with the other cunts on the team.

I would not hesitate to recommend him to any future prison warden.

You will be lucky to get this man to work for you.!

R. Ward.

Commissioning team leader.

To all Employees

Re: Revised Retirement Policy

As a result of the reduction in money budgeted for divisional purposes, we are going to cut down our number of personnel.

Under the plan, older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of this budget year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

The program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to work other jobs within the system. Provided that they are being RAPED they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This phase of the operation is called SCREW ( Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers ).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may also apply for a trial service. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Progress policy dictates that employees must be RAPED once & SCREWED twice, but they may get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If the employee fills the above requirements, he/she will be entitled to HERPES

( Half Earnings of Retired Persons Employment Service ).

HERPES is considered a bonus plan, as the employee can no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.

NOTE : Early retirement personnel may get Assistance for Immediate Displacement Service (AIDS).

Since AIDS has serious implications, one should request this assistance only once.

Sign up for Additional Training

It is now & has always been the policy of the company to ensure employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).

We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this region. If any employee feels he or she does not receive SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Our management is especially trained to ensure that you will get all the SHIT that you can stand !!!

I’m Sorry Sir, But You’re Circumcised,
And My Boss Say’s You Must Be A Complete Prick To Work Here

SUBJECT: SUPERVISORS REPORT:

EMPLOYEE: __________________________Works No: ___________________

Supervisor: ___________________________Works No: ___________________

Date of review: ___________________________

To the best of my knowledge the above underlined phrases best describe the above employee.

Signed: _____________________

ROYAL NAVY PERSONNEL DEVELOPMENT REPORTS

• "His men would follow him anywhere but only out of curiosity."
• "I would breed from this officer."
• "Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat."
• "This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
• "This officer should go far and the sooner he starts the better."
• "This medical officer has only used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port."
• "When She opens her mouth it is only to change whatever foot was previously there."
• "Since my last report he has hit rock bottom and started to dig."
• "He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle."
• "I've seen more life in a used condom."
• "He's as much use as balls on the pope."
• "She sets low standards and consistently fails to achieve them."

There once was a human resource manager who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died.
Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a human resource manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." Said the human resource manager. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven" "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the human resource manager in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and the human resource manager found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow human resource managers that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The human resource manager was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven." So the human resource manager spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity." The human resource manager paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the human resource manager went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the human resource manager. "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled, "That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff."

Signs you hired the wrong Fireworks Expert
Business card reads, "Sponsored by St. Luke's Burn Unit."
His degree, from the Wile E. Coyote Demolition Academy, is an *honorary* degree.
His grand finale involves pork & beans and a Bic lighter.
The punk he keeps trying to light has orange hair and a nose ring.
Asks if he should shoot off Quaker Puffed Rice or Oats when the 1812 Overture begins.
Big 4th of July show ends with 50-foot tall sparkling message: "Happy Bar Mitzvah, Howie Goldfarb."
He finally shows up on July 6th smelling like a refinery.
Tied a monkey to a skyrocket "so's I can get me a grant from NASA!"
He wants to know if he can "borrow" your dog for the finale.
Insists on humming the "Mission Impossible" theme every time he lights a fuse.
and the Number 1 Sign You Hired The Wrong Fireworks Expert...
For kicks, sticks roman candle in nose and chases kids around.

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