EXPAT JOKES > POLITICS
Quotes of George W. Bush
The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do. The situation: You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been
lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed. Let's say that you're a photographer and getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.
You come across Osama bin Laden who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a
Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb. So, here's the question and think carefully before you answer the question below:
Which lens would you use?
From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: Team Mates
Re: Subject: The Cave
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as
well as the Garfield that says "Hang In There, Baby." Very hilarious.
However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the carpet dust in our cave.
We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) so we need to sweep the cave daily, I've done my bit on the cleaning rota... have you?
I've posted a sign up sheet near the cave reception area, (next to the toaster).
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare most of the world population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the
background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Just while we're taping. Thanks.
Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm
saying.
Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar, and
Trevor.
Love you lots, Group Hug.. Os.
PS I'm sick of having Osama's Bed Linen scribbled on my bed sheets - cut it out Abdul, not funny anymore!
No need for profiling as per our Law Makers?
Let's pause a moment and take the following test and see why we need profiling?.
TAKE THE FOLLOWING TEST CHOOSE A, B, C OR D.
In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwartzeneger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1979,the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
During the 1980's, a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. The Boy Scouts
b. John Dillinger
c. The King of Sweden
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1985, the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a
70-year old
American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver was murdered by:
a. Captain Hook
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from the train job.
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1993, the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
c. World Wrestling Federation to promote a new villain Mustapha the Merciless
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed, and thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 2002, the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 2002, reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonny and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
Was it A, B or C, NO or was it D?. You Got it, it is D.
Hmmm . . . nope, no patterns anywhere to justify profiling!!!!! ?????
Last week there was a very important meeting between God, Moses and the Pope.
They were troubled because of the way President Bill Clinton was behaving.
They decided the only course of action was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across. The problem was how to word it so it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration
to others.
After prolonged meditation and discussion, they decided on: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff".
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of
the day. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln".
The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have A Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy".
The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses
them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze.
When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet in Saddam's Palace for a round of talks in a new peace process.
When Bill Clinton sits down he notices that on the arm of Saddam's armchair there are three buttons. They begin talking, and five minutes into the discussion Saddam presses the first button and a
boxing glove springs out from nowhere and punches Bill in the face.
Saddam finds this very amusing and begins to chuckle. Mr Clinton ignores this in a hope to find peace.
Five minutes later Saddam presses the second button, which causes a boot to come out from under the table and kick Clinton in the shin.
At this point Saddam is in fits of laughter nearly falling out of his seat. Clinton is a tad pissed off but says to himself, "What the hell, if we can make peace then it will all be
worthwhile."
They continue their discussions and not five minutes later Saddam presses the third button which causes a boot to come out from under the table and repeatedly kick Clinton in the bollocks.
Clinton turns round to Saddam, who has finally fallen from his chair and is rolling around the floor in fits of laughter, and Clinton says, "I've had enough of this. I'm going back to
Washington. We'll talk about this in a couple of weeks," and he storms out of the palace.
Two weeks later Saddam has come to the White House to finish off the talks. When he sits down he notices that there are three similar buttons on Bill Clinton's chair to the one he has.
Saddam thinks to himself, "Clinton is obviously looking for revenge since he visited my palace, but I'm prepared."
They begin talking and Bill Clinton presses the first button. Saddam ducks, expecting to be hit, and Clinton bursts into laughter, but nothing happens to Saddam. A few seconds pass and the talk
restarts, then Clinton presses the second button. Saddam jumps out of his chair to dodge any oncoming attack and Clinton starts laughing again, but still nothing happens to Saddam.
Saddam sits back down, and as soon as he's sitting, Clinton presses the third button. Saddam dives to the floor, Clinton is laughing hysterically, but still nothing happens.
Saddam decides that he's had enough of this game and says, "Fuck this, I'm going back to Baghdad."
Through tears of laughter Clinton says, "What Baghdad?"
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office playing Ninetendo wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hello Mr Hussein," a heavily accented voice says. "Dis here is Patrick O'Kelly down here in Kilkenny, Ireland. Oi'm ringin' to inform you dat oi'm officially declaring war on
you!!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replies with a slight tyrannical giggle "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"Er well at dis moment in toime," says Paddy after a moments calculation, "der be meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Liam, Murphy along with the entire darts team from the
pub - dat makes 8!"
Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have a million special forces troops in my army waiting to move on my word"
"Oh shit, would that be roight?" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back. "Roight Mr Hussein, the war is still on! Oive managed to
acquire some equipment!"
"What equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks in a sarcastic tone.
"Well, we be havin' 2 combine harvesters, a motorboike, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm"
Once more Saddam sighs and says, "I must tell you Paddy that I have 16 thousand tanks, 2 thousand mine layers, 14 thousand armoured cars and my army has increased to one and a half million since
we last spoke"
"Fook me, is dat roight!" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Right Mr Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get
ourselves airborne! We've kitted out old Ted's crop srayer with a couple of roifles in de cockpit there and our local rugby team has joined us as well!"
Once more Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers and 20 thousand Mig 109 attack planes and my military complex is surrounded by laser guided surface to air
missile sites and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million"
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Roight Mr Hussein, oim am sorry to tell you that we have had to
call off the war."
"I'm very sorry to hear that," says Saddam, "why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "We've all had a chat and there's no way we can cope with 2 million
prisoners"
A friend of mine had to go to London yesterday, but the traffic came to a dead halt just by Hammersmith. She thought to herself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's
even moving."
She noticed a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so she rolls down her window and asks, "Constable, what's the hold up?"
Plod replies: "Tony Blair is just so depressed about Mo Mowlam's resignation, the fuel blockades, his kids getting into trouble here and abroad, and his general dive in the popularity stakes,
that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the road and he's threatening to douse himself in the last bit of petrol in the Prime-Ministerial Rolls and set himself on fire. He says his cabinet
hates him, Gordon Brown's not even talking to him, he doesn't have the money to pay for Cherie's next shopping trip for Baby Leo, and the Royal Flight has refused to provide the transport for his
Christmas holiday. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
"So far only about three hundred gallons but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
POLITICS SIMPLIFIED
Capitalism:
You have two cows; you sell one and buy a bull.
Socialism:
You have two cows and give one to your neighbour.
Communism:
You have two cows; the government takes both and gives you some milk.
Fascism:
You have two cows; the government takes both and sells you the milk.
Nazism:
You have two cows, the government takes both and shoots you.
Bureaucratism:
You have two cows, the government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.
Kennedy Jr.
What do the Kennedy's fear the most? Old age.
What was the temperature off of Martha's Vineyard after JFK's plane went down? Three below.
What's the new Kennedy documentary? Three Funerals and A Wedding.
JFK Jr's. Last words: I wish I hadn't bought this damn plane from John Denver!!!
What was JFK Jr's. favourite movie? Splash.
Why didn't the wedding guests at Hyannisport want JFK Jr. to show up? He was a complete wreck.
JFK Jr. couldn't handle the publicity. He just went to pieces.
Where do the Kennedy's' go for their vacation? All over Martha's Vineyard.
What was the forecast for Cape Cod? Cloudy, with widely scattered bodies and debris.
What was JFK Jr drinking at the time of the crash? Ocean Spray.
How did JFK Jr learn how to fly? Crash course.
How are the Kennedy's like oil? They don't mix well with water.
Why didn't JFK shower before the plane flight? He figured he'd just wash up on shore.
Damn it, can't one Kennedy die by natural causes.
JFK Jr was not drunk! It was watered down.
What do Republicans say about JFK Jr's. political chances for President? All washed up.
Monica Lewinsky
What do Monica Lewinsky and a coin machine have in common? They both have a slot saying INSERT BILL HERE.
Why doesn't Chelsea Clinton have any brothers or sisters? Monica swallowed them all.
Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies,
"Come again?"
"No," she says... "Mustard."
They found out Monica was hard of hearing.
Clinton had asked how she liked her "Intern Course" at the "Oval" office.
Her reply: She liked "Intercourse, oral or not, at the office."
How do you know when there's a gay president in the White House? All the cigars taste like shit.
First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men
having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker." Janet responded. "Just because I am aesthetically challenged [that's "politically
correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?" Janet said, "Whenever I feel that
a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart I can."
Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed to bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts
all day, and was ready for him. She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolls over and asks, "That you, Janet?"
George W. Bush and Bill Clinton decided to go over a few last minute details on the transfer of power while getting haircuts.
Clinton finished first, and the barber asked him, "What type of cologne would you like, the expensive or the cheap kind?"
"Give me the good stuff. I don't want Hilary thinking I was in a whorehouse."
Bush was finished a moment later and the barber asked him the same question. Bush replied, "Give me anything. My wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like."
Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Richard Nixon are on the Titanic and it's sinking. George says, Women and Children First, Nixon says, Screw them; Bill says, do we have enough time!
First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were have one of those girl to girl talks.
Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men wanting to have sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."
Janet responded, "Just because I am esthetically challenged (that's politically correct for ugly) doesn't mean that I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"
Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I try with all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart I can muster."
Well, that night Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would want some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet"
Ribbit
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3-wood and, Boom! Hole-in-one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,
"OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful".
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the
frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
Thank you for your co-operation.
Yanks reply to 'US Back Under UK Rule'.....
To the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:
We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!
However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a 'backward step' by the majority of the world.
To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.
p.s. - regarding World War 2: You're Welcome.
After the micro surgeons’ conference in New York, the leading surgeons were in a bar and, being as drunk as skunks, began to reminisce over their greatest feats.
The first an Australian surgeon explained: - "we had a chap caught in a printing press at a factory last year and all that was left of him was his little finger. Our team of surgeons constructed a new hand and built a new arm, engineered a new body and ultimately, when he returned to the workforce, he was so efficient, he put 5 men out of work".
"That's nothing", added the American surgeon, "we had a worker trapped inside a nuclear reactor and all that was left of him was his hair, we constructed a new skull, a new torso and new limbs and returned him to the workforce. He is now so efficient, he has put 50 men out of work".
The English surgeon was not to be outdone! "I was walking down the street when I got the smell of a fart, so I took it back to the hospital in a dustbin liner. Then I let it loose on the operating table and got to work, first of all we wrapped an arsehole around it, built a bum around that, attached a body at one end and legs to the other. Gradually it turned into a man called Norman Lamont and he has put the whole country out of work"
THE SEX TAX (Shows it's age doesn't it?)
The country was in a terrible state,
The Parliament rose for the budget debate,
It was quite a few moments before THATCHER spoke,
Then she said, "Sex will cost two quid a poke".
Whether you're short, long, skinny or thick,
The tax will be paid on the use of the prick,
Then TONY BENN said "MAGGIE; look here,
Will the tax be paid for the boys who are queer?"
Treasurer LAWSON rose and looked glum,
He said "MAGGIE, will I be exempt because I only like bum?"
MAGGIE replied, she sounded quite airy,
"You'll pay double, you big fucking fairy!"
Up rose DAVID STEEL to tremendous applause,
He grabbed hold of SHIRLEY and ripped off her drawers,
He straddled across her and shagged her at will,
Then shouted to MAGGIE, "Put that on your bill".
MICHAEL FOOT then shouted "I'll resign,
I haven't had sex for a very long time,
I crave every night for a big juicy crutch,
but for two quid a time? that's too fucking much".
The debate carried on, oh what a sight,
KINNOCK was wanking for the whole of the night,
MP's were cumming, the speaker was last,
And in the excitement the dumb bill was passed.
So now in the bedrooms of England each night,
There's a crutch that is closed good and tight,
They are taxing our booze and taxing our smokes,
And now the bastards are taxing our pokes.
If two quid a grind is the price that we must pay,
It is now with ourselves that we must play,
So to quench our frustration we have to wank,
And for the state of the country, we have THATCHER to thank.
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."