EXPAT JOKES > POLICE
ONE LINERS
The drunk rushed up the stairs to the fifth floor of a building and threw himself out of a window.
A crowd gathered around -him as he lay on the pavement.
A policeman dashed to the spot and knelt beside the man, 'What happened?'
'Don't ask me,' said the drunk. 'I only just got here myself.'
A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences.
After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling - what should I do?
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.
"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road ..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign
and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and
groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun. Things were
really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside.
All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself. "Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.
Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized. "Well," the cop said, "I will have to write you a ticket." So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time
to watch their behavior.
After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. Her boyfriend replied, "Doing 69 in a 35 zone."
Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Cop if Pulled Over this Summer
The Best Comeback Line Ever
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.
Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I
thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was
appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin!?" Damn... is it midnight already?"
A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand. "What's going on 'ere then?" Says a passing policeman. "They stole me bloody car!" shouts the drunk.
"Where did you last see it?" asks the copper. "On the end of this key!" wails the drunk.
The policeman looks him over and says, "Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?" "Holy shit!" screams the drunk, "They got me girlfriend
too!"
JUST SAY NO!
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever".
"17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
O O
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That’s admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
O O
"I said, (pointing to the small circle) this is your asshole before prison......"
An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over onto the side of the road. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" "This is the police" a voice replied, what the hell are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident and it is a bad one. Both of their cars are totally destroyed but amazingly, neither the man nor the woman is hurt. After they crawl out of
their cars, the woman says to the man, "So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied, " I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our
good fortune!" Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens the bottle, drinks half of it and hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle,
immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you going to have any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just co-operate with
anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved that you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you're cute!"
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
Next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Thibodeaux
and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
A man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and
stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk
stood there staring down at the sheets, a police officer who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?"
Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
Little Johnny's class were on a trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunken driving violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try
his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the
officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyser test to determine his blood-alcohol content. The results showed a reading of zero. The puzzled officer demanded to know how
that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
One night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled him over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "Aye, so I have," says Pat. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads went by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these margaritos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those." Pat continued, "Then I had to drive me friend's home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness, couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later." Pat fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test." Indignantly, Pat said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"
This guy is speeding down the road, and he comes over a bridge.
Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over.
The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"
The guy says, "I'm late for work."
"What do you do?"
The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?"
The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."
The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge....."
A motorist was stopped by a traffic patrol and informed by the sergeant he had been travelling at ninety miles per hour.
'Nothing of the sort, sergeant,' snorted the man, 'I was only doing fifty'
'You were doing ninety.'
'I tell you I was doing fifty,' shouted the man.
At which point his wife interjected, 'No use arguing with him officer. He's always like this when he's had a few drinks.
A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign.
"May I see your driver's license and registration please."
"What's the problem, officer?"
"You just ran through that stop sign back there."
"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."
"Nevertheless, sir, you are required to come to complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me."
"It's no joke, sir."
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now, if I may see your license and..."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the donut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately."
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."
The policeman had enough.
"Sir, I can do better than that."
He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his truncheon.
"Now, sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to complete stop?"
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circleflies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well, yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, " Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, Hard to fool them flies though."
A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" "No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."