EXPAT JOKES > POETRY

HOW A PUSSY WAS MADE

Seven wise men made up their minds,
To build them a Pussy of their designs.
The first a Carpenter full of wit,
With a hammer and chisel he made the split.

The second was a Blacksmith blacker than coal,
With hammer and anvil he made the hole.
The third was a Taylor long and thin,
With a piece of red ribbon he lined it within.

The fourth was a Furrier big and stout,
With the skin of a bear, he lined it without.
The fifth wan a Fisherman old and bent,
With a rotten herring he gave it a scent.

The sixth was a Preacher with a B.A. degree,
He patted it, felt it and said it could pee.
The seventh was a Rabbi a mean little runt,
He fucked it and blessed it and called it a Cunt.

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their own design.
First was a butcher, sharp with wit,
using a knife he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
using red velvet he lined it within.

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fur he trimmed it about
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell

Sixth was a preacher, whose name was Magee,
touched it and blessed it and said it could pee
Finally came a sailor, a dirty little runt,
he sucked it he fucked it and called it a....

"Shower the people you love with love."--James Taylor
"Shower with the people you love."--Anonymous

LOVE POEM (Anon)

Of course I love you darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say your gorgeous
I mean every single word

So you bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's something there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell you, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle you
I can get my arms around there

No bird who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave into gravity
But I know you did your best

I'm telling you the truth now
I never tell you lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on your thighs

I swear on my nannas grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever going to get

No matter what you look like
I'll always love you dear
Now shut up while the footys on
And get me another beer!

Fuck Valentines Day

Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
It’s definitely the most annoying day of the year

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupids ass
I’ll spend the day so drunk I can’t speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week

Guys act all sweet, but it will soon fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit

So here’s my story ... what else can I say?
Love bites my ass ... Fuck Valentines Day

BIONIC FRED.

This is the tale of young Freddie Bloor,
Whose sexual equipment was jammed in a door,
By the time they had freed him, he didn’t feel well,
For his poor private parts were all mangled to hell.

They rushed him to hospital the ambulance it flew,
But when they arrived, there was nowt that they could do,
What a sad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
To a life without sex, and a high squeaky voice.

But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool,
Some bright spark suggested a bionic tool,
A smart new electric one made out of brass,
Though the batteries would have to be kept up his arse.

So newly equipped, and after a rest,
Fred thought he would put his new tool to the test,
So finding a woman, the nearest one handy,
Filled her with drink, and made her feel randy

The Girl without waiting put her hand in Fred’s flies,
When she felt what was there she cried out in surprise,
"That's my bionic chopper, now lets have some fun",
"Cor blimey" she, said "It felt just like a gun''.

They both stripped off quick, and Fred entered her fast,
And turned up the speed knob and gave her full blast,
They clutched tight to each other as Fred’s dick shook them more,
Then they shook off the bed and rolled onto the floor.

Now the pace hotted up and they started to choke,
As the air in the room became filled with blue smoke,
With a bang Fred’s left bolIock shot into the air,
And the other went honketty-bonk down the stair.

So back for repair went Fred full of woe,
Was this how his sex life was destined to go?
A return to the Doctor at the end of each shag,
With a prick in his pocket and his bolIocks in a bag.

But they fixed young Fred up and made him manly again,
And they helped out the batteries with a flex for the main,
So if he can't get a girl now Fred doesn't cry,
Cos' he's AC / DC, and can go with a guy.

MY QUIM

I am so glad I asked my Jim,
To tell me all about my quim,
Wonderful things in the paper, there be,
But this information I never did see.

So Jim, with his hand inside my drawers,
Gave me the low-down on natures laws,
"Oh what a beauty" I heard him say,
As he took off my drawers and paved the way.

He rubbed my belly and down to my knees,
The thrill and excitement nearly made me wee,
Caressing my titties he said what a pair,
Then his hand wandered down to my curly hair.

Slowly but surely my thighs opened wide,
And Jim (naughty boy) stuck his thumb inside,
I got all excited and to my surprise,
I fumbled about and undid his flies.

There stood a thing he called his prick,
Six inches long and two inches thick,
It throbbed as I squeezed it, I thought it was fine,
Me holding his thing, and he holding mine.

Then he told me I had a sensation to come,
If I’d have his prick where he had his thumb,
So I laid on my back and Jim the big brute,
Pushed it all the way up to my hairy shoots.

My maiden was tearing, I cried, "don’t be cruel",
But there I was, stuck on the end of his tool,
My tummy was funny, I started to jump,
For he was working his tool like an old fashioned pump.

It thrilled me so much that I couldn’t say no,
So belly to belly we worked to and fro,
Jim’s balls were soon knocking against my arse,
With lovely long strokes, what more could I ask?

Faster and faster with each lovely stroke,
It went up so far I thought I would choke,
Then he got frantic and squeezed me to him,
And I felt his love juice go right up my quim.

CAPTAIN BEAKY (the true story)

Captain Beaky shot his load
Right up the arse of Timid Toad
Now Timid Toad he smelled a rat
So slipped a length up Batty Bat

Batty Bat let out a howl
And grabbed the balls of Artful Owl
Artful Owl said "I liked that"
And gave a wank to Reckless Rat

Reckless Rat, he flipped his lid
And tried to gobble Hissing Sid
Now Captain Beaky went to court
To face the charges that Toad had brought

The summons bought against him meant
He'd fucked poor Toad without consent
"Is this true?" said Justice Pig
"Poor Timid Toad you tried to frig?".

"It's true said Bat. "I saw it all
Beaky's only got one ball."
"One ball or not," the judge did say
"Poor Toad is in the family way."

Now Captain Beaky's off to Rampton
To have six inches off his hampton.

ROBIN HOOD

You’ve heard the tale of Robin Hood
And how he did the poor people good
But there’s more to this famous story
Of Sherwood forests pride and glory

At night when all the robbing was done
Robin and his men would have some fun
In fact it would be fairer to say
The merry men were rather gay

As Little John starts to unwind
Robin takes him from behind
As they frolic in the grass
Robin rams him, up the ass

One night when they were all at play
A gorgeous maiden came their way
She walked up to Friar Tuck
And said, "I’m Marion, d’y’wan’a fuck?"

The Friar couldn’t believe his ears
She’s offering sex to us old queers
While he recovered from his shock
Robin presented her with his cock

The three old men all had a bash
As Marion’s clothes were off in a flash
For Marion this was sheer bliss
As they filled her every orifice

When all was done she gave a whine
"Thank you boys for a lovely time
But for your pleasure you must pay
I’ve got the pox, have a nice day"

"Now listen here" said Friar Tuck
"We don’t really give a fuck
The laughs on you, you silly cow
We’ve all got AIDS, so whose fucked now?"

THE DIAGONAL STEAM TRAP

Now they built a big ship down in Harland's, she was made for to sell till the Turks -
And they called on the Yard's chief designer, to design all the engines and works.

Now finally the engines were ready, and they screwed in the very last part
An' yer man says 'Lets see how she runs, lads!', an' bejasus! the thing wouldn't start!

So they pushed and they worked an' they footered, an' the engineers' faces got red
The designer he stood lookin' stupid, an' scratchin' the back o' his head.

But while they were fiddlin' and workin', up danders oul' Jimmie Dalzell
He had worked twenty years on the 'Island', and ten in the 'aircraft' as well.

So he pushed and he worked and he muttered, till he got himself through till the front
And he has a good look roun' the engine, an' he gives a few mutters and grunts,

And then he looks up at the gaffer, an' he says 'Mr Smith, d'ye know?
They've left out the Diagonal Steam Trap! How the hell d'ye think it could go?'

Now the engineer eyed the designer, the designer he looks at the 'hat'
And they whispered the one to the other, 'Diagonal steam trap? What’s that?'

But the Gaffer he wouldn't admit, like, to not knowin' what this was about,
So he says 'Right enough, we were stupid!, the Diagonal Steam Trap's left out!'

Now in the meantime oul' Jimmie had scarpered, - away down to throw in his boord.
And the Gaffer comes up and says 'Jimmy!, d'ye think we could have a wee word?'

Ye see that Diagonal Steam Trap? I know it's left out - it's bad luck
But the engine shop's terrible busy, d'ye think you could knock us one up?

Now, oul' Jimmy was laughing his scone off, he had made it all up for a gag
He seen what was stoppin' the engine - The feed-pipe was blocked up with a rag!

But he sticks the oul' hands in the pockets, an' he says 'Aye, I'll give yez a han'!
I'll knock yez one up in the mornin', an the whole bloody thing will be grand!'

So oul' Jim starts work the next morning, to make what he called a Steam Trap,
An oul' box an' a few bits of tubing, an' a steam gauge stuck up on the top,

An' he welds it all on till the engine, And he says to the wonderin' mob
'As long as that gauge is at zero, The Steam Trap is doin' its job!'

Then he pulls the rag outa the feed pipe, an' he gives the oul' engine a try
An' bejasus! she goes like the clappers, an' oul' Jimmy remarks 'That's her nye!'

Now the ship was the fastest seen ever, so they sent her away till the Turks
But they toul' them’ That Steam Trap's a secret! We're the only ones knows how it works!

But the Turks they could not keep their mouths shut, an' soon the whole story got roun'
An' the Russians got quite interested, them boys has their ears till the groun'!

So they sent a spy dressed as a sailor, to take photies of Jimmy's Steam Trap
And they got them all back till the Kremlin, an' they stood round to look at the snaps.

Then the head spy says 'Mr Kosygin! I'm damned if I see how that works!'
So they sent him straight off to Siberia, An' they bought the whole ship from the Turks!

When they found the Steam Trap was a 'cod', like, they couldn’t admit they'd been had
So they built a big factory in Moscow, to start makin' Steam Traps like mad!

Then Kosygin rings up Mr Nixon, and he says 'Youse'uns thinks yez are great!
But wi' our big new Russian-made Steam Trap, Zez'll find that we've got yez all bate!'

Now oul Nixon, he nearly went 'Harpic', so he thought he'd give Harlands a call
And he dialled the engine-shop number, and of course he got sweet bugger all!

But at last the call came through to Jimmy, in the midst of a terrible hush,
'There’s a call for you here from the White House!', says oul' Jim, That’s a shop in Portrush!'

There's a factory outside of Seattle, where they're turnin' out Steam Traps like Hell
It employs twenty five thousand workers, and the head of it - Jimmy Dalzell!

Crawford Howard

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