EXPAT JOKES > OLD AGE

An elderly man calls his son and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up the phone.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls immediately, and screams at the old man. "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own fares.

An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks "I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother's strudel."
"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."
"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.
"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries?
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."

Grandpa is sitting on the porch enjoying a beer when his grandson joins him
Grandpa, can I have a drink of your beer the young boy asks. Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your arse son?".
"No Grandpa", replies the boy.
That's because your not a man yet son says Grandpa, "When your dick touches your arse you'll be a man, come back then and I'll give you a drink of my beer".
"OK Grandpa", says the boy dejectedly.
The next day Grandpa is sitting on the porch enjoying a pipe full of baccy when the grandson appears again.
"Grandpa, can i have a puff of your pipe", asks the boy.
"Can your dick touch your arse son?", asks Grandpa
"No grandpa", replies the boy
When your dick touches your arse you'll be a man, come back then and I'll give you a puff of my pipe replies Grandpa.
"OK grandpa", replies the boy
The next day the grandson appears on the porch with a tray of freshly cooked cakes.
"Have you got a cake there for Grandpa", asks the old man
"Can your dick touch your arse Grandpa?", asks the young boy
"Why, it sure can son" replies the grandfather
"Well go fuck yourself, Grandma made these for me", replies the boy

Two old ladies were visiting an art gallery where they happened upon the unveiling ceremony for a new sculpture. Being old ladies, by the time the ceremony was due they managed to get to the front.
After all the speeches the cover was duly whipped off to reveal a life sized Adonis on a four-foot plinth sporting a 10-inch erection. Both old ladies shot to their feet with a gasp. The first one threw her hands in the air and had a stroke; the second one was a bit shorter and couldn’t reach.

There was this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was tanned all over with the exception of his penis, which he readily decided to do something about.
He went to the beach, undressed, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other old lady saying, "There is really no Justice in the world" The other old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first old lady said, "Look at that.......
When I was 20, I was curious about it
When I was 30, I enjoyed it
When I was 40, I asked for it
When I was 50, I paid for it
When I was 60, I prayed for it
When I was 70, I forgot it
And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing WILD and I'm too old to squat!!"

Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house.
After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week.
Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away.
"There's just one problem" explains the model " because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath?"
"That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water."
"What about you're husband?" asks the model.
"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings." replies Doris.
"Good" says the model " that being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair.
The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave her flower especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returns and they retire to bed.
"Well do you believe me now?" she asks Fred.
"Yes" he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat?"
"Just to show you the difference" answers Doris "but anyway you've seen my pussy millions of times?"
"Yes" says Fred, "I have...but the rest of the fucking darts team hasn't."

Three old men were sitting around at the nursing home, discussing ageing. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again." The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem." Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."

HALEWOOD OLD PEOPLES HOME
Upper Hale Road
Hale Village
near Liverpool

Dear Bill,

I want to thank you for the lovely transistor radio you so kindly sent me. It is all the more wonderful that an absolute stranger like yourself remembers old people like me. I am 80 years old and have been at the house for the past sixteen years. We are treated very kindly, but, the lonely hours are very hard to bear.

My room mate, Mrs James, has a radio, but will never let me listen to it and even switches it off when I come into the room. Now I have one of my very own.

My son and daughter are very nice and come to see me once a month, but, I know that they only come along from a sense of duty.

This is why your gift is all the more wonderful and thrilling to me as it was given out of compassion for a fellow human being. God bless you always.

Today Mrs. James radio went wrong and she asked me if she could listen to mine. I told her to fuck off.

Yours sincerely

Mary Grant.

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
The gleam in your eye is the sun shining on your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after... but you haven't BEEN anywhere.
You get winded playing cards.
Your little black book contains only names ending in MD.
Your children begin to look middle-aged.
A dripping tap causes an uncontrollable urge.
You join a health club - and don't go.
You have all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You need glasses to find YOUR glasses.
You turn the lights down for economy, not for romance.
You can't remember how to start your rocking chair.
Your knees buckle but your belt won't.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
You put your bra on back to front and it fits better.
Your house is too big and your medicine cabinet is too small.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
Your birthday cake collapses under the weight of the candles.
You decide to live long enough to be a problem to your kids and get your own back.

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your porridge.

After 29 yrs of marriage, a woman decided she needed to do something to spice up her marriage.
She went out and bought a pair of crotchless panties, put them on, walked up to her husband and said, "Do you want some of this? "He replied, "Hell No... Look what it did to those panties!"

A little old lady's phone rings late one night and she answers it. "Hello"
A deep voice on the other end says, "I know you, you'd like me to push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your body all over and make rough love to you."
The old lady looks at the phone blushing and in amazement and replies, "You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?'"

Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlour. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlour.
When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." Pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working. I haven't had a cold all winter!"

A ninety-year-old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favourite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. Four or five days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said "Sure" The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. The old man said "Sure, why?" The doctor replied "Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum."

A man visits his ageing father in his new old folks home, his room seems awfully small and his bed is the narrowest he’s ever seen, despite this, his father is delighted with his new home. Later, he meets the sister of the home; "father is delighted to be here, what is your secret?" "Well, " replies sister, " each night we give him a sleeping tablet and a Viagra tablet." " What on earth is the Viagra tablet for? Surely he’s not up to any hanky panky at his age? Asks the man," "Oh no," replies the sister" but it does stop him rolling out of bed at night"..

After deciding that their frail, elderly mother can no longer live alone, a family brings her to a nursing home, hoping she'll be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe the old woman, feed her a tasty breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart".

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish Mayfair building, when a young and beautiful women gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly," Romance" by Ralph Lauren, £150 an ounce. Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, £200 an ounce. About three floors later the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says "Broccoli 49 pence a pound".

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying in bed for a few minutes the old man cuts a fart and says, "one - nil." 
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" 
"Goal. I'm ahead one nil." 
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal, 1 - 1 we're drawing."
After about ten minutes the old man farts again and says, "Goal! I'm ahead 2 -1" 
Now starting to get into it, the wife quickly farts again and says "Goal, I'm equal." 
He can't fart! So, not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has, trying for one more fart. Straining real hard, the old man shits in the bed. 
The wife asks, "What in the hell was that?" 
The old man replies, "Half-time . . . switch sides."

An 80 year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun "The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded the old man replied "No" The doctor continued "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man 'Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at...." replied the doctor.

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