EXPAT JOKES > OFFICE

How many CIVIL SERVANTS does it take to change a light-bulb?
One to notice the burned-out bulb, one departmental head to authorise the requisition, one secretary to type out the requisition, three filing clerks to file the copies, a messenger to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a supervisor to authorise the purchase of the new bulb. . .

A comparison of life in prison vs. a full time job

In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8' x 10' cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6' x 8' cubicle.

In prison they get three meals a day.
At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work I must wear an ID badge at all times.
In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn on to the clothes.

At work there is a dress standard, but I must buy my own clothes.
In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.

At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.

In prison they can watch TV and play games.
At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it.
At work they will pay for my education, but I must do it on my own time.

In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want.
At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time.

In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my action.
At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next bullet list.

In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball and chained.

In prison you have full free medical coverage .
At work you get partial coverage and your BUPA payments are deducted

In prison all expenses are paid by the tax payer,
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

10 Commandments for ‘working hard'

1. Never walk without a document in your hands
   People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy
   Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer.  You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught, your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
3. Messy desk
   Top management can get away with a clean desk.  For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives
4. Voice Mail
   Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. 
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
   According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Leave the office late
   Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect
   Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
8. 8. Stacking Strategy
   It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9. Build Vocabulary
   Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10. MOST IMPORTANT:
    DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie....
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Senior Manager ID badge and a dull grey suit.
"Well" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Senior Manager."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If a Senior Manager offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broken..."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
1. And the best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: - "Amen"

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

A Department is like a tree full of monkeys, All on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

COPY OF A LETTER FROM A MELBOURNE GENTLEMAN
IN REPLY TO AN INCOME TAX FINAL DEMAND

Dear Sir,

Your superheated letter arrived this morning in an open envelope with a penny stamp on it, and it would have given the boy and myself much pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection of what had gone before.

You say you thought the account could have been settled long ago and could not understand why it hadn't, well, here is the reason.

In 1954 I bought a sawmill on credit.

In 1955 I bought a team of horses, a timber wagon, two ponies, a double shotgun and two razor-backed pigs, all on credit.

In 1956 the bloody mill was burnt to the ground leaving not a darned thing. One of the ponies died and I loaned the other to a stupid bastard who starved the poor bugger to death. Then I joined the church.

In 1957 my father died and my brother was hanged for raping a pensioner. A tramp seduced my daughter and I had to pay the bastard £50 to stop him becoming one of my relations.

In 1958 my lad got mumps which spread to his balls and the poor boy had to be castrated to save his life. Later I went fishing and the rotten boat overturned, drowning two of my lads, neither being the one who was castrated.

In 1959 my wife ran away with a sheep sheerer and left me with twins as a souvenir. Then I had to have a housekeeper so I married her to keep expenses down but I had a hell of a job to make her pregnant.
I went to the doctor and he advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment. That night I took my shotgun to bed with me and at the time I thought was right I leaned out of bed and fired the gun through the window. The wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself and the next morning I found I had shot my best cow.

In 1960 someone cut the nuts off my prize bull. I was buggered and took to drink. I didn't stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time.

After a year I took heart again and bought on credit a manure spreader, a reaper, a binder and a car. The floods came and washed the bloody lot away. My wife got VD from a travelling salesman and my boy died through wiping his arse on a rabbit skin that was infected. To cap it all some bastard mated my cow with a broken down old bull.

It surprises me to think that there will be trouble if I fail to pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed, I should like to know about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke butter up a porcupines arse with a red hot needle. I am praying for a shower of skunk shit to pass your way and hope the centre of it is over you and the bunch of bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.

Yours for more credit

ROBERT ARKWRIGHT

MY BOSS & I

You and Your Boss: the subtle differences
If you take a long time, you're slow. but if your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
If you don't do it, you're lazy. but if your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
If you make a mistake, you're an idiot. but if your boss makes a mistake, he's 'only human'.
If you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. but if your boss does it, he's being firm.
If you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. but if your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
If you do something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. but if your boss does the same thing, he's taking initiative.
If you're on a day off sick, you're 'always' sick. but if your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
If you're out of the office, you're wandering around. but if your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
If you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. but if your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
If you please your boss-you are creeping, If my boss pleases his boss - he is co-operating.
If you do good, your boss never remembers, If you do wrong, he never forgets

"I don't mind being screwed now and then, but management seems to think I'm a nymphomaniac!"
or..
My boss is like a nappy
always on your arse,
and full of shit!

SIX PHASES OF A PROJECT

1. Enthusiasm
2. Disillusionment
3. Panic
4. Search for the guilty
5. Punishment of the innocent
6. Praise and honours for the non-participants

"Project management is like making love; no matter how well planned it is, you always end up in a rush."

The Buzz Phrase Generator is especially designed for use by Consultants when writing reports. To use it, think of any three-digit number, then select the corresponding word from each column. For example, 257 produces "systematised logistical projection". This is a phrase that can be dropped into any report with a note of decisive, knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest idea of the meaning, but they are not going to admit it.

Are you Lonely?
Don't like working on your own?
Hate making decisions?

YOU CAN:-
SEE people,
DRAW flowcharts,
FEEL important,
IMPRESS your colleagues
(and all on company time)

MEETINGS....
The practical alternative to work!

GUIDE TO SAFE FAX

Q: Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q: My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A: Faxing can be performed at any age, once you can learn the correct procedures

Q: If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q: There Is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax, Is this legal?
A Yes many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their need to fax becomes too great

Q: Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used to ensure safe fax.

Q: What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax prematurely?
A: Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.

Q: I have a personal and a business fax, can transmissions become mixed up?
A: Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you’re not supposed to.

MEMO TO ALL PERSONNEL

SUBJECT: Company sponsored additional training.

As you are all aware, it is the company policy to ensure that all employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training Programme, (S.H.I.T.). We have always been proud of the fact that this company has given its employees more S.H.I.T. than any other employer.

Our management team are specially trained to ensure that you get all the S.H.I.T. that you can handle.

If any employee feels that they do not receive enough S.H.I.T., then please contact your supervisor immediately.

If you graduate up the managerial ladder, by accepting all the S.H.I.T. that is given to you, then you can qualify for our supervisors Complete Responsibility Action Programme. (C.R.A.P.)

To become eligible for or management team, simply take all the S.H.I.T. you can, then, with all the additional C.R.A.P. that you then get, you will soon reach the highest positions in the company.

Any employee who has the initiative and drive to take both S.H.I.T. and C.R.A.P. will soon become one of the elite.

For a limited period only, the company is offering all employees the chance to try for our latest scheme, the Advanced Supervisory Staff Helping Our Local Employees. (A.S.S.H.O.L.E.)

If you work hard, you will find that the more S.H.I.T. you take, and the more C.R.A.P. that you handle, will qualify you as an A.S.S.H.O.L.E. in a very short time.

COMPANY EFFICIENCY - TRUE QUOTES

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing Manager, United Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing / 3M Corp.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive. Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above-" (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "if I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting cards.)

A DAY OFF

So you want the day off, let’s take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available for work.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, that accounts for 23 days per year, leaving 68 days available for work.

With a one-hour lunch break each day; you have used up another 48 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves only 20 days available for work.

We offer 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you 14 days vacation per year, which leaves you only 1 day available for work, and I'll be dammed if you're going to take that day off!!!

25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK.

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees the work is better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross,"
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

Certificate of Upgrade
to
Complete Prick
Is awarded to:

In recognition of your Obnoxious Attitude, Ability to Piss people off, Complete Asshole Behaviour and Total Dedication to Personal Gain Without Regard to the many Hardships You have Forced upon your Friends, Family and Associates During Your Lifetime, You Have Become a Legend in YOUR Own Mind.

To Recognise Your Upgrade from Half-Assed to COMPLETE PRICK, gives all concerned Great Satisfaction. If Anyone, for any reason, Doubts Your Status, JUST BE YOURSELF!

Signed: Date:

NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using obscene language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some employees who are more easily offended, this language will no longer be tolerated.

However, we realise the importance of staff being able to express themselves clearly when communicating with other employees, with this in mind, the human resources department has compiled this list of alternative phrases to convey the original offensive sentiments.

CORPORATE LANGUAGE

• 'A challenging market'; - a difficult market.
• 'A difficult market'; - totally bloody impossible.
• 'We see an up-turn later in the year'; - it can't get any worse.
• 'We are working on improving our performance'; - we've sacked the whole team.
• 'Left the company unexpectedly'; - topped himself.
• 'Left to develop his career elsewhere' - we fired him.
• 'A well constructed and extremely versatile product'; - no one understands it.
• 'Recent down-sizing of the sales force'; - the buggers keep leaving.
• 'Doesn't suffer fools gladly'; - complete bastard to work for.
• 'He has an active social life' - alcoholic
• 'A spectacular producer during the time he was with us'; - now doing time at Wandsworth.
• 'Highly creative, with an endless supply of unorthodox ideas'; -mad.
• 'Forthcoming changes in the regulatory environment'; - Oh Christ, here we go again.

The FOX & The LION

Scene 1:
It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a lion is sitting outside his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.

Fox : "Do you know the time, because my watch is broken"
Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you"
Fox : "Hmm. But it's a very complicated mechanism, and your great claws will only destroy it even more"
Lion: "Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed" (incredulous pause)
Fox : "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great laws cannot fix complicated watches"
Lion: "Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed".

The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun,
looking very pleased with himself. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.

Wolf : "Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken"
Lion : "Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you" (loud guffaws)
Wolf : "You don't expect me to believe such rubbish, do you?. There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV"
Lion : " No problem. Do you want to try it?"

The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.

Scene 2:
Inside the lion's cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself.

Morals: 
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A SUPERVISOR IS FAMOUS LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS STAFF.
or
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.

Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant, say Happy Birthday, and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say word. When I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday", and I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me. I said, By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office. Do we? I said, No I guess not. She said, Let's go to my apartment. After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and in about five minutes, she came back out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children. All were singing Happy Birthday, and there I sat on the couch with nothing on but my socks and a huge erection.

A man and his secretary decide to have an affair, so they rent a hotel and go have strenuous sex all afternoon. He's not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until about 8:30 at night. They have sex again, and then the man realises it's time to go home. He says to his secretary, "Take my shoes outside while I get dressed and drag them through the grass and mud." Puzzled, the secretary complies. When the man gets home about 9:30pm his wife confronts him and asks where he's been. The man says, "I cannot lie to you, I have spent the day making love to my secretary, fell asleep, just woke up and came right home." The woman looks down at his shoes and says, "You lying bastard, you've been out playing golf again!"

Office Quotes

• I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
• Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
• I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
• My reality check bounced.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
• You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
• Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
• Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
• Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
• Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
• When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.
• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
• To error is human, to forgive is not our policy.
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• Following the rules will not get the job done.
• Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
• When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
• The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Ultimate Insulting Letters

Dear
I feel the time has come to sever all relationships between our two organisations.
If I was to say that I regret having to do this, I would be lying. The truth of the matter is that what you lack in intelligence you make up with stupidity.
No doubt as a child, you once asked for a cowboy outfit for Christmas. Santa took a long time coming through but finally he did with (company name).
Goodbye

Dear
I hope you will take offence when I say dealing with your company has been like attempting to tap dance with your feet nailed to the floor.
They say that behind every successful man there is a woman. It has become obvious to me as a result of our dealings that you are not married.

Dear
Your company appears to house the most extraordinary collection of talented individuals, demonstrating the highest level of service and commitment, that has ever been gathered together since Sly Stallone dined alone at MacDonald's.

Dear
Whoever coined the phrase parting is such sweet sorrow had obviously never said farewell to you and your company after partaking of what you have to offer.

Dear
Happiness is realising we don't have to do business with you any more!

Dear
In the good old days, a person who conducts business the way you do would have retired to his study and blown his brains out.

Dear
Let me suggest to you that a contract is something that is only effectively binding on a weaker party - and in this case Bozo that's you!

Dear
Your actions of late suggest that you and your company can be likened to a case of kippers - two faced and with no guts.

Dear
We need to carry on doing business with your company like Van Gogh needs stereo and Stevie Wonder needs curtains.

Dear
Your brain is a truly wonderful organ. It obviously starts working the moment you wake up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get into the office and start dealing with our requests.
Perhaps you can give it some of the attention you haven't been giving to us now that we no longer want it any more.

Dear
With reference to your recent letter, I can only say that when it comes to truth you appear to occasionally stumble over it, then hurriedly pick yourself up and start all over again as though nothing has happened.
Please do not bother us again.

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