EXPAT JOKES > MILITARY 2

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

There was a Barber Shop on a military station, and a Colonel and a Sergeant are both getting haircuts. The Colonel's barber is finished, and asks him if he wants hair wax. The Colonel says, "NO! If I get that stuff on my hair, my wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!". Right after that, the Sergeant's barber asks him the same question. The Sergeant replies, "Go ahead and put some on, my wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like!".

Two junior officers on a course at a joint services staff college went to the toilet to use the urinals prior to going to lunch. The army officer finished first and went to the wash basin and washed his hands. As he was drying them the RAF officer finished and headed for the door.
His companion said, "I say old chap, at Sandhurst they teach us to wash our hands after using the toilet."
Back the reply, "Oh! At Cranwell they teach not to pee on our hands."

An Army Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, " My name is Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best call girl they have for him.
Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then says," My name is Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN. Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect.
The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that. The Major replies, "Like I said, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE. His penis immediately goes limp.
The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration. The Major says. 'I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN. (a raging hard-on once again) and the follows this display of prowess with the command of DICK, AT EASE. (His penis goes limp once again.) The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again.
The Major shouts, "I've already told you honey, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN. His penis becomes immediately erect. And then gives the following command, "DICK, AT EASE. The Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE. Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE. No luck, his penis is still hard. He yells god dammit and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously.
The prostitute asks '"What the hell is going on?"
The Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!"

In the trenches of the First World War a load of troops are hemmed in by the Germans and they're awaiting orders via a carrier pigeon. They see the pigeon approaching with a message and then the pigeon falls from the sky.
The Captain then asks for a volunteer to go and get the message from the pigeon--nobody steps forward except daft Paddy. He says, "I'll go for my country".
Anyway, he crawls out of the trench and all you hear are bullets, mortar, bombs, etc. and everyone thinks Paddy is dead. Two hours later Paddy arrives back into the trench and everyone cheers for his safe return.
The Captain asks, "Did you get to the pigeon?"
Paddy says, "Yes".
The Captain says, "Did it have a message?"
Paddy says, "Yes".
The Captain says, "What was the message?"
Paddy says, "Coo! Coo!"

Two ex squaddies had left the army and hit hard times, both ended up as down and outs sitting on a bench drinking meths and cider.
John turned to his mate and said "There's a fucking awful smell round here have you shit yourself?"
"No!", said Jack.
After a few more bottles Johns nose was twitching again and he said "Are you sure you haven't shit yourself?!"
"Of course I'm fucking sure!", said Jack.
Anyhow both now well pissed they went to the Sally army to find a bed for the night. When they went for a shower John noticed that Jacks underpants were caked with shit.
"I thought you said you hadn't shit yourself!"
"Sorry", said Jack, "I thought you meant today."

Young lad going on leave after finishing his trade training at Catterick, heading towards the A1 at 90mph when suddenly he is pulled over by the Military Police,
"What's the hurry?" they enquire.
"Well I was so excited at going home I got diarrhea and I'm speeding to find a shithouse."
"Don't worry you found one now show us all your fucking docs."

MI5  had an vacancy. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists For the final test, the MI5 agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the third mans turn. He was given the same instructions to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man. He wiped the sweat from his brow, and said, "The gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat her to death with the chair."

MURHPY'S LAWS OF COMBAT.

1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
2. Friendly fire isn't
3. The most dangerous thing in a combat zone is a officer with a map.
4. The problem with taking the easy way out is that it is already mined.
5. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
6. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will fall short.
7. Incoming fire has the right of way.
8. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
9. The quartermaster only has two sizes; too large and too small.
10. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
11. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
13. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and they miss.
14. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone it draws fire. Out of the combat zone it draws sergeants.
15. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
16. Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.
17. All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets...printed at different scales.
18. All battles are fought uphill.
19. All battles are fought in the rain.
20. If orders can be misunderstood, they will be.
21. Tracers work both ways.
22. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
23. Never reinforce failure, failure reinforces itself.
24. Tactics are for amateurs; professionals study logistics.
25. Your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.
26. Always honour a threat.
27. The weight of all your equipment is proportional to the time you have been carrying it.
28. There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
30. Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.
31. Five second grenade fuses burn down in three seconds.
32. The effective radius of a hand grenade is always greater that the distance you can jump.
33. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
34. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
35. There is no such thing as a convenient foxhole.
36. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
37. Radios work perfectly until you need fire support.
38. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
39. When in doubt, empty the magazine.
40. If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict.
41. Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.
42. A sucking chest wound is nature's way of saying you're too slow.
43. If it's stupid and works, then it's not stupid.
44. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

Danger - Unexploded paper bag

Despite acts of great heroism, three British soldiers returned from the Falkland Islands without being decorated. The captain called them into his office to explain.
"Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps," he said, "so the regiment has decided to give you ten pounds sterling for each inch of measurement between any two parts of your bodies. Private, which measurement for you?"
"Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!"
"That's 720 pounds. Well done, private. Corporal?"
"Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms outstretched, sah!"
The captain took the measurement. "Six feet, two inches....740 pounds. Very good, corporal.
Sergeant, how about you?"
"Tip of me prick to me balls, sah!"
"Very well. Drop your trousers, then."
The captain put his tape measure at one end of the man's penis, then looked up and asked, "Where are your balls, Sergeant?"
"Goose Green, Falklands, sah!"

A young German officer went into a bar in Paris to have a drink and get a leg over,  the place was full of drunken Germans celebrating the fall of the city. He got his drink and looked around the bar with that look that only German officers have.
His eyes stopped on this really good looking French bird, you know the type big red lips, long black hair, great boobs, a long split up one side of skirt and a beret that looked like a fryin pan.
That's her he thought, so into action he goes, he chats her up buys her and her ugly friend a drink and he's set like a jelly, they leave her ugly friend to find a blind punter, and go to her place, where he does the business, the next morning he's full of it, and tells her,
"Fraulin in nine months time you will have a beautiful blue eyed, blond haired boy, you may call him Adolf if you vish."
To which she replyed, "In two weeks time you will have a terrible rash you can call it measles if you vish."

Two brothers waiting to see army doctor for conscription in 1956, a man comes out of the office and said to the brothers, "The doc says I'm M.E. thats medically exempt, cos I wear a truss."
The first brother had an idea and gave the bloke a tenner to wear it for his examination, when he came out he gave the thumbs up to his waiting brother and said, "I'm M.E. aswell."
So the second brother slipped on the truss and went in for his examination.
Inside the examination room the doc asked "How long have you worn that truss?"
He said "3 years sir"
The doctor said "You're M.E"
The brother said "Does that mean I don't have to go in the army?"
The doc replied "No in your case it means Middle East, if you can wear a truss upside down for 3 years, you can ride a camel!"

In the good old days, sailor's trousers had a large drop down flap instead of flies.
This sailor was in a dance hall in Leeds he was really fancying this girl but couldn't get a look in for some rich para, he finally had an idea and showed his (double fly) trousers to her. She thought, never!
He said "Why else would I need two flies?"
It did the trick and off they went and found somewhere quiet, after he'd done the deed she wanted more and nagged until he opened his (other) fly, of course it was pink and crinkly, she wanted to know what was wrong, He said "Oh! he's sulking cos he wasn't first."

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