EXPAT JOKES > MILITARY 1

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NOTIFICATION OF COMPULSORY ENLISTMENT

Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the American Conflict. You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth.

Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer (Ryan Air also do a nice little £9.99 trip).

Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:

If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank. (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last).

We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.

There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:

We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.

To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.

Yours faithfully,
G Hoon, Ministry of Defence.

A Bush-Blair Production
Sponsored by Mars, The Official snack of World War III

Tell it to the Marines
A little kid watched the drunk marine go into the bath room and as the marine was taking a leak the kid asked, "Are you really a marine?" The marine replied, "yes, do you want to wear my hat?" The kid said, "Oh yes," and the marine gave him his hat.
A minute later a sailor walked into the restroom and the kid said, "Are you really a sailor?" The sailor said, "Yeah... ya wanta suck my cock?" The kid pulled off his hat and said, "Oh no!! I'm not really a marine!"

This is a transcript of an actual radio conversation (between a US Navy ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995)
Communications released by US Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95

Americans: Please divert your course by 15 degrees North to avoid collision.
Canadians: Recommend YOU divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South.
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, YOU divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT IS ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse, your call.

During one of the Swedish army’s annual exercises, a sign on a bridge tells everyone "This bridge is destroyed". The exercise commences, and the Commander in Charge, a Colonel, scans around with his binoculars. Suddenly, he sees a line of soldiers walking over the closed bridge, which is marked with red flags, to simulate that it has been destroyed by an artillery barrage. The Colonel jumps in his vehicle and races down the hill to the bridge to have a word with the lousy platoon commander that allowed his men to cross a simulated destroyed bridge. As he approaches, he can see that the first soldier in line, a Lieutenant, carries a poster which says, "Vi simmar" (We swim!)

The New Call for Fire Procedure for the Modern Army

Picture troops under fire, desperately needing artillery support, making a cellphone call and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling the 25th Infantry Division's automated artillery support request line. Please be assured that we will attempt to assist you with all available resources in the shortest time possible.

For air support, please call the U.S. Air Force at 1-800-BOMBNOW.
For naval gun fire, please call 1-888-SEASICK.
If you are attacking a fixed enemy position, please press 1.
If you are engaged in mobile defense, please press 2.
If you are defending a fixed position, please press 3.
If you are setting up a hasty defense or are about to be overrun, please press 4.
If you wish to cancel a prior fire mission request, please press 5. Press the star key at any time to return to the main menu.
If you are using a TA-312, remain on the line and one of our customer support counselors will be with you shortly.

Please select the type of fire mission you would like.
If you would like 81 mm or 4.2 inch mortars, please press 1.
If you would like 155 mm howitzers, please press 2.
If you would like advanced munitions, such as fuel-oil explosives or scattering mines, please press 3 to speak with one of our soldier advocates to complete our brief Advanced Firepower Usage Survey.
If you would like to request chemical or nuclear weapons, please press 4 and hold the line. The Secretary of Defense will speak with you as soon as possible.

Enter the map coordinates of the target you would like to strike, followed by the pound sign.
If you need to enter map grid designations, please use the star for a "q" and the pound sign for an "i."

Please remember to verify your coordinates and that your request may take several minute to process.

[Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep]
You have entered co-ordinates 32364519.
If this is correct, please press 1.
If this is incorrect, please press 2 and re-enter the coordinates. Thank you.
Please enter your battalion, company and platoon passcodes, each followed by the pound sign. As soon as we verify your passcodes, we will begin processing your request.
If you have forgotten your passcode, please contact 1-800-IFORGOT for a temporary passcode.

Please enter your passcode now.
[Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-#, beep-beep-beep-beep-#, beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-#]

Thank you. [Pause] Your passcodes have been verified and your request will be processed.

We strongly suggest that you and your comrades take cover as soon as possible.

Thank you for using the 25th Infantry Division's artillery request support line and have a nice day.

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?"
I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared" So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass."
"So, did you jump?" asked the father." Well, a little.... at first."

McDonnell Douglas Warranty Registration Card

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1.
[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other
First Name: ................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ..................................
Password: ............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name:..................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: .....................

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....../......./......

4. Serial Number:.........................................

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
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6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
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[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Classified

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that apply.)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
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[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future-as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Soviet Discipline
It seems that Reagan and Gorbachev arranged a competition to determine whose nation had the bravest troops. The two leaders arrived, at the designated hour, on a plateau in Finland high above the water. Each was accompanied by a battalion of crack troops, smartly uniformed. The leaders shook hands.
Reagan went first. He addressed his battalion of Marines:
"Private Jones! Front and centre."
Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.
"Private Jones! March to the edge of the cliff."
Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.
"Private Jones! Jump!"
Jones just stood there, unmoving.
"Private Jones! I said jump!"
The man's knees started to shake, but he was otherwise motionless.
"Private Jones! This is your Commander-in-Chief. I ORDER YOU TO JUMP!!!" Private Jones wailed out: "I can't! I have a wife--and a family!"
The MPs arrived and escorted Jones away for court martial. Reagan backed off in disgrace. It was now Gorbachev's turn.
"Comrade Dmitrivich! Front and centre."
Comrade Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.
"Comrade Dmitrivich! March to the edge of the cliff."
Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.
"Comrade Dmitrivich! Jump!"
Dmitrivich jumped off the cliff.
By some miracle, he is snagged on a branch and he lands on a crag some 50 feet below the top of the cliff. Dmitrivich is badly injured, but still alive and conscious. He is carried away on a stretcher.
As Dmitrivich is carried passed Private Jones, Jones cannot resist asking him:
"Dmitrivich! How could you do it? How could you jump?"
Dmitrivich answered: "I had to! I have a wife--and a family!"

In a cemetery in Woolwich London

Sacred to the Memory of
MAJOR JAMES BRUSH
Who was killed by the
Accidental discharge
of a pistol by
his orderly
14th of April 1831

Well done good and
faithful servant

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You Americans are so rude." she said, "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"
He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home- so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down." he said.
The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant."
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?
"The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant. You are also obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend Marie out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day, and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says " Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips." What are you doing?" asks the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things begin to heat up a little Marie says "Pierre, kiss me lower. Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing," asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really begin to steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing, waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams, "PIERRE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, " I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I, go down in flames!!!!!!"

How the Military deal with snakes...

Infantry: Tracks Snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.
Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.
Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.
Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective: to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.
Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.
Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller “Python Two Zero”.
Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.
Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.
TA: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.
RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, and RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet, can’t find snake so drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.
Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.
Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year Study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M. generating massive workload at grade I staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% Output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Ghurkhas do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.
Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for billion.
Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.

There is a new commander of a military base and the captain is showing him around the buildings. After he has made the rounds, the Commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute, you haven't' shown me that blue building over there. What's that used for?" The Captain says, "Well sir, you see there are no women around. Whenever the men feel in need of a woman they go there and use the camel..." "Enough" says the Commander in disgust. Well, two weeks later, the Commander starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the Captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?" The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock." The Commander asks to be put down for that time. So the next day at two o'clock, the Commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. Inside, he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool and drops his pants, and begins to have sex with the camel. A minute later the Captain walks in. "Ahem, begging your pardon, sir," says the Captain, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?"

Military Joke Links
Pull-up-a-sandbag.com (so good I wanted to steal most of their jokes, then my conscience got to me. Ed)

Biscuitsbrown.com - 'is a free light-hearted Ex-Forces contact site for UK ex Armed Forces personnel to get in touch with old comrades plus a shedful of other stuff'

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