EXPAT JOKES > MEDICAL
DOCTOR, DOCTOR,
'Doctor, Doctor, I've only got sixty seconds to live!'. 'Can you wait a minute ...'
'Doctor, Doctor, I've only got four minutes to live, is there anything you can do for me?'. 'Well, I could boil you an egg
'Doctor, Doctor, can you give me something for wind?'. 'Yes, here's a kite!"
'Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bottle of gin'. 'What you need is a little tonic.
'Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog'. 'How long have you felt like this?'. 'Ever since I was a puppy.'
'Doctor, Doctor, I've got a strawberry on my nose'. 'You need some cream for that!'
'Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains'. 'Don't be silly, pull yourself together.'
'Doctor, Doctor, I've just swallowed a spoon, what should I do?'. 'Sit down and don't stir'
'Doctor, Doctor, I keep feeling that people are ignoring me'. 'Next please.'
'Doctor, Doctor, my hands won't stop shaking.' 'Do you drink much?'. 'No, I spill most of it.'
'Doctor, Doctor, you've got to help me, I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people' 'Tell me about your problem'. 'I just did, you moron!'
'Doctor, Doctor, you've got to help me, every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?'. 'Yes ... you're fucking crackers".
'Doctor, Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm'. 'Are you taking anything for it?'. 'Yes, pepper!'
'Doctor, Doctor, I'm a prostitute but I'm always feeling tired'. 'I know what's wrong. You've been off your feet for too long.'
'Doctor, Doctor, my irregular heartbeat is still bothering me'. 'Never mind, we'll soon put a stop to that.'
Doctor: 'I can't find anything wrong with you, Mr Smith. I can only assume, it must be heavy drinking.'
Patient: 'That's fine, doctor, I'll come, back when you're sober.'
Patient:: 'I feel terribly under the weather,'
Doctor: 'Tell me about your diet,'
Patient: 'Well. Doctor, I'm very fond of snooker balls. First thing in the morning I have a couple of yellows and a black. For lunch I have a few reds and a couple of pinks. Then in the evening I
might have some browns and a few more reds.'
Doctor: 'I know what the trouble is;' said the doctor. 'You're not eating enough greens.'
A very sheepish young man was admitted to the casualty department of a hospital. He took down his trousers and showed the doctor a beer bottle that was inextricably inserted up his arse
The doctor eventually managed to remove it without doing any lasting damage. As he passed it to the nurse, he said 'What I can't understand is how he swallowed it in the first place!'
An undertaker was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of a Mr. Smith, who was about to
be cremated, he discovered the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Smith," said the undertaker , "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the undertaker used his tools to remove the dead man's dick, he then stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Smith is dead!"
'I'm sorry,' said the doctor to the distraught woman, 'but I'm afraid that your husband has passed away.'
'Oh no I haven't!' came a voice from the bed.
'Be quiet, George,' snapped his wife. 'The doctor knows best'
An old man was so worried of dying that he took great care of his health, he went to his doctor for a monthly check-up. 'You know, Doctor, I don't drink and I don't smoke, I jog ten miles a
day, I don't even look at women and I live on organic foods no sugar or fat in my diet. I reckon I should last another twenty years, don't you?'
The doctor looked at him. 'Why on earth would you want to?' he asked,
The son takes his father to the doctors. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. The father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it. While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"
Irish Medical Dictionary
ANALLY - Occurring yearly
ARTERY - The study of Paintings
BACTERIA - Back door of a cafeteria
BARIUM - What doctors do when patients die
BENIGN - what you be after you be eight
BOWEL - A letter like A,E,I,O,U
CAESAREAN SECTION - A neighbourhood in Rome
CAT SCAN - Searching for kitty
CAUTERISE - Made eye contact with her
COLIC - Sheep dog
COMA - A punctuation mark
CONGENITAL - friendly
D & C - Where Washington is
DILATE - To live longer
ENEMA - Not a friend
FESTER - Quicker
FIBULA - A small lie
GENITAL - Not a Jew
GI SERIES - A soldiers ball game
HANGNAIL - Coat hook
IMPOTENT - Distinguished, well known
INUENDO - an Italian suppository
LABOUR PAIN - Getting hurt at work
MEDICAL STAFF - Doctor's cane
MENSTRUAL CYCLE - thing with three wheels
MORBID - A higher offer
NITRATES - Cheaper than day rates
NODE - Was aware of
OUT-PATIENT - A person who has fainted
PAPSMEAR - A fatherhood test
PELVIS - A cousin of Elvis
POSTOPERATIVE - A letter carrier
PROTEIN - favouring young people
RECOVERY ROOM - A place to do upholstery
RECTUM - Dang near killed 'em
SECRETION - hiding anything
SEIZURE - Roman Emperor
TABLET - A small table
TERMINAL ILLNESS - Getting sick at the airport
TESTICLES - found on an octopus
TIBIYA - country in North Africa
TUMOUR - More than one
UMBILICAL chord - part of a parachute
URINE - Opposite of you’re out
VAGINA - heart trouble
VARICOSE - Located nearby
VEIN - Conceited
VULVA - Swedish Car
A man went into hospital to have an ingrown toenail removed from his left foot woke up some hours after the operation and discovered that the surgeon had amputated his right leg. Apologising
profusely, they sent him back down to the operating theatre to treat the toenail, but sadly this went wrong, infection set in and a few days later he had to have his other leg removed.
'I'm going to sue this hospital for every penny you've got!' he told the surgeon. 'I'm going to make sure that you're ruined!'
'No chance,' said the surgeon. 'You haven't got a leg to stand on.'
Dear Doctor,
I wish to apply for a vasectomy. My reasons are numerous and after being married for 7 years and having 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless.
After getting married, I was told to use the "Rhythm method". Despite trying the Tango and Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha, apart from which, where do you get a band at 5 o'clock in the morning.
A doctor suggested we use the "safe period", at the time we were living with the in laws and had to wait three weeks for a safe period when the house was empty, needless to say this didn't work.
A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly "Newcastle Brown", but I did finish up with a clear skin, silky hair and my wife pregnant.
Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. After constant breast feeding from my earlier attempt if my wife jumped up and down she would finish up with two black eyes and eventually knock herself unconscious.
I asked a chemist about the "Sheath". The chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb, as the chemist showed me, can prevent babies.
She was then supplied with the "Coil", and after several unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we realised we had got a left hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screw.
The "Dutch cap" came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas, it did give my wife severe headaches. We were given the largest size available but it was still too tight across her forehead.
Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out. Then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife then started putting it between her knees, thus preventing me getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot the pill.
You must appreciate my problem, if this operation is not successful, I will have to revert to Oral Sex although just talking about it can never be a substitute for the real thing.
Yours faithfully
Ivor Bollockoff
A man went to his doctor complaining of feeling generally unwell. The doctor asked the usual questions about his lifestyle.
'Have you been drinking a lot recently?'
'I don't drink at all,' said the man.
'Do you have a lot of late nights?'
'No' the man replied.
'Much sex?'
'Infrequently,' said the man.
'Is that one word or two?' asked the doctor.
THE VASECTOMY
The consultant was discussing a set of X-rays with a young student. 'As you can see, one hip is higher than the other,' the consultant pointed out. 'What would you expect to find wrong with
him?' 'I assume he'd walk with a pronounced limp,' said the student.
And what would you do in this situation?'
'Well,' said the student, 'I assume I'd walk with a limp too
NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
The following is a list of possible slogans promoting national condom week.
Please take a moment and select your favourite. Make your selections in order of preference. Also, considering what the dancing raisins have done for the raisin industry, what is your opinion of dancing condoms?
An old lady slipped strained her knee. Her doctor bandaged it and warned her, 'If you don't take great care it's unlikely to heal properly. Don't rush around and don't climb any stairs.'
A fortnight later the old lady returned to have the bandage removed. The doctor was delighted to see that the leg had healed perfectly. 'Thank goodness for that!' said the old dear. 'I can't tell you
what a fool I've felt, shinning up and down that drainpipe.
FORTUNATELY YOU HAVE THE LIFE SAVINGS OF A MAN THREE TIMES YOUR AGE
"WOMAN CLIPS OFF SLEEPING HUSBANDS PENIS,
THEN THROWS IT FROM MOVING CAR"
Don't laugh, it's true and it could happen to you! Right now, thousands of agitated, irate women have read this headline and are contemplating taking that action against you the next time you make an unwanted sexual advance, look at them the wrong way, or just piss them off in general (not to mention PMS).
MEN - protect yourself NOW!!
If you find yourself a victim of "CLIP & FLIP SYNDROME", could you be sure that the appropriate authorities would find your clipped member in time and intact? Can you be sure that the penis part they find is yours?
Sign up now for our low cost PENIS PROTECTIQN PLAN. We'll register your penis and scrotum and tattoo them with their own unique registration numbers, assuring that in case of separation, you'll get a perfect match every time.
Or, for just a little more money (just pennies a day), you can sign up for our JURASSIC PRICK PROGRAM in which we'll take a cell sample from your penis and clone replacement parts for you. In the event that a tractor-trailer runs over your penis or some wild animal mistakes your detached member for a chewy toy.
Don't get caught short, sign up now!
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS HANDBOOK
ELEMENT: WOMAN
SYMBOL: Wo
DESCRIPTION: A digitated vertebrate mammalian biped (feminine)
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC WEIGHT: Accepted as 118 lb. but is known to vary from 100/160 lb.
OCCURRENCE: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
USES:
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
TEST:
CAUTION:
Highly dangerous except in experienced hands, and must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more than one specimen, although a certain amount of exchange is permitted.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the chemists to get some condoms. The chemist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the checkout, the chemist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a chemist."
A motorist who had broken down hailed the first car that passed him. 'Excuse me,' he said, 'but could you possibly give me a lift to the nearest town?'
'I'm sorry" said the other motorist, 'but I'm a chiropodist on my way to my surgery and I'm late already.'
'Good,' said the first motorist. 'In that case you can give me a tow.'
A man goes to his doctors and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?" "Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history. "So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! "Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?" "Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."
A lady arrived at her First Aid class very excited. 'I saw a dreadful accident yesterday, she said, 'and you would have been so proud of me!'
'What did you do?'
'I took one look at the poor man lying in a pool of blood and I knew just what to do. I put my head between my knees to stop myself from fainting.'
A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me horny.. keep me
potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this,
you'll go nuts for twelve hours."
The man says, "Gimme three boxes."
The next day the man walks into the same pharmacy. limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and skin is
hanging off in some places.
The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."
The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that!"
The man says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist ? The genealogist looks up your family tree and the gynecologist looks up your family bush.
The doctor and his wife were out shopping when a beautiful girl in a fur coat walked past. She gave the doctor a broad smile and waved. 'And who is that?' asked his wife frostily.
'Just someone I see professionally,' said the doctor.
At which his wife raised her eyebrows. 'Your profession or hers?'
A man speaking frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asks. "No, you idiot, this is her husband!!"
My doctor's a quack! My wife got treated for liver problems for 20 years, and then she dies from a heart attack!
My doctor's much better than that. If he treats you for liver problems, you can bet your last penny you're going to die of liver problems.
In a biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of
glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"
"That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her
books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip
of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
This AIDS shit really bothers me!!!
A woman visited her doctor complaining that she hurt all over. When the doctor asked her to be more specific, she touched her nose, "Ow!" she cried, and touched her left earlobe, "Arghh!" even that hurts, doctor!" The doctor checked her over, then informed her that she had a broken finger.
A woman went to her doctor complaining that her husband’s sexual feelings for her seemed to have declined.
The doctor, being an old friend of the family, gave the woman some pills to slip into her husbands tea, so at least the man wouldn’t get a complex about being a bit under powered.
Two days later the woman was back in the doctors surgery.
"What happened" asked the doctor, "did the pills work?"
"Fantastic", replied the woman. "I was so eager to see their effect on my husband that I tipped three of them into a cup of coffee, and within seconds of drinking it, he got up, kicked
over the table, ripped off my clothes, dragged me onto the floor and ravished me!!"
"Oh," said the doctor, I’ll hope you weren’t too surprised".
"Surprised", said the woman, "I’ll never be able to set foot in that restaurant again!"
A group of masked bandits held up a medical supply warehouse, and stole 5000 Viagra pills, it is reported that police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast
fed or on the bottle?"
"Breast fed", she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry, You don't have any milk."
"Naturally", she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came".
The new baby was about to arrive. The doctor knocked on the door and was admitted by a little five year old girl, " Is Daddy in," the doctor asked, "No only me and Mummy " came the reply." I will have to ask your little girl to help me as I have no midwife" said the doctor to his anxious patient. Well after a while a healthy baby boy was delivered and as the doctor smacked his bottom he turned to his little sister and said "You know why I did that don't you ", "Oh yes!" she replied " that'll teach him not crawl in there again".
Worst Case Of Diarrhea I Ever Saw
Two doctors were discussing the new nurse 'She's amazing,' said one. 'We went for a drink last night and then round to her place. She's terrific in bed, even better than my wife! And she
fancies you, why don't you take her out, too?'
The next day they met again. 'I took that nurse out as you suggested" said the other man, 'and as you said she's very good in bed though I wouldn't say that she's better than your wife
Beer and Ice Cream Diet
Justification for beer and Ice cream! But stay away from the pizza!
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C. For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal/gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gm) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalised.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.
Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each gram of beer contains 0.5 latent calories, but extracts 36 calories in the temperature normalising process. Thus the net calorie loss per gm of beer is 35.5 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 16420 calories (464 gm (1 pint). x 35.5 cal./gm) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a pint of beer.
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.
We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.
Happy eating!
IT AINT EASY BEING A DICK!
I'VE GOT A HEAD I CAN'T THINK WITH
AN EYE I CANT SEE OUT OF
I HAVE TO HANG AROUND WITH TWO NUTS ALL THE TIME
CLOSEST NEIGHBOUR IS AN ASS HOLE
WORST OF ALL MY OWNER BEATS ME
AND MY BEST FRIEND IS A PUSSY
AND NOW 'CAUSE OF AIDS I HAVE TO WEAR THIS RUBBER SUIT, AND THROW UP ALL OVER MYSELF
Dr. CHANG
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across da froor".
She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now.you crawl real fass back to me," and she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem".
The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease, that when your face look ZACHARY like your ass!"
The psychiatrist was giving a lecture, 'In my experience, many illnesses of a depressive nature are directly linked to physical activity, in fact I'd go so far as to say that there's a direct
correlation between cheerfulness and the number of times people have sex.' The audience became more interested.
'Let's try a little experiment, shall we?' he suggested. 'Would all those who make love at least once a night stand up, please?' Several giggling young couples stood up.
'You see,' said the lecturer, 'look how bright and healthy they all seem. Now would those who make love three times a week stand up?' More couples got up. 'You can see that they're perfectly
healthy" he said, 'but they don't seem to have quite the sparkle of the last lot, have they?' There was a murmur of agreement.
'And now would the people who only make love once a year stand up, please, I think you'll find that generally, ladies and gentlemen, these people will be depressed and miserable.' But even as he was
speaking, a man in the front row stood up. He was beaming, positively glowing with excitement arid good cheer.
'I only have sex once a year,' he volunteered.
'Then why are you looking so pleased with yourself?' asked the lecturer, beginning to feel very foolish.
'Because,' said the man, 'tonight's the night!'
THE BEST OF THE WORST OF ER.
A few stories from our nation's Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is stranger than fiction.
A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitro-glycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitro-glycerin explode.
A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.
A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the man’s genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search, one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight, the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting. The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.
Six firemen dragged a woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs into the ER on a tarp. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".
A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!). Instead, he was saying, "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter and a neatly folded twenty-dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"
An elderly woman came into the ER complaining, "I got the green vines in my virginny". A pelvic exam verified that she did, indeed, have a six-inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.
A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning, the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room. Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there." Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?"
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts, the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
A 15-year old boy was lying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with a needle he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been screwing the dog?"
A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. "Then I went to the bathroom and 'gagged' myself to vomit, but couldn't vomit it up either."
The most non-emergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.
A middle-aged woman had had one child every year for 12 years, and then for the past two years had not fallen pregnant. When her doctor asked the reason, she replied that she had had a deaf aid fitted. Perplexed the doctor enquired further. "Well", she replied, "before my husband and I would go to bed, and hubby would ask "do you want to go to sleep or what?" and I always used to say "What?"
A man goes to the doctor and tells him, "Doctor, I don’t know what the problem is but I can’t stop farting all the time. It’s not really a problem because my farts are silent and don’t smell. In fact while I’ve been in here I must have farted at least 20 times." The doctor nodded and gave him some pills. "Take these pills for the next 2 weeks and see me again when they are finished." So he takes the pills. He returns 2 weeks later as instructed. Infuriated he confronts the doctor. "What kind of pills are these? I’m still farting silently all the time but now they stink terribly!" The doctor nodded, "That’s all right, now we have your sinuses cleared up, we’ll work on your hearing."
A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his patients in specimen jars as mementoes, and
now wished to fashion them into a souvenir. So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leather smith and asked him to craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do,"
said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week."
The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article that the leather smith had made for him. But the leather smith presented to him only a wallet. "All those foreskins and
you make for me only a wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon. The leather smith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase.
Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma centre after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there."
A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill. The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week for the results. The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his doctor that he is HIV positive. "But how can this be" he cries, "I'm only a paper bag". "Well have you had unprotected sex in the last year?" asks the doctor. "No, how can I?" he shouts "I'm only a paper bag" "How about sharing needles, giving blood, anything like that?" "I've said to you before" the paper bag sobs "how can I, I'm only a paper bag" "Ahhhh" says the doctor shaking his head sadly "In that case I suspect your mother must have been a carrier."
One day, Ken complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs £5.00." Ken figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £5.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the £5.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter's using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife's pregnant - twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better.
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. . . . . . . "I think you're bad luck."
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he accidentally rubs her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. The Doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."
A pregnant woman is in a bank when an armed robber enters the bank and shoots the pregnant woman three times in the stomach. The woman is rushed to hospital where the doctor saves the woman's
life. When the woman leaves hospital she asks the doctor about her baby, the doctor replies that she is going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach.
"Don't worry though," says the doctor, "The bullets will pass through their system over the course of time." As time goes on the woman has the triplets - two girls and a boy.
Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says, "Mummy, I've done a very weird thing!" Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, "I passed a
bullet into the toilet". The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.
A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mummy, I've done a very weird thing!" The mother says "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into
the toilet, right?". The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes. How did you know?".
A month later the boy comes up and says, "Mummy, I've done a very bad thing!" His mother asks, "You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?" The son replies, "No, I was
wanking and I shot the dog!"
Father and young son were in a chemist’s shop, the lad, being at that inquisitive age, says "Dad, what are those things called?" Father answers, "Condoms, son." "What are those for Dad?" Asks the lad, "They’re used when big boys and girls play together". "Dad, why are they in packets of 1, 3 or 12"."Well son", answers dad, "The packets of one are for big school boys and girls on a Saturday night, the packets of three are for college school boys and girls, for the weekends, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the packets of twelve are for married mummies and daddies, January, February..
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to
him, "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can
only use it once a year! All you have to do is say "123" and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The
witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is "1234" and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year". So, the guy goes home and that night he is
ready to surprise his wife with the good news. While lying in bed with her he says, "123", and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says, "What did you say 123
for?"
Two Young Doctors were in their favourite pub, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down an burger too
fast.
The first Doctor said to the other, "Think we ought to help?"
"Yep," said the second Doctor.
The first Doctor got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Can you breathe?" She shook her head no.
"Can you speak?" he asked. She shook her head no again.
With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and started to lick her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe again, with great relief.
The first Doctor turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"
A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the
base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or
adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest
restaurants in the city.
However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis
sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my arse."
A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realising his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's fucking great! Some asshole's got my pen!"
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breast.
"Do you know what I am doing know?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."
An Irish bloke goes to the doctor. "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible". he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom,
and then a £10 note appears. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?
"Well fur fughs sake teyhk it out man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc ..... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?.
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.
A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere.
A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.
Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say: "Scottish"
The other signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said "Irish"
This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say: "Glasgow"
Again the second replied in a weedy frail voice "Dublin"
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out.
Days passed before the first man managed to again point to himself and say: "Jimmy"
Replied the other: "Paddy"
A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly: "Cancer"
Paddy responded: "Sagittarius"
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind
of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer
lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
An old man was so terrified of dying that he took great care of his health. He went to his doctor monthly, for a check-up. He explained to the doctor, 'I don't drink and I don't smoke, I jog
ten miles a day, I don't even look at women and I live on organic foods, a sugar and fat free diet. I should last another twenty years.'
The doctor looked sadly at him. 'Why would you want to?'
A lady doctor was examining a man. 'Drop your trousers,' she instructed, and then proceeded to grasp him firmly. 'Say ninety-nine,' she ordered.
The patient began, 'One, two, three ...'
A deaf mute walks into chemists to buy some condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, he finally unzips his pants, places his
dick on the counter and puts down a five pound note next to it. The pharmacist looks at it, smacks down another five pound note, unzips his pants, lays his penis across from the deaf mute's member,
then picks up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the chemist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the chemist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
Penis Length Survey
Men are notorious liars about their penis length, so I have devised the following foolproof test.
Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z key).
Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is ``1234567890-+'' the backspace key removes the `.)
Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above test.
Cautions:
Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.
Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard; or place two keyboards end to end.
If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with alcohol first.
On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT.
Incidentally, this test can also be used to diagnose some genital disorders:
|
Test Results |
Diagnosis |
|
1 |
You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome |
|
12367 |
You have a strange gap in your penis |
|
12efgbn |
Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean. |
|
12wgui,l=]\ |
Seek immediate medical care |
This chap walked into a doctors surgery, a very pretty young girl was coming out, sighing and sobbing bitterly. He says, "There there, it can't be all that bad?" She says, "Oh yes it is, the doctor's just told me I'm pregnant." The chap sees the doctor and asks him if it's true, the doctor says, "No, but it cured her hiccups!"
Two cleaner ladies in the mortuary, one says, "I'm having some of that", pointing to a body with huge erection.
When she'd finished she said "God that was amazing, the best sex I've ever had!"
The other said "I couldn't, it's my time of the month"
Her mate replied, "I cant see him complaining, can you?"
So her friend got on and after about 10 minutes she heard a moan coming from the corpse, she shouted to her mate "He's alive!"
To which the corpse said "Alive! Another transfusion like that an' I'll be back in work on Monday!"
A man who went into hospital to have an ingrown toenail removed from his left foot woke up a few hours after the operation and discovered that the surgeon had amputated his right leg.
Apologising profusely, they sent him back down to the operating theatre to treat the toenail, but sadly this went wrong. Infection set in and a few days later he had to have his other leg removed.
'I'm going to sue this hospital for every penny you've got!' he told the surgeon- 'I'm going to make sure that you're ruined!'
'Not a chance' said the surgeon. 'You haven't got a leg to stand on.'