EXPAT JOKES > MARRIAGE 2

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful  teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast, bacon eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? A Ryvita? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow?
He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite".
At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something, perhaps a bowl of home made soup with (mmmmmmmm), a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of French fries and a beer?
He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite".
Come supper time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the fish 'n chip shop and buy him a haddock supper. Maybe a steak and chips or a stew? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?
He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite".
"Well", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking starving".

A man gets bored of having sex with his wife.  He tells his best friend who tells him, "Why don't you do it like the Chinese do it?"  The guy asks, "Well, how do the Chinese do it?"
"The Chinese, they screw a little, then they stop, go outside for a little while, come back in, screw a little bit more, leave for a few minutes, come back in, screw a little bit more..."
So the man goes home and starts screwing his wife.  Then he stops and goes outside, smokes a cigarette, comes back in and starts screwing again, gets up, comes back in, gets up a third time and his wife says, "Hey!  What's the matter with you?  You're screwing just like a Chinaman!"

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room. When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess. The husband says, "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me."
So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested.
The husband says, "I can deal with that."
He takes off her shirt and shouts, "Boy! you are small, but I love you anyway."
The husband says, "I have something to confess also."
She says, "No matter what I will still love you."
He says, "Okay. I am built like a baby down there."
She says, "I can deal with that."
So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up.
She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?"
He says, "Yeah....7lbs, 21inches."

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double.
The man thinks for a moment and then says "OK", give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress.
If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly. Make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.

While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the road.
By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.
The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses,
the old man said, "While you're in there, can you get my hat, too.

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane.
"And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride cost ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars.
"Stumpy and Martha agree and up they go.
The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy,
"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
"Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

A young man said to his girlfriend's father, "I realise this is only a formality, but would you mind me marrying your daughter?"
"Who says it's only a formality?" asked the father angrily.
"Her obstetrician" replied the young man.

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and thought "It really works!"

A mans wife is naked, looking at herself in the mirror, "I wish my boobs were bigger", she says, "Have you tried rubbing toilet paper between them?" Hubby replies, "will that really make them grow bigger?" she asks. "Well it worked for your arse!....

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!"

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

A guy gets married and for the first year he never leaves his wife alone. Every day , morning noon and night, he is at it .
His wife is a little pissed off about this so she goes to her mother and says "Mom, he won't leave me alone , every day, 4-5 times a day, he's like a rabbit."
Her mother tells her to go to the fish mongers and get a fish and place it in her pussy.
That night the husband comes home and drags her upstairs, rips of her clothes and proceeds to make love to her . On entry he screams and pulls out, he is bleeding and covered in scratches, so for the next year he does not even look at his wife.
She, beginning to feel a little randy after this long lay off, again approaches her mother and asks for advice.
Her mother tells her to wait until he is in bed and then show him what he is missing .
That night , he is lying in bed , she strips off and climbs onto the bed. She then steps over him, but just as her ass is passing his face , she farts.
The guy looks up and says "Bark you bastard, but you won't bite me again!!"

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, would you tell me in what manner you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

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