EXPAT JOKES > MARRIAGE 1

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• A boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.
• A boy asked his father, Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
• A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
• A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
• A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same : "You can have mine."
• A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife. "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The wife excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather? " He says, "Pack them all, you're leaving!"
• A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
• A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."
• A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother" His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"
• A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• A woman had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with jewels. Her explanation: "If I die and my husband remarries, I want his next wife to go mad looking for the jewels."
• A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied.
• After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
• As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.
• As you grow older, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy...
• At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
• Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish ... 
• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
• Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
• Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.
• Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
• Do you know what they call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? -- A widow.
• Do you know why women fake orgasm? Because men fake foreplay.
• Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
• First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
• Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
• Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
• How do most men define marriage?
  A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
• I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
• I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
• I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.
• I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
• If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.
• If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
• I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
• It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
• It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
• I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After meeting you, I've changed my mind.
• Just then there was a knock on the door. I knew it was the wife's mother because the mice were throwing themselves on the traps.
• Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
• Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking about?
• Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
• Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
• Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's really finished.
• Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
• Marriage is grand - but divorce is about 10 grand.
• Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
• Mixed feelings is when you see your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new car.
• My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
• My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have a wife and a girlfriend.
• Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
• Research has shown that today's most common form of marriage proposal is: "You're WHAT!?"..
• Some people think life begins at conception, while others think life begins at birth. But some believe that life begins when the kid moves out and the dog he left behind dies.
• Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.
• Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!
• The man (proudly) says to his friend, "My wife's an angel!" The friend answers, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
• The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answer machine says it's in the microwave.
• The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
• The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
• The wife said, "How would you like to speak to Mummy?" - I said, "Through a spiritualist".'
• Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late."
• There isn't a word for marriage - it's a sentence.
• We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits.
• What's the difference between a wife and a condom? Nothing, they both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough on your dick.
• What is the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job still sucks!
• When a man opens the door of the car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
• When a newly married man looks happy everyone knows why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - everyone wonders why.
• When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
• When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
• Wife, proudly to her husband, "You know dear, I can still get into the same skirts I had before we got married." Husband, tersely, "I wish I still could!"
• You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
• You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
• You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
• Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep.

The newlyweds arrived at the hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite.
"Do you have reservations," asked the desk clerk.
"Only one, " replied the groom, "she won't take it up the arse."

A couple were having a discussion about family finances.
Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

A recent wedding took place at Clemson University.

It was a huge affair with over 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many of whom had traveled long distances to support them at their Wedding. He wanted to thank both their families but especially his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He asked the guests to open their gift. Inside each of the envelopes was an 8x10 glossy of the blushing bride having sex with his best man. The groom had become suspicious weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After standing there, just watching the guests reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man & bride and said, "F--- you!" He then turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

When most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing was wrong but he did have good sense to have the marriage annulled first thing the following day.

His revenge.........making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

That guy had balls the size of church bells.

I can see the latest MasterCard "PRICELESS" commercial now,

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD!!!

All You Care About Is Sex And Football!

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?

Here, Grab these, I'm going back for the wife

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says, "You truly are a kind man, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen."
The man replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long.
But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

Edna went into her local branch of Ann Summers to buy some fancy new panties. The sales lady talked her into buying some real nice bright red crotchless panties.
Edna put them on and waited for her husband, Ralph, to get home from work.
When Ralph arrived, Edna was all laid out upon the bed and pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on. With a wide smile across her face, Edna asked, "Want some of this?"
Ralph took just one look and said, "Fuck no! it's already eaten a hole in your knickers..."

Pass me the hair drier will you?

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on her bottom and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle"
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know, if you firmed up these we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know, if you firmed up this, we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the milkman and your brother."

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you for free!" The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife exclaims. "I'm coming with you.....I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

"Seen me teef?"

Fred and Bert were in the pub one evening, Fred complained that his wife seemed to have gone off sex. Bert suggested that if he went home while his wife was asleep, pulled off the bed covers, and give his misses a good muffing out, that when she wakes up she would sub-consciously want sex every time she was in bed.
Fred goes home, sneaks into the bedroom, rips off the bed sheets, gives his misses a world champion muffing, and then goes to the bathroom.
When he opens the door, his misses is sitting on the crapper, she whispers, "Fred, be quiet, don't wake your mother, she's staying overnight"
(Courtesy of Roy 'Chubby' Brown)

Edna went into her local Teeside branch of Ann Summers to buy some fancy new panties. The sales lady talked her into buying some real nice bright red crotchless panties.
Edna put them on and waited for her husband, Ralph, to get home from work.
When Ralph arrived, Edna was all laid out upon the bed and pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on. With a wide smile across her face, Edna asked, "Want some of this?"
Ralph took just one look and said, "Fuck no, it's eaten a hole in your panties..."

The Italian says, "When I'vea finished a makina da love with my girlfriend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Englishman says, "Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin my wife, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick on the curtains. She hits the fucking roof!!!"

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married. They went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
While they were lying by the pool one morning, he got up off of his towel, climbed the ten - meter board, and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in the jack-knife position. When he straightened out, he cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps, she climbed back out and laid down on her towel, hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I used to work both sides of the canal."

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast, bacon eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow? He declines.
"It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite".
At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something, perhaps a bowl of home made soup with (mmmmmmmm), a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of french fries and a beer? He declines.
"It's this Viagra", he says,"It's really taken the edge off my appetite".
Come supper time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the fish 'n chip shop and buy him a haddock supper. Maybe a steak and chips or a stew? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes? He declines.
"It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite".
"Well", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking starving".

A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire-station." "Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks." "From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way." "When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to screw all night." The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to screw. After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!" "What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks.
"More hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

OK Ethel, where's the car?

Bobby and Helen are now married 40 years. When they first got married, Bobby said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage, Helen never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and £1,750.00 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Helen could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" Bobby thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Helen was shocked "I'm very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that's not that bad considering the number of years we've been married." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Helen was still curious "Why do you have all that money in the box?" to which Bobby replied "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I've got to have you!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her knickers and fucked her. When he finished he started putting his clothes back on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door and he asked, "What's wrong honey? Didn't you come? Do you want more?" His wife said, "No, no, it's not that. I'm just trying to get the doorknob out of my arse."

A guy gets married but is a virgin and needs help with his technique. He gets a friend to tag along and rent a room that connects via the bathroom. He figures that he can pretend that nature called and go get advice at any time.
As soon as he and his wife get started, he becomes confused and rushes into the bathroom. While he's in there, his new bride discovers that she needs to take a dump badly. She finds a shoe box and squats down and takes care of business. As she finishes, he starts to come out, so she turns out the lights and jumps into bed.
As he walks across the room, he steps in it and screams, "Oh man, this box is full of shit!" His buddy yells out from the bathroom, "turn 'er over Fred, turn 'er over".

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