EXPAT JOKES > LIMERICKS
A caddy called Tommy the Tough
Had an heiress way out in the rough.
He said, 'Let's not fuck,
Let's you and me suck.'
And he buried his head in her muff.
A cardinal living in Rome
Had a Renaissance bath in his home.
He would savour the nudes
As he worked up his moods,
In emulsions of semen and foam.
A certain young fellow from Buckingham
Stood on the old bridge at Ruckingham
Watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em.
A considerate stripper called Jane
Donned a skirt of thin cellophane.
When asked why she wore it
She said, 'I abhor it,
But my cunt juice would spatter like rain.'
A copper from Old Clapham Junction,
Whose organ had long ceased to function,
Deceived his dear wife
For the rest of her life
With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
A dancer who came from Darjeeling
Could perform with such sensuous feeling
There was never a sound
For miles around,
Save of fly buttons hitting the ceiling.
A detective called Ellery Queen
Had olfactory powers so keen,
He can tell at a flash
By sniffing a gash
Who the previous tenant has been.
A dirty old man from Khartoum,
Lured an innocent girl to his room.
He not only fucked her,
He buggered and sucked her,
And left her impaled on a broom.
A disgusting young man called McGill
Made his neighbours exceedingly ill,
When they heard of his habits
Involving white rabbits
And a bird with a flexible bill.
A forward young man with a fiddle
Asked a young fan, 'Do you diddle?'
She replied, 'Yes, I do,
But prefer it with two -
It's twice as much fun in the middle.'
A geologist called Doctor Robb
Was perturbed by the urge in his knob,
So he put down his pick
And jerked off his wick,
Then calmly went on with his job.
A grubby young harlot called Schwartz
Had a cunt that was covered in warts.
They tickled so nice
She'd command a high price
From the blokes in the summer resorts.
A pretty young laundress called Spangle
Had tits tilting up at an angle.
'They may tickle my chin,'
She said, with a grin,
'But at least they stay clear of the mangle.'
A harlot from Newcastle-on-Tyne
Used to peddle her arse down the line.
She first got a crown,
But her value went down -
Now she'll fuck you for ten pence or nine.
A horny old miser called Fletcher
Grew tired of being known as a lecher.
In a spasm of meanness
He cut off his penis,
And now he regrets it, I bet'cha.
A horny young fellow called Rick,
Liked to feel a girl’s hand on his prick.
He liked them to fool,
With his tiny wee tool,
‘Till his undersized member was sick.
A horrid small girl in Madrid,
A most insensitive kid,
Told her Auntie Louise
That her cunt smelled of cheese,
And the worst of it was that it did!
A jaded young man from Darjeeling
Had a tool that reached up to the ceiling.
In the electric light socket
He'd stick it and rock it,
My word! What a wonderful feeling!
A lad of extremely high station
Was found by a prudish relation
Making love in a ditch
To - I won't say a bitch -
But a woman of no reputation.
A lady who thought sex a treat
Thought a gang-bang would make life complete.
Fifteen men and a dog
All went the whole hog,
And she left a snail trail down the street.
A young man from Bethnall Green
Wasn't weaned until nearly sixteen.
He said, 'I'll admit
There's no milk in the tit,
But think of the fun it has been.'
A lascivious fellow called Lees
Loved to give his poor cock a long squeeze.
This continual friction
Made real sex a mere fiction,
But his phallus hung down to his knees.
A lascivious lady from Sidney
Could take fucking right up to her kidney.
But a chap from Quebec
Shoved it up to her neck.
He had a real beauty, now didn't he?
A lascivious parson named Binns
Liked to talk of loose women and things.
But his secret desire
Was a boy in the choir
With a bottom like jelly on springs.
A lecher who lived in Bombay
Had fashioned a cunt out of clay.
The heat from his prick
Fired the damn thing to brick,
And abraded his foreskin away.
A lewd Northumbrian Druid
Had a mind so filthy and lewd,
He woke from a trance
With his hand in his pants
On a lump of cold seminal fluid.
A liberal lass from Blackheath
Chose to fuck an old man with her teeth.
She complained that he stunk,
Not so much from the spunk,
But his arsehole was just underneath.
A lonely old lady called May
Used to stroll in the park 'cross the way.
There she met a young man
Who fucked her and ran -
Now she goes to the park every day.
A loony young fellow from Mecca,
Discovered a record from Decca,
Which he spun on his thumb
(These eccentrics are dumb)
While he needled the disc with his pecca.
A lusty young ranger from Maine
With no woman for years had he lain.
He found sublimation
At a high elevation
In the crotch of a pine - God, the pain!
A maiden who dwelled in Palm Springs
Had her maidenhead torn into strings
By a hideous Kurd,
And although it's absurd,
When the wind blows through it, it sings.
A miserly man named McEwan
Inquired, 'Why bother with screwing?
It's safer and cleaner
To polish your wiener,
And besides, you can see what you're doing.'
A modern young lady named Hall
Went out to a birth control ball.
She was carrying pessaries
And other accessories,
But no one approached her at all
A modest young maiden called Wilde
Sought to keep herself undefiled
By thinking of Jesus,
Contagious diseases,
And the bother of having a child.
A ne'er-do-well fellow from Brent
Had his wife fuck the landlord for rent.
But as her cunt dried,
The landlord's lust died,
And now they camp out in a tent.
A newly-wed couple called Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean,
Through eighty positions,
Their complex coitions
Demonstrated their fucking devotion.
A notorious hooker called Hearst
In the weakness of men is well versed.
Reads a sign by the head
Of her often used bed:
'The customer always comes first'.
A Paris-based artist named Sayer
As a cubist was really quite fair.
He searched all his life
To find him a wife
Possessed of a cunt that was square.
A pathetic appellant in Reno
Was as chaste as the Holy Bambino,
For she'd married a slicker
Who much preferred liquor
And scorned her ripe maraschino.
A pervert who lived in Khartoum
Was exceedingly fond of the womb.
He thought nothing finer
Than a woman's vagina,
And kept three or four in his room.
A phobic young virgin called Flvnn
Shouted before she gave in:
'It isn't the deed,
Or the fear of the seed,
But the big worm that's shedding it's skin!'
A pooftah who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with what, and to whom.
A pox-ridden lady called Rix
Was enamoured of sucking large pricks.
One fellow she took
Was a doctor called Crook
Now he's in one hell of a fix.
A preposterous King of Siam
Said, 'For women I don't give a damn.
But a fat-bottomed boy
Is my glee and my joy -
They call me a bugger - I am!'
A price-conscious hooker called Annie
Whose tariff was fair, but quite canny:
A pound for a fuck,
Fifty pence for a suck,
And two bob for a feel of her fanny.
A prudish young maiden called Rose
Is particular how men propose.
When they say, 'Intercourse?'
She answers. 'Of course,'
But to 'Fuck?' she just turns up her nose.
A prudish young maiden from Florence
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
'Til a Spanish grandee
Got her hot with his knee,
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
A prudish young woman from Ealing,
Professed to lack sexual feeling.
But a cynic called Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
A rampant young knave from Ostend
Let a pretty girl play with his end.
She took hold of Rover,
And felt it all over,
And it did what she didn't intend.
A randy young fellow called Reg
Was jerking off under a hedge.
The gardener drew near
With a large pruning shear,
And lopped off the edge of his wedge.
A reckless young woman from France
Had no qualms about taking a chance,
But considered it crude
To get screwed in the nude,
So she always went home with damp pants.
A remarkable race are the Persians,
They do have so many diversions.
They screw the whole day
In the regular way,
And save up the night for perversions.
A scandal involving an oyster
Sent the Countess of Clewes to a cloister,
She preferred it, in play,
To the Count, they all say,
Being longer, and stronger, and moister.
A young woman from Manchesteter,
Said to the man who undressed her,
'I think you will find
That it's better behind,
The front is beginning to fester.'
A sensible bounder called Frisk
Had a method of screwing that's brisk.
The idea was: 'If
The bitch has the syph,
This way I'm reducing the risk.'
A similar young tart from Mandaley,
Douched with the new rotary spray.
Said she, 'Ah, that's better
I've found that French letter
That's been missing since Armistice Day.'
A singular lady called Grace
Had eyes in a very strange place.
She could sit on the hole
Of a mouse or a mole
And stare the beast straight in the face.
A squeamish young student named Brand
Adored caressing his gland.
But he viewed with distaste
The gelatinous paste
That it left in the palm of his hand.
A student of music from Sparta
Was a truly magnificent farter;
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart God Save the Queen,
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
A student who hailed from St John's
Badly wanted to bugger the swans.
'Oh no,' said the porter,
'Please bugger my daughter,
Them swans is reserved for the Dons.'
A Sunday school student in Mass
Soon rose to the top of the class,
By getting things right,
And sleeping the night
With his tongue up the clergyman's ass.
A tidy young girl from Berlin
Chose to eke out a living through sin.
Although she loved fucking,
She much preferred sucking,
And wiped off the pricks with her chin.
A timid young maiden from Thrace
Said, 'Darling! That's not the right place!'
So he gave her a smack,
And did on her back
What he couldn't have done face to face.
A tip for you jaded old souls:
Try changing the usual roles.
The backwards position
Is nice for coition
And offers the choice of two holes.
A torrid young man from Liverpool
Had so hot and tumescent a tool
That each female crater
Explored by this satyr
Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
A very young maid from Peru
Had nothing whatever to do,
So she sat on the stairs
And counted cunt hairs -
Six thousand, four hundred and two.
A vicar advised Barbara Lennin,
'A kiss of your cunt isn't sinnin'.'
And he stuck to his story
'Til he tasted the gory
And menstruous state that she was in.
A vice both Obscure and Unsavoury
Kept the Bishop of Chester in slavery.
Amidst terrible howls
He deflowered young Owls
In a crypt fitted out as an aviary.
A vigorous whore from Warsaw,
Fucked all her customers raw.
She would punt with her cunt,
And thump with her rump,
And suck every prick that she saw.
A weakling who lacked protoplasm
Sought to give his young wife an orgasm,
But his tongue jumped the gap
'Twixt the front and the back,
And got pinched in a bad anal spasm.
A well-endowed fellow called Dannv
The size of whose prick was uncanny,
Made his wife, the poor dear,
Take it into her ear,
And it came out the hole in her fanny.
A well-endowed man from Toledo
Was cursed with excessive libido.
To bugger and screw,
Take fellatio too,
Were the three major points of his credo.
A willing Scots lass called McFargle,
Without coaxing and such argy-bargle,
Would suck a man's pud
Just as hard as she could,
And save up the sperm for a gargle.
A woman who lived in a spinney
Had a cunt that could bark, neigh or whinny.
The hunting set hopped her,
Fucked, buggered, then dropped her
When the pitch of her organ went tinny.
A worn out old hooker called Tupps,
Was heard to confess in her cups,
"The height of my folly,
Was fucking a collie,
But I got a good price for the pups."
A worn out young hooker from Rome
Was fatigued from her toes to her dome.
Eight soldiers came screwing,
But she said, 'Nothing doing;
One of you has to go home!'
A worried lad from Blackpool,
Discovered red marks on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
'Get out of my clinic,
And wipe off the lipstick, you fool!'
A young lady got married in Chester,
Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
Says she, 'You're in luck,
He's a bloody good fuck,
For I had him myself down in Leicester.'
A young lass from North Carolina,
Had a most capricious vagina:
To startle the tucker
'Twould suddenly pucker,
And whistle the chorus of Dinah.
A young man who once lived in Briggen
Went to sea to recover from frigging.
But after a week
As they climbed the forepeak
He buggered the mate in the rigging.
A young man with passions quite gingery
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
He spanked her behind
And made up his mind
To add incest to insult and injury.
A young matelot new to Brighton
Remarked to his girl, 'You've a tight one.'
She replied, 'Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole -
There's plenty of room in the right one.'
A young violinist from Rio
Was seducing a lady named Cleo.
As she slipped off her panties
She said, 'No andantes;
I want this allegro con brio!'
A zoologist's daughter from Ewing
Birthed a fine fritillary blue-wing.
Her father said, 'Flo,
What I want to know
Isn't whether, but what you've been screwing.'
Alas, the poor Duchess of Kent!
Her cunt is amazingly bent.
The poor thing doth stammer,
'I need a sledgehammer
To pound a man into my vent!'
An Admiral of old called Horatio
Was inordinately fond of fellatio.
He kept accurate track
Of the boys he'd attack,
And called it his cock-sucking ratio.
An adventurous lad from Kildare
Was fucking a girl on the stair.
The banister broke,
But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
An adventurous lady from Troy
Invented a new kind of joy:
She sugared her quim,
And frosted the rim,
And then had it sucked by a boy.
An agreeable girl called Miss Doves
Likes to fondle the young men she loves.
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.
An ambitious young woman in Reno,
Lost most of her money on keeno.
But she lay on her back
And opened her crack,
And now she owns all the casino.
An ancient but jolly old bloke
Once picked up a lass for a poke;
He wore her plum out
With his fucking about,
Then he shit in her shoe for a joke.
An ancient old tart from Silesia,
Said she, 'As my cunt doesn't please ya,
You might as well come
Up my slimy old bum,
But beware that my tapeworm don't seize ya.'
An ancient old whore named McGee
Was just the right sort for a spree.
Said she, 'For a fuck
I charge half a buck,
And throw in the arsehole for free.'
An apprentice young stud from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
Found he hadn't the knack,
He was much too far back -
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
An Arab called Abou ben Adhem
Thus cautioned a travelling madam,
'I suffer from crabs
As do most us Arabs.'
'It's alright,' said madam, 'I've had 'em.'
An astonishing tribe are the Sweenies,
Renowned for the length of their peenies.
The hair on their balls
Sweeps the floors of their halls,
But they don't care for women, the meanies.
An astronomer slept in the sun,
Then woke with his fly quite undone.
He remarked, with a smile,
'Hoorah! A sundial!
And it's now a quarter past one.'
An attractive young girl from Des Moines
Had a very large sack full of coins.
The nickels and dimes
She had earned from the times
That she cradled young lads in her loins.
An eager young fellow from Norway,
Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh.
But the air was so frigid
It froze his balls rigid
And all he produced was frappe.
An elderly bishop from Brest
Quite openly practised incest.
'My sisters and nieces
Are all dandy pieces,
And don't cost a sou,' he confessed.
An elderly chap from Tagore
Wished to try out his cook as a whore.
He used Bridget's twidget
To fidget his digit,
And now she won't cook any more.
An elegant fellow, young Saul,
He was able to bounce either ball.
He could stretch 'em and snap 'em,
And juggle and clap 'em,
Which earned him the plaudits of all.
An elegant roue called Scott
Took a horny young maid to his yacht.
But too lazy to rape her,
He made darts of brown paper,
Which he languidly flew at her twat
An enormously fat girl, Regina,
Employed a young water diviner,
To play a slick trick
With his prick as a stick,
To help her locate her vagina.
An experienced hooker, Arlene,
Said, 'Give me a lad of eighteen.
His pecker gets harder,
There's more cream in his larder,
And he fucks with a vigour obscene.'
An impoverished fellow from Yale
Had a face that was notably pale.
He spent his vacation
In self-masturbation
Because of the high cost of tail.
An incorrigible clown from St James
Indulged in the jolliest games;
He lighted the rim
Of his grandmother's quim,
And guffawed as she pissed through the flames.
An indelicate fellow from Ealing,
Was devoid of all sociable feeling.
When a sign on the door
Read, 'Don't shit on the floor',
He jumped up and shat on the ceiling.
An indelicate lady called Bruce,
She captured her man with a ruse:
She packed up her fuselage
With a good, viscous mucilage,
And he never could prise himself loose.
An indolent fellow called Blood
Made his fortune by being a stud,
With a fifteen inch whang
And bollocks that clang
And a load like the Biblical flood.
An innocent maid from Penzance
Decided to take just one chance.
So she let herself go
In the lap of her beau,
And now all her sisters are aunts.
An innocent maiden from Maine
Declared she'd a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain he had lain.
An innovative fellow called Hunt
Trained his prick to perform a neat stunt:
This versatile spout
Could be turned inside out
Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
An inquisitive chap from Lapland
Was informed that fucking was grand.
But at his first trial
He said with a smile,
'I've had the same feeling by hand.'
An insatiable lady from Spain,
Had multiple sex on the brain.
She liked it again,
And again, and again,
And again, and again, and again.
An intrepid young Frenchman called Rhemmes
Was attempting to fuck on a tandem.
At the peak of the make
She slammed on the brake,
And scattered his semen at random.
An old couple at Eastertide
Were having a bit when he died.
The wife for a week
Sat tight on his peak,
And bounced up and down as she cried.
An unfortunate chap from Port Said
Once fell down a toilet and died.
His unhappy mother
She fell down another;
And now they're interred side by side.
An unfortunate pirate called Bates
Liked to do the fandango on skates.
But he fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
An unusual chap, I should mention,
Has a hair-lined lower intestine.
Though exceedingly fine
In the buggery line,
It's notoriously poor for digestin'.
An unusual man from Kutki
Could wank himself off with one eye.
For a while, though, he pined
When his eyeball declined
To function because of a stye.
An unusual nurse from Japan
Lifted men by their pricks to the pan.
A trick of jujitsu,
And either it shits you,
Or makes you feel more of a man.
An unusual woman called Creek
Had taught her vagina to speak.
It was frequently liable
To quote from the Bible,
But when fucking - not even a squeak!
An unwashed young girl from the Klondike
Had a body that was worth quite a long hike.
And her face isn't bad,
Yet she's never been had,
'Cos her cunt has a smell very cod-like.
Another fellow - called Dave -
When he found that dead whore in the cave,
Said. 'I'll go first,
And if she doesn't burst,
I'll come to the entrance and wave.'
Another young maid from New York
Chose to plug up her cunt with a cork.
A woodpecker or two
Made the grade, it is true,
But it utterly baffled the stork.
Anthropologists up with the Sioux
Cabled home for two punts, one canoe.
The answer next day,
Said, 'Girls on their way,
But what the hell's a "panoe"?'
'At a seance,' said a fellow called Post,
'I was being sucked off by a ghost;
Someone switched on the lights
And there, in silk tights,
On his knees, was old Basil mine host.'
'Doc, I took your advice,' said McKnop,
'And made the wife get up on top,
Got her bouncing about,
But it kept falling out,
And the kids, much amused, made us stop.'
Fuck me quick, fuck me deep, fuck me oft,
In the bog, in the bath, in the loft,
Up my arse, up my cunt,
From behind, from in front,
With your best, stiffest stand, nothing soft.
Growing tired of her husband's great mass,
A young bride inserted some glass.
The cock of her hubby
Is now short and stubby,
And the wife can piss out of her arse.
Have you heard the sad tale of young Lockett?
He was blown off his feet by a rocket.
The force of the blast
Blew his balls up his arse,
And his penis was found in his pocket.
I could hear the faint buzz of a bee
As it buried its sting deep in me.
Her arse it was fine
But you should have seen mine
In the shade of the old apple tree.
I know of a story that's fraught
With disaster - of balls that got caught,
When a chap took a crap
In the woods, when a trap
Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought.
I love her in her evening gown,
I love her in her nightie,
When moonlight flits
Across her tits -
Jesus Christ Almighty!
I recall an old man from Duluth
Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
He fucked with his nose
And his fingers and toes,
And he came through a hole in his tooth.
I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda.
I was rude, but my God! she was ruder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude.
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her.
If you're speaking of actions immoral,
Then how about giving the laurel
To doughty Queen Esther,
No three men could best her -
One fore, one aft, and one oral.
'I'll admit,' said a lady called Barr,
'That a penis is like a cigar;
But, in general, to people
A phallic church steeple
Is stretching the subject too far.'
In spite of a fearsome disease
O'Reilly went down on his knees
Before altars of gods,
Whores, boys and large dogs -
And all this for very small fees.
It is a delight here in Lancs.,
To walk up the green river banks.
One time, in the grass
I stepped on an arse,
And heard a young girl murmur, 'Thanks!'
'It's been a very fine day,'
Yawned Lady McDougal McKay.
'Three cherry tarts,
At least twenty farts,
Two shits and a bloody good lay.'
'It's dull in Duluth, Minnesota,
Of spunk there is not an iota,'
Complained Alice to Joe,
Who tried not to show
That he yawned as he poked with his bloater.
It's recorded that Emperor Titius
Had a preference for pleasures most vicious.
He took two of his nieces
And fucked them to pieces,
And thought it completely delicious.
Jane met a young man for some action.
His foreplay gave her satisfaction.
They enjoined in coition
In the strangest position,
And his femur is now up in traction.
Jill stitched up a thing of soft leather,
And topped off the end with a feather.
When she poked it inside her
She flew like a glider,
And gave up her lover forever.
'Last night,' said a lady called Ruth,
'In a long-distance telephone booth,
I enjoyed the perfection
Of an ideal connection -
I was screwed, if you must know the truth.'
Midsummer-Night's Dream's like a fever
When good old Bottom the Weaver,
Slipped his huge member out,
And up the Queen's spout
Without her knowing.
Now who would believe her?
'My back aches, my penis is sore.
I simply can't fuck any more.
I'm dripping with sweat,
And you haven't come yet,
And, my God! it's quarter past four!'
My grandfather adored his old tether
And loved tickling his balls with a feather.
But the thing he loved best
Out of all of the rest
Was jostling them gently together.
My wife is an amorous soul,
On fire for a young athlete's pole.
She called her new chauffeur
Her sexual gopher,
And, boy, did he go for her hole!
Now Caroline, writer of verse,
Was laid low one day by the curse.
And her menstrual flow
Was a bit of a blow,
To the laundry, who'd seen nothing worse.
Old nymphomaniacal Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In downtown Regina,
And her arsehole in Buckingham Palace.
On the tits of a barmaid from Sale
Were tattooed all the prices of ale.
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same list of prices in Braille.
Said a weary young fellow called Shea,
When his prick wouldn't stand for a lay,
'You must seize it and squeeze it,
And tease it and please it,
For Rome wasn't built in a day.'
Said an overworked hooker called Randells,
Of the dozens of men that she handles,
'When I get this busy
My cunt gets so jizzy,
That it runs down my legs like wax candles.'
Said an urgent young sailor called Dicky,
As his girl eyed his stiff throbbing dicky,
"My leaves almost up,
And I need a good tup,
Bend over, I’ll slip you a quicky".
Said an urgent young sailor called Micky,
As his girl eyes his stiff, throbbing dicky,
'Pet, my leave's almost up,
And I need a good tup -
Bend over, I'll slip you a quickie.'
Said the Duchess of Chester at tea,
'Young man, do you fart when you pee?'
I replied with some wit,
'Do you belch when you shit?'
I think that was one up to me.
That wicked old Sappho from Greece
Said, 'What makes me feel really at peace
Is to have my pudenda
Rubbed hard by the enda
The snub little nose of my niece.'
The appeal of a whore in Bengot
Was the absence of hair on her twat.
It was smooth as a dream,
Not through shaving or cream,
But through all the fucking she got.
The Coroner reported, in Preston,
'The verdict is anal congestion.
I found an eight-ball
On a sail maker's awl
Halfway up the Commander's intestine.'
The desperate Vicar of Coring
Drilled a suitable hole in the flooring.
He lined it all round,
Then gently he ground.
It's neater and cheaper than whoring.
The limerick form is complex,
Its contents deal mainly with sex.
It burgeons with virgeons
And masculine urgeons,
And a wealth of erotic effex.
The nipples of young Miss Hong Kong,
When excited are twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong.
The priests of the temple of Isis
Used to offer up amber and spices,
Then nip round the shrine
And perform sixty-nine
And other unpardonable vices.
The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring,
He was lame, but he came
With his dame like a flame -
A discharge is a wonderful thing.
The tool of a fellow called Randall
Shot sparks like a fine Roman candle.
His glorious stand
Produced colours quite grand,
But the girls found him too hot to handle.
The very same man from Khartoum,
Lured an innocent girl to her doom.
He not only fucked her,
He buggered and sucked her
And left her to pay for the room.
The Vicar of Dunstan St Just
Consumed with irregular lust,
Raped the Bishop's prize fowls,
Buggered four startled owls
And a little green lizard, that bust.
The vicar of Dunstan St Just,
Consumed with irregular lust.
Raped the bishops prize fowls,
Buggered four startled owls,
And a little green lizard that bust.
The whang of a fellow called Grable
Was as pliant and long as a cable.
Each eve as he ate,
This suave reprobate
Would screw his wife under the table.
The wife of a sportsman called Chuck
Found her married life clean out of luck.
Her husband played hockey
Without wearing a jockey,
Now he ain't what it takes for a fuck.
The wife of a warrior Celt
Lost the key to her chastity belt.
She tried picking the lock
With an Ulsterman's cock,
And the next thing he knew, he was gelt.
There once was a big boy called Bowen
Whose penis kept growin' and growin'.
It grew so tremendous,
So heavy and pendulous,
'Twas no good for fuckin' - just showin'.
There once was a Cambridge B.A.
Who pondered the problem all day
Of what there would be.
If c-u-n-t
Were divided by c-o-c-k.
There once was a dancer from Exeter
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
But some, more depraved,
Unzipped them and waved
The distinguishing marks of their sex at 'er.
There once was a fellow called Ziegal
Who decided to bugger a beagle,
But just as he came,
A voice called his name,
Saying, 'Now me, but you know it's illegal.'
There once was a fellow named Brink
Who possessed an extremely tart dink.
To sweeten it some,
He soaked it in rum,
Now he's driven his girlfriend to drink.
There once was a fellow, McNamiter
With a prick of prodigious diameter.
But it wasn't the size
Gave girls a surprise,
But his rhythm - iambic pentameter.
There once was a gardener from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
Great tufts of grass
Sprouted out of his arse
And his balls were soon covered in weeds.
There once was a girl who begat
Three brats, by name Tat, Nat and Pat.
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding,
When she found there was no tit for Tat
There once was a lass from Samoa
Who plugged up her cunt with a boa.
This weird contraceptive
Was very effective
To all but the spermatozoa.
There once was a maid from Yorkshire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, 'It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you push it a few inches higher?'
There once was a maiden from Arden
Who sucked off her man in the garden.
He said, 'Darling Flo,
Where does my sperm go?'
She replied, (swallow hard) - 'Beg your pardon?'
There once was a maiden from Thrace
Whose corsets grew too tight to lace.
Her mother said, 'Nelly,
There's things in your belly
That never got in through your face.'
There once was a miserly knave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, 'I'll admit
I'm a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save!'
There once was a monk from Siberia
Whose morals were somewhat inferior.
He did to a nun
What he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a Mother Superior.
There once was a Queen of Baroda
Who caused to be built a pagoda.
The walls of its halls
Were festooned with the balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her.
There once was a well-blessed young Hindu
Much admired in the towns that he'd been to
By the women he knows,
Who wriggle their toes
At the tricks he can make his foreskin do.
There once was a young man called Tensill
Whose organ was shaped like a pencil.
Anaemic, 'tis true,
But an excellent screw,
Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
There once was an artist called Tensill
Whose tool was as sharp as a pencil.
He drove through an actress,
The sheet and the mattress,
And shattered the bedroom utensil.
There once was gymnastic whore,
As expert behind as before.
For five quid you could view her,
And bugger and screw her,
As she stood on her head on the floor.
'There surely must be a trick to it,'
Said a Peeping Tom watching all through it.
'While he's locked in that ring,
I will whip out my thing,
And polish it while I review it.'
There was a fair lady at sea
Who said, 'How it hurts me to pee.'
'I see,' said the mate,
'That accounts for the state
Of the captain, the purser, and me.'
There was a fair maid named Anheuser
Who said that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
There was a fair maiden called Grace
Who took all she could in her face,
But a well-endowed lad
gave her all that he had,
And blew tonsils all over the place.
There was a fair maiden called Heather
Whose labia were fashioned in leather.
She made a strange noise,
Which attracted the boys,
By flapping the edges together.
There was a fair maiden whose joys
Were achieved with remarkable poise.
She would reach her orgasm
With scarcely a spasm,
And could fart without making a noise.
There was a lascivious wench
Whom nothing could ever make blench.
She'd insert a man's pole
In just any old hole,
And she'd bugger, fuck, jerk-off and French.
There was a man from Bhoghat,
Whose arse cheeks were terribly fat.
They had to be parted
Whenever he farted,
And propped wide apart when he shat.
There was a most versatile whore,
As expert behind as before.
For five quid you could view her,
And bugger and screw her,
As she stood on her head on the floor.
There was a Nabob of Madras
Whose balls were constructed of brass.
When jostled together
They played Stormy Weather,
And lightning shot out of his arse.
There was a notorious seaman
Who with ladies was quite a young demon.
In peace or in war,
At sea or on shore,
He was liberal and free with his semen.
There was a senora from Spain
Whose appearance was mightily plain,
But her quim had a pucker
That made the men fuck her,
Again and again and again.
There was a sweet lady who said,
As her new beau climbed into her bed,
'I'm tired of this stunt
That they do with one's cunt,
You can slip up my bottom instead.'
There was a sweet maiden called Dowd
Whom a young lecher groped in a crowd.
But the thing that most vexed her
Was when he stood next her
He said, 'How's your cunt?' right out loud.
There was a young boy called Taylor
Who seduced a respectable sailor.
When they put him in jail
He settled the bail
By doing the same to the jailer.
There was a young dentist called Stone
Who saw all his patients alone.
In a fit of depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
Good Lord! How his practice has grown!
There was a young fellow called Dirk
Who dozed off one day after work.
He woke with a scream
When he had a wet dream,
And polished it off with a jerk.
There was a young fellow called Howell
Who buggered himself with a trowel.
The triangular shape
Was conducive to rape,
And easily cleaned with a towel.
There was a young fellow called Lancelot
Whose neighbours looked on him askance a lot.
Whenever he'd pass
A pretty young lass,
The front of his pants would advance a lot.
There was a young fellow called Price
Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
He loved virgins and boys
And mechanical toys,
And on Mondays he meddled with mice.
There was a young fellow called Runyon,
Whose penis developed a bunion.
With every erection,
This painful infection,
Gave off a strong odour of onion.
There was a young fellow- from Datchet
Who lopped off his prick with a hatchet.
He sent it to Whitely,
With a note wrote politely,
And ordered a cunt that would match it.
There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose tool was amazingly bent.
To save himself trouble
He put it in double,
And instead of coming, he went.
There was a young fellow from Perth -
The dirtiest bugger on earth.
When his wife was confined
He crept up behind,
And swallowed the whole afterbirth.
There was a young gaucho called Bruno
Who said, 'There's one thing that I do know.
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno.
There was a young gigolo, Meek,
Who invented a lingual technique.
It drove women frantic,
Made them feel romantic,
And wore all the beard from his cheek.
There was a young girl called Dolores,
Whose cunt was all covered in sores.
The dogs in the street
Used to snap at the meat,
That hung in green gobs from her drawers.
There was a young girl called McBight
Who got drunk with her boyfriend one night.
She came to her bed
With a split maidenhead -
'Twas the last time she ever got tight.
There was a young girl called O'Clare
Whose body was covered in hair.
It was really quite fun
To probe with one's gun,
For the target might be anywhere.
There was a young girl from Cornell
Whose nipples were shaped like a bell.
When you touched them they shrunk,
But when she got drunk,
They quickly got bigger than hell.
There was a young girl from Detroit
Who at screwing was very adroit.
She could squeeze her vagina
To a pin-point, or finer,
Or open it out like a quoit.
There was a young girl from Dundee
Who went down to the river to pee.
And a man in a punt,
Stuck an oar in her cunt,
And now she wears glasses, you see.
There was a young girl from Dundee
Who was raped by an ape in a tree.
The result was most horrid -
All arse and no forehead,
Three balls and an ill-groomed goatee.
There was a young girl from Eskdale
Who put up her sweet arse for sale.
For two threepenny bits
You could tickle her tits,
But a shilling would get you some tail.
There was a young girl from Hoboken
Who claimed that her hymen was broken
From riding a bike
On a cobblestone spike,
But it really was broken from pokin'.
There was a young girl from Throgmorton
Who had one long tit and a short 'un.
To make up for that,
She'd a six foot wide twat,
And a fart like a 650 Norton.
There was a young girl named Priscilla,
Who flavoured her cunt with vanilla.
The taste was so fine,
Men and beasts stood in line,
But she called it a day with Godzilla.
There was a young lady called Astir
Who seldom let any get past her.
One night she got plenty
And finished at twenty.
One imagines that that ought to last 'er.
There was a young lady called Blunt
Who possessed a rectangular cunt.
She learned, for diversion,
Posterior perversion,
As no one could fit her in front.
There was a young lady called grace,
Who liked you to cum all over her face.
But a well endowed lad,
Gave her all that he had,
And blew her tonsils all over the place.
There was a young lady called Hilda
Who went for a walk with a builder.
He knew that he could,
And he should, and he would -
And he did - and it bloody near killed her!
There was a young lady called Moore
Who, while not quite precisely a whore,
Could not miss the chance
To whip off her pants
To compare a man's stroke with her bore.
There was a young lady called Ransom
Who was serviced three times in a hansom.
When she cried, 'Give me more!'
A voice from the floor
Said, 'My name is Simpson not Samson.'
There was a young lady called Riddle
Who had an untouchable middle.
She acquired many friends
Because of her ends,
For it isn't the middle you diddle.
There was a young lady from Cheam
Crept into the vestry unseen.
She ripped off her knickers,
Likewise the vicar's,
And rammed in the Episcopal bean.
There was a young lady from Dee
Who slept with each man she did see.
Should it come to a test
She wished to be best,
And practice makes perfect, you see.
There was a young lady from Kent,
With a cunt of enormous extent.
It was so deep and so wide,
The acoustics inside,
Caused an echo whenever you spent.
There was a young lady from Natchez
Who was fully equipped with two snatches.
She often cried, 'Shit!
I'd give either tit
For a man with equipment that matches.'
There was a young lady from Norway
Who hung by her heels from a doorway.
She said to her beau,
'Look at this, Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way!'
There was a young lady from Readin'
Who got poxed and the virus was spreadin'.
Her cunt layers each day
Kept sloughing away,
Until you could shove your whole head in.
There was a young lady from Reading,
Who got poxed, and the virus was spreading.
Her cunt layers each day,
Kept peeling away,
Until you could shove your whole head in.
There was a young lady from Shotton,
Who plugged her diseased cunt with cotton.
For it was no myth,
That she had the syph,
She stunk and her arsehole was rotton.
There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her
To cry when she came,
'Oh dear, what a shame!
Well now we just have to start over.'
There was a young maid from Cape Cod
Who dreamed she was sleeping with God.
'Twas not the Almighty
Who pulled up her nightie,
'Twas Roger the lodger, the sod!
There was a young maid from Cape Cod,
Who dreamed she was sleeping with god.
‘Twas not the almighty,
Who pulled up her nightie,
‘Twas Roger, the lodger, the sod!
There was a young maid from Madrid
Who would open her legs for a quid.
But a handsome Italian
With balls like a stallion
Said he'd do it for nothing - and did.
There was a young maid named McDuff
With a lovely luxuriant muff
In his haste to get in her
One eager beginner
Lost both of his balls in the rough.
There was a young maiden called Flynn
Who thought fornication a sin,
But when she was tight
It seemed quite alright,
So everyone filled her with gin.
There was a young maiden called Randall
Who caused quite a neighbourhood scandal
By walking out bare
To the main village square
And poking herself with a candle.
There was a young maiden from Rheims
Who started to pee in four streams.
A friend poked around
And a fly-button found
Tightly wedged in her intimate seams.
There was a young man from Coblenz
Whose balls were quite simply immense:
It took forty draymen
A priest and three laymen
To transport them thither and hence.
There was a young man from Devizes
Whose balls were of different sizes.
The left one was small,
Almost no ball at all,
And the right one was large and won prizes.
There was a young man from Madras
Who was stuffing a maid in the grass.
But the tropical sun
Spoiled some of his fun
By singeing the hairs on his arse.
There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
'If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it.'
There was a young man from Nantucket
Took a pig to a thicket to fuck it.
Said the pig, 'No, I'm queer,
Get away from my rear,
Just come to the front and I'll suck it.'
There was a young man from Nantucket,
Whose cock was so big he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it.
There was a young man from Peru
Whose lineage was noble all through.
It's surely not crud,
For not only his blood
But even his semen was blue.
There was a young man from Racine
Who invented a knobbing machine.
Concave or convex,
It would suit either sex,
With attachments for those in between.
There was a young man from Rangoon
Who farted and filled a balloon.
The balloon went so high
That it stuck in the sky,
Which was tough for the Man in the Moon.
There was a young man of Australia
who painted his arse like a dahlia.
The drawing was fine,
The colour divine,
But the scent - alas - was a failure
There was a young man of Hong Kong
Who sported a metre of prong.
It looked, when erect,
As one would expect,
When coiled, it did not seem so long.
There was a young monk from Tibet,
And this is the strangest one yet -
His prick was so long,
So pointed and strong,
He could bugger six Greeks en brochette.
There was a young novice called Bell
Who didn't like cunt all that well.
He would finger and fuck one,
But never could suck one,
He just couldn't get used to the smell.
There was a young pervert from Mayence
Who flicked his own arse in defiance
Not only of habit
And morals but - dammit -
Most of the known laws of science.
There was a young Scot from Dumfries
Who said to his girl, 'If you please,
It would give me great joy
If with this you could toy,
Then pay some attention to these.'
There was a young squaw of Chokdunt
Who had a collapsible cunt.
Though it had many uses,
It made no papooses,
But fitted both giant and runt.
There was a young stud from Glenchasm
Who had a stupendous orgasm.
In the midst of his thrall
He burst both his balls,
And covered an acre with plasm.
There was a young stud from Missouri
Who fucked with astonishing fury,
'Til taken to court
For his vigorous sport,
And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
There was a young stud in Madrid
Who got fifty good fucks for a quid.
When they said, 'Aren't you faint?'
He replied, 'No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as well as I did.'
There was a young tyro called Fyffe
Who married the love of his life.
But imagine his pain
When he struggled in vain,
And just couldn't enter his wife.
There was a young vicar of Eltham
Who wouldn't fuck girls, but he felt 'em.
In lanes he would linger
And play stinky finger,
And moan with delight when he smelt 'em.
There was a young virgin from Bude
Whose proclivities were often viewed
With distrust by the males
For she'd fondle their rails,
But never would let them intrude.
There was a young whore from Tashkent
Who commanded an immoral rent.
Day out and day in
She lay writhing in sin,
Giving thanks it was ten months to Lent.
There was a young widow from Kent
With a cunt of enormous extent,
And so deep and so wide,
The acoustics inside
Formed an echo whenever you spent.
There was a young woman called Dexter
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
For whenever they'd start
He'd let fly a great fart
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
There was a young woman called Gloria
Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
By six other men,
Sir Gerald again,
And the band of the Waldorf-Astoria.
There was a young woman called Hall
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burned her entire,
Front page, sporting section, and all.
There was a young woman from Bicester
More willing by far than her sister.
The sister would giggle
And wriggle and jiggle,
But this one would come if you kissed her.
There was a young writer called Twain
Whose cock had a sinister stain.
And when he bent down,
You could see it was brown,
And was said to wash off in the rain.
There was an experienced whore
Who knew all the coital lore.
She said, 'Though it pain us,
Men opt for my anus,
So now I don't fuck any more.'
There was an old abbess quite shocked.
She found nuns where the candles were locked.
Said the abbess, 'You nuns
Should behave more like guns,
And never go off till you're cocked.'
There was an old Bey from Calcutta
Who greased up his arsehole with butter.
Instead of the roar
Which emitted before,
Came a soft, oleaginous flutter.
There was an old hooker from Grotten
Who plugged her diseased cunt with cotton.
For it was no myth
That she had the syph -
She stunk, and her arsehole was rotten.
There was an old king called Canute
Who was troubled by warts on his root.
He put acid on these,
And now when he pees,
He can finger his root like a flute.
There was an old lecher from Critch,
Had the syph and the clap and the itch.
His name was McNabs
And he also had crabs,
That dirty old son-of-a-bitch.
There was an old leper from Bosham
Who took out his bollocks to wash 'em.
His wife said, 'Jack,
If you don't put 'em back,
I'll jump on your scrotum and squash 'em.'
There was an old maid from Bermuda
Who shot a marauding intruder.
It was not her ire
At his lack of attire,
But he reached for her jewels as he screwed her.
There was an old man from Corfu
Who fed upon cunt juice and spew.
When he couldn't get that
He ate what he shat,
And bloody good shit he shat too.
There was an old man from Tangore
Whose tool was a yard long or more.
He supported the thing
In a surgical sling
To prevent it from scuffing the floor
There was an old man of Decatur
Who took out his trouser potater.
He tried at her dent
But when his thing bent,
He got down on his knees and he ate 'er.
There was an old roue named Tucker
Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
Said, 'Don't stretch out your lips
Like an elephant's hips,
Us chaps like it best if you pucker.'
There was an old tart from Marseilles,
Washed her cunt with a high-pressure spray.
She said, "Ah that’s better,
I’ve found a French letter,
That’s been missing since last Christmas day".
There was an Oz tart from Naroo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said, with a grin,
'If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too.'
There were two rampant men of Lahore
Who buggered and fucked the same whore.
But the partition split
And both jism and shit
Leaked out in a gush on the floor.
Thus spake the old Bey from Algiers,
'I've been whoring around for long years,
And my language is blunt:
A cunt is a cunt
And rucking is fucking.'(Loud cheers).
To his girl said the lynx-eyed detective,
'Is my eyesight the least bit defective?
Has your east tit the least bit
The best of your west tit,
Or is it a trick of perspective?'
Today's cinematic emporium
Is not just a visual sensorium,
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium.
Two innocent ladies from Grimsby
Inquired, 'Of what use can our quims be?
The hole in the middle
Is so we can piddle,
But for what can the hole near the rims be?'
We knows three young ladies from Cuxham,
And whenever we meets 'em, we fucks 'em.
When that game grows stale
We sits on a rail,
Then pulls out our pricks, and they sucks 'em.
When a horny young curate in Leeds
Was discovered, one day in the weeds
Astride a young nun,
He cried, 'This is fun!
Far better than telling one's beads'.
When a woman in strapless attire
Found her breasts lifting higher and higher,
The guests formed a line
For the mantle was fine
And they all wished to stoke up the fire.
When Angelico worked in cerise,
For an angel, he painted his niece.
In a heavenly trance
He whipped off her pants,
And erected a fine altar-piece.
When his friend's turn came to pass,
He took in a bundle of grass
To make a soft buffer
To protect, when he stuffed her,
His prick if it poked through her arse.
When Theocritus guarded his flock
He piped in the shade of a rock.
It is said that his Muse
Was one of the ewes
With a twat like a pink hollyhock.
Yet one more, whose excitable gland
Made him think this adventure was grand,
Thought fucking cold meat
An unusual treat,
'Til a tit came adrift in his hand.