Death Row
EXPAT JOKES > LAWYERS
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A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when
he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.
"I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!". St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the Pearly Gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he
told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."
SEASON AND BAG LIMIT ON ATTORNEYS
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight . The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely
tore off the driver's door of the Lexus.
The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on
your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the shop opened," replied the prisoner.
Comments Allegedly made in the heat of legal proceedings:
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honourable" in front of your name. Not a damn thing.
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defence?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he
seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.
His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one
that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control
myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
Death Row
Questions asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
A: *********
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
A: *********
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
A: *********
Q: Did he kill you?
A: *********
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
A: *********
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
A: *********
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: *********
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
A: *********
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
A: *********
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
A: *********
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
A: *********
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
A: *********
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
A: *********
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
A: *********
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about
Q: Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after she died?
A: ********
Q: What is your name?
A: Earnest McDowell
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Could be better
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
Q: Officer, how far was the defendant's vehicle in front of you?
A: Approximately one-half mile.
Q: Can you see clearly for one-half mile?
A: Yes.
Q: Well Officer, I'm in doubt that can you see clearly an incident that is occurring one-half mile away. So suppose you tell us all again just how far you can see!
A: Well sir, on a clear night, I can all the way to the moon.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in
your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"
Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.
"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."
A middle aged man and a woman fell in love and decided to get married.
On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."
The startled groom asks, "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."
The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."
"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was............. God I miss him!"
"But you're a lawyer, so now I know I'm gonna get screwed!"