EXPAT JOKES > KIDS 2 (LITTLE JOHNNY STORIES)

The English teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

One day, Little Johnny comes home from school and asks his father, "Dad, what's a penis?"
His father whips out his tool and says, "That, son, is a penis. It's not only a penis, it is the perfect penis."
The next day, a classmate asks Little Johnny what a penis is, so he exposes his tool and says, "This is a penis. And, it would be a perfect penis if it was three inches shorter."

Liltle Johnny brings his grandfather into class one day to tell the children some of his WWII airforce stories.
"We were deep over enemy territory, and it was a bad scrape, I can tell you kiddies. There were Fokkers to our left, Fokkers to our right, Fokkers above us, Fokkers below, there were even Fokkers behind us" began his grandfather.
"Sorry to interupt sir, but I'd better explain to the children that you were referring to the Dutch make of aeroplane, the Fokker used by the Luftwaffe, the German airforce" interjected Johnny's teacher.
"Well that's where you're wrong, sonny, these fokkers were Messerschmitts, and boy did those Krauts know how to fly the fokkers."

The infants had now moved up to primary school. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, no, you went to see your Grandmother. Use the grown up word." The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer.
He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
"Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy.
"Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

Nanu!

Little Johnny is 13 years old, he comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was.
He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."
"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!", says the mom.
A while later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."
Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.
"Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right?
Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"
So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.
The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter"
The entire class says "Hello Mrs. Prussy"
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick. When Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I Remember it has an "R" after the first letter".
"That's right" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Johnny says "Mrs. Crunt?"

One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.
Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.
Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

A primary school teacher decided to expand the horizons of her students. During the visit to a nearby farm, she challenged the children to raise their hands up if they knew the correct sound made by each animal.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Cindie willingly and politely raised her hand and said, "Moooo!"
"Very good, Cindie," replied the teacher," and what sound do sheep make?"
"Baaaa," answered Jimmy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "And what sound does a pig make?"
All the children in the class raised their hands all at once! She was surprised at the response.
"Little Johnny, go ahead and tell us the sound the pig makes," she encouraged.
He composed himself took a deep breath and bellowed, "Up against the wall and spread 'em, you little thief!!"

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys of his age, rather curious. He had heard a lot about courting and wondered what it was all about and how it was done. He took the question to his mother who became flustered about it all. So instead of explaining it to him, she told him to hide behind the curtain and watch his sister and her boyfriend courting. He did this and the following morning explained what he had seen.

Sis and her boyfriend turned off most of the lights and then sat down on the couch. He then started to hug and kiss her. Sis must have been getting sick as her face went funny. Her boyfriend realised this and put his hand up her jumper to feel her heart, but it took along time to find it. I guess he was getting sick as well because they both started panting and getting out of breath. I think his other hand must have been getting cold because he put it up her skirt to warm it. About this time Sis got worse because she started moaning and groaning and moved to the end of the couch, saying she was feeling really hot.

Finally I found out what had been making them feel sick, a big eel had gotten in her boyfriends pants. It just jumped out and stood there. It was over 10" long 'honestly'. Anyway he then grabbed it to stop it getting away. When Sis saw it her mouth dropped open. She started to call God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. (I shall have to tell her about the ones down in the lake). Sis got brave by trying to bite its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let it go. I guess it must have bitten her back. She then grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he slipped a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over its head to stop it from biting.

She laid back and opened her legs so that she could put a scissors hold on it, and he helped by laying on top of it. The eel must have put up a hell of a fight as Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend nearly upset the couch. I guess they tried to kill it by squashing it between them. After a while they both stopped moving and let out a big sigh.

Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it was just hanging there limp. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired but went back to courting again.

Anyway he started kissing her again, and bugger me the eel was not dead after all. It jumped straight up and started fighting again. I guess eels are like cats and have nine lives or something like that. This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After they had struggled for a while the finally managed to kill it. I knew it was dead because I saw Sis's boyfriend skin it and flush it down the toilet.

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."

If it really is one, let me hear it "meow"

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car pass the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace". Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...." Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story.
So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and "....then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Ted used to do when Daddy was in the Navy."

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

Little Johnny is walking home from school one day when a car pulls up at the side of him. The driver says to him. "Jump in I'll give you a lift"
Johnny ignores him and carry's on walking. A little further up the road the car again pulls at the side of him and the driver said. "Look jump in and I'll give you £10.
Johnny  told him to piss off, and carried on walking. Still further up the road the car again pulls at the side of him, and the driver said. "Get in and I'll give you £20 and that's my final offer.
Johnny  walked over to the driver's window and said. "Look, you bought the fucking Skoda dad, and you have to live with it."

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. One day the teacher brought in a great variety of Fruit flavoured sweets, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," said the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher had them put a honey flavoured sweet in their mouths, all of the children were stumped. "I'll give you hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny spat the sweet out of his mouth and yelled, "Spit' em out, you guys !!!! They're arseholes!"

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