EXPAT JOKES > Ladies Jokes1

EXPAT JOKES > LADIES 1

ONE LINERS

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
Why are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
Why are men like noodles? They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares?
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How do you let your boyfriend know that you’ve had an orgasm? Give him a telephone call.
How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot of his head.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Who knows? it never happens.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, men will screw anything.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a room? That depends on how thin you slice them.
What three words are most hated by men during sex? "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
What three words do women hate to hear when having sex? "Honey, I'm home!"
What do ceramic tile and men have in common? If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!
What do men and beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What do you call a man with an IQ of 5? Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What do you get when you cross a rooster with M&M's? A cock that melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
What do you get when you cross a rooster with peanut butter? A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What have toilet seats, anniversaries and the clitoris got in common? Men miss them all.
What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? The man.
What is the thinnest book in the world? What men know about women.
What's a mans idea of foreplay? About half an hour of begging.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A man will actually search for a golf ball.
What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee? One is hairy, smelly and always scratching its arse, and the other is a chimpanzee.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted several times.
What's the difference between getting a divorce and circumcision? When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.
What's the difference between, "Ooooh," and "Ahhhh?" About three inches
What's the smartest thing a man can say? My wife says..."
Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony? The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.
Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony? The woman who can eat the last two donuts.......
Why are men and parking spaces alike? The best ones are always taken, what's left are the handicapped.
Why are men and spray paint alike? One squeeze and they're all over you.
Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why did God put men on earth? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So oxygen can get to their brains.
Why do men have stupid looks on their faces? Because they're stupid.
Why do men like BMWs? They can spell it.
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much? They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.
Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? She knows she's given her last blow job.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg? They won't stop to ask directions.
Why does the doctor hit the baby's behind when it is born? To knock the balls off the smart ones.
Why don't men have to use toilet paper? Because God made them perfect assholes.
Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
Why don't women have men's brains? Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
Why is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don't know when he's coming, how many Inches you'll get, or how long it'll last.
Why is food better than men? Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They have boyfriends already .
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 50,000 miles, whichever came first.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

No-So-Dumb Blonde
One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway. He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me £5, and vice-versa." She says no again, and tries to fall asleep. The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you £50 for each question. Or how about £500?" At that number, the blonde agrees. The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me £5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you £500. "Got it," she replies. He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him £5. Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?" The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives her £500.00. Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?" She thinks a few minutes, hands him £5 and walks off the plane.

Remember.... Virginity is like a bubble; one prick and it's gone!

THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A MAN WITH A SMALL PENIS

I've smoked fatter joints than that.
Ahh, it's cute.
Stop fingering me and fuck me.
I'm sorry.
Who circumcised you?
Why don't we just cuddle?
You know they have surgery to fix that.
It's more fun to look at.
Make it dance.
You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
Can I paint a smiley face on that?
Wow, and your feet are so big.
My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
It's OK, we'll work around it.
Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Oh no, a flash headache.
(giggle and point)
Can I be honest with you?
My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
Let me go get my tweezers.
How sweet, you brought incense.
This explains your car.
You must be a growing boy.
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
Are you one of those pygmies?
Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
Ever hear of Clearasil?
All right, a treasure hunt!
I didn't know they came that small.
Why is God punishing you?
At least this won't take long.
Let's just stick with your hand.
Do you need a splint to prop that up.
How interesting.
I never saw one like that before.
What do you call this?
But it still works right?
Damn I hate baby-sitting.
It looks so unused.
Do you take steroids?
I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Let me know when you're done.
Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
Aww, it's hiding.
Are you cold?
If you get me real drunk first.
Is that an optical illusion?
What is that?
Does this run in your family?
I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
Were you neutered?
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Does it come with an air pump?
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
Where are the puppet strings?
Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
Deep throat??? I doubt it'll reach my tongue!!!
Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
Can you get this pencil out of me now?
Do I hang my hat on it?
Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
Don't hold back.
Never mind, why bother.

WOMAN'S TALK

Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"

Husband: "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
Wife: "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I lie on the sofa and fart."

Eve, in the Garden of Eden, called out, "Lord, I have a problem." And the Lord said, "What's the matter, Eve?" I know you created me and this beautiful garden. But I'm lonely and I'm sick of eating apples." "Well, in that case," replied the Almighty, "I'll create a man for you." "What's a man? she replied" "He's a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But he's big and fast and muscular. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball and hunting animals, and not too bad in the sack." "Sounds allright!" replied Eve "There's one condition" added the Lord. "You'll have to let him believe that I made HIM first"

BENEFITS OF BEING FEMALE

We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
We know The Truth about whether size matters.
If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her ass.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We don't have to memorise Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
We know that there are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

If the Cosmopolitan Adviser was a man...

Dear Cosmo:
Q: My husband-to-be still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Dear Cosmo:
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Dear Cosmo:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Cosmo:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged.
The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Dear Cosmo:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Dear Cosmo:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Dear Cosmo:
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present .....and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Dear Cosmo:
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Cosmo:
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

Cats' facial expressions
The need for the same style of shoes in different colours
Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
Fat clothes
Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
Cutting your bangs to make them grow
Eyelash curlers
The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
And the Number One thing only women understand: OTHER WOMEN

Are You Sure I'll Sink If You Take It Out?

Jack & Jill
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.'
She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' So I replied, ...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "here try these on." She does and says, "These are too large, Jack, they don't fit me." So Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine." He does and says, "I can't get into your pants."
"...exactly, Jack. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

IF WOMEN RAN THE WORLD...

A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men.
Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be considered "Macho."
The hem of men's pants would go up or down depending on the economy.
Men would be forced to purchase overpriced clothes every season.
Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles.
PMS would be a legitimate defence in court.
Men would come with papers showing their true identity, marital and employment status, if they live with their mother, and whether they have had their shots.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
"Ms Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Men would be as attentive AFTER marriage as they were before.
Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.
All toilet seats would be nailed down.
Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
Men would have their wedding rings permanently attached so they can't pretend to be single.
During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flushes and women would date 19 year old boys.
Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks".
Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.

40 WAYS MEN FAIL IN BED.

Not kissing first. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
Blowing too hard in her ear. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
Not shaving. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
Squeezing her breast. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
Biting her nipples. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
Twiddling her nipples. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts not just the exclamation points.
Ignoring the other parts of her body. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body that you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
Getting the hand trapped. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
Leaving her a little present. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
Attacking the clitoris. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
Stopping for a break. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
Undressing her awkwardly. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
Giving her a wedgie during foreplay. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
Being obsessed with the vagina. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
Massaging too roughly. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
Undressing prematurely. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
Taking your pants off first. A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.
Going too fast. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel lie an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
Going too hard. If you bash your great triangular hipbones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
Coming too soon. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
Not coming soon enough. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
Asking if she has come. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
Performing oral sex too gently. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
Nudging her head down. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
Not warning her before you climax. Sperm tastes like seawater mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
Moving around during fellatio.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
Taking etiquette advice from porn movies. In x-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
Making her ride on top for ages. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
Attempting anal sex and pretending it was an accident. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
Taking pictures. When a man says, "can i take a photo of you?" She'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
Not being imaginative enough. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candlewax and permanent dye are a no no.
Slapping your stomach against hers. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
Arranging her in stupid poses. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
Looking for her prostate. Read this carefully: anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
Giving love bites. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
Barking instructions. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
Talking dirty. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
Not caring whether she comes. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
Squashing her. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
Thanking her. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

Once A King, Always A King, But Once A Knight Is Enough!

Blowjob Etiquette

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.
Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
My ears are NOT handles.
Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls -if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette, watch TV...etc.... immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, etc....
When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

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