EXPAT JOKES > KIDS 1

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”

A little girl raised her hand during a biology lesson and asked if her grandmother could have a baby. The teacher was a bit surprised at the question but answered that the grandmother was too old to have babies. "So what about my mother?" asked the girl. The teacher said that it was possible, but that her mother was probably getting too old to be having babies as well. "Well, then could I have a baby?" she wanted to know. "Goodness no!" said the teacher, "you are much too young." "See!" said a voice from the back of the classroom, "I told YOU you didn't have anything to worry about."

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing. "Why are you crying?" asked the little boy. "I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl. When he heard this, the little boy started to cry. "Why are you crying?" asked the girl. The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

'Poo Bear'

Father Son Talk
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his five-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event.
The man thought to himself, "Great, he's five years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the
empty lot. The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a five pound note.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the clerk was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay packet at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".
"My goodness gracious", said the clerk, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?
"I will if those useless wankers at the timber yard ever bring us the fucking wood", replied the little girl.

The Mr Men

Leapfrog

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

I'd like to be in your pants                           
                                          Why?
Cause I think I've shit in mine                         

The infants went on a field trip to the local race track accompanied by their lady teachers.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with the 3rd year's teacher. And the 1st year's teacher took the boys and waited outside the men's bathroom.
One of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting all the little boys up by their armpits as they did their business.
Though not purposely, while lifting one little boy, she couldn't help but notice that he was particularly well endowed.
"I guess you must be in the third," she said.
"No ma'am," he said "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift."

Mum yells at me for sucking my thumb, and look what she's doing!

A father comes home and he wanders what his son is doing in the cellar. As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall. He says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock."
His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagon." His son quite naturally said, ``Sure why not.''
The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagon was. His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother."

No, Charlie Brown, that doesn't mean you're allergic to girls

A little girl and her mother were walking through the park one day when they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl said, "Mommy, what are they doing?"
The mother hesitated, then quickly replied, "Um, they're making cakes." The next day they were at a zoo and the little girl saw two monkeys having sex. Again she asked her mother, "What are they are doing?" Her mother replied with the same response: "Making cakes."
The next day the girl said to her mother, "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night."
Shocked, the mother asked, "How do you know?" She said, "Because I used the icing off the sofa for the cakes you've just eaten"

I've got 6 marbles       

         I've got 7 marbles

I've got 4 conkers     

        I've got 5 conkers

You haven't got one of these have you     

                        No

                     I've got one of these

....and with one of these I can get as many of those as I want

Love & Marriage - And then they grow up.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!"

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough money to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the Wedding."
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees me I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favour of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons is on television."
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
"If failing in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"One of you should know how to write a cheque, cos even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
"if you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, It doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food."
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire." They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire."

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You learn it right on the spot when the gushy feelings get the best of you."
"It might help to watch soap operas all day."

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it."

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
"Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love."
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th year class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. " Now, class. Observe the worms closely, " said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. " Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment? " the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded, " Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Of course you can't touch it, you allready broke yours off!!!

Answers To Science Tests

"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
"H20 is hot water, and C02 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other leg."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax the and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u."
"The tides fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum, I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal, The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Plant. A body of earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb, A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead, or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For head cold, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five pounds!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five pounds from. The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five pounds for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree. The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties." ''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl. The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten pounds. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten pounds from?" The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten pounds for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed." The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...'' Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today."

Judge to Mickey Mouse, "You cannot Divorce on the grounds of insanity!!"
Mickey Mouse "I said she was Fuckng Goofy"

A 12 year old boy comes home from school and walks into his parent's room. Mom and dad are in bed making love. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" His dad replies, "Playing poker. Now get out of here." He goes to his older sister's room to find his sister and her boyfriend in bed making love. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" His sister replies, "Playing poker. Now get out of here." He goes to his older brother's room and finds his brother masturbating. He asks his brother, "What are you doing?" His brother replies, "Playing poker." The boy asks, "I thought that it takes two to play poker." His brother replies, "Not if you have a good hand."

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