EXPAT JOKES > GENTLEMEN 2
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even
later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat
something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
DAMN, IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN
A man and woman are getting all snugly in bed.
The passion is heating up but then the lady stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The guy says "WHAT??"
The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
Then he realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on
three very expensive outfits.
She can't decide. He tells his woman to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.
The lady is so excited. She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care.
She goes for the tennis bracelet.
He says "you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."
The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
The woman's face goes blank.
He Continues-"I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode.
The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".
The five kinds of sex
The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
And the fifth kind is a Divorce Sex. This is where you get fucked in court.
Editors Note: what happened to plumber sex? where you stay in all day and nobody comes.
Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she had the previous night with this guy she took home. Well, what happened when you got there? Jill asked. The S.O.B. called me a slut! Mary said. What did you do then? Jill asked, shocked. I told him to get out of my bedroom and take his eight friends with him!
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs help to fill in her tax return. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, national insurance number, etc., and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
A guy pulls into a little town, and every hotel room is taken. He says to the last hotel clerk, "You've must have a room somewhere. Or just a bed, please, I'm really beat." The clerk says, "Well, I do have a double room with only one occupant, and I'm sure he'd be glad to split the cost. But he snores so loudly that the people in the adjoining rooms have been complaining all week." The guy says, "No problem, I'll take it." The next morning the guy comes down to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. The manager says, "How'd you sleep with him snoring?" The guy says, "I shut him up quick." The manager says, "How'd you do that?" The guy says, "He was already in bed snoring away when I came into the room. So I went over, gave him a big kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Good night, beautiful.' And he sat up and watched me all night."
The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads!
FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN:-
(the men are below)
Size 10 = Size 12 at least.
40-ish = 48
Adventurer = Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic = Flat-chested
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Bring your penicillin
Educated = College dropout
Emotionally Secure = Medicated
Feminist = Fat; ball buster
Free spirit = Substance user
Friendship first = Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun = Annoying
Gentle = Comatose
Good Listener = Borderline Autistic
New-Age = All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned = Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud
Passionate = Randy
Poet = Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional = Real Witch
Redhead = Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque = Grossly Fat
Romantic = Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Weight proportional to height = Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate = One step away from stalking
Widow = Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart = Toothless crone
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish = 52 and looking for a 25-yr-old
Athletic = Sits on the couch and watches Sky Sport
Average looking = Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated = Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit = Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first = As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun = Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking = Arrogant
Honest = Pathological Liar
Huggable = Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle = Insecure, overly dependent
Mature = Until you get to know him
Open-minded = Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit = I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet = Has written on a toilet wall
Spiritual = Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable = Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful = Says "Please" when demanding a beer
A traveling salesman's car breaks down on a deserted road, and he seeks refuge from the evening storm at a nearby farmhouse.
The farmer, being a kindly soul, says to the man that he can spend the night and they'll sort his car out in the morning.
"There's only one small problem," says the farmer, "We don't have much room, so y'all will have to either sleep on the couch, or share the spare bedroom with Baby."
Thoughts of middle-of-the-night crying, early-morning nappy changing and all those other unpleasant things that come with sharing a room with a strange baby spring to mind, so the salesman agrees to
sleep on the couch.
The next morning, he walks into the kitchen in the hopes of scoring some breakfast, and he sees this absolutely stunning, blonde, tits like melons and legs that went right up to her neck, she was busy
making coffee and dressed in just a silk negligee,
She turns around when he walks in and coos: "Hi, I'm Baby, who are you?"
He replies: "I'm the stupid fucker who just spent the whole of last night alone on the couch!!"
The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor: "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the
entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm. She will answer, 'I'm the Egg. From that moment on you will
work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!"
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears
the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball.
When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says "Hi, I'm a sperm."
The red sticky ball smiles and says "Hi. I'm a tonsil."
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
(That was the 2002 joke of the year, according to the British Association for the Advancement of Science )
THE FART SOUNDS FILE
THE COMMON FART is the fart heard most often. It is a very close relative of the "Ripper," but is released with less force. It is usually heard in groups where people aren't yet comfortable with farting amongst each other. Therefore, one person in the group gets up some nerve and releases this common-sounding fart in such a manner that everyone now feels comfortable with group flatulence.. Usually there is no smell with the Common Fart.
THE ANXIOUS FART is let in a place where someone does not want the fart to be heard. You may have seen men and women in book stores or grocery stores, or even on the street, letting these farts. They are generally controlled, usually barely audible, and require much skill to master.
THE COUGHING FART is one that the farter tries to cover up with a cough. My dad used to let these farts all the time when he worked at the Bingo Hall. He would stand at the back of the hall and cough, just as a nice "common fart" was let. It can be embarrassing for the farter, and those around the farter, if the timing is off at all, or if the fart is longer than anticipated.
THE WET FART is one that sounds quite juicy. Quite often this fart is cause for alarm, and an indication that a trip to the toilet is imminent.
THE BLOWER FART is similar to the ripper, except it has a bit of a hollow, windy sound to it. This is due to farter blowing all the gas out quickly. This fart will almost always get a laugh.
TIGHT BUN FART is always recognisable. It sounds like the farter's buns were so tight that he/she was in pain while farting.
THE RIPPER FART is one of the best farts around is The Ripper. It is loud, rough, and always raises an eyebrow or two. Characteristics of The Ripper often show up in other farts, but make no mistake - this fart is a single, powerful gas-bubble that comes screaming from the farter's butt.
Imagine if all major retailers started producing condoms.........
Tesco Condoms: every little helps
Sainsbury Condoms: making life taste better
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms: The ride of your life.
Galaxy Condoms: Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms: Finger, Licking good.
Minstrals Condoms: melt in your mouth , not in your hands.
Safeway condoms: Lightening the load..
Abbey national condoms: because life is complicated enough.
Coca cola condoms: The real thing.
Ever ready condoms: keep going and going.
Macintosh condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple
Pringles condoms: once you pop, you cant stop
Burger king condoms: Home of the whopper
Goodyear condoms: " for a longer ride go wide "
FCUK condoms: no comment required.
Muller light condoms: so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
Flash condoms: Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work.
Halfords condoms: we go the extra mile.
On digital condoms: plug and play !!!!
Royal mail condoms: I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms: Soft, strong and very very long.
Renault condoms: size really does matter!
A guy is on a business trip in Houston and buys a really cool pair of snakeskin boots. He can’t wait to show his new boots to his wife. Upon returning from his trip late the next evening,
his wife is in the bathroom getting ready for bed. He quickly strips down naked except for his new snakeskin boots and stands in the bedroom to wait for her.
As the wife emerges from the bathroom her husband asks, "Well honey, do you notice anything special?" to which the wife replies" Yeah, it’s limp!" "It’s not limp!"
exclaims the husband. " It’s admiring my new snakeskin boots!" "Next time buy a hat."
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently "widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow
he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Well... she just died and left me everything in her estate."
A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but the customer decides to let it go.
"Would you like anything else?" the waiter inquires. "We have some very good beef stew today."
"Sounds good," says the customer. So the waiter goes off and comes back with a plate of stew, and his thumb is in the stew. The customer is getting angry now, but decides to hold his tongue.
"How about some hot apple pie?" asks the waiter.
"Fine," says the customer. The waiter returns with his thumb stuck in the pie. Now the customer is really getting furious.
"Coffee?" asks the waiter, and when the customer nods yes, he hurries off. He returns with his thumb stuck in the cup of coffee. By now the customer can no longer restrain himself.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? Every time you've come to the table you've had your thumb stuck in my food!"
"I've got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot, moist place."
"Why don't you just stick it up your ass?"
"Where do you think I put it when I'm in the kitchen?"