EXPAT JOKES > GENTLEMEN 1

ONE LINERS....

• What are three words you dread the most while making love? "Honey, I'm home."
• What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Cough, gag, choke, etc.
• What do Kodak and condoms have in common? They both capture the moment.
• What is the definition of confidence? When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the arse and say "you're next".
• What's the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with the light on.
• What's the difference between a pink penis and a purple penis? The woman's grip!'
• A man walked into a shoe store and flopped his dick on the counter. The sales lady said, "That's not a foot!" The man replied, "No, but it's a good ten inches."

SEX

• What two things in the air can make a girl pregnant? Her legs.
• What's the definition of gross? When you open the refrigerator door and you jump your roast
• What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her old, used crack and resell it!
• What's the difference between a pervert and a kinky person? A pervert uses a feather and a kinky person uses the whole chicken.
• Why is pubic hair curly? If it were straight, it would poke your eyes out.
• What's the best thing to come out of a dick? The wrinkles.
• What is better than 4 roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ.
• How can you tell if you've been fucking your girl too much? Stick your thumb in her asshole and your middle finger in her snatch, if you hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little.
• What is red and has 7 dents? Snow White's cherry.

Have You Seen My Super Glue? It's In An Old Vaseline Jar.

REPAID IN FULL

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers.
"Hi is Tony home?"
"No he's gone shopping."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No come on in"
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred pounds if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred quid.
She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws two £50 notes on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another £100 if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another five £20 notes on the table, then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 quid I lent him last week?"

POSTMAN'S KNOCK

It was the postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big food hamper.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine liqueurs. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific collectable coins. At the fourth house a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee met him at the door.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, closed it behind him, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced.

When they were done they met downstairs. There she fixed him a giant breakfast with eggs, bacon, sausage, mushrooms, tomatoes, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming hot tea. As she was pouring, he noticed a five-pound note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "Fuck him. Give him a fiver." The lady added, "The breakfast was my idea."

Collector of Taxes
Income Tax - Pay As You Earn
Inland Revenue Accounts Office (Shipley)
Bradford
West Yorkshire
BD98 8AA

22 June 1998

To: All male taxpayers

From: Inland Revenue

Subject: Increased tax payments

Dear Mr .....................

The only thing the Inland Revenue has not taxed is your willy. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is employed but operates in total darkness. Furthermore, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Accordingly. after July 1st 1987 your willy will be taxed based on its size using the 'Willy Checker Scale' below.

Determine your category and insert the additional tax under 'Other Taxes'

Part V, line 61

Willy Checker Scale

10-12 inches Luxury Tax. £50.00
8-9 inches Pole Tax £25.00
6-7 inches Privilege Tax £15.00
4-5 inches Nuisance Tax £5.00

Note Anyone under four inches is eligible for a refund. Do not apply for an extension. Males with willies in excess of twelve inches should file under. "Capital Gains"

Very. truly yours

Rubin J Cutchepecker

H M Inspector of taxes

"FUCK"

Describes many emotions, no other word can be used in such varied grammatical nuances. It can be used as a noun, (I don't give a fuck), as an adjective, (its a fucking beauty) as a verb in its transitive form (the game was fucked by the weather) and the intransitive form (he well and truly fucked up).

Everyday expressions show its true versatility.:

• Denial I'll be fucked if he did!
• Perplexity I know fuck all about it!
• Apathy Who gives a fuck anyway?
• Greeting How the fuck are you?
• Resignation Oh fuck it!
• Derision he fucks everything up!
• Panic Let's get the fuck out of here!
• Suspicion Who the fuck are you?
• Directions Fuck off!

The word has, of course, been used by some very famous people through the years, the more notable of them being:-

• "Scattered fucking  showers...my ass!" - Noah 4314 BC
• "How the fuck did you work that one out?" Pythagoras 126 BC
• "Watch him he'll have some fuckers eye out" King Harold 1066
• "I don’t suppose it’s gonna fucking  rain." - Joan of ARC 1434
• "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo 1566
• "Heads are going to fucking roll" Anne Boleyn
• "Look at all those fucking Indians" General Custer 1877
• "Where's all that fucking water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic 1912
• "The fucking throttle's stuck" Donald Campbell 1967
• "It fucking looks like her" Picasso 1926
• "Any fucker can understand that" Einstein 1938
• "What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima 1945
• "Why? Because it's fucking there!" Edmund Hillary 1953
• "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in the head!" JFK 1963
• "He's just shot my fucking dog" Jeremy Thorpe 1976
• "That's not a real fucking gun" John Lennon 1980
• "I'm outside the fucking exclusion zone" Captain of the General Belgrano 1982
• "Tapes, what fucking tapes?" President Nixon
• "Who let that fucking woman drive" Space Shuttle Captain
• "I thought I could smell some fucking petrol" Nikki Lauda
• "What do you fucking mean? I'm forever blowing bubbles. Michael Jackson
• "Aw c’mon, who the fuck  is going to find out? - Bill Clinton 1997
• "It was only a fucking blow job!" Bill Clinton 1997

Now don't get nervous darling

The way to success...

Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds.
After climbing to the first cloud he met a stinky, unattractive woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Jack chose to climb the ladder.
At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Figuring it only gets better, Jack chose to climb the ladder some more.
At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Things were getting better the higher he got, so Jack chose to climb the ladder even more.
At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace the universe. She looked at him seductively and begged, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Jack was extremely tempted to satisfy his urges but still, he climbed that ladder to success.
At the fifth cloud, Jack was startled when a greasy, 500lb. naked man with A pimply penis grabbed him. Jack asked, "Who are you?" To which he replied, "I'm Cess".

Hot Tips for 98

1. Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
2. An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
3. Avoid being stung by nettles in the garden this year by smearing their leaves with Immac cream.
4. Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender, with the simple inscription "Same to you".
5. Why pay £100 for a skip? Buy a clapped out, untaxed car for £25 and fill it with all your shite. Then sit back and wait for the authorities to tow it away.
6. Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.
7. GENTLEMAN. Gauge the outside temperature using a 'plumometer'. Open your flies and dangling your plums in front of an open letterbox. If they shrink it is cold outside, if they go baggy it is warm, and if they remain the same size it is the same temperature outside as it is in the house.
8. Farts stored in a washing up liquid bottle can be ignited and used as an underwater welding torch for those tricky but essential emergency plug chain repairs.
9. MICRA DRIVERS. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like sodding dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
10. Adventurous lovers. Sprinkle talcum powder on each other's rings, then lie on the floor and fart up in the air to send each other sexy 'bum-smoke signals' across the bedroom.
11. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
12. ANGLERS. Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and 'fish' for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.
13. Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

Eight Things that Piss me-off

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is! Where the fuck is yours?! Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?!
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a cake if you can't eat it?! What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?!
4. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a movie, "Did you see that?" No - I paid £5.50p to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
6. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya?
7. When something is, "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

Be Flexible!

A Woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor apartment when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "God, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you give head?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw! I'll do any and everything you sexually desire!!" she screamed in panic.
The man replied, "Slut," and dropped her.

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