EXPAT JOKES > EXPATRIATES

ONE LINERS

• A British visitor was stopped by customs at Melbourne airport was asked if he had a criminal record, and replied that he didn’t realise you still had to have one to get in!
• Overheard at a dinner in Borneo, "I don't like the chief of the Gora Gora tribe!"  "Well just eat the vegetables"
• Why do they call camels the ships of the desert? Because they're full of Arab semen!
• What do you call a gay Red Indian? A brave fucker"
• Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq? They don't want to wear out the camel.
• What is an Italian virgin? A girl who can run faster than her brothers!

Foreign Food
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
The French and Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
Conclusion:
Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

'But doctor,' protested the expat, 'it's impossible for my wife to be pregnant. I've been working in Saudi Arabia for the last year - I haven't been back home in all that time.'
'I'm sorry,' said the doctor, 'but that's what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy.'
'What' that?'
'I'm afraid that someone had it in for you,'

A young man fed up with the material world goes to join a Tibetan monastery, one morning after he had been at the monastery for two years the head monk came up to him and told him that now he had been with the order for two years he could go up the mountain to feed the yaks, he said if this was part of his duties he would do it.
The next morning he was about to set off up the mountain with the food for the yaks an old arse of the order told him what a lucky bastard he was.
"How do you work that out?", said the young man.
"Well how long is it since you had a bit of the other? Up in the mountains the yak's are the nearest you'll get to a woman"
The young man got his meaning and set off. About three weeks later the young man returned to the others in the monastery, when the head monk ask him how the yak's were he smiled but said nothing when the head monk asked him if he had fed all the yak's he told him he had forgotten to feed them.
The head monk burst out "YOU YOUNG FELLA'S ARE ALL THE SAME, FUCK YOU YAK I'M ALRIGHT!"

Five expats are in Pataya, they see a sign that says "Expats Bar," they go in and order their drinks. The bartender  serves them and says, "That will be 4 Bhat (10p)."
They can't believe their good luck. They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, "That will be 4 Bhat," This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, "How can you afford to serve beer so cheap?" The bartender replies, "I guess you've seen the decor here. Well, I am a retired expat and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I won the lottery for £15 million and decided to open this place for real expats. Every drink costs 4 Bhat - wine, spirits, beer all the same."
They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven't ordered anything. They ask, "What's with them?"
The bartender says "Oh, they work for *********; they're waiting for happy hour."

A poor beggar is sitting by the side of the road. President Daniel Arap Moi’s gleaming motorcade sweeps past. Soon afterwards, a plump and ragged man runs sweating by, clutching an obviously stolen goat under his arm. A minute later, two policemen come rushing up in pursuit. “Did you see a fat thief come this way?” they ask. “Yes,” replies the beggar, “But you’ll never catch him on foot.”

A man has been working at a logging camp for almost six months and he's just about climbing the walls, he's so horny. He goes into the nearest town and asks the landlord, "What would I do if I wanted sex around here?"
"There isn't no women for miles, if your serious there's the Chinese cook."
"I'm not that sort of bloke!" said the lumberjack, and left.
Two weeks later he was back, and after sidling up to the landlord, he said "Just supposing I went with the Chinese cook, how many would have to know about it?"
Landlord said "Well there's me, you, him, that's seven all told, we need four to hold him down he's not that sort of bloke either!!"

John, who was a rather well-hung expat, spent his rest days sunbathing on the roof of his hotel. He wore  bathing trunks the first time, but on the second, he decided that no one could see him way up there, and he slipped out of it for an overall tan. He'd hardly begun when he heard someone running up the stairs. He was lying on his stomach, so she just pulled a towel over his rear.
"Excuse me, sir," said the flustered hotel manager, "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" John asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight

SAUDI HIGHWAY CODE

1. Never pull into a continuous stream of traffic with your eyes open.
2. Slow vehicles should keep to the middle of the road and weave.
3. Fast vehicles should stay in the slow lane or on the sidewalk.
4. If you are coming from a side road onto the main road, you have the right of way. Do not slow down unless you roll over or hit something.
5. Hand signals should primarily indicate the driver’s mood.
6. Only stop at a red light if the car in front has stopped
7. At a crossroad when turning left, get into the right hand lane.
8. At a crossroad when turning right get into the left-hand lane.
9. If a taxi hits you, you are going too slow.
10. If a police car hits you, you are driving recklessly.
11. If you hit a Saudi it's your fault.
12. If you hit a Korean its his fault.
13. If you hit a Yemeni go to the nearest police station and claim your prize.
14. Do not enter spaces narrower than the width of the car, or a taxi narrower than the width of the passenger.
15. It is a serious offence to drive when the horn is not working,
16. The horn operation must be checked at least every 10 metres.
17. You may also be required to have brakes.
18. Dual carriageways are for driving in both directions, whichever side you are on.
19. Do not park on the central reservation, this is reserved for Saudis whose cars are attached to lampposts.
20. The internal mirror is for the use of the driver only - to comb his hair, fix his gutra or hang his animals from.
21. If you are a foreigner, speed limit signs are in km/h
22. If you are a native speed limit signs are in m.p.h.
23. All drivers must comply with the speed limit or some multiple thereof.

How long have you been away?

To whom it may concern,

You are hereby warned of the forthcoming return of ___________________ to the United Kingdom in the month of ___________________.

He will be dehydrated, demoralised, somewhat darker in colour and suffering from withdrawal symptoms. Do not be alarmed, remember the rude environment that has been his miserable lot for the past _________________________.

We ask you, therefore, to read and remember the following: submitted for your guidance, but without prejudice.

DO'S
When he arrives in the United Kingdom, send someone to meet him. In the interests of public decency, this must be undertaken by a male member of the household and someone capable of holding up a slightly inebriated male adult.

Lock up all females between ages of 9 and 90. Fill a cupboard with his favourite beer / spirit / wine. NOTE: serve chilled or with ice. Gain his confidence by assuring him it is "fourth run" if he does not recognise the colour, smell or taste.

Warn all non-whites in the area not to make any sudden moves in his presence.

Purchase an Arabic / English phrase book. With this you should be able to engage him in conversation in a very short time.

DON'T
Do not mention any of the following in his presence:

Saudi Arabia, work permits, visas, Mercedes tippers, lovely sunshine, security, desert, haircuts, Gulf wars, government relations, sand, holidays by the sea, rates of exchange, tinned tuna, Aramco, Saudia Airways, driving standards and taxi drivers.

Do not feed mutton, chicken, stew, beans, tinned peas or Pepsi cola.

Do not be alarmed if: -
He reads old newspapers, screams with delight when it rains or he is given such rarities as pork or bacon, mumbles "kaaf haalic" to everyone he meets. Upon hearing a car horn, yells "get knotted bloody rag head", (this is an Arabic courtesy expression, loosely translated as "after you sir"), or snarls "imshee maffish" to any children who approach him, He walks around the house in nothing but a small towel singing "I'm gonna wash that sand right outta my hair".

GENERAL
Until you feel he is his old self again (should that ever happen), do not let him out on his own. When shopping, if he bargains with local traders, apologise to them, explain that he meant well, comfort him and lead him from the shop. If he should appear to go berserk because there is dust, especially sand, on the floor, or because his bed has not been remade by 7.30 am (the time he has usually been returning to it) the best plan is to dress up the smallest member of the family (male) in a dirty towel, smear boot polish on him, and send him running at a fast amble to the returnee shouting "coming sadiq".

He will probably be frightened of seeing the following:-
Yellow taxis, low flying Toyotas, trees, pork pies, pubs and especially women. Be patient and try to explain their uses. Try not to let him catch you making tea with water from the cold tap as this may bring on a psychosomatic recurrence of the ailment known as "Faisels revenge" or "the trots". If this should happen, ensure that the bathroom door is ajar and swings easily on its hinges and that the bathroom is unoccupied at all times. Should no downstairs toilet be available, in the interests of hygiene, it is advisable too keep the stairway clear of objects such as marbles, toys with wheels, kids, etc.

When you see him stub three quarters of a cigarette in an ashtray, remind him of the price and tell him in Saudi Riyals. While motoring, if you allow him to drive, do not be upset if he continually hits you on your right ear, he is only showing his intention of turning left. Each time the vehicle moves from stationary pretend to look underneath and then assure him there are no sleeping Saudi's under the back axle. If the journey is in excess of 5 miles, tell him you have filled your dustbin with fresh water and placed it in the boot.

Bear in mind that underneath that rugged tan there beats a heart of gold. Treat him with kindness and tolerance and you may be able to rehabilitate the hollow shell of the happy man you once knew.

This handout has been prepared for your guidance by:
THE MIDDLE EASTERN AGENCY FOR THE RESETTLEMENT OF EXPATRIATES

But Fred, You’ve Only Been Away For Two Weeks!

ABDUL & MUSTAFFA'S JOKES PAGE

Abdul: "What do you call a Teesider with an IQ of two?"
Mustaffa: "A f***ing genius"

Abdul: "What’s the difference between a Teesider with blue eyes and one with brown eyes?"
Mustaffa: "One’s only half full of s**t"

Mustaffa: "What do you call a Teesider that knows nothing?"
Abdul: "Above average"

Abdul: "Do you know you can always tell a Teesider?"
Mustaffa: "Yes but you cant tell him much"

Abdul: "Why are there so many Teesiders over here?"
Mustaffa: "Because Teesside is such a s**t hole"

Abdul: "What’s the difference between a Teesider and a bucket of s**t?"
Mustaffa: "The bucket, it’s useful!"

Mustaffa: "How do you brainwash a Teesider?"
Abdul: "Give him an enema!"

Mustaffa: "What do you call a Teesider with a car on his head?"
Abdul: "Jack"

Abdul: "Did you hear about the Teesider who went to a wife swapping party?"
Mustaffa: "Yes he came back with a Arab crap house, because he wanted something with a smaller, better smelling hole"

Abdul: "Why are there no porno photographers from Teesside?"
Mustaffa: "‘Cos they hold the camera backwards to take pictures of c**ts"

Mustaffa: "When is the best time to sell land to Teesiders?"
Abdul: "When the tide is out"

Abdul: "What is the difference between a Teesside genius and an Arab idiot?"
Mustaffa: "I don't know, I can't think of any"
Abdul: "correct!"

How many times have I told you? Don't shit outdoors!

LARGE SCALE OUTBREAK OF TEXANITUS HITS SAUDI ARABIA

During the last 30 years there have occasional outbreaks of Texanitus, but this last one appears to have reached epidemic proportions. Consequently the Health Department consider it necessary to ease the panic that is sweeping the country by issuing this advice.

Texanitus can be divided into two forms:

1. Acute
2. Chronic

Acute Texanitus is the mild form of the disease and can usually be cured by a complete rest for 5 years with the Gorra Gorra Tribe in the Amazon rain forest. Children who catch acute Texanitus usually end up as chronic cases as the disease appears to be hereditary. Some children do seem to have a natural resistance but unfortunately they seem very rare.

Chronic sufferers can sometimes be recognised by large hats that they wear to hide their enormously swollen heads. Likewise others wear large boots or belt buckles to compensate for their thin legs and distended stomachs. Other symptoms include shouts of YIPEEEE or GODAMIT, which just shows how painful this disease can be in the terminal stages.

WARNING :

Never corner chronic sufferers in a confined space and ask them questions, as most sufferers tend to spray bullshit in all directions. Whether this bullshit is contagious we not yet know, so take precautions.

As a safeguard we are giving anti Texanitus shots to anyone that wants one, so if you are worried go along to your nearest clinic and get one.

Yours truly

Mustaffa Phart

Aramco Surgeon General

A Texan Guide To Life

1. Don't squat with your spurs on.
2. Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
6. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
7. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
8. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
9. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
10. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
11. Always drink upstream from the herd.
12. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
13. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

To be a tourist you must:-
Never have worked abroad before,
Wear an "I’ve been to Saudi" tee shirt,
Look up airline timetables every day,
Send cassettes home of your voice,
Send home photos of yourself,
Listen in awe to "when I" stories, i.e. "when I was in South Africa...."
Write and receive letters every day,
Mark off how many days to go on a calendar,
Try to change your leave schedule,
Buy ethnic gifts, i.e. Gutras, puzzle rings, etc.
Worry about tax,
Ask every day if the mail has arrived,
Be unable to put down a brew,
Eat egg, beans and chips every night,
Get sunburn and be ill for a week
Throw up after the first drink
Get on the bosses nerves
Prang a company car
Complain about the lack of bog paper
Fail to return after the first trip
Analyse every word of the contract at least twice
Arrive at airport with more than one suitcase, 6 hours early
Wear Polaroid "lookers" sunglasses
Wear company cap
Spend all your allowance before the end of the month

To be an expat you must:-
Have worked in at least three different hemispheres
Flown on at least 10 different airlines
Use a small holdall for your entire luggage
Be bored with air travel
Know everyone who's ever been contracting for the last 10 years
Wear an imitation Rolex watch
Never be seen in an "I’ve been to Saudi" tee shirt
Get on well with the boss
Take a tourist under your wing
Always try to fiddle the expenses
Lay down a brew on the first day
Get pissed on the first night - somehow
Reminisce over "the good old days of contracting"
Have a mega-tan
Have a negligible bank account
Have an understanding wife/divorce
Have a £100,000 house
Have a wallet full of credit cards, car hire cards, etc.
Been blown up at least once
Wear ray ban sunglasses - permanently
Arrive at airport after "last call" announced
Enter airport pissed - both ways
Have a 90 page passport
Have the taxman chasing you

"If the bottom has dropped out of your world, then try our wines, and let the world drop out of your bottom!"

Chateau Safaniya Produced in the northern region

Vintage 1955 Bottled at exactly five to eight

Paul (Perry) Mason Makes anyone legless

Cherry B The 'B' stands for bastard!

Liquid Enema Who needs friends, with enemas like that

Riyadh Red A cheeky little wine, fit for a King??

Rocket fuel A lively little number, out of this world.

Cripple Cock Lives up to its name!

Swimming in Paris Makes you In-seine

Arabian Dew An extremely dry, obnoxious bastard

Red Viper A hell of a bite, with a low survival rate

Pipeline Rose Goes in one end, and out the other, (virtually unchanged)

Sadiki sunrise In the morning everything is rosy through bloodshot eyes

Tanajib Tonic Guaranteed to get you going, (one way or another)

Note: All the above wines have been passed by the Management.

(Noted in one of the better Saudi wine bars)

A sex-starved expat was feeling the sexual urge again, and asked a passing Bedouin the best way to relieve himself. "My brothers usually take this camel" was his reply. Muttering, "when in Rome.." and slightly embarrassed, he quietly approached the camel from behind, lifted its tail, and started pumping away, just as he was about to loose control, the Bedouin approached and explained that his brothers usually took the camel to the local whorehouse.

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
"Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."
"But I made him pay me 20 guilder for each week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."
"What is it son."
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

After a long journey in the desert, two Arabs arrive at a small town. The get off their camels and go off in search of a well needed drink of water. They walk into the local market and ask one of the stall holders if they could buy some water "I'm sorry, I have no water but I can sell you some lovely refreshing jelly and custard". "Jelly and custard? No, we want some water, thanks anyway". The two walk to the next stall and ask the stall holder if they can buy some water. Once again they are told that there is no water but they could buy some jelly and custard, again they refuse and go to the next stall. The same thing happens here and at the next five stalls. Eventually the two Arabs give up and decide to make the journey to the next town where they know there is a public well where water is plentiful and free. As they leave the town one Arab turns to the other and says "Don't you find it odd that all of those stalls only sold jelly and custard?" "Yes" replied the other "It was a trifle bazaar"

Have you checked your change recently?

ORGANISATION CHARTS

Traditional


American


Chinese


Indian


South African


Arab

Dear Sirs,

It was brought to the attention of the Safety Department earlier today, that a toxic and an explosive environment was existent, within the confines of the Commissioning Office. On further investigation by the Safety Officer, by means of a Gas Detection Test, it was found that the toxicity and the explosive levels far exceeded the legal requirements for a safe working environment.

It must be brought to the attention of all concerned that the consumption of Curry and Beans, be kept to a minimum, personnel who refrain from this directive, must then apply for a Gas Pass (Pharting Permit), failure to comply with this permit system will ultimately lead to company disciplinary action being taken

Your assistance in this matter, to curtail any breach of this very important issue, is greatly appreciated.

Why I feel Superior to Foreigners
Shamelessly stolen from the Cairo Hash Mag. 1997, who stole it from Punch, 6 August 1980

• I don't stand on the left on the Underground escalators carrying metal bedsteads on my back.
• I know how to write the number "seven".
• I don't burn down Embassies on theological grounds. (I don't even char Embassies.)
• I don't engage in ritual stoning of over-frisky neighbours
• My newspapers don't devote their front pages for days and days to a single bicycle race.
• I don't find my wallet filled with dirty, little notes. often torn and repaired with surgical tape.
• I am not expected to skate to appointments.
• I don't eat cheese at breakfast nor do I spread marmalade on bacon.
• My street does not get frequently renamed, often after a date.
• Poisoning plays little if any part in British politics neither does witchcraft
• Nobody tries to sell me rugs on trains, nor do half the passengers ride on the roof.
• Newspapers and magazines do not arrive with bits cut out.
• When I enter a pub, I do not have to look for a table to hide under when the shooting starts.
• If I move, I don't find that as soon as my furniture arrives, my new home fills up with local matrons bearing apple-pie, bride-cake and grits. Nor am I expected to take my place in community politics that very day.
• In my country, the railway timetable is generally right, not to the day but to the hour (?)
• I don't eat birds nests, snails, snakes, sea-slugs or pemmican.
• I do not find my herbaceous border suddenly covered by two feet of volcanic dust.
• In my bath, I do not require the assistance of unpersonable females.
• I don't have to marry knowing the girl's dowry but not her face.
• I am not a woken by coyotes, laughing hyenas, tree frogs or muezzin.
• I do not have to ask myself whether a man with feathers in his hat is a forester, a Customs official or some rural breed of policeman. My fellow countrymen do not wear feathers in their hats.
• I do not have to eat Christmas pudding in high summer. (This makes me feel superior even to Australians, whom many people do not regard as foreigners at all.)
• My country rarely changes its name.
• I am not expected to display manhood by permitting myself to be chased along thoroughfares by fighting bulls, wrestling with giant squids or having my face slashed open by duellists.
• I know, admittedly only from hearsay, that trying to bribe British judge will get you nowhere, except to jail.
• I live in a country where ex-Prime Ministers appear live on television
• I do not have to stand in public squares listening to four-hour harangues by newly created field marshals drunk with the novel delights of politics.
• Taxi drivers do not share with me their views on baseball
• In driving through British towns, I do not have to avoid sacred cows wearing daisy chains, rampaging elephants, trigger-happy students or potholes deep enough to take a double-decker bus.

The Tee-shirts - Nice 'n Sleazy Agogo, Soi Yamato, Pattaya

Our first tee shirt of "The 10 most common Thai sayings and their English meanings" was so popular, that we have a second version, "10 more common Thai sayings and their English meanings". Come, see and buy one or two. Available in black and white in most sizes. Only 250 baht.

"THE 10 MOST COMMON THAI SAYINGS AND THEIR ENGLISH MEANINGS"
Hello sexy man = (pay my bar fine)
How long you stay Thailand = (how much money can I get out of you)
I only work here 1 week = (I am a lying bitch )
I love you long time = (I will love you until your money runs out)
You happy I happy = (I'm happy if you pay)
I send money to my mama = (I give money to my Thai boyfriend)
I miss you when you go = (I miss your money when you go)
When you come back Thailand = (when can I get some more money out of you)
I wait for you come back Thailand = (I wait for my next bar fine)

"10 MORE COMMON THAI SAYINGS AND THEIR ENGLISH MEANINGS"
My friend have gold too much = (when are you going to buy me some)
Can you give me money for doctor = (tonight I play cards)
Want to come my village = (my sister needs a new roof)
Tomorrow I go Bangkok = (someone else pay my bar fine already)
Today my birthday = (I was born on a Monday, today is Monday)
Where you stay, I go with you no bar fine = (it's 3 a.m. and I'm skint)
I will write to you = (my bank details are)
2 drinks and I'm drunk = (when we go hotel I sleep)
You go fishing alone, sea make me sick = (good! I'll do some short times)
That man not good heart = (he only gave me 500 baht last time)

Copyright 1998: Nice & Sleazy, Soi Yamato, Pattaya, Thailand

THE EGYPTIAN WORK WEEK

SATURDAY


SUNDAY

DON’T SPEAK TO ME!

MONDAY

GOD, GET ME THROUGH THE DAY!

TUESDAY


PLEASE LET ME DIE!

WEDNESDAY

LIFE SLOWLY SEEPS INTO MY BOD

THURSDAY

ANTICIPATION

FRIDAY

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!" Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He came to the station and shouted, "Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman .........naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."
"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:
"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is zis young couple naked 'aving sex "
To which Pierre replied,"Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."
Jean, still out of breath, gasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is English"

Only in America

• Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
• Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front..
• Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
• Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
• Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
• Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
• Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
• Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

So your wife didn't believe that "one year contract in Thailand with no leave" story, Fred?

Richard Attenborough has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.
The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."
The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"
"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"
"I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"
"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."
"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"
"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."
"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."
"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.
You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.
Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head Northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."
So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.
He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.
True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.
The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.
When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.
Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.
Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.
"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."
"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"
"Not 'til next year."
"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"
"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."
The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilisation and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.
Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.
They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.
Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.
Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon. "The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"
The chief recognises him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.
Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.
A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"
"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."
The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.
The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the moment himself. This is it. He now realises beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,
He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about"

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago. So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favourite TV shows.
He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.
Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's private. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough.
She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."
Now that's a Dear John letter

THE NEW ENGLISH !!

The European Commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, as opposed to German, which was the other possibility.

During negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EurEnglish (Eurin for short). The details follow:

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c" ' Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "C" will be replased with "k", klearing up konfusion, and typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph " will be replased by "f" This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In year three, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible,  Governments will encourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in th languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By th fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th " by "z", and "w" wiz "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be droped from vords Containing "ou". and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl Zer vil be no mor trubls or diftkultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru

(Extracts from)

Scotland for Beginners.

(Bannockburn, an' a' that)

Chapter One:. ARRIVAL IN SCOTLAND:

A FEW SIMPLE DO'S AND DON'TS

Crossing the Border from England can be a lengthy and trying process. Visitors are strongly advised to make preparations where possible in advance of their journey-, in order to cut down on delays at border check-points.

Simple measures that can be taken at any time of year include the pre-stamping of passports or temporary visas (just pop into your local Passport Office or Scottish Embassy), the exchange of appropriate currency through your bank (Scottish Poonds are usually available straight across the counter), the, purchase of a phrase,-book and basic groceries and. of course, the addition of snow-chains to the wheels of your car advisable though not yet obligatory in most parts of Scotland

Once you have passed the quick medical check-up and got over the more rigorous written exam imposed by the Scottish Tourist Board, you will be safely through the border-controls and free to continue your journey north keeping a watchful eye out from this moment on for Arctic Hare, Golden Eagles and Red Deer by the roadside.

N.B. Don't forget that in Scotland You always drive, in the MIDDLE of the road.

Chapter Sixteen:. HELPFUL INFORMATION

TOURIST FACILITIES: KEY TO SYMBOLS



CONVERSION CHARTS
SCOTTISH = ENGLISH

Distances:
1 mile = 4¾ miles (7.64275 km)
no far = several miles
a wee way = several more miles

Liquids
A dram = ¼ pint (14.2057 cl)
A wee drap = ½ pint (28.4115 cl)

Currency:

1 poond = 98.37 pence

In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian John Cleese explained three reasons why the British are superior to Americans:

• They speak English.
• When they host a world championship they invite other countries.
• Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee.

MENU : NEXT