EXPAT JOKES > ENGINEERING
The Engineers and the Lawyers
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the
station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his
restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
ENGINEERING VOCABULARY
A CLARIFICATION
- To confuse the situation with facts.<
A CONFERENCE
- Organised confusion during coffee breeak.
A MEETING
- Coffee break.
A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
- We are still pissing in the wind.
A PROGRAM
- Any assignment that cannot be completted by one telephone call.
ALL NEW
- Parts not interchangeable with the prrevious design.
CHANNEL
- The trail of inter office memos.
CLOSE PROJECT CO-ORDINATION
- We know who to blame.
CONSULTANT (OR EXPERT)
- Any ordinary guy more than 50 miles ffrom home.
CO-ORDINATOR
- The guy with a desk between two expedditers.
CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS ASSURED
- We are so far behind schedule the cusstomer is happy to get it delivered.
ENERGY SAVING
- Achieved when the power switch is offf.
EXPEDITE
- To confound confusion with commotion..
EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
- We just hired three kids fresh out off college.
GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
- We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
- I can't wait to hear this bull!
INFORMED SOURCE
- The guy who told the guy you just mett.
IT IS IN THE PROCESS
- It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
LET'S GET TOGETHER ON THIS
I'm assuming you are as confused as I am.
LIGHTWEIGHT
- Lighter than RUGGED.
LOW MAINTENANCE
- Impossible to fix if broken.
MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
- It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.<
PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
- Let's spread the responsibility for tthe screw up.
PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
RE ORIENTATION
- Two weeks after vacation.
RELIABLE SOURCE
- The guy you just met.
RUGGED
- Too damn heavy to lift!
SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
- Come into my office, I'm lonely.
TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
- We are so surprised that the stupid tthing works.
THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
- The only person who understood the thhing quit.
TO ACTIVATE
- Add more names to the memo.
TO GIVE SOMEONE THE PICTURE
A long confused and inaccurate statement to a newcomer.
TO IMPLEMENT A PROGRAM
- Increase overheads.
TO NEGOTIATE
- Meeting of minds without knocking toggether of heads.
UNDER ACTIVE CONSIDERATION
- We are looking in the files for it./p>
UNDER CONSIDERATION
- Never heard of it.
UNIMPEACHABLE SOURCE
- The guy who started the rumour.
WE ARE MAKING A SURVEY
- We need more time to think of a answeer
WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
- Forget it! We have enough problems foor now.
WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
- We hope you will forget it too.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
- One finally worked.
Sometimes a modification results in unforeseen consequences because the various people involved did not fully understand each other’s requirements or intentions
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IRISH PIPING SPECIFICATIONS
The absolute and final SPECIFICATION FOR WASHERS
Only for use of QatarGas Instrument Inspection Dept.
Fig 1 A washer
INSTRUCTIONS - read very carefully!!
All washers must be washer shaped,
The I.D. must not be greater than the O.D. or the hole will be on the outside.
Any washer holes found to be smaller than the bolt should be rejected immediately.
Any holes found to be bigger than the washer should be fillet welded until the washer stops dropping through.
A washer is not required if there is no nut and bolt, do not check for washers during compaction tests, megger tests, etc.
A washer is required if there is a nut and bolt, but only if the bolt is too small for the hole and keeps dropping through it.
Any holes found without a bolt through it should have a washer attached immediately, in case it is later used for a bolt hole.
HGV LORRY DRIVERS HIGHWAY CODE
A truck driver stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts.
"Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
"It's Snow ... Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"
"Me, I'm June ... June Hansen," she said.
After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"
"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered, ....having eight inches of Snow in June?"
Rules for CAR MAINTENANCE
SPECIALIST BOLTS FOR BRITISH INDUSTRY
FOR HOLES TOO NEAR THE EDGE |
FOR MISMATCHED HOLES |
FOR HOLES COUNTERSUNK TOO DEEP |
FOR HOLES DRILLED CROOKED AND COCKEYED |
FOR HOLES WITH COUNTERSINK ON WRONG SIDE |
FOR HOLES NOT SQUARE |
BINOCULAR BOLT FOR DOUBLE DRILLED HOLES |
ASSEMBLERS SPECIAL OVERSIZE & STANDARD BOLT |
FOR DOUBLE COUNTERSUNK HOLES |
CORRUGATED HEAD FOR VICE GRIPS |
FOR REDRILLED HOLES THAT STILL DON’T MATCH |
FOR ALL SIZE TAPERS |
A man flying in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced height and spotted a man on the ground, descended further to shouting range. "Excuse me," he called, "Can
you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am."
The man answered: "You are in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above the ground, between 40 and 42 degrees north, and about one degree west.
"You must be a engineer," responded the balloonist.
"I am, how did you know?" answered the man.
"Everything you have told me is technically correct, but I am still as lost as before.
"You must be a manager" responded the man.
"Yes, but how did you know?
"Well," said the man, "you have no idea where you are, or where you are going. You made a promise that you cannot keep, and you expect me to solve the problem. In fact you are in the
same position as when I met you, but now somehow it is all my fault!"
A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately
fills it back up again.
One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."
How many mechanics does it: take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to force it in with a, hammer and one to go out and get more bulbs!