EXPAT JOKES > Courting Jokes

A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her Daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.
Mum: So.... now that you have started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?
Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.
Mum: How?
Daughter: Oh, stuff....
Mum: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...
Daughter: I don't know...
Mum: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe I remember
Daughter: Really?
Mum: Really...
Daughter: OK, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your eyes?

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.
He is going to try to kiss you, and you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.
He is going to try to feel your breast, and you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, and you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.
But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are really going to like that BUT --- DON'T ever let him do that, it will disgrace the family.
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said.
She said grandmother, "I didn't let him kiss me, or touch my breasts. And I wouldn't let him put his hand between my legs. I did just what you told me.
When he tried tried to get on top of me, I used my intelligence and thought about what you said. I turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family.

HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar to meet him, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late. He didn't say anything much about it.
He seemed silent, distracted and his only eye contact seemed judgmental. I decided maybe I should never wear that dress again. Well, maybe it was the color. Maybe I should never wear this color again either. The conversation was so slow going so I thought maybe we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. He didn't really seem to agree, but we went off to this quiet, little restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up, be witty and tell cute stories, but I start to wonder whether it's me or something else. He doesn't smile much, so I ask him, but he says no. But you know I'm not really sure.
I wonder and then I think about the 5 pounds I gained this past month. I bet he thinks I'm a fat hog now. Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me, but doesn't squeeze.
I don't know what the hell this all means or what I should think because you know he doesn't say it back or do anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep.
Then, after about 10 minutes or so, he joins me and we have sex.
But, he still seems really, really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I roll over and sniffle a little real quietly. He snores. I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?

On their way to Vegas to get married, a wife-to-be confesses to her bloke that the reason they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If the bloke wishes to cancel the wedding, it is OK with her.
The bloke thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles further down the road, the bloke turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession that he has a penis just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is OK with him.
The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other.
They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the bloke took off his clothes.
After one glance at the bloke's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she became conscious, the bloke asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?"
The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby!"
The bloke replied, "It is -- 8 pounds and 21 inches!"

T

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MAKESY

OUSHOR

TSIGHTED

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works.
Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid."

Failed Pick-up Lines
Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilised!"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason. Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

The boy just takes the girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blow job?"
"What? You're crazy???!!!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up.."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"My love.. don't be like that.."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blow job himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
The guy says, "Well, give me some examples."
The girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

Ryan rents an apartment in London and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Ryan smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Ryan breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Ryan stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded!
"Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they're firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin - no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, Ryan stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming - that was me."

Ted took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Mary?" asked Ted.
"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over Ted again asked Mary what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Ted lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Ted figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her room mate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Mary responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

A woman meets a gorgeous man in the pub. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his flat, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is rather surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The bloke says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."
She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm taking a dump instead."

A women goes to her boyfriend's parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivalled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"