EXPAT JOKES > CLEAN JOKES
Bumper Stickers
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you for thousands!
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
Honk If You Want To See My Finger
A Dog is for Life - Not just a Friday Night
To The Occupier
This letter is being sent to you because we know that you are really interested in your front lawn. The spring season will soon be upon us. This is a Fertilize Your Lawn Club and it will not cost you
a penny to join. Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list and shit on their front lawn. You will not be the only one there, so don't feel embarrassed. Remove the name at
the top of the list and add your name to the bottom, then make five copies of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate good lawns. You will not get any cash or cheques, but
within one week, if the chain is not broken, there will be 9,915 people shitting on your front lawn. Your reward will come later on in the summer, when you will have the greenest lawn in your
neighborhood.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN! One man didn't give a shit and lost his entire lawn!
It was the opening night at the Palladium and the 'Amazing Ivan the Hypnotist' was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see him do his stuff. As Ivan took the stage he announced, "I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electrifying as Ivan withdrew a beautiful antique watch from his coat. I want each and every one of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch and has been in my family for 6 generations. He began swaying the watch gently back and forth while chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Shit" said the hypnotist. It took several weeks to clean up the theatre.
Items to ponder on...Think about it...
Did you hear the joke about the broken pencil?
I'll fall for it. What's the joke about the broken pencil?
Aw, forget it, it's pointless... :-)
Musical Terminology
Coda - Served with chipsa
Codetta - Child's portion
Con moto - I have a car
Con spirito - Drunk
Crescendo - (getting louder) - Testing the neighbours tolerance level
Dim - Thick
f - forte (loud) - The neighbours are out
f f - fortissimo (VERY loud) - To hell with the neighbours
p - piano (soft) - The neighbours have complained
pp - pianissimo (VERY soft) - The neighbours are at the door
Allegro - A little car
Maestro - A bigger car
Metronome - A person small enough to fit comfortably in a Mini Metro
Interval - The time to meet. the other players in the bar
Perfect Interval - When the drinks are on the house
Chords - Things that organists play with one finger
Discords - Things that organists play with two fingers
Suspended chord - Used for hanging the soloist
Syncopation - A bowel condition brought on by an overdose of jazz
Professional - Anyone who can't hold down a steady job
Improvisation - What you do when the music falls down
Fugue - Clever stuff
Prelude - Warm up session before the clever stuff
Tonic - A pick-me-up
Virtuoso - Someone who can work wonders with easy play music
The Following Are Real Accident Summaries Filled Out By Policyholders on Insurance Forms:
"A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face."
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"As I approached the intersection a stop sign appeared where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
(For 7 broken ribs) "Husband was hugging me. Hugged too hard."
"For a broken leg: "Running away from husband when I fell down the stairs. (Only fooling around)" I bet you were, lady.
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."
"I saw a truly moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."
"I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him."
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions."
"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car ahead of me, I struck the pedestrian."
Insurance jokes? Just some of the weird and wonderful excuses put onto insurance claim forms over the years:
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped
off and miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the road."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo
"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind".
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by the arms, and the first slapped me several times across the face. I Knee'd
the man in the groin, but didn't connect properly, so I kicked him in the shin."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker."
"Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?"
"No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened."
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
"We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo."
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment."
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention." "
I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."
"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car"
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth"
"I was thrown from the car as it left . I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
The Smiths had tried for years to have a child and not having had any luck, decided to use a proxy father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to . . . ."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that,
I'm sure."
"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to
rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, Eh. . . equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.
Madam ? Madam?. . . Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
A pirate was talking to a land-lubber in a bar. The land lubber noticed that, like any self respecting pirate, he had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got into such a bad shape, so asked the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?" The pirate responded, "I lost my leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaicey!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand. Did you lose it at the same time?" "No, answered the pirate. " I lost that to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch, how did you lose your eye?" The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on the beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in my eye." The land-lubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you lose an eye?" The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got my hook!"
Neville had been out of work for a long time and when he was offered the job at the council as a garbage collector he decided to take it up. On his first day things were going great until he
arrived at one house and noticed there was no wheelie bin out the front. Neville thought to himself, "I wanna do a good job and not get fired from here but if they find out I missed one house
then I will get fired." So he went up to the door and knocked on it.
To his surprise it was his old mate Bert who answered. Neville breathed a sigh of relief and said to the other bloke, "Where's ya bin?"
The man replied, "I bin on 'olidays,"
eville then said, "Na, mate, where's ya BIN?"
"I bin on 'olidays I tell ya," was the reply.
Neville, slightly frustrated, says, "Na, ya idiot-where's ya Wheelie Bin?"
The other bloke looked round to see who might be listening.
"Well," he said. "I weally bin in jail-but I'm tellin' everyone I bin on 'olidays, eh!"
Newspaper Headlines
Physic midget escapes from jail: SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE
Lunatic rapes laundry woman and runs away: NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS
Fire at lunatic asylum: - ROAST NUTS!
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Sainsburys. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURYS."
Musical farter to star at royal command performance, "ACE TO TRUMP BEFORE THE QUEEN, WILL THERE BE A ROYAL FLUSH"
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."
Incredibly useful tips
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the F***ing thing in the first place, you fat bast*rds.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.
Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson look up at the sky and tell me what you see." ..
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes added, "And what does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically,
I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. Tell me, Holmes, what does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you twat. Some bastard's stolen our tent."
(This is Britain's No 1 joke of 2001, they obviously missed the rest of this collection....)
MEN vs. WOMEN
RELATIONSHIPS:
First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were bonking on a semi-regular basis."
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All men are idiots." Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll
never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us."
This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need;
alas these classes rarely prove effective.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
HATS:
Women look good in hats.
Men look like dinks.
AT THE ZOO:
According to Jerry Steinfeld the difference between men and women can be seen at the Zoo in the monkey house in the reaction men and women have to reactions of monkey antics like lice picking,
scurrying around, screaming and playing with themselves in public:
Women go, "Oh that is disgusting, I can't watch this and leave."
Meanwhile the guys are thinking, "Hey, I could do that."
COMEDY:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on:
Immediately, the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, inevitably every man's favourite Stooge.
The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, coloured stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain
to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
BATHROOMS:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.
A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon, and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverley Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
GOING OUT:
When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.
When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...
SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on
her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.
A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.
LEG WARMERS:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...
GARAGES:
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.
MOVIES:
For women, their favourite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."
For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy."
JEWELLERY:
Women look nice when they wear jewellery.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.
THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
LOW BLOWS:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow:
The woman says, "Oh, gee, that must hurt."
The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.
DIRECTIONS:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way
to get there," and, "I know I'm in the neighbourhood. I recognise that White Hen store."
ADMITTING MISTAKES:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George Custer.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married women.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
PLANTS:
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.
MOUSTACHES:
Some men look good with moustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with moustaches.
NICKNAMES:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Peckerhead, Dickbreath, and Scumbag.
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barman: "In 'Oz, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate."
Bob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all - gimme a Bud."
Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer. Giff me ein Helles, ze real king of beers."
Jan, chief executive of Grolsch follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.
Patrick, chairman of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, give me a diet Coke with ice and lemon. Please."
The other four stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces.
Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Patrick?"
Patrick replies "Well, if you pansies aren't drinking, then neither am I."
BEST OLD JOKES
'Where were you born?' 'Liverpool'
'What part?' 'All of me'
'Have you lived there all your life?' 'Not yet'
'Any great men born there?' 'No - only babies'
'How long has your father been in his present position?'
'Three months' 'And what is he doing?'
'Six months'
'We had two windmills on our farm, but we took one of them down. We found we didn't have enough wind for two'.
'We found out that white horses eat more than black horses, so we got rid of the white horses'
'That's silly - why should the white horses eat more than the black horses?'
'We tried every way to figure it out, and we couldn't figure any reason, unless it was because we had more of the white horses.'
'He said you weren't fit to associate with pigs, but I stuck up for you.'
'That's right - always stick up for me. What did you say?' 'I said you were.'
'Do you serve lobsters here?' 'We serve anybody, sir.'
'You know, my nephew was very ill - they rushed him to the hospital and they operated on him just in time. Two days later he would have got better without it.'
'The little girl played something on the piano - "The Maiden's Prayer" by Sousa - Cohen said, "Say, Levitski, what do you think of her execution?" - I said, "I'm in favour of it".'
'Is it cold up there?' 'Cold? - it's very cold - you know, if you light a match, the flame freezes - you can't blow it out!'
'I'm not as stupid as I look, you know.' 'You couldn't be'.