EXPAT JOKES > COMPUTING > 1
Window Dressing
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in Purgatory, being sized up by God .....
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the
World, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 2000. In your case, I'm going to do something I've never done before: I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.
" Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay, then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women laughing, playing in the water, and frolicking about. The sun was shining, and the
temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for
a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm ... I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," retorted God. "As you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill shackled to a wall in a dark cave, screaming amidst hot flames, being
burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" God asked Bill.
Bill responded, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment: "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that
other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water????"
"That was the demo," replied God !!
HONOUR SYSTEM VIRUS
This virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your
hard disk, then forward this message to everyone you know.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Writing’s Powerful Message
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a 'great' writer. When asked to define 'great' he said 'I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that
people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!'
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Jesus and Satan were having a major argument about who was the best on a computer.
They had been going at it for days, and God was getting tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours and at the end of the two hours I will judge who has done the better job."
So down sat Jesus and Satan at the keyboards, They typed, They moused, They did spreadsheets, They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They
downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job that could be done on a pc.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power
went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."
A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.
Somebody asked her how that could be possible.
"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."
"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."
"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."
The Y2k helpdesk
"Hello, I'm your Y2k assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with my computer."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in your word processor, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
[Ah--at least she knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if she's kicked out her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
[pause] "Yes, it is."
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt she would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor she has and it's
bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it,
not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
" [muffled] "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer. "
[still muffled] "I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
[clear again] "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's been a power cut."
"A power--!?!" [AAAAAAARGH!] "A power cut? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]
BEGGING EMAIL - Old Jeans For Charity
Normally I wouldn't send something like this to you. But, it's not too much trouble, and we all generally like to help others as long as the requests aren't too demanding....
So, I thought I would tell you about this charity. It is similar to sponsoring a malnourished child from another country. However, this charity deals with something equally important as a good
meal--Clothing.
For pennies a day, you can help sponsor a child like the one in the photo I've attached.
Rather than throwing out your old jeans, donate them so that they may be used to help someone the same way they helped the little girl in the picture. Please, don't delete this email, it is important
to spread the word and help those less fortunate than us. This could be the first step to a better world for everyone. Please give. Generously.
An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner. The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping, etc). After the test, the manager says,
"You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per day. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on your first day."
Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that really means that you virtually
don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10kg box of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly
at 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.
Getting up early and earlier every day and going to bed late and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time.
Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in gain shortly afterwards on a pick-up truck. By the end of the first year, he is
the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of several hundred formerly unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some
life assurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order
that he might forward the documentation.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and
e-commerce? Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the very start!"
After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: "Sure! I would have been a cleaner working for Microsoft!"
Morals of the story:
Unzipping a compressed file
AIRPORT STORY
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi,
Ray,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, "Fuck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."
Yesterday
Yesterday
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a millstone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
BILL GATES vs. GENERAL MOTORS
At a recent? computer exhibition (COMDEX), Bill Gates said, "if GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we'd be driving $25 cars that do 1000 miles to the gallon."
GM released the following response:
"This car has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down..."
Wife Upgrade
Dear Tech Support,
I am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Boys Night
2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I
am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but UN-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!! Thanks, Joe
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a
"UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert
back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to UN-install, delete, or purge the program
files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more
problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed
myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their
cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the "ESC" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command
before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying
additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported
application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House" in French is feminine - "la maison",
"Pencil" in French is masculine - "le crayon".
One student asked, "What gender is Computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn’t in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough by gender, and asked them to decide whether Computer should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.
The boys’ group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer") because:
The girls’ group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") for the following reasons:
