EXPAT JOKES > BLONDES

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• A blond coyote got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs, and was still stuck.
• A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
• A blonde walks into a pub with a pig. The barman asks: "Where did you get that dumb animal? The pig says: "I won her in a raffle."
• Confucius say; blonde who fly upside down have crack up.
• Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes? It's called MAIDS - if they don't get one, they die.
• Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes? They take off their makeup.
• Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
• How can you tell when a blonde is dating? By the buckle print on her forehead.
• How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.
• How do you describe the perfect blonde? 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
• How do you drive a blonde crazy? Hide their hairbrush!
• I knew a blonde that was so stupid that she studied for a blood test.
• What can save a dying blonde? Hair transplants.
• What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine? She peed on her corn flakes.
• What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios? "Oh, look! Doughnut seeds!"
• What did the blonde say when someone blew in her bra? Thanks for the refill.
• What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? Answer1: Nothing. They've never met. Answer2: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
• What do blondes and cowpats have in common? They both get easier to pick-up with age.
• What do blondes do after they comb their hair? They pull up their pants.
• What do blondes eat to increase their breast size? Silicone chips.
• What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men. Their heels.
• What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A mental block.
• What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head? All you can eat under a buck.
• What do you call a brunette between two blondes? An interpreter.
• What do you call a good-looking brunette between two blondes? An interpreter in need of an immediate rescue.
• What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.
• What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? "Have another beer."
• What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10pm? She picks up her purse and goes home.
• What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
• What happened to the suicide blonde? She dyed by her own hand.
• What is a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme? Hump-me Dump-me!
• What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? You can only put 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
• What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York? The Grand Old Duke of York only had 10,000 men.
• What is the difference between a blonde and the Titanic? They know how many men went down on the Titanic.
• What is the first two things a blonde does in the morning? Introduces herself, walks home.
• What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
• What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant? Her feet!
• What's a brunette's mating call? Has that blonde gone yet?
• What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
• What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
• What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone? It costs 30 pence to use a telephone.
• What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
• What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
• What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde? The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says, "Are you done already?" The blonde says, "I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
• What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
• When is that blonde bitch going to leave!? "All the blondes have gone home!"
• Why did the blonde cross the road? Answer1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!? Answer2: I don't know. Reply: Neither did she.
• Why did the blonde have a sore navel? Because her boyfriend was also blond!
• Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? She realised she gave her last blowjob.
• Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
• Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it? A blonde tried to shoot herself!
• Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? He didn't want it the wind to mess up her hair.
• Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? From eating with forks.
• Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids? So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
• Why do blondes have square breasts? Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
• Why do blondes have vaginas? So guys will talk to them at parties.
• Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture.
• Why do blondes wear green lipstick? Because red means stop.
• Why do blondes wear hoop earrings? They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
• Why don't blondes eat pickles? Because they can't get their head in the jar.
• Why don't blondes like buttered toast? They can't figure out which side the butter goes on.
• Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes? Because at 69 they blow a rod...
• Why is a blonde like a doorknob? Because everybody gets a turn.
• Why is a blonde like a hardware store? They are both 10p a screw!

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 She exclaims..."I don't have any money.. but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland !!!! " To that the man asks "Anything"?? And the blonde says "yes.. Anything"!! With that, the man says "Follow me" ..He walks into the next room and tells her "Come in and close the door". She does!! He then says "Get on your knees". She does!!.. He then says take down my zipper". She does!!... He then says "Go ahead... Take it out" With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!! The man then says "Well.. Go ahead"!!... She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips.. She says "HELLO, MOM"????

So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."

A man with both of his front pockets full of golf balls sat down next to a blonde on a bus.
The blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
The blonde asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one. Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blond flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!

A lady boards a plane and sits down in a first class seat even though she only had an economy ticket. The stewardess notices this and asks the lady to move. She replies "I'm young, blonde and staying here until New York". The stewardess is dumbfounded and tells one of the other stewardesses', who goes straight to the lady and asks her to move. Again the lady replies "I'm young, blonde and staying here until New York". All the stewardess' are at a loss so they tell the flight manager. He asks the lady to move but she just repeats...."I'm young, blonde and staying here until New York". The flight manager storms into to tell the Captain about the annoying blonde "Blonde is she?" says the Captain "leave this with me". He strides up to the lady and whispers in her ear. The blonde jumps up thanks the captain and takes her economy seat. The crew are amazed and beg the captain to tell them what he whispered. "I told her first class doesn't go to New York"

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sits the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the centre is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

A blonde's house is somehow set on fire so she runs outside to use a pay phone to call for help. She gets the 999 operator, and is transferred to the firestation. "Mr. Fireman, my house is on fire. You have to help me!" The Fireman replies, "Yes, yes Miss. And how do I find your house?" The blonde pauses a moment, and replies, "Umm, it's the house that's on fire. You'll see the big red flames." Realising now that he's talking to a blonde, the fireman replies, "No Miss. You don't understand. How would you like me to get to your house?" Reacting with frustration, she says, "A big red truck. Duh!"

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra shorts, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman.
She decides that she really needs a haircut.
She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut." The hairdresser checks her out and says, "OK, sit down and take off your headphones."
"No way!" shouts the blonde, "If I take off my headphones, I'll die!"
"Then I can't give you a haircut," replies the hairdresser.
So the blonde gets up and leaves and skates further down the board-walk.
She sees another salon, goes in, and says to the hairdresser, "I need a haircut... but you can't take off my headphones or I'll die!"
The hairdresser looks at her a little weird, but says, "OK, no problem.
Have a seat." So the blonde sits down and the hairdresser comes up behind her, and when she isn't looking, he rips the headphones off her head.
Suddenly the blonde starts choking, and soon turns blue in the face, then keels over and dies right there in the salon chair.
The hairdresser is a little freaked by this. He leans over and cautiously listens into the blonde's headphones and he hears...
"Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."

A blonde is crossing the road when she gets run over. She is lying on the ground as the driver rushes out of the car to her.
Are you alright?" he asks her.
"Everything is just a blur, I can't see anything" she says.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.
"How many fingers have I got up?" he asks.
"Oh No!" she replies,
"Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down as well!!!"

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had three orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: (looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 23!".
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humour."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee!"

Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, which happened to be an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while. Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded, "HURRY, HURRY, IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!"

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