EXPAT JOKES > BAR ROOM

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A drunk asked a lady the way to Alcoholics Anonymous. 'Do you wish to join?' lady the woman, 'No,' was the reply, 'to resign.'
As he poured her a drink he said, 'Say when.' She replied, 'After this drink.'
Don't drink and drive, there's nowhere to put your glass down
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex for over 2 thousand years
'Do you drink Guinness?' 'What else can you do with it?'
'Do you serve women in this bar?' Barman: 'No, you have to bring your own.'
'Excuse me, I'm a stranger here. Where's the nearest boozer?' 'You're looking at him.'
Don't knock our beer, you'll be old and weak one day
The beer here is like screwing in a rowing boat, it fucking close to water
I never drink unless I'm alone or with somebody
Here comes The Exorcist,' said the barman. 'Why do you call him that?' asked a customer. 'Because he can shift more spirits than anyone I know.'
Man: 'Drink makes you look very beautiful and sexy.' Wife: 'But I haven't been drinking.' Man: 'No, but I have.'
Mum! Here comes dad, holding a policeman on each arm!
Liquor is a slow poison, but who's in a hurry?
I'm not a steady drinker, my hands shake too much
She: 'I've no sympathy for a man who gets drunk every night', He: 'A man who gets drunk every night doesn't need sympathy.'
The barman blanched when he saw 2 ghosts standing at the bar at midnight. 'Do you,' said one ghost, 'serve spirits at this time of night?'
The husband was telephoning from the pub, 'I know I said I'd be home after six, but I haven't finished my fourth yet.'
Trade's bad, I think I'll sell the pub and start a brothel.' 'It won't work. If you can't sell beer what makes you think you could sell soup?'
Waiter - hic - bring me a dish of prunes.' 'Stewed, sir?' 'Thash none of your bishness,'
'I'm, trying to make a case for beer.' 'You don't need to - I'm convinced.'
'How many drinks does it take to make you dizzy?' 'Five or six,' she answered, 'and don't call me Dizzy!'
Two women were in the pub and had finished their drinks. 'Are you having another one?' one woman asked. 'No,' replied the other, 'it's just the way my coat's buttoned.'
A bottle of cheap brandy went to the psychiatrist because he thought he was a Napoleon.
Two drunks are sitting at the bar, one gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?" "Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years!"
Two drunks were in a car which was weaving along the road, just missing other cars by inches. 'For God's sake, look where you're driving'. 'Am I driving?' answered the other drunk. 'I thought you were.
A man walks into a bar swinging a set of jumper leads above his head. The barman looks over and says "You're not going to start anything in here, mate!"

A policeman stopped a man who was running in the street and then let him go.
The publican came running up to the policeman. 'Why didn't you stop that man?' he demanded.
'Well, he told me you were racing him for the price of a drink.'
'I certainly was. He didn't pay for it.'

A cowboy walks into a bar, drinks a whisky, whips round and shoots a nick in the ear lobe of the pianist. The barman advises him to file his sights off. So he files off the sights and orders another whisky. Drinks it quickly, swings round and shoots a nick in the other ear of the pianist.
'Why don't you grease the barrel?' said the barman. 'It'll be better if you grease the barrel.'
'Why will it be better with no sights and a greased barrel?' asked the cowboy.
'Cos when Wyatt Earp has finished playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your arse.'

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, its half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows.
"Aren’t you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realise that the man was drunk.
"Hi there," said the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"
"No get lost. It's half past three, I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what has happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband
"it doesn't matter," says the wife. "he needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
"I'm over here, on your swing!!!"

Bar Stools

A man walked into a crowded pub, pushed his way to the bar and stood there twitching. He kept this up for several minutes until a customer nudged him.
'What's wrong with you?' asked the customer.
'I'm suffering from yaws,' replied the man.
'Oh, what's yaws?'
The man stopped twitching, 'That's very kind of you. I'll have a large brandy.'

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy.
The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink, he remarked," that's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?" After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend." "Wow " exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch. "No wonder you need a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house." As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?" "I walked over to my wife, the man replied, looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out!" "That makes sense," said the bartender," but what about your best friend?" The man replied, " I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, " BAD DOG ROVER! BAD DOG! "

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200?"

On their way home from a night on the town 2 young ladies decided that they had to go for a pee. The only place with any degree of privacy was the cemetery. After having done what had to be done they found than neither had a tissue to clean themselves up. The first lady said that she would use her knickers and then throw them in the rubbish bin. The second lady said that her husband would have a fit if she came home without any knickers so she grabbed a ribbon from one of the floral tributes on a gravesite.
The following day the two husbands were talking and the first lad said that his wife had come home without any knickers. The second lad said "I don't know what you're worried about, my wife came home with a red ribbon tucked in hers saying 'We'll never forget you - all the regulars at the Crown and Thistle"

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie."
Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."
At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.
"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.
"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts...they're complimentary."

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

A man went into a bar with an ostrich and a cat .
The man ordered a beer and the ostrich said, "I'll have one too, the cat says "me too, and he's paying."
The bartender said, "That'll be $2.50."
The man put his hand in his pocket, came out with exact amount.
The next day they came in again, the man ordered beer, the ostrich said, "Me too." and the cat said "I'll have a gin and tonic and he's paying"
The bartender said ,"That'll be $2.50."
The man put his hand in his pocket and came out with exact amount and walked out.
The next day they're in yet again. The man said I'll have a scotch. The ostrich said, "Me too." The cat ordered a beer and said "he's paying"
The bartender said, "That'll be $8.50."
The man put his hand in his pocket, and out came the exact amount.
The bartender asked, "How do you do that? Every time it's the exact amount."
The man said, "I found a bottle on the beach and a genie came out and said I could have what a wanted, so I told him I wished for all I could drink and have the right amount to pay for it."
The bartender said, "Yeah, but what about the ostrich and that cat that never buys a round?"
"Oh," replied the man, "I also asked for a chick with long legs. and a tight pussy"

A brewery worker fell into a vat of beer and was drowned. The manager went to tell the widow. Naturally she was very upset and started to weep.
'Did he suffer much?' she sobbed.
'I don't think so,' replied the manager, 'he got out twice to go to the gents!'

A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologised and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable drunken arsehole!" she screamed.
Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

A bartender was washing the glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman then looked towards the end of the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if it was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser, who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeep', gis us a lager dere la!
Hey, is dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out of the door.
Jesus went up and touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Italian then felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out of the door.
Jesus then walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't you fookin touch me! I'm on Disability!"

The bar had just closed at 3am on a shitty rainy night when a drunk staggers out to catch a cab ride home. There is only one cab to be found so he staggers over to the cab and asks the driver how much to get across town. The cabbie says £15. The drunk puts his hand in his pocket and comes out with £12. He asks the cabbie if this would be enough to get him home.
The cabbie gets angry and tells the guy "Its £15 or you can f**k off!"
The drunk pleads with the guy but to no avail and the cabbie drives off leaving the drunk alone in the rain on a deserted street. The drunk walks home swearing revenge on the cabbie. Two weeks later the same scenario except this time there are 6 cabs lined up in a row with the prick driver in the last car in the line. Buddy thinks 'This is my chance'.
He goes up to the first cab in the line and asks how much to get across town. The Cabbie says £15. Buddy says I'll give you £35 if you take me home and give me a blowjob!!! The cabbie freaks out and tells the him to get the f**k out of the cab.
The guy then goes to the next cab and says the same thing with exactly the same result as before. He repeats this all the way down the line until he gets to the last cab where he asks how much to get across town. The cabbie says £15. Buddy jumps in and says OK lets go. As the cab pulls out onto the street and passes by all the other cabs in the line he turns around in the cab and gives two thumbs up to the other cabbies with a very wide grin on his face!!

Now that's what I call a fart!

Seamus had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing so Seamus stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the half-mile home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you forgot wheelchair again."

Three strings walk into a bar. The bartender throws them out, yelling "Can't you read the sign?! I don't serve strings." The strings try again, and again the bartender kicks them out. Finally, one of the strings gets the idea to mess himself up a little. He walks into the bar. The bartender scowls, "What's wrong with you? Can't you read? I don't serve strings!" The string replies, "I'm a frayed knot!"

A mushroom walks into a bar. He sits next to a beautiful woman and tries to pick her up. He gives her a few cheap lines, and she replies "Get out of here, I don't want nothing to do with you!" Then the mushroom says, "What's the matter? I'm a fun-gi!"

Fred walked into a bar and noticed a beautiful blonde sitting at the bar. He walked up to her and said "Can I buy you a drink?" She replied "Yes you may, but you won't get to first base with me." "And why not?" asked Fred. "Because I'm a lesbian." she replied. "Oh, so you're from Lebanon." "You don't know what a lesbian is, do you?" "No, I can't say I do." Fred answered .
"Let me try to explain." said the blonde. "You see that girl at the end of the bar? Well, I would like to make passionate love to her, and kiss her all over all night long." She looked aside and saw Fred with his head down sobbing uncontrollably. "What's the matter with you?!" Fred slowly looked up at her and said "My GOD...I think I'm a lesbian, too!"

A man came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

A young lady came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me 6 shots of Jagermeister"  "6 shots! Are you celebrating something?" Says the barman, "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

Two men are sitting at a bar. After a bunch of drinks over several hours, one man hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself.
Wiping his mouth off on his shirt sleeve, he says, "I must go home. I'm already 2 hours late, and now I've thrown up all over myself. The ole' lady will kill me.
The second man turns to the first and says, "No she won't. Listen, you got ten quid?"
The first says, "Yeah, why?"
The second drunk says, "Take the ten and put it in your front pocket. When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you ten quid for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time.
The first man says, "Great idea! Let's have another round", and the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours.
Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first man's wife is waiting up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and says, "Look at you! You're pathetic!! You're five hours late, drunk as a skunk, and you've got dried puke all over the front of you! What have you got to say for yourself?!?"
He says, "Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunk guy threw up on me and gave me ten quid to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my front pocket."
She reaches in and pulls out two ten pound notes.
She says, "Wait there's 20 quid in here!"
He says, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!"

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:-

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks over to the bar and beckons the barmaid over.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, " are you the one who gives hand jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich."

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the tenth floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.
" The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen
First Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below.
When he passes the tenth floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the tenth floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The second Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
First Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the tenth floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
Second Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the eleventh, tenth, ninth, eighth floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, SUPERMAN, you can be a real cunt when you're drunk.

A man came into a pub with an octopus on a lead he said "I'll pay anyone £10 if you can bring me a musical instrument this octopus can't play. He played the jew's harp, mouth organ, piano, flute in fact just about everything.
A wily old Scot left and came back with a set of bagpipes, the octopus circled it several times, when old jock said, "I believe you owe me a tenner"
To which the owner replied "Wait, when he realises he can't fuck it, he'll play it!"

A bloke goes into a pub. The barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off." He replies.
"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband." The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again. The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.
"I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off." he replies.
"What???" screams the barmaid, "That's it, you're barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, GET OUT NOW!" Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.
"Right. I'll give you one last chance," says the barmaid, "now, what do you want?" "I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you."
The barmaid screams, starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly. "What's up, love?" says the husband. "There's this disgusting bloke downstairs! When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted too put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off," she says in a flood of tears. "What?! He's a dead man!" shouts the husband getting out of his chair.
"Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off!" screams the wife. "Right, he's going to need a body bag, the bastard!" shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me" she concludes.
When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.
"Aren't you going to do something?!!" shouts the wife in hysterics.
"Listen love, I'm not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness..."

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"?
"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel !!!'

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.

Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years. So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we must not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint.

Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.

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