2001
|
|||
|
|
|
|
|
2001 |
|||
|
|
 |
|
||||||||
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
2001 ExFL NEWS ARCHIVES |
||||
|
Back to business for the ExFL... ASSOCIATED PRESS - The President of the United States has ordered all citizens back to work.
This includes the ExFL. As players prepared for what should have been Week 3, but is now considered Week 2, thoughts steadily turned back to the business of football. “Now we have two regimes to despise,” said one owner anonymously. “The Taliban and the McKay.” It seems that even as the country is in the midst of the worst tragedy in American history, the Hot Air Balloons director of personnel Jim McKay still can not escape being the target of harsh criticism by his numerous enemies in the league. In the opening week of the ExFL, the Balloons were the surprise of the league. League officials could not come up with any conclusive evidence of wrong doing after accusations were made by some league owners that the Balloons and Delberts Dogs conspired with each other in the Balloons complete domination over the Dogs, 97-62, in Week 1. “In the wake of last weeks tragedies, a full investigation into these allegations was quite difficult,” said an ExFL official. “But I believe we were able to conclude that no evidence could be found concerning any corruption on the part of Mr. McKay or Mr. Booth. In a thorough search of their offices, all we could turn up was a bunch of unrelated rubbish like flight manuals, airport maps, aviation school diploma’s, and numerous plane tickets and schedules. We could not figure out how any of these trivial items pertained to our investigation so we have cleared them of all charges.” “I guess Booth and McKay must have some pretty deep pockets,” said another anonymous owner. “Must have took a pretty hefty load of greenery to get those so called ‘league officials’ to not find any illicit activities. Or maybe the two of them just did what they do best, and pulled out the kneepads. I know a few officials in this league that might enjoy that.” The Balloons will face a real test this weekend when they face what many are now referring to as “America’s Team”, Major Ross A. Brown’s Lone Star Assault. The Major had his bags packed and
ready for the rescue and recovery operations on the east coast last week, but his orders never came in. His unit still awaits word on what their next step will be. Which means the Balloons will
not have as easy of a time against the Assault as they originally thought when they were led to believe that Major Brown would not be present. In somewhat of a panic, McKay made a flurry of
roster moves last Tuesday in preparation of what could be an all out assault by the Assault.
Here is a preview of the other 5 ExFL games being held this weekend: ------------------------------------------------------------------- Kahunas Klowns vs. NC Eagles The “Big Kahuna” Chris Menor tries to piece together his organization after being slaughtered in Week 1 by Bednariks Bullies, 104-75. What was really scary, though, was that the Bullies had a 104-25 dismantling in process going into Monday night. Many believe the 50 points the Bullies spotted the Klowns on Monday were a diversionary tactic to try and keep league officials from launching another investigation similar to the one the Balloons went through last week. Keveagle, owner of the NC Eagles, swooped out of nowhere this week and picked up superstar wide receiver phenomenon Todd “The Tank” Pinkston off the waiver wire, in what could be the greatest free agent steal of all time. Pinkston, at an enormous 6’-2”, 101 lbs., adds incredible size and depth to a team that does not require anymore with All-Time Football MVP Donovan McNabb at quarterback. The Klowns are +62 ˝ underdogs at most Vegas sportsbooks. Although that number may rise as most all the action has been thrown at NC. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Bednariks Bullies vs. Eds White Spray Painted Isuzu Amigos Ed Samuels returned from a hockey tournament in California after Week 1 to discover that his prize free agent acquisition Terance Mathis scored absolutely no points in their first game. Things could get worse for the young owner this weekend when he goes up against the team that everyone in the league suddenly fears. “I’m not sure I’m going to show up against the Bullies either,” said Mathis. “After seeing what they did to the Klowns last week, I think I’ll just set my sites on Week 3. In a shocking move made this week, Bullies owner Neil Klusky came out of his bat cave and slashed two unproductive players off the roster, even after the team scored 104 points in their first game. Rumor has it, Klusky was not the slightest bit pleased with the Bullies performance. In a furious outrage after the game, Klusky stormed into the locker room and demanded that his players either put up some serious points in the future, or expect to be standing in the welfare lines with the rest of the bottom scraping scum in the free agent pool. “Sheesh – what a friggin wacko,” said an unidentified member of the Bullies. “You’d think being in first place would be enough.” It was the first time any team members ever saw the owner. Although no one was able to give a good description of his likeness to the press. “He was wearing a mask.” ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Puppy Posse vs. Delberts Dogs Many believe Dogs owner has a secret collusion agreement with Balloons director Jim McKay, and plans to share all winnings between the two of them if the Balloons go on to capture the league title. “These guys should just be forced to forfeit all the rest of their games this season,” said an anonymous Posse player in reference to the Dogs. “Trading Favre for Batch? F***ing Batch isn’t even playing this week! What a corruptive scam!” Unconfirmed sources say Ricketts celebrated his teams victory in Week 1 so intensely, he almost traded star running back LaDainian Tomlinson to the Vegas Corruption for useless piece of crap Priest Holmes. He finally came to his senses after Posse executives snapped him out of his drunken stupor. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Taylor Tit Twisters vs. Sin City Demons For the second week in a row, the Sin City Demons may be the team to watch. In a surprising upset over the Corruption in Week 1, Demons owner Steve O’Neil, like a typical Dallas Cowboys fan, has already started talking league championship. Although, Andy Garrison’s Twisters were a surprise last week too, and may be a dark horse to win the Eastern Division title. In a surprising move by Garrison, the Twisters packed up all Colorado operations and left Denver last week for their new digs in Taylor, Nebraska. “Our corporate office, locker rooms, and training facilities were all in Nebraska, while our practice and playing fields were all located in Denver,” explains Garrison. “It just made some darn sense to relocate everything into one place. The guys were just getting all worn out and s**t from the one hour flight before and after practice every day, so I thought it was the least I could do for the lil buggers.” Spoken like a true cowboy… ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Inbreds vs. Vegas Corruption Both these Eastern Division foes are coming off surprising losses in Week 1 and now face a crucial must win situation. Jay Zurfluh’s Inbreds could have their hands full, however. Corruption owner Rich Samuels has geared his entire lineup to laying waste to the Inbreds. “If there is anyone in the league I want to beat the crap out of the most, it’s those lousy Inbreds and their thinks-he-knows-it-all, Jerry Jones ass kissing owner,” says Samuels. Rumor has it that Samuels’ hatred for Zurfluh is fueled by the fact that Zurfluh has begun a secret campaign to try and lure Samuels’ three-year-old son into becoming a Dallas Cowboys fan. “There is no excuse for this despicable action,” retorted Samuels. “Zurfluh is an enemy to society and he must pay, and pay dearly. He is attempting to infringe on our way of life. Whether I bring him to justice, or justice is brought to him… justice will be done.” ------------------------------------------------------------------- Meet the ExFL owners: www.Section118.com
|
||||
|
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|
|
||||||||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
