2001
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2001 |
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2001 ExFL NEWS ARCHIVES |
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Puppy Power! ASSOCIATED PRESS – Amani Toomer saved the Posse this week.
In a performance worthy of nomination into the ExFL Hall of Fame, Toomer scored two touchdowns in leading the Puppy Posse over the Lone Star Assault 95-66 . With the game tied at 66 going into Monday night, the Posse was able to knock out the Central Division favorite Assault in a game that many believed would be much closer than the final score indicated. Toomer also received a great deal of help from rookie running back LaDainian Tomlinson who scored two more touchdowns on Sunday and rushed for over 100 yards. “No one wanted to give us any respect,” said Posse quarterback Elvis Grbac. “We proved tonight that we’ll be kicking ass like this every week, so you might as well scratch in a loss on your scorecard when the Posse comes to town.” It wasn’t all Toomer and Tomlinson, however. While racking up a whopping total of 0 points, the Assault defense did not escape criticism for their effort Monday night. “We decided that it was more important to let the Posse smack us around tonight and try to avoid injury, so we could prepare for our game against the Balloons next week,” said an unnamed defensive player for the Assault. “We really hate that Jim McKay guy, and look forward to kicking his ass.” Even on a night that the Hot Air Balloons took no part in, it seems that Balloons director of personnel Jim McKay could not escape the wrath of his enemies in the ExFL because of his dealings that have angered many players and owners in the league. In another upsetting disturbance within the Assault camp, starting wide out Derrick Alexander is believed to have gone AWOL. Never showing up for the game, Alexander has not been seen since Friday night when he was last spotted in an Atlanta strip club. Assault owner, Major Ross A. Brown could not be reached for comment, but reports say he has already court martialled several defensive players and more roster changes could possibly be made before 6am then most owners will make all week. ----------------------------------------------- Vegas Corruption 70 Sin City Demons 84 Led by running back Edgerrin James with 26 points, the Demons barely escaped what would have been an embarrassing loss. Demons quarterback Trent Green, playing with a $5,000 bounty on his head by Corruption management, also barely escaped alive. With only 9 points to his credit, Green was barely noticeable. Rumors in the Corruption camp say the bounty will be doubled when the two teams meet again in the second half of the season. “I’ll be filing a protest with the league,” said Corruption owner Rich Samuels. “I haven’t been able to put my finger on it yet, but I know for a fact that the Demons cheated. How else can you explain them beating us?” Referring to Demons owner Steve O’Neil, Samuels stated, “That manipulative son of a bitch is going down like a pig next time I see him. I’m gonna make him squeal. OINK OINK PIG!!! OINK OINK OINK!!!” Samuels was later led away from the post-game press conference in restraints. ----------------------------------------------- The Inbreds 69 Taylor Tit Twisters 85 Andy Garrison’s Twisters snuck by the more balanced attack of Jay Zurfluh’s Inbreds with a 52 combined point explosion by quarterback Mark Brunell and running back Ahman Green. “Those guys will never do that again,” said Inbreds receiver Keyshawn Johnson. “I mean, just look at their owner, what’s his name, Garrison? That guy doesn’t know crap about football. He knows more about cow tipping than pigskin man, you know what I’m saying? You listen to Keyshawn now, those guys will never beat Keyshawn again. I just need the ball. How they expect me to beat them if I don't have the ball?” Inbreds running back Emmitt Smith, who only tallied a lackluster 4 points, was more subdued after the game. “I miss my Troy, I wish he were here with me right now,” he whispered quietly as he headed for the showers… alone. ----------------------------------------------- Delberts Dogs 62 The Hot Air Balloons 97 In the most controversial game of the day, Bryan Booth’s Dogs laid down and let the Balloons walk all over them this weekend. “First the Favre trade, and now an obviously fixed game,” retorted one
ExFL owner. “I mean, come on! You can’t honestly believe any of us are not going to believe these guys aren’t sleeping together! Ricky Williams with 16 points? 29 points for the Balloons
defense? How much is McKay paying Booth to be his bitch?” ----------------------------------------------- Eds White Spray Painted Isuzu Amigos 57 NC Eagles 94 Ed Samuels’ Amigos were absolutely embarrassed this weekend by the NC Eagles and Donovan McNabb. McNabb, proving once again that he is with out a doubt the greatest quarterback to ever live, threw up 24 points on his own. “How can you beat that guy”, asked a member of the Amigo defense. “You might as well just give the league championship to Donovan.” “It’s always fun to go out and smack a bunch of punks around,” Eagles receiver Tim Brown exclaimed. I’ll be looking forward to the next time we get to play those losers.” ----------------------------------------------- Kahunas Klowns 75 Bednariks Bullies 104 In absolutely the largest raping of any teams integrity this weekend, the mysterious and merciless Bullies dismembered Chris Menors Klowns like a bovine in a packinghouse. “It was crazy out there!” cried a member of the Klowns defensive unit. “They were coming at us from every direction. I didn’t know what to do! I turned to ask another guy what I should do, but all I saw were just bodies everywhere. Then, I saw a pile of rocks on the field that weren’t there on the previous play… I was so scared… The Klowns have only a few days to recover from their desecration before they have to go into Virginia to face the high-powered NC Eagles and living quarterback legend Donavon McNabb next weekend. “We’re preparing for the Klowns as if it were a bye week,” McNabb reported.
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